How was your BPD child as an infant?

[Scout206]

Hello
While reading posts, I noticed some people mentioning that their BPD child was impossible to soothe as an infant.  My DD30 screamed day and night, 24/7 for 10 weeks after being born.   She did not sleep for more than 5 minutes and then I could see her startle and start screaming again.  She ate well, gained weight but only stopped crying while she was eating.  I was so sleep deprived that I had to stop driving for awhile.   At 10 weeks, she slept for 4 hours (I was scared she had died) and after than became a happy healthy infant and toddler.   Anyone have a similar experience?
Scout206

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

Great question.  My daughter was wonderful.  I mean she'd wake up cooing like adorably.  And a little strangely.  She cried of course but not to the point where I couldn't sleep.   Which in itself is strange.  I remember her steady gaze.  She wouldn't take her eyes off me, and it was a serious stare. 

It's funny, I thought this BPD came up all of a sudden but I recall things now.  Like when she was 4, I wanted to stop at a market and get flowers.  She didn't want to do that. So I said well I'm in charge so we're going to the market.  Well when we were leaving, she's in her car seat in the back, she says in all seriousness "take me back to the hospital ".  I said wha? She says "my real mother wouldn't do that.  You took me from my real mother at the hospital ". 

So yeah. Couple red flags along the way. 

[Yepanotherone]

My daughter was quite an ill child and was in and out of the hospital from 4 months to around 2 years old when her ill health seemed to settle down. She was always vomiting and was extremely small for her age . Failure to thrive and lots of other symptoms led to her being tested for cystic fibrosis , food allergies, gastrointestinal reflux /ulcers etc then when she was 18 months old she had seizures and was found to have viral meningitis . She was forever getting tests and hospital stays were the norm .
I have often thought back to these early months and years of my daughter’s life to recall if I ever left her in the hospital and she would feel abandoned but no... I never left her side when in hospital and I’d sleep in a chair by her cot .

[Faith Spring]

It’s been nagging the back of my mind so I’ll share this - my daughter was sick with asthma from 3 months to 1st grade. I sat up with her at least once a week with a nebulizer machine and kept her propped up - usually the coughing started at 2 am and lasted for a couple hours. 

[bluek9]

Great question Scout206,

          My pregnancy with my daughter was seriously stressful (her father was very abusive). When she was new born she was so quiet, never made a peep. But I couldn't put her down or leave her, she would fuss and whine, never cried! She refused to be on any kind of schedule feeding or sleeping. Even as she got older she had serious separation anxiety. She didn't talk until she was 5. She did suffer a very traumatic event at 3 when her father kidnapped her and her brother and left the state. Today she tells me she doesn't remember that but, I know it traumatized her.
       Thanks for bringing this up it's interesting to hear what others have shared and will share.

[El’s Mama]

I was once asked by a psychiatrist if my son was “different” or “difficult” as a baby or young child. My answer was no. He was my first child, so no siblings to compare him to but he breastfed, slept a typical amount and wasn’t overly fussy or needy. I believe (this is thinking back a ways of course) that he was a pretty typical baby and toddler. Grade school was “normal” too. He was never abused, neglected or traumatized. I didn’t notice anything off with his behavior until grade 7 (age 12-13). He then became sullen and angry. He isolated himself and began cutting. He was so irritable and ANGRY all the time. I thought it was teenage angst (he was my first remember) and I made excuses and tried to be patient and understanding.

Anyway, just wanted to throw my 2 cents in that my child was pretty typical as a baby and child. No red flags that others have spoken about.

[wendydarling]

My daughter was an easy baby, slept, fed, seemed quite content, sociable, happy. She's a quiet pwBPD and of course now I've question there was always more going on than I could reach, see ... .especially following treatment DD has shared with me she always knew something was not quite right and she's given me examples of situations, mainly school experiences, she's also said how can you explain something when you don't understand what's wrong. Fortunately now she can and I feel blessed she can.

bluek9, that's seriously stressful, I'm so sorry pregnancy is supposed to be the most wonderful experience. My partner of 10 years fell in love while working away on a shoot, I was 7 months pregnant... .thanks mate, great timing! He did try to come back many times the following years ... .he finally got the message and gave up - he apologised 25 years later ... .well I've talked him up, text has just come in ... .he's worried about DD he's not heard from her.

[MomMae]

My daughter was a very sensitive baby right from birth.  Truthfully even before birth. The pregnancy with her felt very different from my first and also from the one after her.  I did almost have a miscarriage with her, at twelve weeks.  She kicked like a maniac in and out of utero.  The nurse who put on her first diaper after birth said "This one has attitude"... .a premonition!

She started making strange with everyone except me, including her father (my husband) at about 2 weeks of age.  We still laugh at how my mom was scared of her because she would cry and cry and cry if I wasn't there.  If my mom was babysitting, she would actually crawl (my mom would crawl) into the baby's room to put her soother back into her mouth without my daughter seeing her because if she did, it was game over.  She would be inconsolable.

When she felt safe, she was a very happy, lovable baby - but she was definitely known to be ultra-sensitive by anyone close to her.

[Soc]

My daughter would have crying jags as an infant, I would put her in her car seat to soother her and swing her back and forth.

As a toddler my daughter had night terrors,often, they were always the same when she woke up crying, she couldnt find Daddy. Once she ran around the house turning on all the lights with her eyes wide open and was screaming for Daddy, I was in front of her the whole time. That incident 17 yrs later still tears me up. The look of horror on my baby's face was overwhelming, and still is.

[MomMae]

Wow, Soc, you saying that reminds me of my daughter too.  She would have night terrors, too, until about age 6.  She would get out of bed and stand beside it screaming and crying for a long time, her eyes open, but she was unresponsive to everything around her.  She would also sometimes sleepwalk during these incidents, one time actually leaving the house - we were still up and heard the front door slam, thank god.  She was on her way off the front porch by the time we caught her.  Again, she was unresponsive - like she couldn't even see us.

[Gerri]

My 23 y/o BPD daughter (our first born) was a very difficult baby ( very different from her brother born 3 years later.). She was a very mellow baby in utero, I had the feeling I needed to protect her even then.   The look on her face when she was born 2 weeks early was "put me back." She would not breast feed until my milk came in on day 3.  Very stressful.  She cried incessantly when I left her for 1hour at 2 weeks of age!  Her Dad was justifiably freaked out.  It was apparent early on that I was the only person who could comfort her.  She was "colicky" and cried every evening from 5 PM until 10 PM unless she was breast feeding.  Cried in the car seat, stroller. She would only nap in my arms or in the bed with me.  She was not a "self soother".  We snuggled with a bunny and a blanket which she still has to this day.  She continued to be very "spirited" and had horrible meltdowns has a toddler.  I wish I knew about BPD and emotional regulation way back then. I won't even go into the horrible teen years (which she has apologized for.)  We have all been there!  I know back then all I could do is love her. Currently, she has been seeing the same therapist for 5 years, is on medications, is aware of her BPD diagnosis and is much more stable.  She still lives at home with us.  She has an associates degree works ,40+ hours a week, smokes too much weed, has quit drinking (yay!), continues with emotional regulation issues.  I am still her go to person.  We are very close.  She continues to struggle with anxiety and emotional regulation. I am very proud of her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Scout206

Very interesting and I know Shari Manning touches on this in her book.

Gerri's post below, reminds me of my daughter, very spirited - I like that    My pregnancy was horrendous, I think I had that condition Hyperemesis Graviderium, which was never diagnosed back then.  I was so sick for 16 weeks, bent over the bath tub throwing up bile; an aeroplane trip spent primarily locked in the toilet; I remember crying to the air hostess; I thought it would never end.  In utero, she never stopped moving, a difficult birth and an active baby.  As Gerri says, she was spirited, so hard to get to sleep.  She won that battle as I stopped trying at around 10 month (no day sleeps).

As a very young toddler, she was quite vicious when it came to her possessions, she used to bite anyone that came within an inch of them.  Her tantrums were fierce and regular.  I was a young mum at 23 it was very difficult.  I used to say that she had a more dominant personality than me and I feel like I almost had to step outside myself to parent her.  Even at 2, she was a risk taker with no fear and I liked that about her, I still do.

Regards
Merlot

[Soc]

Wow, Soc, you saying that reminds me of my daughter too.  She would have night terrors, too, until about age 6.  She would get out of bed and stand beside it screaming and crying for a long time, her eyes open, but she was unresponsive to everything around her.  She would also sometimes sleepwalk during these incidents, one time actually leaving the house - we were still up and heard the front door slam, thank god.  She was on her way off the front porch by the time we caught her.  Again, she was unresponsive - like she couldn't even see us.

Currently Im being ignored, for almost 3 months, I didnt do anything to her. My heart is broken in so many pieces I doubt Ill ever find them all. The really sad part is the last time I saw her she dumped on me and said she loved me but didnt want to see me any more, we just started to have her birthday cake and Ice cream. The last text I got from her was " LEAVE ME ALONE" She is acting like her NPD mother, and I seriously hope they clash soon. Then maybe,just maybe Ill get my baby back. The last time I saw her it was like I was sitting there with a stranger. Where do our children go with this horrible disorder? Where is God, and when will he smile on us?

[MomMae]

My heart is broken in so many pieces I doubt Ill ever find them all.

Soc,

I am so sorry for the heartbreak you are feeling.  This is a cruel disease that can cause our children to see the best parents as the enemy and the cause of all their woes.  Cruel to the afflicted and equally cruel to those who love them who suffer the wrath of BPD.  It is not fair, and you do not deserve this treatment.  You are a good person and a great father who has been there for your daughter in every way possible. 

I am sure that you are doing this, but all I can suggest is to keep the door open so that she can contact you when she is ready.  Maybe send her an "I love you, I miss you" text every once in a while.  I would do that with my daughter when we were in a basically no contact situation.  She would sometimes send back a reciprocating sentiment, I would send a smiley back and we would end it there... .and then I would repeat it in a week or so.  I think it helped slowly melt the ice between us.  I took myself out of the victim mode that I had been in for a long time, and worked more on  our core relationship.  (as Lollypop says)

You are not alone, Soc.  What you are feeling is so extremely painful, no parent should ever have to suffer this way.  But all of us here get it... .we've felt that pain ourselves, it is why we are all here.  Perhaps, when you are up to it, you could start a new thread, sharing more of your story. 

  MomMae

[Suzin]

Interesting to read everyone's infant/child experience. My daughter was a crier from the beginning. Even after being fed, changed and burped, she would cry all the time. I rocked her for hours. She did not sleep at night for the first 9 months, I was exhausted. One night I put her in the car and drove for hours, it was the only time she did not cry.

She was a difficult toddler and child. She was extremely sensitive and defiant. Every stage seems to be the extreme. At five years old if you asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. The answer was " I don't know what I want to be, but I know that I want to be the boss" 

It has always been a power/control struggle between us.

Suzin

[Soc]

Soc,

I am so sorry for the heartbreak you are feeling.  This is a cruel disease that can cause our children to see the best parents as the enemy and the cause of all their woes.  Cruel to the afflicted and equally cruel to those who love them who suffer the wrath of BPD.  It is not fair, and you do not deserve this treatment.  You are a good person and a great father who has been there for your daughter in every way possible. 

I am sure that you are doing this, but all I can suggest is to keep the door open so that she can contact you when she is ready.  Maybe send her an "I love you, I miss you" text every once in a while.  I would do that with my daughter when we were in a basically no contact situation.  She would sometimes send back a reciprocating sentiment, I would send a smiley back and we would end it there... .and then I would repeat it in a week or so.  I think it helped slowly melt the ice between us.  I took myself out of the victim mode that I had been in for a long time, and worked more on  our core relationship.  (as Lollypop says)

You are not alone, Soc.  What you are feeling is so extremely painful, no parent should ever have to suffer this way.  But all of us here get it... .we've felt that pain ourselves, it is why we are all here.  Perhaps, when you are up to it, you could start a new thread, sharing more of your story. 

  MomMae

Thanks Mae,
I dont even want to think about my story, its ugly and horrible. People talk about the ":)ark Night of the Soul" This is more like being in HELL.
I do text her and let her know Im always there for her and I love her, I hope it gets through to her.  She used to know what her mother was like and then one day I became the bad parent. She doesnt remember my being her hero. Her mother is a narcissist and is turning my daughter against me more and more each day. My daughter seems as a stranger these days, she even uses the phrases her mother uses. I miss her terribly even with all of the bad things that happened. I hope Karma happens very soon.