Definitely Conflicted

[momofflowers]

Hi everyone... .

This is my second post here. I'm the mom of 2 little girls and currently staying at home with them. Our family doctor diagnosed my husband with anxiety disorder, but with all respect, my husband mentioned little to none of his symptoms that we deal with on a daily basis (perceived abandonment, splitting, reckless behavior, manipulation, unstable sense of self) and I feel he should see a specialist... .he disagrees.

In December, I found out he had been unfaithful to me and since then, I have been pretty much going through the stages of grief... .not to sound dramatic. Yet, I have found that looking at the situation objectively, especially with BPD in mind, it makes so much sense. Anyway, I still told him that even though I would be willing to work through it, that I expected him to never contact this girl again... .I am patient and empathetic to all parties, but I am also not going to be walked over for the sake of myself and my girls. I figured he owed me that much.

Fast forward to this week... .months later... .and I found messages that were hidden away in a work app where he was, just this month, telling her how beautiful she and her kids were and just generally very deep, emotional - and kind - words. I had a bit of a break down about it, but he handled it a little too well - calm, serene, and overly clingy to me for the past few days, terrified I will leave him. I can see what is happening here and I'm ashamed that I am so proud of him for not blowing up about it that I have just played along. I've acted like it's no big deal, but what he doesn't see is the divorce lawyer's contact I have added in my phone.

I am just drawing a blank here... .I'd love some advice.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey momofflowers, Welcome back!  I suggest boundaries as the place to start.  See Tools button, above, for discussion on setting boundaries.  Without them a pwBPD will walk all over you.  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, yet suspect you have a gut feeling that you can't go on like this.  Does that sound accurate?
Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[momofflowers]

LuckyJim, thanks for the reply. I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else, but I also cannot live with someone who won't be honest and faithful, for the sake of my mental and physical health... .I know BPD can make this more difficult to expect since they can be prone to acting irrationally due to perceived abandonment, etc... .but that is one boundary I must set. I have been clear about it, as well, and he still didn't respect it. However, I have been happy with how he has handled this whole ordeal, for the most part. I know it's been difficult on all parties involved, but I have to also look out for myself... .I'm a naturally laid back and understanding person so it is sometimes difficult for me to not be walked all over.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, MOF, Yes, you have to look out for yourself.  Suggest you keep focused on your needs and values.  I'm a laid-back person myself, and my BPDxW trampled all over my boundaries because they were so poorly defined and, back then, I lacked the skills to defend and enforce them.  I thought some values were obvious in a marriage, but found out that is not necessarily the case.  It sounds like you have learned a similar lesson.  Agree, you can't go on like this, so something needs to change.

LJ