Teenaged daughter recently diagnosed with traits of BPD

[day dreamer]

Hello,

My daughter has recently been diagnosed with traits of BPD.  It's been a long road to this discovery since I recently read that most people who discover they have BPD have been dealing with other issues long before BPD is discovered.  My daughter also has ADHD and depression. 
 
It's been a long, hard road to this point.  At times wondering if she would make it to adulthood.  Her reckless behaviour has left her with a broken hip and a jump out of a second story window caused a severely broken leg. 

I feel very distressed after discovering that BPD is both environmental and genetic.  I have been obsessing over her mental health since she was born.  It was apparent to both my husband and I that she was a high maintenance child.  Over active, demanding, did not want to be held.  We sought help and learned a few skills to help us help her.  When the therapist told us to start recognizing her good behaviour, I honestly had to say to the therapist that I didn't know of anything I could say.  So we started complementing her on being able to play alone on that one day I happened to see her quietly playing in her room.  I found it difficult to cope, so I often used the bath as a way to avoid her after work.  My avoidance is probably a factor in her possibly feeling a sense of neglect.  But other than that, she grew up in a home with two parents and an older, high- achiever sister.  We had her involved in every sport, until she decided horses were her passion.   She tortured us continuously for us to buy her a horse, which we mistakenly did.  She broke every rule at the barn the horse was stabled at and was taking the horse on wild rides in which she injured herself twice.  She was told by the stables that the horse could stay at the barn, but she wasn't allowed there.  I'm an avid animal lover and my worry over the horse and my daughter meant we had to find a good home for the horse. 

I realize that this might sound like it's all about me, but I have been so worried about her behaviour and I've taken on much of this by myself.  My husband is supportive, but he handles the stress different than I do.  Everything just unravelled when she turned 16.  She started sneaking out of the house at night, drinking, drugs, boys.  I would wake up and she was gone.  I spent many nights crying, and calling her cell phone to no avail.  She stopped going to school.  Hanging out with the most troubled people.  She would do anything she wanted and got in trouble stealing and driving an old car she bought with money from the sale of her saddle.  No brakes, no insurance.  Every time she snuck that car out of the yard the police were pulling her over and the tickets and fines added up.  We could not control her. 

At this point, she has still not graduated.  She continues to lose jobs through her reckless behaviour.  She was offered the eight week intense therapy, but declined when she discovered that there would be homework in the evenings and that it would be a lot of work.  I was told and agree, that she has to be the one to agree to the treatment and it will only work when she is ready.  That will possibly be when she is in total despair.  We shelter her to protect her from angry outbursts. We have a car for her to drive and she has a cell phone we pay for.  I know we are not doing her any favours in the long run, but as long as she is calm, we all get along and we can maintain a peaceful relationship. 

She cannot keep female friends.  She really does stop any possible friendship before it can be nurtured.  Very troubling to me is the string of romantic involvements that she gets involved in, for the attention.  She seems to thrive on having someone start to care for her and having to cut the relationship off.  Which, I now realize this as her fear of being abandoned.  Do it to them before it is done to her.

What can I do to help her before she hits the bottom? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[phoebenna]

Hi day dreamer

My daughter hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but her story very closely resembles your daughters.  I came across BPD on my own. I felt like I was the only one seeing my daughter struggle and felt so alone.    I started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back by Randi Kregar and Paul T. Mason. This book has been very helpful in putting me in her world and also for my mental health. I to have been searching for answers on how to help my daughter before she hits rock bottom also.  I fear now that she may end up pregnant at 15 with a guy that has his own abandonment issues from both of his parents leaving him and he has addiction problems. She's broken up with him 3 times in the past 4 months and they fight constantly.  They joke about being teenage parents. I hope we can find answers to our questions about BPD.  That is why I am here also. I love my daughter so much and am her biggest advocate.  She is currently staying with her dad because he supports the boyfriend and I don't.  I wouldn't let them hang out at my house last weekend so she started an argument and called her dad to tell him she didn't feel safe at our house. He called the cops and she started making up stories about her stepdad. 

Remember to care for yourself. I have tried so long to make her happy because it hurts me so much that she is constantly alone because she can't keep friends and she's constantly up and down. She craves attention good or bad and she loves being the victim. We have to let them know that our love is never ending and we care for them and will never abandon them.  We also need to learn to step back and care for ourselves. The cops had suggested since my daughter wants to live with her dad to let her have a trial run at it. It has been a week and it's killing me.  We had lunch today and it was the first time in a long time she was happy to be with me the entire time. They also told me I may have to let me hit rock bottom. This is what I've been trying to prevent for her. They told me if she threatens to run away (she does all the time and sneaks out of the house also) call the cops and report her as missing.  I'm searching for the same answers you are so I'm following your thread in hopes we find them. Take care and I pray for the best for our daughters!

[MomMae]

Hi day dreamer and welcome to the parent's board... You have a lot on your plate... .I am so sorry for everything that you are going through with your daughter.  All of us here on this board understand what you are going through, we have all gone through and are going through many of the same or similar things you describe with our own children.  I have a BPD dd21 myself who has taken us to hell and back, doing many similar things as your daughter.  I was in a very dark place before finding this board a year ago.  It is a devastating and lonely road that us parents travel, but you are definitely in the right place to find support and resources to help you and your daughter.

A great place to start learning is by perusing the tools and lessons listed on the right hand side of this page 

Please come back often - read, learn, post, question, vent... .you can do it all here with folks who truly understand and who will not judge you.

A big welcome hug to you from one parent who has been there to another... .    MomMae