seeking guidance on "tough love" for daughter

[Archie4%]

24 year old daughter has had all of the symptoms of BPD since the age of 8.  Medication, counseling, and a therapeutic boarding school over the years have kept her alive, but with minimal life changing impact.  She has bad habits common with an addictive personality.  She's incredibly artistic when she wants to be and received her undergrad 8 months ago.  She's returned home while looking for a "real job", and hasn't (maybe can't) taken the search seriously.  We were shielded from her lifestyle when away at school, though speculated the worst, which it was based on experiencing her back in the home.  She is not thankful, appreciative, or really a functioning member of the family.  Spouse and I have started to put clear ground rules in place - monthly phone payment, car payment, and out of the house date.  My fear is she'll fail at meeting all of them (on the eve of a soon to be missed phone payment).  It appears she has a difficult time seeing herself as a self sufficient member of society.  I see myself as the parent of a future homeless person.  We are ready to stay firm on the house rules.  Move out date is 6 weeks away.  Can't beat myself up anymore.  Are we on the right track?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Call123]

Hi I am going through this stage with my 19 year old he has BPD and addictive personality it's been extremely difficult and still is as he lives with us.

I think you are doing the right thing boundaries are important and they do test them to the max it's hard for everyone when the behaviours are involved. They do have to take responsibility for there actions at some time and realise that life isn't free. I am going to be attempting to recover a phone bill from my son this month because he has run the bill up and so he needs to realise that it costs to do that although it will trigger his mood and he will probably be horrible to me over it.

I feel tough love is now the only approach I can try as I have tried all other approaches and there is only so much uou can take from it. The whole house is tierd and stressed by our situation I have younger ones and it's not fair that he takes up all my time and they get little attention at times.

The way I see my situation is if I keep going the way I am he will not learn or try to change he acts like a child and o wouldn't put up with the verbal abuse of anyone else. I am starting to think maybe he should move out to take the stress off all of us a little bit the trouble is if I mention it he then tries to manipulate me by telling me he won't cope and he will do things so I am stuck in a dilemma with it all.

Hope things work for you stay strong is my main advice and don't let her manipulate you if she is prone to that as my son is its so difficult when they do that.

[bluek9]

  WELCOME  Archie4%,

               Glad you're here and asking questions. You are so right, dealing with our BPD kids is stressful, taxing and wears us down so fast. I have a daughter 35 who lives with me. Setting and keeping boundaries is important but, not for getting them to change. I find they helpme protect myself and keep me from getting used and run over. When we look at BPD and how it effects our kids it's so hard to see a way to help them. It's a delicate line of wanting them to be responsible and yet accepting what they can and cannot actually do.
            I'm totally into tough love and natural consequences. Meaning I let my daughter make her own choices, no matter how crappy they may be. I also let her know I'm here for support, not enabling or rescuing. And oh yes you can be sure we have been through our share of meltdowns over this. You mention you feel like you may be a parent to a future homeless person. My daughter was homeless on the streets with my them 6 month old grandson. It happens. It brakes our hearts, then we find another way of supporting them. The comment you made about her not seeing herself as a self sufficient member of society is so true. BPD keeps our kids from finding their own self worth, that's a harsh reality for us as parents. Keep yourselves strong, keep supporting your child in ways that work for you. We are all here to listen.

[jones54]

Having boundaries is one of the hardest things to do. We as parents fear the worst for our kids. It is not dissimilar to having a loved one with addiction. We as parents tend to enable out of fear. The truth is our kids have to learn from their mistakes and suffer the consequences. We often make excuses for them because they have a "mental illness". But the truth is, they know right from wrong. Boundaries are necessary in life in general. You have a fear that she will be homeless. Well, my 32 yo daughter who is a BPD/heroin addict just finished living in a homeless shelter for 6 plus weeks and was doing heroin. She lost everything except a few clothes. Hardest boundary I ever had but by the grace of God she is now sober and in a rehab house. I do not feel this would have happened if I kept helping her (which I did for years). It was finally her decision to get sober and seek help.  I pray she will finally stay sober but that will be up to her. I will still need to keep my boundaries. I would encourage you to read the book Boundaries. Boundaries are more for your sanity than theirs.