BPD and everyday tasks

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD/uNPD H is a professional in a technical field with high responsibility.  People's lives depend on what he does.

On the other hand, he is very much BPD in his home life with me.  His is a "transparent borderline."  He shows one face to his workplace and his close friends and children, then when he is alone with me, he rages and breaks things and threatens divorce when he is unhappy with me.

I have noticed he cannot recall events or people--like a pwBPD who splits.  He can't even recall a gift from this past Christmas given by the husband of one of his daughters.  

He seems unable to multi-task and can carry out only one task or thought at a time.  (Just like a young child.)  :)ue to his FOO (uNPD F and enabler M) and the divorce from his X W (who cheated on him and took all the children), H is constantly compulsively cleaning.  He has a great need for control--especially when he feels out of control.  I can always tell when H has had a stressful day at work.  When he comes home, he puts his briefcase down and, without even getting out of his work clothes, heads straight to the kitchen sink and starts cleaning whatever dirty dishes might be on the counter.  

This inability to multi-task was evident last week when I had washed some of my nice designer silk blouses by hand and had them hanging in the laundry room.  These are my pride and joy and I take good care of them.  Imagine my dismay and anger to find a small but noticeable bleach stain on one of them.  H was using bleach (his cleaning, again) about a week ago and I did not notice the bleach stain until I was ironing the blouses for storage in the closet.

I approached H and he gave me a curt apology.  How can someone be so careless?  Now the blouse is ruined as the blotch is right on the sleeve.  I am sure if it was his daughter's blouse, he would have been careful and moved it somewhere safe.  (He is enmeshed with his children, especially his daughters.)  I became livid when he said it was not a big deal, and it was a small spot and that I need to get over it.

H was raised in poverty by a uNPD father who spent the family money on himself and his hobbies.  H never learned to take care of anything of value because he never had anything nice worth taking care of.

How can someone using bleach near hanging clothing ignore the clear hazard of flinging bleach around?   Is this a feature of BPD in that H was so intent on cleaning in the laundry room the he did not even think of caring for my clothing or did he just not care because the clothing did not belong to him or his children?  (NPDs value their children over their spouses, evidently.)

Your thoughts?

[AskingWhy]

I need to correct that H does not have anything of value.

H takes very good care of things his children have given him and clothes he buys for himself.  He still displays items the children made in grade school around the house like they are valuable collectibles.  All of his children are grown adults with their own families.

Am I wrong to be angry about this?

[formflier]

I approached H and he gave me a curt apology.  

Here is my take.

BPD is an "intimate disorder".  When they are around people they are really close to (emotionally)... ."it" can and will show itself.

If there is no intimacy... .it can appear as though they are a different person.

Frustrating isn't it?

Here is the key... .once you understand this about the disorder... .you need to realize that you have control over closeness and "farness" (if that is a word) in your relationship.  Use that to your advantage.  I do.

So yes... .I will go and have an intimate weekend with my wife... .I can usually get away with a couple days worth, and when she "does the BPD thing"... .I'm ready for it... .generally ignore it and move along. 

It burns itself out quickly... .and then life returns somewhat to normal.  "Normal" for me is trying to keep my wife in a situation where she is "pulling slightly" wanting me to be closer.

Listen... .I think you and he did about as good as can be expected.  You approached... he apologized. 

Move along.

FF

[formflier]

Am I wrong to be angry about this?

You should be angry about it... .it was careless on his part. 

Being angry and expressing the anger to him are different matters.  Especially if it is not "in the moment".

So... .he calls you a bad name.  Be angry... "right then".  Trying to bring up to him a bad name he called you last week (not a good plan)

So... .he ruined your shirt a while back.  I think you got about the best you can get from anyone.

If it is repetitive... .perhaps change laundry routines... .but I bet it won't happen again.


Thoughts?

FF

[juju2]

Hi

You are reaching out, that's the good thing.

All I know is BPD people can be challenging to be in a relationship with.  when my s.o. is triggered , dysregulated, he is in his illness.  

Just simply being aware of his moods, it helps me.

I don't know if I would try to keep my nice things away where he was, since he could do anything, in that dysregulated state.

Me getting into a fight, or trying to get him to accept responsibility doesn't work out well.  It's always worse.  It's like trying to get bread from a hardware store.

So much of the time, I was unaware of his moods because i was on edge.

Am a student here, learning more and more.

The tools here help me a lot.  The people here, care, assist with their experience.  

Take care,  juju