Feeling anger

[Swimmy55]

Hi There,
 I am relatively new to this forum and have been reading the posts.  My problem is maybe me- I am very angry at my adult son who has BPD traits.  He had a meltdown over 3 weeks ago and I am still angry over it.  Of course, he has long since put it out of his head.  Anyway, because of the meltdown he was borderline violent ( grab phone out of my hand, blocking my path to pass by).  I told him this is not acceptable so he either has to get help ormake plans to move out.  He was back and forth, now seems to be geared toward the moving out part.  He has to find a job first.  So I hired a job coach to help him with his resume.  Long story short, this has been a long long road like it has been for many of us.  Many years of ERs hospitalizations, suicide attempts, public explosive meltdowns.   I am worn the hell out.  Maybe going through menopause while he is an adult back at home is not helping .   WHere I am today is this-  I just want him to leave.  There is love there, but I just want him out.  I'm paying for his school loans, will continue to do that and help him , but from a distance.  I think many here would like to still help their BPD child. I realize I can't, so I am done.  Maybe I'm giving up hope.  I dunno.   Anyway, thanks for the listen.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi there Swimmy55

Welcome to the bpdfamily

So many parents here will relate to your feelings of anger and exhaustion, we have all been there and many of us are still there, it is utterly exhausting so you've come to the right place to share and vent your concerns; a safe haven where you can speak without judgement and feel supported. 

Hi There,
I told him this is not acceptable so he either has to get help ormake plans to move out.   There is love there, but I just want him out.   Maybe I'm giving up hope.

I don't think you are giving up hope, I think your anger and exhaustion is driving you to make better decisions and changes for you.  Unless our BPD children engage in getting better, this is all we can do.  It's positive to hear that you are stepping in to make him accountable and create some space for you.  We gave life to our beautiful kids and we did the best we could but that doesn't mean we should expose ourselves to a life of misery, and use and abuse by our children.

Small change is for the better.  I recently read Shari Manning's book "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder".  Her book talks to the heart of much of what you have and are going through.

Given the number of hospitalisations etc, are you able to share why there was no diagnosis for BPD?

Keep coming and sharing, we all care.

Merlot

[Swimmy55]

Thank you Merlot. Your post really helps.  His probs started since he was 8.  By 12 he had major depressive disorder and OCD.  Then it morphed to Bipolar I , etc.  I think they can't be allowed to place a diagnosis of BPD on a teen under 18, which is why he has had "trait" attached to it.  I am angry because of his actions ( he read a journal of mine... Buried in my closet with my private thoughts a while ago.  It came out 3 weeks ago that he did it , and he was reciting and mimicking things I wrote in private.  I am not getting over this latest outrage, though.  Thank you for your kind thoughts.

[Merlot]

Hi Swimmy55

You really have been dealing with this for a long time, that's got to be hard 

I could understand why you would be angry. We are all entitled to our privacy, a place of sanctuary where we can disclose our innermost thoughts/feelings/reflections  and feel like they are safeguarded.

It sounds like he has crossed a line with you. While I certainly understand how you are feeling, I would be interested to know how you handled this situation? I think many parents including myself are learning how to deal with destructive behaviours.  There is much to be said for depersonalising the behaviour, and establishing clear boundaries, and this continues to be a challenge for me too, particularly if I am angry.

I hope you have been able to take some time for yourself.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Merlot

[Huat]

Hi Swimmy55.  I'm jumping in here with Merlot to welcome you to this community of support.

Sounds like it has been a long, difficult road for you and the straw that broke the camels back came when your son became "borderline violent." I heard you loud and clear then.  You are so, so right when you told him his actions were unacceptable.  Something similar happened with our daughter and instantly I knew the brakes had to be pushed down on... .hard!

We are in our mid 70's and our roller coaster ride with our daughter has gone on for 40 long, dramatic years now.  We had been warned that her verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse... .and we are getting to the point quickly where it will be more and more difficult to defend ourselves if her anger escalates to the unthinkable.   Our non-negotiable line-in-the-sand is that we next meet in a counsellor's office.  She is adamant that will never happen.  So-be-it!

Yes, I am done, too... .done with the way things were done in the past.  I consider that a good thing.  A favourite of mine that I like to point out to others here is to the right "Lesson 2... .If your current approach is not working - change it."  Sometimes it takes a surge of anger to get that in motion... .to give one a feeling of empowerment... .not "power"... .but "empowerment."

So, you hang on to a bit of that anger, Swimmy55. 

Once again, welcome.

Huat