Struggling very very much with obsessing over his other exes

[blooming]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if any of you have experienced this too and have any advice for me? Because it's really keeping me from living my life and not taking me anywhere (unless I contact them, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea, does anyone have experience with that?).

So my uBPDex has 3 other exes (in the course of 8 years, has dated a lot of other girls too of course). This is what I know of them.

Ex 1 was his girlfriend when he was 16 for over a year (with one short break-up in between). I have spoken to her in the past, so I know a bit more about their relationship. She ended it both times because of his behaviour (mentally abusive, very angry, not treating her right). When she heard that he had found a new girlfriend very soon after her, she told him that she wanted to try again. He ended it with his new girlfriend (ex 2), but as soon as he was back, ex 1 said that she had changed his mind and didn't want to try again. They kissed again one time when going out, so when ex 1 went to the US to study there for a year they kept in contact, e-mailing back and forth. When she returned from the US, they met up again. This started off a year of sleeping together around every other week, always on his terms, always at her place. When she found out that he was dating others (and not just sleeping together, but actuallly doing stuff in the daytime together with them), she tried to end it. He kept on coming up with excuses to get her in his bed though. For example, they slept together the week before he made it official with ex 3. (and he kept saying to her that him and ex 3 weren't official, even though they were).  Even when she and he both had a new relationship (so that's ex 3 for him) he still kept saying how much he regretted that things didn't work out between them and saying he would break up with his current girlfriend for her and asking if she would come over to his house. Then something happened, I don't know exactly what, that made him extremely angry with her and he started ignoring her and then it was over. When I once asked him if anything had happened between them after they broke up when they were 16, he said they only had a drink once. She defriended him on facebook when she found out through me about him seeing her during his relationship with ex 2. They haven't spoken since that time he got so angry with her (almost 3 years ago).

Ex 2 was his girlfriend for about almost 3 years. They broke up several times during their relationship, he has told me 6, but I don't know if that's true because it would be something he could lie about. He always spoke of ex 2 as if she was his soulmate and as if he would never get over her. I even found a song once that he had written to her when he was angry with me, the song was about how he had made the wrong decision and how he still missed her and that he was now living a 'soulmate parted life'. I don't know a lot about their relationship. I know she had told him once that her hair was always thinner when they were together than when they weren't , because of stress. I know they once had such a big fight that the police came over to ask if everything was okay. I know she defriended him on facebook when they finally really broke up (they are friends again now though, they speak like every 3 months over whatsapp, at least that was what it was like during our relationship) and that he really struggled with it He really wanted it her back, but she started ignoring him and being very clear that it was now really over. I also know (not truly certain though) that he cheated on her for about half a year with ex 1 (ex 1 was unaware of her existence though, he had told ex 1 that he and ex 2 had only had a relationship for half a year). He would for example say to ex 1 hat he was going on holiday with friends, even though he was going with ex 2. Ex 1 and him started sleeping together again in summer 2014 (not very regularly though), but ex 2 and him only ended it in january 2015 and went on holiday that summer, so I'm pretty sure there must have been some overlap and that he has cheated. Ex 1 did tell me that at the end of the summer he had told her that they shouldn't see eachother again (so maybe he had realised that what he was doing was wrong or had had a really nice holiday with ex 2), but they didn't stop.

He was with Ex 3 for about a year, during that year they broke up 4 times. I know some of her friends, they were once friends of mine too but that contact has slowly faded away during my relationship with him. They have told me that her year with him was the worst year of her life. That they have called him begging to leave her alone. That he has emotionally manipulated and abused her. I don't know a lot about her from him. I know they fought a lot, pushing eachother and calling eachother names. I know his mother didn't like her because she thought she was not his type. I know he hated her father (so he must have been there multiple times I guess). I know she only met his parents twice during their year together. I don't know how it finally ended between them. I do know that when he contacted her again about half a year after they broke up (don't know if they had any contact during that time, only read this conversation), she said that she hadn't expected him to ever contact her again because of what happened the last time they saw eachother (don't know what that was) and the conversation turned sour very quickly, like that was the normal way they communicated with eachother. They are still friends on facebook, I found that out today via a mutual friend. I have no idea how much they have spoken since summer last year. One time, last summer, I met a friend of her who was her best friend during her relationship with him. She literally talked to me for over an hour, saying that she wanted to warn me for him and stuff like that.

It feels good to have written this all out since my head is so full of it. I'm sorry it took so long. I could write another post like this about all the girls I know he's dated with (sometimes even three at once, even though they didn't know of course, but at least that wasn't really cheating because it wasn't exclusive between them).

So, I am really struggling with this. I am struggling with knowing all this, but at the same time wanting to know more. I want to know if these girls are okay now, if they got over him, if they felt the same like me. Also, I am constantly comparing my relationship to their relationships. Was mine better, or not as good? I always feel like I lived in the shadow of ex 2 and I have always (and still am) been very jealous of her. I feel like a failure because me and him didn't last as long as they did and he could let me go this easily (yes, we tried again 3 times in the last 5 months because he wanted to, but everytime he ended it or (the last time) didn't really seem to care that I ended it) while he struggled so very much with their break-up.

I think a lot of these girls, I check their (friends) social media a lot, trying to find out something about whether they are single now or not and whether they're happy or not. They have their profiles on private though, so I can't really find out anything, but still I look all the time.

I think a lot about contacting them, but I'm not sure how they will react to that and I'm not sure why I want to. Maybe to hear from them that I'm better off without him? That they still stand behind their decision? That worse things happened during their relationship and that I was quite lucky? That their relationship (in the case of ex 2) wasn't as perfect as he would let me believe?

I don't understand my obsession with them. My head is just too full to make sense of it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey blooming, I am uncertain where you are heading with this inquiry into your BPD Ex's former GFs.  What do you expect to get out of comparing your r/s to theirs?  Are you interested in contacting one or more of them to compare notes?  To me, it would seem more productive to focus on yourself in order to figure out why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.

Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Insom]

Hi, blooming!     I hear that you're feeling a little perplexed about what's motivating you.  You're not alone.  I've also felt confused about feelings I've had around my ex. 

What else is going on in your life right now? Outside of the curiosity and jealousy you feel when you think about this, how are you feeling in general?  Do you know what triggers these thoughts?  What are you thinking/doing when you have them?

[blooming]

Still really struggling with this. Especially ex 2 I can't get out my head. About ex 1 and 3 I know so much that I know they struggled with the same things. With ex 2 I don't though. I just don't understand how they lasted 3 years. I feel like such a failure because we didn't. And I also still struggle a lot with the fact that he missed her so much, also during our relationship. That he said he would probably never get over her. That he wrote that song about her. I feel like I was always in her shadow and it makes me feel awful.

[Dargumin]

Hi Blooming.

OK so I do have some experience with contacting my BPDex's exs. However my desire to speak to them did not come from a jealousy that they lasted longer than we did (we were only 9 weeks together, but acquaintances/friends many years).  My desire came from 2 reasons...

1. I wanted them to validate me, tell me yes she's a nightmare, don't blame yourself.
2. She is undiagnosed, so I wanted to see if evidence of BPD was there prior to me, I was very determined to try help get her into therapy if so. (Changed my mind on that now, I'm split black so I'm the last person she would listen to).

Now I actually had two her ex's on facebook anyway as we are all acquainted through the UK rave scene so I just sent them a "Hi, sorry this is a bit of out of the blue but I'm a bit worried about... ."   I then randomly met the last ex before me at a festival through a friend of a friend.  He said my words were like a weight lifted off his shoulders as he had blamed himself for the split, not realising she was like this with everyone. 

2 of the exes said she was high conflict, anger and trust issues.  1 just said she was distant and uncaring (I get the impression she just wasn't much into this guy).

One thing all 3 have in common is they were all with her longer than me, and all 3 said "I wish I had only been with her 2 months". So whilst you are jealous of the ex lasting longer with him than you, they would likely be jealous of you for not wasting as much time on this person as they did. 

If you are seeking validation from the ex's then I'd say it might be OK to make contact if done with tact.  However if you just want to speak to an ex and find out how they made it last 3 years, then I'd say don't bother... .I certainly wouldn't appreciate somebody asking me such a question about someone I was no longer with.

In summary, ex's can be very validating, but none of the ones I spoke to were complete strangers to me. She has other ex's that are strangers to me and I have not tried to track them down, I already know they have the same story to tell.





 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Blooming,

You've had good replies here from both Lucky Jim and Dargumin.  I just want to add that when we become obsessive about things it can sometimes be our mind's way of avoiding something it isn't ready to deal with.  You're hurting right now and seeking answers to questions that arise from that pain.  In answer to your question around one r/s lasting 3 years.  Some people simply have a higher tolerance threshold for dysfunction than others, whereas a different ex may have called him out sooner on his antics.  We each have our own unique story, strengths and challenges.  No one else in his life is any more or less than you are as a person.  Not only are you worthy, you are worthy of more than he was able to offer you.   

When it comes to the cyclical thinking, try to remember that thoughts aren't facts.  We can observe our thoughts as they come up and allow them to pass without grasping onto them.  Like trains going past on a track as we stand on the platform.  We don't need to jump onboard and that choice is within your power to make.  Next time you find yourself thinking about this, try to notice it and say to yourself "Ah, I see I am dwelling on that again", then let it go and turn your attention to something else.  Preferably something that is good for you.  That may be to go for coffee with a friend, or to sit and allow yourself a damn good cry. 

The thing that you're possibly unconsciously avoiding by learning all you can about exes may be facing the pain and working through it.  Breakups suck big time and one with a BPD partner is like coming off hard drugs.  It is truly awful.  Let it be awful and then let it start to get better.  Putting it off and maintaining a connection with the person you love by contacting exes and comparing your r/s to theirs won't make it go away, only prolong the agony.  The only way out is through.  I know it's hard but it's something we must do.  We're here for you on the journey. 

Love and light x