Mitigate reputation damage through divorce?

[San Diego]

I am in the process of a divorce my wife initiated. I have been one of the last people to show up to the reality party. She insisted that for her privacy everything be kept very quiet and not discussed. Meanwhile everyone has been wondering what horrible thing I had done that I was out of the house and not coming to regular church events and would not defend myself. The legal clock was ticking, and she needed six months before she could force an unlivable legal separation into a divorce without my consent. Six months to the day, she made her move. I was shocked. Shouldn't have been, but this has been so hard to accept.

If I can remove my rose colored glasses long enough to see the full spectrum, I see all this. I also know she has begun strategically broadening the group of people special enough to privately let in on the painful secret she has been guarding for the past year: that she has been severely abused. My therapist bluntly told me to recognize a smear campaign when I see one.

Any experience with how to handle this proactively and constructively—to protect myself and my family in a healthy way? Can I make the whole situation safer? I'm wondering about just preemptively creating total transparency. I do not have the skills to play social games myself, even if I had the heart.

[Mutt]

Hi San Diego,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through a smear campaing, I can relate, a pwBPD will put through an emotional barrage it's an experience like no other. There is hope.

First, I'm not a legal expert and I'm not in the US senior members on this board will respond anytime. A pwBPD fear abandonment and will frantically try to avoid it and sometimes they will abandon you before they're abandoned, it's self destructive behaviour but I can see the logic, that being said a pwBPD will blame shift on their partner and this is what you're getting right now. I'd suggest that you speak to an L, you didn't give specifics other than she said that you were abusive. My uBPDexw said that I was financially, emotionally and physically abusive to the kids, the best way to deal with it is do nothing because if you give her attention it just adds more fuel to the fire, give her radio silence and the quicker this will go away.

From what you have said I think you belong here, you will fit in, your situation is like a lot of the  other members, you're not alone. Have you read Bill Eddy's book, Splitting?

Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

[San Diego]

Thank you so much for the reply, Mutt. That’s good to understand about radio silence.

I should clarify that when I mentioned my wife’s secret of being abused, it may have sounded like that was indeed the case. Rather, this was her stated basis for her splitting. I suppose that’s a safe guess to most here, but I initially believed everything she said I did to her was somehow true and that I was the one who was so mentally ill I didn’t even know what I had done.

The reputation risk I worry about is what happens as she begins telling people what she told me. Because of the way I responded deferentially out of love, I fear I will appear guilty. I’m most worried for how our kids may be affected. I worry for her too, because we share a community of support and I do not want to see galvanized positions emerge, which would be a self-fulfilling projection of her own splitting. This is a really hard situation to navigate socially and legally.

Definitely will talk to a lawyer and read that book. Thanks.

[Jeffree]

SD,

I am so sorry for what you're going through. It must suck to feel as though you've lost so much already and that your ex will stop at nothing to continue to alienate you from your mutual community.

Have you been able to speak to your church leader (pastor?) about this and seek his counsel?

I will say that in almost all cases such as these the truth wins out. A cop might get wind of this and share with someone that no domestic charges against you exist. Your ex might get with someone else and cause the rumor mill to turn against her. She might shift her hatred to a parishioner and alienate herself that way. Hopefully, they will all tire of her whining and griping and remember that what she is saying does not jive with their experience of you. It will take some time, but you have to trust your history with this community and that you will be vindicated in the end.

J

[San Diego]

Very helpful advice, Jeffree. This all makes sense. Yes, no charges, and she has already alienated many old friends. I see I do need to trust the truth. This is like one of those old maps where the unexplored parts say “here there be dragons.” This conversation has meant a lot. Thanks, folks!