Married/Separated/ Disengaged at the moment

[anon56789]

Hi, This is my very first post on this site... …I am looking for some kind of understanding and community so I don’t feel so alone in my crazy situation. I don’t really have a question, just want someone, anyone,  to listen and a tiny bit of support.

I am in my second marriage. I have two kids from the first marriage- 9 and 11. I married a second time to my current wife. My wife’s first language is Spanish. Her Father left the family when she was a young girl and died when she was an early teen. She was also sexually molested when she was around early elementary age. Has also had other sexual harassment issues with others as a teenager and adult. One incident with an older brother. She was hospitalized in her early 20’s for eating disorders. She came very close to dying. She has a thyroid condition which affects her emotions….We dated for 2 years before we got married. My mistake was that in a long distance relationship, you don’t get to really know them in a normal living situation. Especially in our situation when I have two kids part time. 4 years ago we married. Immediately we clashed. She begged and pleaded to take less time with my kids and more time with her. I made minor changes to the visitation schedule, but it has never been enough. She started getting physical with me after only 2 months of marriage.

According to the 9 qualifications for BPD here is what I conclude:
Fear of abandonment- Extreme fear of abandonment. Irriational to say the least.
Unstable relationships- Even her relationships with her family are hot/cold. She doesn’t make/have many friends. She makes/deletes friends on FB all the time. Myself included.
Unclear or unstable self-image- She is always taking selfies. She is always calling herself fat (she weighs less hat 100 pounds). I can see she struggles with confidence in how she looks physically- even though she is extremely sexy and beautiful in my eyes.
Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors- Impulsive, yes, but not in the areas discussed e.i.- sex/drugs/stealing/. Self Destructive- not really.
Self-harm- She discusses not wanting to live anymore occasion. She loves God with all her heart, though, and she doesn’t want to jeapordize her relationship with God. The only self harm might be to stop eating on occasion as she struggles from time to time with her past eating disorders.
Extreme emotional swings.- Most definitely. One wrong word or thought I speak could set her off and put her in a horrible mood. Even non-verbal cues would make her crazy for no reason. She will curse me, degrade me, and do whatever it takes
Chronic feelings of emptiness- She feels this way a lot. She questions God on why He made her this way. She tells me of the suffering she experiences She tells me she wants to just go somewhere where no-one knows her and start over.
Explosive anger- Yes, we have had many many incidents of her beating and abusing me. She breaks things, Verbally uncontrollable. Slaps, hits, bites, squeezing my balls, sitting on top of me, not letting me leave the room/home. I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone and it lasts all night long.
Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality- Paranoid I am looking at other women, I am hiding my phone from her, the kids are recording her to take back to their mom, the kids are stealing her things, that I still love my ex, other people are prejudiced against her, people are racist towards her etc, etc…

Recently, we have had so many incidents of getting out of control, I have disengaged just so we can have peace. She blocked me on FB and Cell Phone. She has been staying with her sister in the next state and now she is working in another state for her brother’s business. We have not talked but only emailed a couple times.

I have been reading “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and I am almost finished with it. I also have a “Eggshells” workbook and “I love you don’t leave me” book lined up to read.
What are some books/methods that have helped you the most in your life with this situation? 

[AskingWhy]

Welcome to the forums, anon56789.

You come with a huge grasp of BPD already, although this does not help with the pain of dealing with a wife who is BPD.

Not all of the diagnostic criteria will fill the bill.  They are only guidelines.  You also know that BPD is a spectral disorder.  Some people are mild and highly functional.  Some have high-level jobs and seem "normal" at work.  Others are crippled by their illness.

It think the "Eggshells" and "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" are great books to start.

You will find many articles here on dealing with a spouse with BPD.  Your being in a blended family also complicates matters, so be sure you understand the ramifications of being in a step family.  It's easy for a divorced parent to put the children ahead of his spouse.  That is a recipe for discord and eventually divorce. That is common even in marriages without personality disorders.

Again, welcome.

[Harri]

Hi anon56789 and welcome to the boards!  I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but I am glad you found us.  This is an excellent site where people will listen understand and support you.  AS you read more, you will find that many many of us are in similar positions and struggle with the same issues. 

A good place to start reading is to look over on the right side of the page where you will see a vertical list of links to read.  There are a lot more articles as well in the Library section of this site so I hope you feel free to roam and read.  The books you read are excellent and certainly good ones to start with.  As you post more details we can better guide you to additional resources.

Again, I just want to say welcome and I can't stress enough how much help you can receive by reading and posting here.  Things can improve for you as they jave for many of us.

[anon56789]

Thanks to you both for responding!

I hope to gain much much more knowledge and understanding. I have spent this separation time with much reflection and analysis on how I go to where I am and where do we go from here.

[Harri]

I have spent this separation time with much reflection and analysis on how I go to where I am and where do we go from here.

What sort of things have you been looking at for your answers?

[Lucky Jim]

I have spent this separation time with much reflection and analysis on how I go to where I am and where do we go from here.

Hey anon, Welcome!  Yes, we get it when it comes to BPD.  Concerning how you got to where you are today, I would say that's a fruitful inquiry and usually has something to do with one's FOO and/or other trauma from childhood, which is why a BPD r/s feels familiar.  Concerning where to go from here, that's another important question that only you can answer.  It involves finding one's path again, I submit, and for me that meant striving for authenticity after pretending for years that things were OK in my marriage when they were definitely not OK, with the result that I lost myself for a while there.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim