Was hoping to reconcile, now he says he's in a another relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi family

Am at the beginning of a cooling off period, we were in couples counseling, separated for 1 year.

He told me last week he is in a r/s,
before that, he said he was dating, nothing serious, and him and me saw eachother once a week, our T. said we needed to start SLOW.

Anyway, after he told me he was in a r/s, I decided this as a last resort, cooling off, he can call or text, it's not NC.  I just finally realized he never had a chance to miss me.  I was always at his beck and call.

I see how my behaviour was making things worse.

I don't know what else to do.

He is happy, he is with someone he really likes (I guess), and to top it off, his new psychiatrist says he doesnt have BPD.  He has ptsd.

I guess I should be happy for him.

Am lost and sad.  Can't seem to get a hold of myself.

Thank you for listening.

juju

[juju2]

Hi family

Am at the beginning of a cooling off period, we were in couples counseling, separated for 1 year.

He told me last week he is in a r/s,
before that, he said he was dating, nothing serious, and him and me saw eachother once a week, our T. said we needed to start SLOW.

Anyway, after he told me he was in a r/s, I decided this as a last resort, cooling off, he can call or text, it's not NC.  I just finally realized he never had a chance to miss me.  I was always at his beck and call.

I see how my behaviour was making things worse.

I don't know what else to do.

He is happy, he is with someone he really likes (I guess), and to top it off, his new psychiatrist says he doesnt have BPD.  He has ptsd.

I guess I should be happy for him.

Am lost and sad.  Can't seem to get a hold of myself.

Thank you for listening.

juju

[heartandwhole]

Hi juju,

I’m sorry that you feel lost and sad. In your shoes, I would feel the same. 

What would you like to happen? Are you hoping to get back together?

heartandwhole

[juju2]

This is my last resort.i would like to get back together.  It seems like he thinks we had too much baggage.  I don't see him thinking good things about us;painting me black, definitely dark gray.

It seems like he met someone better, and he is all caught up in that r/s.  I know who it is, she is 13 yrs younger than him. 

I don't know how to compete.  She is a professional, about to get her doctorate, and i am sure he will have a great life w her.

Right now, it looks like his life is all roses.  Esp. since his new psychiatrist said he doesn't have BPD, only ptsd.

I am in a bad place, family... .

[juju2]

Hi family,

All this stuff is up for me.

He said he is in another r/s, there is another thread about that.

Meanwhile, after being gone for 1year, he moved to a much smaller place, about 75% of his possessions are here at our house we shared.

Closet has shoes, leathers, clothes, our 3rd b.r.
is full w his camping stuff, tools, all the things he holds dear.

The backyard is full w tools, a car he wants to rebuild, Sunbird convertible, and an teardrop aluminum trailer, from the 60's, it has a sink, room for 4, it's neat.  I haven't pushed the issue.

We are in a 6 month cooling off, my decision.  He can call, text.  I am confused. I love him.

[SunandMoon]

Dear Juju

I'm so sorry. I can hear your pain. I know you had a lot invested in this relationship and that you had hopes.

It doesn't mean that the hope is totally gone. There's no guarantee that this new relationship of his will work out. Or he might try it out and come back to you sometime in the future. We never know.

What you have been learning here is to work on yourself and you have done such a good job so far!

You've lost a lot of weight and changed your look, you're studying new things, meeting new people... .a lot of good is happening.

If you have chosen this cooling off time, embrace this six months and really see how much you can improve your life - with or without him.

[SunandMoon]

Hi again Juju

I see you've got a lot of posts here and you're obviously having a really hard time at the moment.

I wondered if he was still storing all his stuff at your house. I remember when you first started posting here and started seeing the counsellor together. She told you that she thought he was using you because he had all his things stored with you.

Whether that's true or not, you've taken responsibility for his stuff for a long time and that's not fair to you. Do you think this is another way that you have been enabling him; making everything easy for him?

Personally, if it was me, I'd give him one month to move all his things. Whether his house is too small or he doesn't have money, is not your responsibility. It's his and you don't need to keep doing that for him.

I'm sure being surrounded by his things doesn't help you at all. I think I remember you saying there was so much stuff you could only clean two rooms, is that right?

Reclaiming your space could be very much symbolic of reclaiming your life. What do you think?

[juju2]

Yes, I agree, and i am not up to it.

He just called, left voice message, and asked if he could come in the house and get some stuff for a job tomorrow.

I said sure, just text me when you are done.

He said ok.

I know I am sick

[juju2]

Its possible.

He just apologized to me for always being on me for our house being dirty.

He needed to come over to our house and get some of his things, I texted, "sure, will leave the house open, pls text me when you leave.
And please ignore the mess"

That's when he texted he was truly sorry for how he was w me regarding our house.  He said he can't keep his house clean, so it can't be me  (!)

Wow miracles are possible family!

[Panda39]

Something to think about... .what are you getting out of keeping all of his stuff? Do you want to keep your attachment to him?  Because that is what this is doing. But what kind of attachment is it?  Is it good for you?  Is it the kind of relationship you want and that you deserve?  Because you are part of the relationship too and you deserve to cared for and treated well.  Is that happening?  You love him but is he being loving to you?  What are your relationship deal brakers (or boundaries)?

You say you are in a 6 months cooling off period and he says that he is in another relationship, I find this confusing, I assume you do too... .and painful... .I'm sorry   I hear the pain, the struggle and the exhaustion of working through this.

Personally, if it was me, I'd give him one month to move all his things. Whether his house is too small or he doesn't have money, is not your responsibility. It's his and you don't need to keep doing that for him.

I agree, box up his stuff, give him a deadline to pick it up.  Clear it out and give yourself a fresh start.

Panda39

[juju2]

Hi,

I really don't think it is my job to box it up (his stuff), there is one whole bedroom filled to the ceiling, it's just too much, I think both of us don't know what to do.

Thing is, he had this stuff the whole time we were living together.  Its our problem.

Maybe I could box up one box a week or something, a lot of the stuff is camping gear.

I don't know what I am getting out of it.

The cooling off is from divorce remedy book, they call it doing a 180.  I didnt want to refer to it like that... .its best if you just do the 180.  You never tell them you are doing a 180.

Him and i had talked about a cooling off period, so i used thst term... .

because in my eyes, the coffee meetings and counseling were just to make it easier for him to say he tried everything.  He started saying he would have to keep the coffee meeting short, that was 3 wks of that, we only see eachother for about an hour and a half as it is, each week.

So I got the message.  He was slowly cutting me out of his life altogether... .

According to the divorce busters book,  it's called divorce remedy, the 2nd book by same author, when one partner is already out of the r/s, the last resort is the 180.  The book says it can and does work, it works often enough that "it's worth a shot"

It's about doing the opposite of what you were doing... .its about seeing if they will miss you... .having them notice, wow, you changed!

didn't think NC was what I should do.  that was going to create drama. So he can call or text.
(my boundary is, I won't be initiating a call or a text)

All i really am doing is what he is already starting, ie, starting to see me less and less.  

Am not sure if anything will work, it's my last resort, because part of the 180 is i get on w my life.  I'm getting a life