I was suicidal when I got here. I love him

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So you may know my story.  

Ten yr lived together, he is dx BPD, untreated, says his 12 step program is his tx.he has 19 yrs in 12 step.
We are separated 13 months.

We saw eachother weekends, trips up until 6 months ago. That is when he told me he was dating, nothing serious.  He said he saw us getting back together, "at some point".
This was days after he and i just bought a 44k brand new truck for him!  I was that messed up!

I took the truck back from him, tried to return it, dealer would not take it back.  I drive the truck.

He told a mutual friend, who told me, that he thinks I am relapsed codependency.  I looked it up, and i had 25 of the 27 symptoms.  The last year, I gave up problem gambling, have been working on co d.
I am on Step 11.  I do think I was relapsed co d.

I knew about his BPD, and i was making it worse, I never learned about it until october. I learn so much here.

He and i meet for 90 mins exactly, coffee once a week.

He told me he just wants to be friends, that came up in couples counseling(4 months of that, we took turns paying, nov-feb 2018.)

The T told us( she has exp w BPD)that we need to only see eachother on neutral ground, for coffee, and see what happens... .so that is what we are doing... .

We went on a recovery weekend in Dec, we bought the tickets in January last yr, we were still together.

Also, we had sexual dysfunction, he could not climax w me, after 35-45 min, and i couldnt keep going.  I was out of shape, gained a lot of weight during our time, I gained 80 lbs during the time.

Since oct, lost 50lbs, am taking classes at comm college after work, art and weight training.  Have 30 more to go.  He always says how good I look  he enjoys seeing me!

I get mixed msgs. If i had someone I was spending weekends with, I would not be seeing him... .and I don't know, because i am not seeing anyone.

Also, I am drinking when I do get home, that's new.

I don't feel it's an addiction, I don't drink at work.

I went to my psychic, have known her 15 yrs, she had previously described him to a T.  She is for real.

She said he isn't in love w the o.w. , he is infatuated.  She said that r/s won't last... .?
She says we will get back together next year, when his lease is up... .

That is my life.  You wonderful people have literally saved my life.  I was suicidal when I got here.  I love him.

[juju2]

So you may know my story.  

Ten yr lived together, he is dx BPD, untreated, says his 12 step program is his tx.he has 19 yrs in 12 step.
We are separated 13 months.

We saw eachother weekends, trips up until 6 months ago. That is when he told me he was dating, nothing serious.  He said he saw us getting back together, "at some point".
This was days after he and i just bought a 44k brand new truck for him!  I was that messed up!

I took the truck back from him, tried to return it, dealer would not take it back.  I drive the truck.

He told a mutual friend, who told me, that he thinks I am relapsed codependency.  I looked it up, and i had 25 of the 27 symptoms.  The last year, I gave up problem gambling, have been working on co d.
I am on Step 11.  I do think I was relapsed co d.

I knew about his BPD, and i was making it worse, I never learned about it until october. I learn so much here.

He and i meet for 90 mins exactly, coffee once a week.

He told me he just wants to be friends, that came up in couples counseling(4 months of that, we took turns paying, nov-feb 2018.)

The T told us( she has exp w BPD)that we need to only see eachother on neutral ground, for coffee, and see what happens... .so that is what we are doing... .

We went on a recovery weekend in Dec, we bought the tickets in January last yr, we were still together.

Also, we had sexual dysfunction, he could not climax w me, after 35-45 min, and i couldnt keep going.  I was out of shape, gained a lot of weight during our time, I gained 80 lbs during the time.

Since oct, lost 50lbs, am taking classes at comm college after work, art and weight training.  Have 30 more to go.  He always says how good I look  he enjoys seeing me!

I get mixed msgs. If i had someone I was spending weekends with, I would not be seeing him... .and I don't know, because i am not seeing anyone.

Also, I am drinking when I do get home, that's new.

I don't feel it's an addiction, I don't drink at work.

I went to my psychic, have known her 15 yrs, she had previously described him to a T.  She is for real.

She said he isn't in love w the o.w. , he is infatuated.  She said that r/s won't last... .?
She says we will get back together next year, when his lease is up... .

That is my life.  You wonderful people have literally saved my life.  I was suicidal when I got here.  I love him.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi juju2,

It takes courage to reach out when and ask for help, so you played a major part in saving your own life.  Never forget that.    

He said he saw us getting back together, "at some point".

He told me he just wants to be friends, that came up in couples counseling(4 months of that, we took turns paying, nov-feb 2018.)

So, 6 months ago he thought you'd get back together at some point and as recently as Feb he said just friends, or earlier?  If he was willing to go to counselling with you, then that's really positive.  How did the sessions go and during that time was he still dating?  It's also really positive that he is meeting you weekly for the coffee as advised by the counsellor.  How do you feel when you leave afterwards?

I knew about his BPD, and i was making it worse, I never learned about it until october. I learn so much here.

In what ways do you feel you made things worse juju?  I'm interested to know how different your interactions are with the tools you've learned.  What seems to be effective for you when you meet for coffee?

Since oct, lost 50lbs, am taking classes at comm college after work, art and weight training.  Have 30 more to go.  He always says how good I look  he enjoys seeing me!

Good going!  Self care is so important and it just goes to show that it pays.  When you are in a good place in yourself, you are more likely to pique his interest.  Keep doing what you're doing with the classes.  Invest in yourself and it's a win win however things go between you in the future. 

Love and light x 

[juju2]

Thanks H.

It was at counseling, the 2nd visit, end of nov.
He said he wanted to be friends.  Then the next week, he asked me to go to the recovery weekend w him, he had made the resers.  I thought for sure the weekend was out, same room, same bed.

The counseling was ok, she got us to see we had no foundation to solve problems, we skipped over friendship phase, when we got together.  It was love bombing, he pretty much moved in w me after two weeks, when we met... .of course I know now that is a red flag.

I made BPD situation worse by getting sucked in to arguments, jade-ing, not getting he was a black hole, w everything I did for him, not taking self care, not keeping my own friends, my own interests, it was textbook all the things i did wrong.
Since he flirted a lot, and did inappropriate things w other women, I came to believe he was having affairs.  (He wasnt)He even would drive recklessly... .He is BPD.  And I never thought to learn about it, because he was high functioning, most of the time... .It's only now I see all the things i did wrong.most of the time, when things were good, I just thought I was imagining everything, I thought it was me somehow... .

It's o.k. 

The support here is off the charts, and wonderful.




 

[juju2]

Hi family,

He called tonite.

Usually I don't get a call or texts on the weekend.

It was a nice conversation, he apologized again for complaining about our house all those years.  He says his house is a mess... .it can't be my fault.

I wanted to validate what he was saying, I said, yes it is hard to keep a nice house.

He said it was nice talking to me... .

I feel like he is reaching out to me, in a gradually bigger way... .tiny steps... .

Thank you all,  j

[Harley Quinn]

Nice work validating juju!  Yes that does sound like progress if he's beginning to contact you more than normal.  How did the conversation end?  Anything said about when you next speak?  I'm guessing that would normally be on the weekend for coffee.

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

I meant to ask how the recovery weekend went.  What did it involve?

Love and light x

[juju2]

Thank you H

It was a weekend we always went to, it was my Christmas gift to him.

Thete are speakers from all over the country, 1000 people attend.  It was good, except I forgot my meds, that was too bad.  I felt out of control, saying too much.  Oh well.  Que sera.

That is when I learned from our mutual friend that my s.o. believed I had a codependency relapse, which i truly did, 2016-early 2017.  I will have one yr clean for gambling, April 30; I am on 11th step, meet w my sponsor every week.  I took on leadership role in my home group, al anon, go to 3 assemblies out of town... .

So my life is happening, expanding, at that is one of the promises of doing the 12 steps!

I feel like my Higher Power will get me thru, over, or around.

Blessings,  j