my child-can someone help me, I feel like trash, like I failed to support her

[dene]

CAN SOMEONE HELP ME i FEEL LIKE TRASH , i FAILED TO SUPPORT MY CHILD ,i FEEL LOWER THAN ___

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Nature lover]

Your not trash... .your hurt. I understand parents are supposed to have the answers. We don't. We are taught about unconditional love... we never think that we would have to protect ourselves from our own child. I am a newbie also ... It hurts,it's scary.

[dene]

i  feel like trash , there was an altercation , cps was involved , child did nothing to hurt  her little boy, husband kicked +her off the propert+y because of altercation, we h+ave t+he++++ c+hild and eve+ryd+ay he is here without his mama I hate myself more , I am in contact with her I have said I am sorry for all my part in it , she is my daughter , I love her , and I want her here so I can help her with the little one . no sees past her illness and when I say anything about her or her illness I get shut down, I have failed her miserably , I thought her doctor was taking care of her , I am ashamed I did not research this myself , I am barely hanging on .

[dene]

I helped cause this girl all this pain , I am ashamed

[dene]

I am 57 years old , child has had issues all her life , no one listens , the other two just think she is a ___ty person , if you would look past the the desease , she was always afraid we wanted to take her child cause she was ynfit , I always told her I want you to mother him I am to old to start again I just want to nannie him, it is true your parenting skills do erode , or wear down , I am so hurt that my family is treating her like dispsable  garbage , what am I to do ? my heart is cut out, for her I can't bear to see her in so much pain, an to know I am part of it

[wendydarling]

Hi Dene

 

Welcome, I'm sorry you are in pain. Parents here understand what you are dealing with, you are not alone.  

Are you safe Dene? What's happening, you say you are looking after your grandchild after an altercation, and your daughter needs help. Do you have a friend, family member to help you?

We are here with you. Can you let us know how you are doing?

WDx  

[dene]

yes we have the child , and I have a sister I can talk to, an my husband an older daughter help some with baby ,I am so ashamed that I didn't reseach this befor now , I was stupidly trusting her physcichiatrist , when I should have been reaeaching and understanding myself I have failed her miserably

[dene]

 I love her dearly and want her to come back , but she says she hates her dad and her sister and when she has the baby back they are not going to be part of hid life , I miss her terribly , I told her today that I will take care of the baby so she doesmt have t+hat extra stress right now . TOO friggin little to friggin late I know , but I am ashamed to admit I didn't know what borderline personality disorder was , I feel so bad that I have failed her so miserably . And yes I am safe , but my girl is in turmoil and I was part of it .

[Faith Spring]

Dene,

You are a mom that cares so much for her daughter.  It's obvious.  You love her.  I'm a million miles away and I can see that you love her with all your heart.

Please don't spent too much more time beating yourself up.  The beatings you're giving yourself will take away the energy you need to cope with this problem.  

No more guilt, mama.  Let it go and feel the support and understanding from your friends here.  

Please let me know how you're feeling.  I know you're heart is carved out.  I'm so sorry. But you are here.  You can get help.  Then you can help her.  

[dene]

I can hardly sing my nitey nite song to the baby without choking up , how can I begin to stop beating myself

[Faith Spring]

I'm so sorry, this is just the worst time for you. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[dene]

Faith Spring , thank-you for your kind words , I did order toda+y a book b+y randi greger her latest one ,
I pray to God it isn't to late to be helpful in my daughters disorder , what would you suggest I do to get through this , I am so so lost , an so scared for my child

[Faith Spring]

I'll keep you both in my prayers tonight.  I'll pray for her healing and for you to forgive yourself, that's your healing. 

[dene]

faithspring , I greatly appreciate that prayer  

[Feeling Better]

Hello dene,

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling bad about yourself, you are not alone here.

I understand how you are feeling, I too beat myself up that I didn’t know what was wrong with my son, I felt a failure as a mother, I felt that I had let him down, you name it, I felt it. I too had never heard of BPD before either. Be kind to yourself if you can. If you don’t know what the problem is how can you do anything about it? It is only now, once you know what the problem is that you can do something.

I am so ashamed that I didn't reseach this befor now , I was stupidly trusting her physcichiatrist , when I should have been reaeaching and understanding myself I have failed her miserably

No need for shame dene, you are a very loving and caring mother and you have done the best job that you could, be proud of that.
We all trust psychiatrists, we have no choice. We expect them to be professional and knowledgable and we put our trust in them that they will help us. I am so sorry that you feel let down by your daughters psychiatrist.

We can help here, we can support you and give you hope. You are already taking the first steps yourself towards helping your daughter, you are doing an amazing job.

 You need to take care of yourself too, as Faith Spring so wisely says, beating yourself up takes away the energy you need to cope with this problem x

[wendydarling]

Hi dene 

Like you and most parents here I had not heard of BPD, as Feeling Better says what we don't know what we don't know till we do and that's where we can make changes, do our research to help improve things. Many of us arrive here in crisis and overwhelmed by our situation, let it all out here with us dene you are in a safe place.

You are doing an amazing job caring for your grandchild right now. It's painful when others don't understand and often falls to us to show them the way, being here we can support you. Good for you ordering Stop Walking on Egg Shells.

How are you feeling today?

Hugs to you.

WDx

[dene]

I have not been able to reach her on her phone or text ,, I hope she is just trying to get situated , this is such a nitghtmare , I am disgusted with my other daughter and husbands attitude they feel she is garbage and she is an adult let the chips fall where they lay. I am a person who believes in God an prayer ,but the fear of the unknown is just unbearable .  why is it the care of the baby is mostly falling on me, I love him to pieces ,would walk fire for him , but its like I am super human to deal with this and care for a 1 year 24 /7 , at least when daughter was here we shared the work us bearing alot of it , but forgive me if I could go back in time my daughter and her baby would not be in this situation . How do I find a therapist ?I want someone to talk to who knows no one in this messed up family .

[Faith Spring]

Dene,

I don't know how you're doing it - caring for a baby while searching for your girl and dealing with an unsupportive family.  You really have too much to carry.  It's terrible!  If praying is helpful then pray about fear, maybe pray to have that fear go away for a little while.  You need a break from fear.  And guilt. 

You can only do what you can do with what you have.  Today you have a little support here, and prayers that may offer comfort.   Sending you a hug and a prayer.   

[Scout206]

Dene
First of all, if you could go back in time you think you could have prevented your DD's BPD or healed it?  You didn't cause this disease.  Most of us on this forum did not know for years what was wrong with our children.  I only found out that my daughter has many BPD traits in January of this year.  She is 30 years old!   We've been living with this for 20 years without knowing what it was.   I have blamed myself and felt terribly guilty, but after learning, I know that I did not cause it.  I was not a perfect parent - no one is - but I was a very good mother and I cherish her as you do your daughter.   I did the best I could with the information I had at the time and so did you.   I can imagine the anguish you are feeling not knowing where your daughter is and being responsible for a small child as well.  This is a good reason for you to stop, take a few deep breaths and calm your thoughts frequently.  If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to help your daughter or the baby.   Have you been able to contact her psychiatrist?  The problems are not his/her fault either and they may be able to help.   BPD is extremely difficult to treat.   There are also emergency measures that can be started from this site if you feel that you are not safe or are completely overwhelmed and don't know where to turn.   Please let us know how you are doing.  
Scout206  

[dene]

Scout , thank-you and my daughter is 29 , I don't feel unsafe from her if thats what your asking , I have never felt that way with her . Causing her to give up the one person she would die for , and my heart bleeds when I get flash backs  like when she looked at me an said I haven't done anything wrong , and she didn't , she removed herself and the baby just like my husband demanded , I will never forgive myself for the pain an angiush I added to what this cruel decease does . Can SOMEONE TELL ME HOW  you forgive yourself for hurting your flesh an blood like that . God help me , this is a special kind of hell. My husband and daughter do not feel bad at all , and that adds to my hurt for my daughter , how can you be like that how could I let it happen . I am safe , and I am praying with everything I have left that she is too , and we didn't drive her into drugs again . I am praying for a miracle that she will go into hospital for evaluation , reassess her meds and rub it in her sisters face and her fathers when she is well . And I will be her cheer team as I always have been , but with knowledge about this cruel disgusting disorder.

[incadove]

Hi Dene

Welcome here!  Your deep love for your daughter is touching and I'm glad you are here. 

Remember, we are all just vulnerable and small beings ourselves - you cannot control the whole situation, you can only do your best at the time.  You couldn't see into the future and know that would happen, you were doing the best you could think of at the time with the information you had.

All you can do is to try to do your best now, in the new situation, as painful and scary as it is. 

How long has it been since you were in touch with your daughter?  Are you afraid for her safety?  I am terrified when I know my child is upset and I don't know where she is or who she is with, I feel better if I know she is with a friend or someone who will be there for her.  Does your daughter have anyone around her who is supporting her do you think? 

Once you find your daughter, I hope you will feel much better because if she is ok, and the child is ok, then there is hope.  Then there is a path forward, of increasing contact, of finding a way to get them back together and help your daughter find her way.

Please forgive yourself, you are only a human trying your best.  Maybe try the radical acceptance skill - it doesn't mean you don't want to change things, but accepting reality for what it is right now, and then trying to deal with it, is a skill that I have to work on myself and try to model for my kids. 

Good luck and I hope you get in touch with your daughter soon

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[dene]

I have been reading through alot of posts , and find so many simalarities , that being said I know you all understand when I say how badly I am missing her , she has lived with us since she found out she was pregnant . And I will welcome her right back if God allows it , only I have knowledge now that I didn't have before , so I am praying she will contact me . And if she wants to live seperate from us I will support 100% on that too. This young woman went to rehab on her own on her birthday 3 years ago an she has not used again . my girl can be very strong I am praying she is digging deep  and if for no other reason but to show her sister an dad a thing or two , I will be right behind her . It does not matter I will support her all the way , just give me the chance . I know it's not easy , I have ben trough alot , with out knowledge , and this wonderful group , so when I get another chance it's got to be better right ? No one knows the hell we endure as parents of BPD's , and espesially if they no nothing about it , I am so thank-ful I found this group . And seeing one post where they were encouraging child to move out , man I know why,because our BPDs have very little peace , niether does anyone close to them , I just never new the workings of this cruel cruel disorder , but even with all the ups and downs I would help her move back in a new york minute.

[dene]

Oh THANK-YOU JESUS !  my daughter has checked in , I can relax a little !


 Thank - YOU  JESUS !


tHANK-YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT MY NEW FRIENDS , YOU HAVE HELPPED ME SO MUCH AND i KNOW YOU WILL IN THE FUTURE TO COME .

[dene]

  ok now I have contact again with dd what do I do now , to cause as little friction as possible and keep the contact , ? Does anyone  have suggestions? I am so relieved I know she is safe .

[wendydarling]

Aw dene, what a relief your DD's made contact with you and you can breathe a bit. What do you think may help your daughter at this time?

WDx 

[dene]

well wendy I am not sure , but I will protect this opening like a lioness , I am going to be as supportive as possible, not going to
keep saying you need help , I suspect dd knows she needs the help but something is troubling her about it, I'm gonna validate her feelings, I'm gonna do my outmost not to react, thats all I got right now I am praying God is already got in motion all the things and the right people will be placed in her path that will be the very best help for her . Do
you have an
y thing to add that would help ?I am so hoping and praying that I will be a strong steady
 help to guide her to where she needs to be . I would greatly appreciate anyone agreeing in prayer with me .