I have an undiagnosed BPD husband and I suffer from pmdd

[Radcliff]

Hello Catlady,

You mentioned how hard you are trying to modify your behavior, yet it doesn't seem to be enough.  There is no way you can be brilliant enough to fix everything on your own.  The skills we teach here and that you've been reading about are super useful.  They can make things better many times.  They almost always can help us keep from making things worse.  That makes them worth learning and practicing.  But we can't fix the situation on our own.

Your phrases that you have handy to say when you need to buy some time sound good.  That is smart.  He won't validate you for using them, and may complain.  You can adjust your delay phrases and try to find the best one.  Another thing to do along with your delay phrase is to identify the emotion and validate it -- tell him you care about how he is feeling.  There may be times when he complains, but your efforts are actually working much better than he wants to admit.  It certainly beats being defensive and arguing.

Asking for a separation is tricky.  In your case, you don't want to do that until you've carefully thought everything through, including having a safety plan in place.  Local DV folks or the hotline can help you with that.  Anger and abuse typically escalate over time, often taking sudden jumps for the worse during times of stress.  Separation or feared abandonment is one of most stressful times, and a period of increased risk.  Which gets me back to calling the DV hotline.  That is going to be an important part of your journey.  I have been there, and called the hotline.

WW

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi Catlady.  I am glad to hear that things are starting to settle down a bit.  Will you be able to get to church this weekend?  No commitment needed, but I think it would be good for you to get out and be around other people.  Are there any weekend activities at your library?  I was very surprised to learn how many different programs are available at my library.  All free too!

Has any one asked for a separation for their SO with BPD? ... .I haven't asked him to stay away . I just don't know if it when he comes back I can be strong enough to not get dizzy and lost in his behaviour and stay in control of myself consistently.

I am going to join with Wentworth and encourage you to call the hotline now when things are more settled.  It is always easier to think things through when you are not in the middle of a crisis.  They can help support you whether you decide to stay or leave and you need that.  Calling the hotline is not necessarily for leaving, it is about helping you to help yourself.

Can you commit to going to the website and using the chat function there?  thehotline.org

[Catlady3.14]

Thank you. It just so hard. I wish there was an easy way to fix it but I'm know there isn't.
I'm willing to work on it with him. I just don't know if he will or not and how to help him see and ease into getting help.

I'm really very torn and deeply hurt that he has done the things he has.
It's always a promise... I'm done doing this and I don't want to do it anymore. Then the next time comes. And every time it is blamed on me.
Granted some times I make it worse and sometimes I start it.

[Catlady3.14]

Yes I intend on reaching out to public and hotline resources.  I intend on continuing therapy. My appt. Is a month out but I  am going to walk in when I can get a way there.

I asked about volunteering at the library. I told her if I could bring my little one I'd be happy to. She said she would ask and leave me an application to fill out.
We go on a walk or something daily.
I try to keep my older kids busy with after school activities and their friends.
 

[Radcliff]

Yes, it is a heavy weight to think about how difficult it is to change things for the better.  It can be very discouraging.  I'm sorry.  It is also incredibly difficult to deal with the paradox that these behaviors that hurt us come from someone we love.  We want the good without the bad!

Two things are possible from this point.  Things could deteriorate, or they could stay steady.  Let's hope they stay steady.  If they do, then you can control the pace -- learning, building your strength, trying for improvements, reflecting on what you want and need.  Things we suggest now, you may not be ready for.

How can we best support you now?

WW

[Radcliff]

Yes I intend on reaching out to public and hotline resources.  I intend on continuing therapy. My appt. Is a month out but I  am going to walk in when I can get a way there.

Excellent!  Let us know how it goes with each step!  You've got a cheerleading section here
       

WW

[Catlady3.14]

Thank you guys so much. I am so glad to have you all as support.
I'll let you all know how things are going thank you.