Sitting in limbo - excited about my future, overwhelmed by what needs to be done

[DaddyBear77]

It's been a long, long journey to get to where I am right now. I wish I could say I have no regrets - I have plenty. But what I CAN say is that I don't think I'd be the same person, sitting at this keyboard, if I hadn't gone down the exact path I've taken.

In the few weeks since I last posted, I've taken the bold step of reconnecting with half a dozen old friends and planned visits with my parents and my brothers. These were supposed to be the people that were "bad influences." These are the people I "couldn't wait to go off and have a love affair with." Surprisingly, I've not been pushed in any way, to leave, to stay. I've not been invited on, nor have I solicited, any trips to a hotel for a night of passion. I've been met with love and kindness and forgiveness I never expected, and struggle to figure out why I deserve it.

This past week in particular has been especially intense, and along with the demands of my job, left me with little energy to engage here. I apologize, but I'm not sorry. I needed this.

I still live in my own make-shift "apartment" in my own home. Which is awesome. I love it. It gives me the space to think, heal, and figure out what to do next. My daughter spends nearly every moment she can with me. This morning, she came down and declared "This is our new family room! I like this new house you're living in!" and then she proceeded to cook me pretend breakfast. Just one of many highlights on this new phase of my journey.

So the big question is, what's next for my marriage? For my part, I keep my wedding band firmly affixed to my left hand ring finger. Every time I interact with my wife, I'm sure to be open, friendly, I say hello, I fight through the awkwardness. I also say "I love you" (and mean it) every night before she goes upstairs, and every day before I leave the house. She's stopped saying it back. In fact, her body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice all say "One false move from you and I will ... ." (don't know what ... .is, but it's not a happy thing).

I'd like to remain in the house for as long as it takes to see, for sure, if this relationship is really as dead as it seems. Every day that nothing gets said is another day we waste, because if this relationship is to ever resume, there is a LOT of work to be done.

Here at bpdfamily we have this article on the breakdown of a relationship. It's based on the work of John Gottman, Ph.D and it describes the "four horsemen" breakdown sequence. In April of LAST year, Skip shared this with me in a thread:

[Gottman] has shown that when we get into and reside in stage 4, the marriage ultimately fails.

Do we try to reverse it? Do we just go with it and hope for the best? Do we get out on our own terms?

Only 12% of relationships in stage 4 recover and it takes work.

... .and every day since, this reality has rattled around in my head.

I read this in two ways - first of all, this is a blueprint for some of the things I've done wrong, and things I can do better to try and move us back up the stages. The second way I read this is that all the validation and attempts to communicate effectively are useless if both people in a relationship can't work together.

All this being said, the truth is, I have a new-found excitement about my future. It's one where I'm free to parent to the best of my ability. A future where I can learn how to be a better friend, a better brother, and accept the love and friendship they offer me. I can learn about myself, and what has drawn me into this series of relationships that ultimately are unbalanced and toxic. I can accept and embrace my flaws, without fear of criticism and ridicule (at least from the outside  ). And most importantly, I can be real and authentic and live a life true to my personal core values.

No matter what else happens, I will do whatever it takes to continue my personal journey. I'd love to do so with my wife by my side, don't get me wrong. But finally, my priorities are straight, and having her next to me is no longer more important than my own life.

That's all for now - thanks for reading through this - I look forward to sharing more here in my thread, and in your own threads too! If you haven't started your own thread, please go do it! If you have your own thread working but haven't responded in a while, please do so! I will see you here AND there!

~DB

[juju2]

You are in healing.

Nothing bad will come from healing.

I think what a r/s w someone w BPD does for me is force me to know who i am.

There is something in them that is core.  Maybe because they are dealing w an illness that started in their earliest memories, they are in touch w their core. 

You are in a great place. 

For me, healing is restorative, powerful, beautiful.

Takes me to my higher possibility.

Best,  juju

[Lalathegreat]

I’m so proud of you DaddyBear... .I believe absolutely that if your marriage is to succeed you needed to get to where you are right now, and if your marriage is truly doomed, you needed to get to where you are right now! So there is no downside.

I’m particularly excited to hear that you are reconnecting with your tribe. I hadn’t realized until the end how isolated I had allowed myself to become, and I too was so touched and relieved by the grace, kindness, and support I was given by the people that *I* had all but sacrificed on the altar of my BPD relationship. Whatever happens with your marriage, continue to build on those relationships!

  Thinking of you and so excited to continue hearing about your growth and progress!

Lala

[heartandwhole]

DaddyBear,

You’ve been through so much.   I’m glad to hear that you have been making self care a priority during the time of stress and change. I think it’s great that you are reconnecting with friends and family, and spending that precious time with your daughter. You are walking the talk, and that’s something I admire a lot about you.

I like what juju said about finding out who you are through the relationship. There’s a quote I heard many years ago that I’ve never forgotten:

“Relationships don’t exist to make us happy, they exist to make us more conscious.”

That statement can seem like a pretty dim view at first, but over the years I’ve been learning the wisdom of it. And how the meaning isn’t necessarily what it looks like at first glance.  

Keep sharing your journey, DB. It’s helping so many!

heartandwhole

[Mikey26]

Supreme thoughts. You'll heal in no time at all. I guess you've started to do so, actually, and at full speed.
You said, "every day that nothing gets said is another day we waste, because if this relationship is to ever resume, there is a LOT of work to be done;" I wonder what will happen if I text her such words, since she's giving me the silence treatment, and here I am again, chewing the cud of a humiliation that isn't quite novel to my experience. What would happen if we actually told them that? Would it work?

[ortac77]

Hi DB

Self - care is the key and you are doing the right things for you, it can take a long time to get to that place where the healing can start but I think one thing about being in a rs with somebody with BPD (or I think with addictive illnesses as well) is that when we take the right steps we start a journey of self-discovery.

You are where you need to be and hard as it is you have to let go of the outcome, well done!

In peace

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DaddyBear77, I like what you are saying and admire your positive attitude about the future, regardless how it plays out.  I suggest that you keep the focus on yourself, by continuing to care for yourself and doing what is right for you.  Strive to make your life a journey towards authenticity, which from what I can tell is what you are already doing, so keep it up!

LJ

[Red5]

All this being said, the truth is, I have a new-found excitement about my future.

I can accept and embrace my flaws, without fear of criticism and ridicule (at least from the outside  ).

I can be real and authentic and live a life true to my personal core values.

No matter what else happens, I will do whatever it takes to continue my personal journey.

... .finally, my priorities are straight, and having her next to me is no longer more important than my own life.

Good Morning DaddyBear77,

Sounds to me like you are in a good place in your psychology.… it never ceases to amaze me that when left to our own devices, how we thrive, and flourish beyond the “controls” of our relationships with pw/BPD.

I know that when the ever rare occasion comes along, that my own sig-other may travel away for a few days, or weeks, that I become a completely different person, free of stresses brought on by the day to day grind of living in the BPD’s world… Ie’ caretaking.

Yes, you are going to be alright as far as I can see, you seem to have a very strong constitution, the self-soothing is the most important, taking care of yourself is the key!

I was reading the other day, about once you let go of the threat (mind-set) of losing the relationship, in my case this resulted in codependency, but once I let that threat of losing my u/BPD wife to whatever means thereof; and beyond my control, I was much better off, and I could rejuvenate much quicker,

Hang in there, and keep on doing what you are doing, and hold true and strong to your beliefs, and moral foundations, you are going to be alright!

Red5

[Enabler]

Hey daddybear, seems like you’re in a good place. Comfortable with all outcomes and excited about your new beginnings. Your own place downstairs sounds perfect. Staying and somewhat standing for your marriage isn’t the easy choice, it is a courageous choice and one you will have to monitor to ensure it is working for you and the kids. I too am staying and have taken quite a lot of flack for it from the flying monkeys. I stay because I see MY daily positive influence in the house, I see my new skills at work in conflict resolution and building a positive relationship with the kids which is no longer responsive to my wife. I think your own feedback is that your daughter has designated your private flat her family living room... .this is an awesome confirmation for you. I wish you all the best with staying and standing, it won’t be easy at times... .but it will have a positive influence on your wife as well as it will show her that you won’t be bullied anymore.

Brene Brown in her ted talk on infidelity makes a great point which is relevant putting aside infidelity. Modern couples will have 3-4 long term relationships in their lives and they could be with the same person. What I think I have found is that my wife does see changes in me which she likes, which she is curious about and that are attractive to her. She is unfortunately still of the mindset that she has nothing to change and doesn’t know that my changes have resulted in me unmeshing myself from her and reverting back to myself... .or in fact a better version of myself. As I change her dysfunction is more obvious, maybe to her but certainly to me and the kids. Does she gain awareness that she’s the only one slinging punches... .who knows, but it takes 2 to fight else you’re shadow boxing.

It’s taken us both a long time to reach this point of serenity, for me it may have taken too long and too much damage has occurred. I’m personally less concerned about the conversations we need to have, in fact I’d rather not have those conversations. I’d rather just be myself and her spend some time self reflecting (if that were possible) then we come back as 2 new people. What she chooses to be is her problem, if we can make it together then great... .but I can’t tell her who to be.

[Lucky Jim]

I know that when the ever rare occasion comes along, that my own sig-other may travel away for a few days, or weeks, that I become a completely different person, free of stresses brought on by the day to day grind of living in the BPD’s world …. Ie’ caretaking.

Hey Red5, I can relate to what you are saying and for that reason often encouraged my BPDxW to spend a few days away with family, though she rarely took me up on my offers, presumably due to her fear of abandonment (e.g., maybe I would find another SO while she was away!).

I wonder if others have noticed that those w/BPD are reluctant to travel away on their own?

LJ

[ortac77]

I wonder if others have noticed that those w/BPD are reluctant to travel away on their own?

LJ

Oh yes - very much so - I have never worked that one out, I think it is a genuine fear rather than a sense of abandonment but its an interesting thought.

[GaGrl]

Oh yes - very much so - I have never worked that one out, I think it is a genuine fear rather than a sense of abandonment but its an interesting thought.

Interesting! My TH was amazed when we married at how easily I traveled. His uNPD/BPD ex did not travel easily, to the point she unraveled and DH did all the packing.

[Red5]

Oh yes - very much so - I have never worked that one out, I think it is a genuine fear rather than a sense of abandonment but its an interesting thought.

Lucky Jim wrote: I wonder if others have noticed that those w/BPD are reluctant to travel away on their own?

This is always a "catch-22" scenario, when my u/BPD wife goes away on a trip, ie' to visit her own grown children in another state; it is not long before I get split black while she is away, and she picks out something to be "mad" about, and she issues a fight warning order, and subsequent ST from afar via the I-phone... .and if its me who is the one who's traveling, either work or for family issues back home, I get the same treatment before departure, she splits me black before I leave on the trip and then ST for the time I am away, .could this be "abandonment issues"... .survey says _yes_ to that one.

And then... .if its a trip together, for several daze, .its almost a guarantee that she is going to pick a fight (dysregulate underway)... .which is NO fun at all, as there is NO escape here, you are trapped in a vehicle, or a hotel room/family guest room visiting situation (   ), with now NO where to go to get away from her, many many hundreds of miles away from home base.

Quite perplexing... .as to what to do, .when u/BPD wife announces, "lets go on a trip"... . 

Red5