Experience, strength around SO BPD in another r/s, and wants contact w me too,

[juju2]

Hi family

Wanted to hear if anyone has specific experience/strength/hope around s.o. BPD
who is in another r/s and is giving me mixed signals.
 We lived together 10yrs, separated march 2017,
last week he said he was in another r/s.
Prior to that we were working on our r/s, meeting up for coffee, going to couples counseling.
After he told me he was in another r/s, (I asked him) I stopped the coffee and counseling, because he said we could maybe work out if new r/s doesnt make it.?

Since then, Friday, I texted him that after processing what he said, that i would be in a cooling off period, wouldn't be seeing him, and he can call or text.

Since Friday, he has called or texted me every day.
We are both in the same dept at community college and both in an art show, so he was talking to me about that, and if he could come over and get tools from our house... .etc.  He works part time and i work full time, I am 57, he is 60. Prior to us, he said his longest r/s was 5 years.

Last nite i got 2 emails from him, about did I find my phone.  Misplaced my phone monday nite.

Long story short, has anyone worked out, r/s healed, back together, when separated and he is in another r/s  (not living w them, he lives alone)
He is untreated dxBPD.  15 yrs. 

Now he says he doesnt have BPD, just ptsd, has new psychiatrist.  He is high functioning BPD.

Our T said has BPD, she has experience w it.
This was after two sessions w us, in January.

I want this r/s to work  I love and adore him, I never took his BPD seriously when we lived together, and so I was making it worse.  Since I found you guys, I have tools, I stopped making our interactions worse.

Thank you,

juju

[heartandwhole]

Hi juju2,

This is a tough situation to be in. I can really understand wanting to be with him and make the relationship work, but also needing to distance yourself, as he is in another relationship.

It sounds like he wants you to wait for him, in case this other relationship doesn't work out, and then start counseling with him again, with the aim of reconciling. Do I have that right?

Do you know if the other relationship is serious?

heartandwhole

[juju2]

I don't know if it's serious.

Thank you for response.

It's interesting to me, since I broke contact, except phone, text and email, he has been contacting me every... .

So I made that mean it is a good thing.

Thank you, juju

[heartandwhole]

Hi juju,

It doesn’t surprise me that since you’ve backed off he seems more interested in maintaining contact with you. He might feel anxious about losing you. Or maybe he’s realizing that he wants to be connected to you more than he thought.

I think this is a good thing, too. As long as you are taking a timeout for you, and stay focused on yourself. You are doing it because your values dictate it, not because you are trying to lure him back by withdrawing your affection.

So, coffee and counseling are off the table until _________

how would you finish that sentence, juju?

We’re here for you. 

heartandwhole

[Tattered Heart]

How are you doing with limited contact? Has it been hard to not respond quickly to him?

I like heartandwhole's suggestion of determining what you want before you begin seeking face to face contact.

[juju2]

Hi family,

I don't know until when.

All i know is he has to be the initiator.

That is going to be my boundary in any dating, with him or someone else.  Since I have read the other r/s books, have seen how women who chase aren't valued from the start. 

I want to be valued, respected, and cared about.  That is my boundary.

bless you all

juju