Cycles of feeling like I'm the one with BPD/NPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I’m new to the forum and wanted to introduce myself. I ended a 20 year relationship with my partner about a year and a half ago. We have two terrific children together. Our oldest is terminally ill. He has Duchenne muscular dystrophy, he’s 17 and has very limited use of his body. He’s nearly a quadriplegic. As much as I would like to do it, there is no possibility of going no-contact.

I had been very unhappy in the relationship and thought about ending it many times over the years, but I could never quite explain why I wasn’t happy in the relationship. There was something about it that I couldn’t explain (to myself or others).

 I feel like I tried for years to make the relationship work and spent a tremendous amount of time and effort working on myself when the relationship hit a wobble believing that that would improve the relationship and that someday I would be happy—that the BP in my life would finally find me and my actions worthy, and see me and hear me. I felt obligated to stay in the relationship for my children’s sake and believed I had what it took to hang in there.

A friend suggested I read about BPD. I spent the following several weeks reading and crying (repeat).  BPD was a shock to me. I’d never heard of it before. My world was turned upside-down to realize that things I truly accepted in my core a being my fault, were not. I was spun, but relieved and validated to know that the reason for my experience had a name, and that I was not alone. I’ve now come to believe that I was in a relationship with an invisible BP (with NPD traits). My relationship with her was maddening and endlessly circular. Nothing I did or said was good enough, but I kept trying with everything I had. Suddenly I had something to explain what I could not articulate. I cried for days.

I’m reaching out to the forum now because after being out of the relationship for almost two years I find myself in cycles where I feel like I’m the BP/NP. The stress of trying to leave the relationship brings out behavior in me that is not typical and it makes me feel bad about myself. I’m confused at times, and feel defeated despite the fact that I feel like I took the most important step for my life and my future by standing up for myself and my right to be happy by leaving a relationship that was not good for me. I feel like I set a better example for my children by showing them a person who is willing to leave a relationship that is not good for him.

However, these cycles of feeling like I am the one with BPD/NPD send me down a self-reflective rabbit hole that sets me back for days.

I’m exhausted.

[RidesHurricanes]

Hi,

I’m new to the forum and wanted to introduce myself. I ended a 20 year relationship with my partner about a year and a half ago. We have two terrific children together. Our oldest is terminally ill. He has Duchenne muscular dystrophy, he’s 17 and has very limited use of his body. He’s nearly a quadriplegic. As much as I would like to do it, there is no possibility of going no-contact.

I had been very unhappy in the relationship and thought about ending it many times over the years, but I could never quite explain why I wasn’t happy in the relationship. There was something about it that I couldn’t explain (to myself or others).

 I feel like I tried for years to make the relationship work and spent a tremendous amount of time and effort working on myself when the relationship hit a wobble believing that that would improve the relationship and that someday I would be happy—that the BP in my life would finally find me and my actions worthy, and see me and hear me. I felt obligated to stay in the relationship for my children’s sake and believed I had what it took to hang in there.

A friend suggested I read about BPD. I spent the following several weeks reading and crying (repeat).  BPD was a shock to me. I’d never heard of it before. My world was turned upside-down to realize that things I truly accepted in my core a being my fault, were not. I was spun, but relieved and validated to know that the reason for my experience had a name, and that I was not alone. I’ve now come to believe that I was in a relationship with an invisible BP (with NPD traits). My relationship with her was maddening and endlessly circular. Nothing I did or said was good enough, but I kept trying with everything I had. Suddenly I had something to explain what I could not articulate. I cried for days.

I’m reaching out to the forum now because after being out of the relationship for almost two years I find myself in cycles where I feel like I’m the BP/NP. The stress of trying to leave the relationship brings out behavior in me that is not typical and it makes me feel bad about myself. I’m confused at times, and feel defeated despite the fact that I feel like I took the most important step for my life and my future by standing up for myself and my right to be happy by leaving a relationship that was not good for me. I feel like I set a better example for my children by showing them a person who is willing to leave a relationship that is not good for him.

However, these cycles of feeling like I am the one with BPD/NPD send me down a self-reflective rabbit hole that sets me back for days.

I’m exhausted.

[Cromwell]

BPDs can be masters at projection, its no wonder that you may have been made to feel as if you were the one with the problems. This feeling will fade as time goes by, it is just part of self-doubt which has been induced in you by their behaviours. Questioning yourself whether it really was our fault.

what was difficult for me is that, just like every relationship there are things that are done or said that are regretted on both sides. however, the things I did were reacted to explosively and disproportionate to what any reasonable minded person would. On the other hand, my ex officially "never" did wrong or accepted. The more I put up with this, the more confusion in my own mind would set in, basically it becomes a case of going against your own intuition, judgement and values for the sake of putting up with someone you put in your mind that you love and want to help. Its far from healthy as I only found out as it continues and gets worse, where boundaries are pushed even further as a result for not dealing with things at an earlier stage. All I can say is well done for your decision, and look forward to getting better as time goes on, these boards have been invaluable for me.

youll get there

[Harri]

Hi RidesHurricanes and welcome to the board.  I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but glad you found us.  This site is full of people who can relate to many aspects of your situation and can help you as you work through the many issues that may arise.  I am most sorry to hear about your teenage son.  How heartbreaking and to be dealing with a difficult relationship on top of is is beyond difficult. 

Have you had a chance to look around the site and read any of the articles we have available?  If not, I want to direct you to the right side of the page as a good place to start reading.  learning about BPD can help with putting behaviors into perspective and depersonalizing some of them so that you can focus on your own needs.  it is not uncommon at all for people to realize some of their own coping skills may be less than ideal.  Stress can often bring out the worst in us and if your skills are not that strong to begin with, things can really get messy.  We do have communication strategies and skill articles you can read that will help you too.  In addition, there is another board here for people who are divorced and co-parenting with their exBPD.  I think you may find some of the conversations helpful to read.  It is a combined board so you will also see posts about divorcing, custody issues co-parenting.  You can find it here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

anyway, i hope you feel free to roam around and read and post as you feel necessary.  You truly have found a great place that offers understanding and support.

Be well.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RH, Welcome!  No, you are not alone.  I used to say of my BPDxW that her motto was, "Never enough!"  It sounds like you can relate.  I admire your courage in setting an example for your children.  I like to think that, at some point in the future, my kids, like yours, will learn from my example that one need not stay in an abusive r/s.  20 years is a long time in a r/s for you.  What are you doing to care for yourself?  Yes you deserve to be happy.

LuckyJim

[Speck]

Welcome, RidesHurricanes!



I'd like to join the others in welcoming you to the discussion forums. From what you've written, you and I (and many others here) have a lot in common. First, we have the "light bulb" moment when we first find out about BPD - and it explains so much! We sit and cry in stunned relief. Then, we reach out to others for support, as you have. So, welcome, you're in the right place.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

I’m reaching out to the forum now because after being out of the relationship for almost two years I find myself in cycles where I feel like I’m the BP/NP. The stress of trying to leave the relationship brings out behavior in me that is not typical and it makes me feel bad about myself.

I understand. Be gentle with yourself, friend. It may be that you're still going through some FOG.

Please let us know how best to support you. Keep us posted on how things are going for you. Hang in there.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck