Advice on setting a boundary

[wellthisisnofun]

Some of you may be following my initial post and plight here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323724.0

In short, my uBPDw of nearly 10 years is threatening to leave / divorce, and it's not looking good. This may be a bit different than other situations as I sort of "checked out" and "detached" for years, for my own survival, ultimately leading to resentment and anger, and her possibly crossing a point of no return - despite my saying I wanting to work on it.

We are now co-existing in the same house, while she is asking for her space. It is awkward and as if we are ghosts in many ways. I am being cordial and 100% nice, whenever appropriate - saying hello, asking how her day was, etc. But I am trying to go with the "this is her show" thing and not really interfere too much. I did move out for a week initially, to a hotel, exactly as we agreed - but that week is up and I have been back for another week, and just trying to deal.

It is not a fun situation, with her holed up in our master bedroom, and me sleeping in a guest bedroom. I have been doing as much as I can to stay social and busy, but there are times when I just want my house and my comfort and my TV and my dog and my things and to veg and be distracted. I can't do that anywhere else. My whole life has been turned upside down and I don't want the house to be either.

This morning I didn't go to work until later in the day since I Just. Didn't. Feel. Like. It. I spent the morning in our living area, semi reading these forums, semi reading other things, and semi watching TV. It's all I can do to pass the time, sitting in a sort of negative limbo.

I went upstairs late morning and she was still in bed on her phone. I took a chance at one nice moment of contact, and said hello, how did she sleep, and walked over and brushed her hair and forehead gently. First contact like that in 2 weeks - I have otherwise been shut out, with her having put up massive walls. Her response was "So, are you no longer going to work, or going late all the time now? I said I needed my space and I don't feel like I'm getting it. I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own home." Ugh.

Well, that makes two of us with the prisoner thing. I didn't really say anything back since it was coming from a point of aggression, and it amped my anxiety initially. I thought about it while I got ready, what I would say, and trying to establish a boundary. This is MY house and I NEED my house now as well, for my own survival during this tough time. I thought about using the SET method to deliver that message, but then delayed thinking I would need more time to think about delivering it (my wife is extremely triggered and defensive, especially right now), and I also didn't want to do it so close to when that interaction had just occurred.

So here's what I'm thinking, likely tomorrow - a bit of taking back some control, setting my own boundaries, making use of SET. How does this sound?

Me: I care about you immensely. I understand you don't feel like you're getting the space you need and that I am contributing to that. However, the reality is that this is my house too - I live here and despite the awkwardness of our current situation, which I would love to improve, it's one of the few bits of "normal" I have left in my life right now. So I will try to respect your space in the house as much as possible, but I'm going to be here as well, potentially sometimes when you might not want me to , since I need it for my own comfort, too. 

Who knows where this might lead - if she protests, I will stand my ground and simply say that's how it is and I need to do it for me. It could also lead to a discussion of her moving out in some fashion, I really don't know. But I need to put on my big boy pants and have some control of my own. The last 3 weeks of her saying "I don't know if I want to work on it" is killing me, so at least I'll have this. Would appreciate any thoughts / feedback. Thank you... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Hi,

Sorry you are going thru this.

I wish I had the benefit of this community when me and my BPD bf were going thru similar.  We lived together for ten years.  Last march, we separated living space, he is renting a house.

I have worked on my co dependency issues this last yr.  I had thought all of our issues, were actually his disorder.  I was making things worse.

What I see, is my co dependency was the problem.
I was unhealthy, toxic.  So, I can only share, I had to work on myself, use the tools here,  get clear about, my s.o. has a serious mental illness.

I need to get my side of the street cleaned up.

Everything looks different to me now.

Keep reading here, post here.  Take excellent self care.

Lots to learn!  J

[wellthisisnofun]

Thanks for your response, juju. I empathize with where you are coming from and am glad your side of the street is looking better for you now!

I do recognize that I have challenges and am working on them both professionally and on my own, and I have also fully accepted my own contribution to this, in that I detached instead of trying to work things through in a more healthy manner. At the same time, I tried... .and tried... .and tried at first, and for a long time. My wife is particularly triggered, sensitive and defensive, in nearly every interaction. My family saw and experienced it, and so did my friend. There is only so much getting up you can do when the kicking continues while you're on the ground.

I think setting healthy boundaries is obviously something I need to work on, and this is at least a step towards that. For anyone out there who has been able to do well at boundary setting, does what I expressed in my first post above resonate as the right approach? Any suggestions or advice? I'm all ears. I do not intend to be shut out of my own home or made to feel guilty that I want and need that for myself right now.

[Speck]

Hello, wellthisisnofun!

It sounds like you're definitely not having any fun. I'm sorry things are so... .awkward... .at your house. You asked a question:

So here's what I'm thinking, likely tomorrow - a bit of taking back some control, setting my own boundaries, making use of SET. How does this sound?

Me: I care about you immensely. I understand you don't feel like you're getting the space you need and that I am contributing to that. However, the reality is that this is my house too - I live here and despite the awkwardness of our current situation, which I would love to improve, it's one of the few bits of "normal" I have left in my life right now. So I will try to respect your space in the house as much as possible, but I'm going to be here as well, potentially sometimes when you might not want me to, since I need it for my own comfort, too. 

I think this well-considered response is a perfect example of utilizing SET to set a boundary. You are being supportive, showing empathy, but also speaking your truth. Just beautiful.

I champion your effort to bring more stability, peace, and harmony into your life. Most times, we have to do this for ourselves. Sometimes, we have to put on our big boy pants.

Let us know how it goes... .


-Speck

[SunandMoon]

Hi wtinf

I think it's a good idea to start working on boundaries too and the way you have worded the one above is very good.

The only thing I would look at is: "I care about you immensely."
The use of the word immensely (unless you normally speak like that) may make her react and not listen to the rest.

Maybe something like: I do care about you and I'm sorry things are so hard at the moment.
Then continue with the rest, which is very good.

I'm thinking you have probably told her this by now. How did it go?

[walkinthepark247]

wellthisisnofun,

First off, great use of humor (I assume) in your name. Sometimes, that is all we have going for us.

There were several parts to your post that really resonated with me. First off, I probably am very cold to my spouse at times. There have just been so many times in the past where I had to detach simply for my own well-being. At the same time, i have not given up on her or the relationship. It's a fine line to walk and I know I haven't mastered it. It can be so exhausting (and sometimes dangerous) to be in these relationships and having to constantly prove our love.

I'm also glad to hear that you are examining your own contribution to where you are today. That's healthy and the only true way to grow. You don't want to be some bitter person that cannot function later. <I'm partly saying this to myself as well> There are others I see on this site that take a "woe-is-me" attitude constantly. How can we improve?

[Tattered Heart]

Excellent use of SET. It sounds very genuine, empathetic, but also direct. How did it go?

[wellthisisnofun]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the replies and I'm sorry for taking this long to respond. To put it mildly, as a continuation of my original post linked above, I am definitely struggling with the current situation, especially with feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, emptiness, loneliness, etc.

I ended up not needing to be as "direct" in my communication as I thought I would be. On Sunday, she asked me "So, how is your reading, etc. going? Any epiphanies?" She knows I've been doing therapy and reading several self-help books trying to work on my part in all of this. I said that I had actually been learning a lot and felt far better equipped than I had been just a few weeks earlier. I even explained some of the things that I had been learning - like how what I said and did before didn't validate her feelings, and made her feel like I was trying to change them (unintentional), etc. I was honest and direct about where I was and still wanting to work on it.

But the conversation sort of morphed back into what it was a week or two ago - that she still can't get over the "10 years" aspect of our problems, doesn't trust that I could change, not sure she wants me to change. She has a lot of resentment, doesn't think she can get over, and not sure she wants to. She also said this has now made her not attracted to me - which is a kick in the gut, but when I look at the whole thing I also just maybe see that I am now purely in the 100% devaluation mode of her splitting behaviors. She has done similar with me and friends before, but never this extreme with me.

I tried to use all the tools I have learned here to make for a better conversation, and think it helped that to happen - but at the end of the day, she still is essentially saying she has one foot out the door.  That there is 10% of her that has prevented her from doing that, and she's not sure what it is, exactly - fear? some connection to me? other? 10% though... I don't like those odds.  

The reason I didn't have to use my SET thing I asked advice about is that our living situation sort of came up naturally, and in the context of that, she offered naturally something about "I know you live her too" which made it unnecessary to have to set boundaries in the way I thought I would.

I know from speaking to a friend that she really hasn't made a decision yet, and is also working on herself in a sense, which is good. I know she is reading The Untethered Soul right now - not sure what that might mean in terms of her state of mind with regard to staying or leaving. If anyone knows that book and could comment on it and how it might relate to my situation, I would appreciate it.

As part of our conversation, she brought up that she was "so sick of being in Toxic relationships" - referring to her parents (both essentially abandoned here at various points in her life), some previous relationships, and now ours. She just won't go to the place where she can become aware or, or want to do anything about, her role in it and how her (undiagnosed) BPD is really at the heart of contributing to it. It's all classic BPD - she wants so much to be loved, but pushes away the people that get close to her. And I'm still here, still offering, and at least currently being rejected.

She is looking for some sort of "clarity" to help her make a decision. She has a trip to visit some friends and family next week, and then I have some small travel that overlaps at the end. We will be apart about 10 days. I'm hoping this gives her the clarity she needs, cause obviously this can't go on forever - I am in total limbo and it is excruciating. So I'm guessing that if in 2-3 weeks time she hasn't made a decision, I need to force one.

On the good side, the friends she is seeing on this trip have seen the dynamic between us. One of them even told me how there was a point when they were watching her constant jabs at me, and saying how can I put up with that, and that at one day I was just going to "blow". I never did, obviously - I checked out, for survival, which is the part I own. But I'm hopeful that maybe they can be advocates for me / use when they spend time together. I've been talking to the husband about this, and I'm hopefully maybe they can get her to realize the extent of her role in things, which perhaps could cause a shift in her thinking... .I don't know... .

In the meantime, I am doing my best to give her her space, and work on myself, and sort of healthily detach as much as I can (both by giving space and attempting to not get caught up in any drama if it happens, and use SET / validation / etc. when it does). But it's hard, really hard, as I know you all know or can imagine. We have been in a better place in terms of our interactions in the house for the past several days, to the point where it makes me go "huh, that's weird - why are you proactively talking to me about something you saw in the news that would interest me, and being nice to me about X, Y or Z, texting me an interesting link like you used to, etc., when you supposedly want to leave me and say you feel like a prisoner in your own home?" It's all so confusing, with mixed signals, sort of. Meanwhile, I'd dying inside... .

I even invited her to go to another talk she would have been interested in, to try to connect with her. She had other plans but was going to try to fit it in, she said. Late in the day, she said that those plans were running late so it probably wasn't going to happen, and even said "I'm sorry" via text - maybe the first "I'm sorry" from here in years, in any form. I said "That's okay. I wasn't even sure if I should ask since I want to give you time and space. It's okay." To which she replied, "Well I was seriously wanting to go. I wish I had known the exact time/date yesterday before making plans." That made me feel better and actually a minor ray of hope, but she might have also been referring to the topic area mostly, not necessarily "going with me." Ugh. How did I get here?

So, I'm just trying to manage right now, walking lines of detachment and giving her her space, working on myself, but also being true to some of the commitments I made to her when this all started several weeks ago (like finding fun and interesting things to do around town every week - hence my ask her to go to that talk, even though that is sort of the opposite of detaching and giving her space). Mornings tend to be tougher than afternoons and evenings, for some reason. Not sure why that is... .

Any advice or thoughts or commentary is always appreciated here. Thank you for being there, friends.

[SunandMoon]

Well this sounds like it's moving in the right direction, wtinf!

Seriously, I know you are feeling a bit despondent, but compare this to how things were a few weeks ago. At that time she wanted you out. Now you are communicating respectfully and she is reaching out to you. Even acknowledging that is your house too. All very positive!

It will take time. Don't get too hung up on the 10% thing. The truth is, you have "one foot out the door" too but you are not saying things like that to her. I doubt that she'll ever turn around and reverse that statement (a lot of nons wouldn't either); instead things will hopefully get progressively better and ultimatums like that will stop happening.

I checked "The Untethered Soul" over at Goodreads and it's a book about self awareness, with an emphasis on mindfulness and meditation. That's good! Mindfulness on her part would help.

In amongst all this, have you been doing any fun and relaxing things for yourself?