When my daughter chooses me my W's reaction is to detach

[Helper85]

So my wife had a major depressive episode requiring hospitalization a couple of months ago. Up to that point, we knew that she struggled with depression and anxiety. Through the help of the clinical psychologist and psychiatrists at the hospital, she was diagnosed with BPD. I read about BPD and she doesn't fit the traits of the BP that acts aggressively and is hostile (not until she is deeply hurt by someone). Most of the time her BP traits are focused inward and she continually thinks to herself that she is worthless, imperfect, unlovable, etc. (I know because thankfully she and I can usually talk well with one another).
I have the following issue, however: We have a daughter who is 2 and 1/2 and she has always been kind of "daddy's girl." This hurts my wife a lot, and I understand why it would. I worry about the relationship that my wife and my daughter have because I've seen how my wife's mom has hurt her and contributed to so many of the negative labels that my wife thinks about herself. The main this that my mother-in-law does is withholding love when you do something she doesn't agree with. (We've gone no-contact with her on the advice of a counselor after breaking ties with my wife's sister who is a DEFINITE narcissist). My worry is that when my daughter hurts my wife by preferring or choosing me my wife's reaction is to detach as a way to guard herself against hurt (understandable, but I don't think it is an ok reaction). I don't want to see my wife become like her mom: detaching and withdrawing love when my daughter hurts her feelings. Who do I do? Is this common? How have any of you dealt with it?

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[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Helper85, 

I'm glad you shared some of the story about your W and also about her mom and how she acts towards your W. I can relate because my mom was uBPD, and I have many similar traits to my mom, but they're because of what I learned about myself from her and her projections onto me. I'm sure your W also struggles with her own issues (as you mentioned) regarding her self worth. Is your W in T?

 It is tough to not perceieve that your child is rejecting you when she prefers one parent over another. In a healthy family I think this is something normal that takes place. As we grow and mature and learn to see our value based on who we are, not as how we are seen to be, then it becomes easier to handle situations where we thought we were rejected. It's a journey of healing though to get there. What have her doctors recommended for future treatment?

Thank you for wanting to help her.

 
Wools

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Helper85,

I'm sorry that you and your daughter are going through difficulties in your H. I can see how someone with BPD would see choosing the other parent as a form of rejection.

Is your W aware that she does this? What does it look like when she detaches?

[Serenitywithin]

I am dealing with the same thing! Except My son is the golden Child and gets special treatment and is defended when he should be disciplined. My oldest two daughters get the brunt of my wifes BPD reaction and get their feelings hurt alot. We are in Marriage Counseling and I have the kids in for Counseling(just starting)... My 12 year old thinks her mom hates her because she does not speak to her much and the middle one was feeling this way...

She does not only when the kids want to go somewhere or do something with me instead of staying home with her, but everytime they ask to stay at their Grandparents house(which they are very close to). She also does it when the 12 year old asks to stay at a friends or anywhere else for that matter. She think The oldest daughter does not want to be around her, which is becoming more and more true the longer this behavior continues.

I confronted the wife about these behaviors and giving the kids silent treatment and she sees that there are issues which is why she agreed to let the kids go to counseling, but she cant tie back to her action being what caused the issues.

Our Counselor has told me that we need to make the wife aware she is struggling with BPD, and i said I think it is a minor case but after talking to me and the kids independently, she siad it is more severe than I care to admit.

After a few years of this my 12 year old has low self esteem and this year went from being A-B student to having several Failed grades! She also thinks everyone hates her including the other adults at her school and she trusts no one except me and my mom and her grandma... .

So I can relate and I can also tell you that it is not OK and I have just started realizing it is impacting my kids more than I thought it had. I was always thinking I was protecting them from this side of her but when I am gone or away it is apparently being taken out on them. I would emplore you to ensure that you do not let it go on too long or your children may end up with issues from feeling unloved by one of the most important people they should be bonding with.


I feel for you and I encourage you to speak to your T if you have one about this behavior and a plan to try to end the behavior.

I know this site has a ton of tools for us nons and they are starting to work for me , but I do not know how you teach these tools to a child who is just developing like normal and too young to understand any of what is going on... .  I am glad you are noticing this now and not in 10 years after three more children like myself. I wish you all the luck in the world.