Fighting with spouse about DD19 calling her a liar

[Daisy123]

Hey folks,
Just need to vent. Lost my cool with husband. He has a brutal tone he uses with both DD-20 and me. I’ve tried validating his anger but I am just so over his angry, bitter attitude. I must get it from him at least twice a day.

DD20 came home and asked to use the computer. He yelled at her saying she did something with her friend (drugs) and then called her a liar. She said she’d smoked weed and he went off stating that he knows she’s lying and accused her of being on something more than that.

 I know that accusing someone of using and calling them liars just gives them lisence to use more. I said he’s being a bully. He said if I didn’t like the way he talked that was my problem.

It’s hard enough dealing with my DD20, who stormed up the stairs and refused to do her chores. He complains about her every single day. I listen and say, “we have it really hard.” 

I’m just so over hearing about how awful our DD is... .I mean, come on! I live with her, I don’t need it rubbed in my face again and again and again.

Ugh! I told him that he is out of control and needs more support. He stopped going to therapy in the fall.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

Man, do I hear you tonight.  My husband is just plain mean to our d 17.  I know she's messed up.  I don't need him hinting at her need to be "sent away" "committed".  My hope is she continues to do well academically, and graduate high school, and then best case scenario, go to a college she can dorm.   

But he just can't let anything go.  He treats her mental illness like a behavioral choice.  And it's hard as parents to know which is which.  Which is the 17 year old teen behavior and which is the BPD?   It's freaking hard. 

He doesn't make it easier.  It's already hard.  I know your pain. Ugh.  It's like I can only raise one child at a time.  He had his shot with his own mom.  He's got to pull up his socks and get on board. 

[bluek9]

Daisy123,

       Hi, so very sorry you are going through this right now. I agree with you 100% no parent needs things rubbed in their face. Was there a reason he quit therapy? It's just too bad that he is not in a place to discuss working together as the parents with you. Has he ever shared how he feels about what happening with your child? For some reason men just resist the feelings so much.
      I've pretty much always been a single parent dealing with my BPDD. I thought that was hard but, if I was in your boat and not getting help, support from my spouse; I'd say the say thing "I'm just so over hearing how bad our child is".          Sending you strength and wisdom Daisy.

[Daisy123]

Hi FS,
Thanks for responding. BPD can really put a tremendous amount of stress on a marriage. 
How I wish things were different for you, too. It’s got to be so difficult watching your husband treat your daughter is a harsh way. Wouldn’t it be nice is he’d understand BPD? My husband says he does understand, but his actions show otherwise. Isn’t it just so frustrating ?

This is a time where being on the same page is critical.

My DD can really give it to my husband. She acts up even worse with him and he sees no correlation. His feelings get so hurt- even though he won’t admit it. His first and only go to emotion is anger and blame. And what’s even more ironic is- he accuses DD of lying, he is fed up with her not seeking PHP- now she sees a therapist, but that’s not good enough for him right now. He gets angry because she blames him and doesn’t take responsibility for her actions.
Husband won’t seek treatment. He won’t go back to therapy with me- he doesn’t need it. Ha!

He isn’t honest with his own emotions- he won’t admit that he’s scared or hurt.

It’s my fault and hers- we are always doing him wrong. He won’t take responsibility for his harsh tone of voice at all- we deserve it because we are doing something wrong.

I have no control over him, over my daughter. What I need to do is get clear with limits and boundaries I need to make in regards to my husband.
Now I’m going to have practice skills with husband and DDnow 20.

When his tone becomes harsh- I can say ‘ I see you are really angry right now, I can talk with you when you have calmed down.

But- what do I do when he gets abusive with DD20?
Ideas?

[Faith Spring]

My husband can’t seem to absorb the fact that our daughter has brain damage    I mean, to his credit, it is awfully hard to absorb after 17 years of no red flags.   Academics were ok.  Socially just “extremely shy”.  Then a diagnosis of BPD.  It’s emotional whiplash

[Lollypop]

Hi daisy

That’s so tough, tough for everybody. My husband was at a different stage than me. I was many steps ahead, already accepting and moving towards detaching. He was in pain and just didn’t have the skills set to cope.

I demonstrated better ways of interacting. Every little success then I shared it with my husband. It took months and months, some times there’d by a blow out and (by the time my son27 was bonding to us) I was ready a couple of times to think “I’m sticking by my sons, you’re just a nasty person we dont want to be around any more”.  Of course I didn’t say it or leave but I certainly felt like it.

Slowly, as my son got closer I started to realise just how much a negative influence my husband had on my home and kids. He simply doesn’t have the same emotional maturity as I was developing. It took me a while to work out my emotions as the family dynamics were changing.

My mantra and I used it a LOT “we’re all just doing our best right now, we can ALL try a bit harder”.

I emphasised the need for a calm, drama free house for all our sakes.

It got to the point when my husband finally had to admit that what I was doing was working. He was begrudging at first but slowly he warmed up too.

My husband just isn’t very resilient, he’s old school and is just very very tired of dramas. He needs a calm life too. Tension in the home affects everybody.

What does your husband do to take care of himself? Hobbies? Sport? Does he get time to relax?

I felt so stretched trying so hard for everybody. But you know, there were times when I was on my knees and my husband started to be the strong one.

LP

[Jnel921]

Hello all, I am new here but understand this topic as well. In the beginning my H and I would argue all of the time about my D. He kept telling me how I was handling her was all wrong except he was worse. Every time she would act up he would tell her to get out and I never thought that was the best thing to say or could help my D who interpreted this in a different way and has always had hateful feelings towards my H who is her SF and has been in her life since she is 4.

My D will be 21 this year and has been using pot since she was in HS. I believe too that she could be on other things. These days weed is mixed with other things. As parents we ant cover the sky with our hands and say its not there. So over the years when we got into these fights about her we ultimately had to go to therapy in reference to our marriage and how this who situation was affecting the both of us.

In the end we worked it out and decided that if we were going to have discussion and make a decision in regards to our D that we would make it together. My H learned to keep his opinions to himself and I am ok with having a private discussion with him about anything that he feels uncomfortable about.

When there are confrontations like that it never ends well. Your D used it as an excuse not to do her chores, which is wrong. But that is how they behave. I don't think we should ignore the obvious either. I believe in voicing my concerns in a calm way and telling my D how disappointed I feel knowing that this is her choice.

I am praying one day that something changes in her. But that wont be today.

[Daisy123]

Daisy123,

       Hi, so very sorry you are going through this right now. I agree with you 100% no parent needs things rubbed in their face. Was there a reason he quit therapy? It's just too bad that he is not in a place to discuss working together as the parents with you. Has he ever shared how he feels about what happening with your child? For some reason men just resist the feelings so much.

Thank you for sending strength. I can’t say enough just how grateful I am to have this space. As for Husband, he quit therapy because he didn’t see it making much improvement in our DD20’s life. It made such a difference in our lives because we had this safe space to talk about our DD20. In therapy, he began exploring his own childhood, cane to some important insights about himself and quit a week after that. I can’t help but think he was getting too close to some real childhood traumas and didn’t want to look much further into them.

As for hobbies, he’s got many and is good at self care, far better than me. It’s just that we both thought after DD20 got out of rehab, she’d have continued progress in a PHP program that has DBT. She’s literally doing very little, sleeping in late, running out with friends to get high. And I know howntroubled he must feel. I am trying to be empathetic. It’s hard because he is just plumb nasty, in a bad mood. This is obviously getting to him.

I just have very little tolerance of his nasty, bad mood and his treatment of our DD20. And his treatment of me.
Ugh.

[Daisy123]

[quote author=Lollypop link=topic=323950.msg12958723#msg12958723 date=1523733229

I demonstrated better ways of interacting. Every little success then I shared it with my husband. It took months and months, some times there’d by a blow out and (by the time my son27 was bonding to us) I was ready a couple of times to think “I’m sticking by my sons, you’re just a nasty person we dont want to be around any more”.  Of course I didn’t say it or leave but I certainly felt like it.

My mantra and I used it a LOT “we’re all just doing our best right now, we can ALL try a bit harder”.

I emphasised the need for a calm, drama free house for all our sakes.

It got to the point when my husband finally had to admit that what I was doing was working. He was begrudging at first but slowly he warmed up too.

What does your husband do to take care of himself? Hobbies? Sport? Does he get time to relax?

I felt so stretched trying so hard for everybody. But you know, there were times when I was on my knees and my husband started to be the strong one.

LP
[/quote]

Hi LP,
Thanks for sharing your story. You are so strong to have pushed on, modeling for your husband calmer, supportive ways of interacting with your son! It gives me hope. Perhaps all it takes is one person that the someone withBPD can connect with. I constantly feel that husband is undoing whatever I’ve done to build that bond between DD20.

I’ve said it before, BPD can reek havoc in a marriage.

We’ve had some really ugly blowups from the time our DD20 was little. We’ve been in marriage therapy three times. You’d think we’d get it right by now.

When the BPD began flaring up, DD was 14 at the time. She refused to go to school. My husband would have none of that and went off on her nearly every morning. It was hard watching our family just spin out of control. She’d lose it, then he’d lose it and than I’d lose it. It would get so ugly. Violent and out of control- it was an Inferno at our place.

Thank goodness it has calmed down a bit. I just don’t like it when husband says it’s my problem if I don’t like the way he speaks to DD or me.

Maybe this is just his way of acting out his own pain. Let’s face it, we didn’t think our DD20 would be here, living in our home, doing drugs, sleeping in and suicidal. We thought she’d be in college, living in some dorm making a life for herself through her studies.

I like your mantra- we are all doing the best we can, although we could do better.

I’m still on the fence as to what to do when he becomes so nasty to our daughter. Do I just do the parent thing- you know, create that united front and then speak to him later about it?

Is that me being part of the abuse and saying with my actions that it’s okay to be treated in such a way?
Ugh