Lying about Marriage...BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Is there a certain time when you feel like it doesn't affect you anymore? A part of me has been trying to figure out for so long, why I snapped at the picture, I mean I know I didn't want to get married, but it still bothers me. I still have the letters she wrote to me the first time we went no contact for 2 months. Sometimes, I feel like the idiot because before she was pushing for the marriage thing so hard, and would cry and make me feel so bad everyday. and then 3 days later, its like shes so calm about it, but the only thing that remotely affects her now is the idea of whether im around as a "friend" to call it. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this. Hope someone can better explain it to me, sometimes the things we can't see someone else can.

Thank you.

[Struggler123]

Is there a certain time when you feel like it doesn't affect you anymore? A part of me has been trying to figure out for so long, why I snapped at the picture, I mean I know I didn't want to get married, but it still bothers me. I still have the letters she wrote to me the first time we went no contact for 2 months. Sometimes, I feel like the idiot because before she was pushing for the marriage thing so hard, and would cry and make me feel so bad everyday. and then 3 days later, its like shes so calm about it, but the only thing that remotely affects her now is the idea of whether im around as a "friend" to call it. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this. Hope someone can better explain it to me, sometimes the things we can't see someone else can.

Thank you.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Struggler,

Sorry for the late response.  It seems you've been posting a lot on Detaching since this thread started, so I'll keep it brief and say that it's different strokes for different folks.  Some take months, others years.  I'd say around 6 months is an average for getting over the worst of the feelings and moving forwards. 

You know about feelings=facts for a BPD sufferer, so the only thing to add is that those feelings will change frequently and therefore there can be a lot of changing attitudes to contend with.  Personally I found myself at one point during my r/s in a space where I neither became excited or upset by anything said -  and instead tried to remember that whatever is said as gospel one minute can completely alter the next.  In short, I protected myself emotionally and got off the ride.  In your case, it sounds as though she felt secure because she has someone else and was able to let go more easily without the desperation to maintain the r/s as it was or push for marriage any more.

Do you plan on keeping the letters?  Are they triggering for you?  If you decide to keep them, it might be an idea to put them away somewhere out of sight.   

Love and light x

[Struggler123]

Hi Struggler,

Sorry for the late response.  It seems you've been posting a lot on Detaching since this thread started, so I'll keep it brief and say that it's different strokes for different folks.  Some take months, others years.  I'd say around 6 months is an average for getting over the worst of the feelings and moving forwards. 

You know about feelings=facts for a BPD sufferer, so the only thing to add is that those feelings will change frequently and therefore there can be a lot of changing attitudes to contend with.  Personally I found myself at one point during my r/s in a space where I neither became excited or upset by anything said -  and instead tried to remember that whatever is said as gospel one minute can completely alter the next.  In short, I protected myself emotionally and got off the ride.  In your case, it sounds as though she felt secure because she has someone else and was able to let go more easily without the desperation to maintain the r/s as it was or push for marriage any more.

Do you plan on keeping the letters?  Are they triggering for you?  If you decide to keep them, it might be an idea to put them away somewhere out of sight.   

Love and light x

It's no problem, I can understand how busy you are with your own day to day activities. That's certainly true, I was having a tough time coping but I am suddenly starting to feel better day by day. Yes there are times when I think about her, but I wish her the best. I always had good motives, and thats that. I feel like I have no reason to explain myself to her anymore. That's true I felt like at the end of the day, she was too busy trying to get over her own insecurities, and she felt rejected, so rather than understand that she saw an opportunity and took it. She knew that if I didn't give into marriage, that she would be empty (as her way of thinking) so she decided to just move on to someone else, because that was less painful, and as usual she still blames me for not fighting for her till the finish. I was actually thinking of what to do with the letters, and I might actually burn them haha. I think that, if someone can easily let you go like that, theres no reason to hold on to the past. Thoughts?

[Harley Quinn]

It's your choice.  Do what feels right to you.  If you decide to keep them, don't let them be a source of rumination.  I'd put them away somewhere out of reach and one day in the future you will come across them and be able to smile at the memories of the good in the r/s and the things you've accomplished since then in your own growth.  Burning them is also an option as it is symbolic of letting go.  The only right way is what serves you most.

Love and light x

[Struggler123]

It's your choice.  Do what feels right to you.  If you decide to keep them, don't let them be a source of rumination.  I'd put them away somewhere out of reach and one day in the future you will come across them and be able to smile at the memories of the good in the r/s and the things you've accomplished since then in your own growth.  Burning them is also an option as it is symbolic of letting go.  The only right way is what serves you most.

Love and light x

In terms of memories, I have the letters as pictures in some hard drive somewhere, I feel like keeping the physical letters itself indicates that I am still not ready to let go and I will definitely think over it before taking any decisions, but I think that our mind is a closet full of memories itself, you can erase all the physical things, but you cant forget how they made you feel and thats reality. But yes, a part of me also tells me that I did the right thing by cutting off contact, because its better to walk away yourself rather being kicked out of someone else's life.  As for her idealization phase, it will be over in a couple of months, and then she will be back to trying to enter my life, and thats the harsh reality of it. It will almost be as if shes doing me a favor, by trying to make amends and serve her needs. Its a vicious cycle, but I chose my grounds, and I wasn't going to be pressured into marriage. And to be honest, this is gonna sound really mean, but if someone can move on in 4 days, they don't really deserve to be a part of your life, no "friend/girlfriend" does that.

[Harley Quinn]

It's really healthy that you're respecting your own values and sticking to your boundaries.  I commend you on that.  When it comes down to it, we can love someone deeply yet if there is a misalignment when it comes to core values it doesn't have a great chance of success.  Now you have created time and distance for yourself you have opportunity to detach and heal, which will allow you perspective if and when she attempts a recycle in the future.  I'd encourage you to focus now on taking care of you and this will pay dividends in the long term. 

Love and light x

[Struggler123]

It's really healthy that you're respecting your own values and sticking to your boundaries.  I commend you on that.  When it comes down to it, we can love someone deeply yet if there is a misalignment when it comes to core values it doesn't have a great chance of success.  Now you have created time and distance for yourself you have opportunity to detach and heal, which will allow you perspective if and when she attempts a recycle in the future.  I'd encourage you to focus now on taking care of you and this will pay dividends in the long term. 

Love and light x

Thank you it took me a lot of time to come to terms to it. And some days I still feel mellow but the truth is, I stopped asking the what if questions and started asking myself is this really the kind of energy I would want in my life for the rest of my life. The answers are always there, we just push and push. Just my opinion, but anyone that stresses you to the core, they are not worth it.  Positive thoughts to you as well, and hopefully I can still keep being this strong because like they say actions speak louder than words.

[Red5]

Thank you, it took me a lot of time to come to terms to it.

And some days I still feel mellow but the truth is, I stopped asking the what if questions and started asking myself is this really the kind of energy I would want in my life for the rest of my life.

The answers are always there, we just push and push.

Just my opinion, but anyone that stresses you to the core, they are not worth it. 

... .hopefully I can still keep being this strong because like they say actions speak louder than words.

Afternoon Struggler123,

I think the most important out-take here is this; you have learned much from this relationship, and now in retrospect you have an up-close and personal view; as well a most intimate experience in regards to pw/BPD... .a very valuable life experience to be sure.

And you are now in a good place [imho], as you write above;... ."and (I) started asking myself is this really the kind of energy I would want in my life for the rest of my life."

Now; learn from it, and move on wisely, having garnered this most intricate and invaluable knowledge of the BPD phenomena;... .so now take the most important parts with you, and leave the rest.

Now you will be far better equipped to enter into the next relationship, you will be able to ascertain so much more, and read the "tea leaves" in advance so to speak, and ensure that the next relationship will be a healthy, fulfilling; and rewarding one, .for both parties involved.

I wish I'd have had the experience (knowledge?) I do now, eleven years ago, when I remarried... .but that's not the way it works is it,

If I were you, (knowing what I know now), I'd consider this a gift !

You my friend have gained some very valuable insight, so use it well in your future !

Best regards, Red5

[Struggler123]

Afternoon Struggler123,

I think the most important out-take here is this; you have learned much from this relationship, and now in retrospect you have an up-close and personal view; as well a most intimate experience in regards to pw/BPD ... .a very valuable life experience to be sure.

And you are now in a good place [imho], as you write above; ... ."and (I) started asking myself is this really the kind of energy I would want in my life for the rest of my life."

Now; learn from it, and move on wisely, having garnered this most intricate and invaluable knowledge of the BPD phenomena; ... .so now take the most important parts with you, and leave the rest.

Now you will be far better equipped to enter into the next relationship, you will be able to ascertain so much more, and read the "tea leaves" in advance so to speak, and ensure that the next relationship will be a healthy, fulfilling; and rewarding one, ... .for both parties involved.

I wish I'd have had the experience (knowledge?) I do now, eleven years ago, when I remarried ... .but that's not the way it works is it,

If I were you, (knowing what I know now), I'd consider this a gift !

You my friend have gained some very valuable insight, so use it well in your future !

Best regards, Red5

@Red5

Thank you so much for your input, honestly everyone here has been so kind and understanding. I still have my days where I think to myself, whether it was the right or wrong decision, but I keep telling myself it was for the better. I'm very lucky that, It was a clean break up, and I was able to leave with some dignity and self-respect, although I was still blamed for the end of the relationship but that was always gonna happen. With BPD's you can never too much, everything is always below their expectations. But to be honest, my career and being my own person was worth more to me than this relationship, and once I have my life in order, she's gonna be one of those people saying "I remember him, he made it."