What should I be asking the judge for?

[Mr. Dad]

Hello group,
So, here is my situation. I had a baby with a woman who exhibits many signs that she has BPD several years ago. We've had a challenging, but relativity calm co-parenting relationship, but I recently got married and had another child, which has led to establish some firmer boundaries with my ex. This prompted her to file a bogus Domestic Violence Restraining Order against me, for a bunch of made up allegations of rape, murder, and a decade physical and verbal abuse. I of course didn't do any of what she claims and her lies are so over the top and there isn't a shred of evidence to support of any of it, so the court seems to see it is all a bunch of lies. PHEW!
Fighting the DVRO has been an incredibly expensive and disruptive ordeal, but I am hoping to get all the help that I can from the courts in the aftermath, which is why I am writing to this group.
One thing I have asked for in my written response to her request for the DVRO is psychological testing for her (and I volunteered to undergo the same testing).
My greatest concern is for my daughter who has been showing physical symptoms of the stress of living with her mother (mostly digestive system issues). My goal is give my daughter the best life I can, weather that's protecting her from her mother, or forcing her mother to get the help she needs to be a functional parent (she's tried lots of voluntary therapy and medication that has clearly not been enough).

Is there a particular type of psychological testing I should be asking for?
Or should be asking for some kind of mandatory therapy?

I am asking for 65% physical custody, but I fear without a diagnosis or hard evidence her mother is causing her physical harm, the judge isn't likely to stray from 50/50 custody.
Unless the judge grants me a huge fee award I will have very little resources to pursue legal action once this case is settled.

My ex comes from a wealthy family, is ivy league educated, and makes a lot of money. I am kind of a starving artist, living in an expensive city, and trying to be as strategic as I can to do right by these kids I'm raising.

Any suggestions are most welcome.

[livednlearned]

Hi Mr. Dad,

Welcome and hello I'm sorry you're going through this, and glad you found the site.

Is there a particular type of psychological testing I should be asking for?
Or should be asking for some kind of mandatory therapy?

In the U.S., the most common psychological evaluation in custody cases is the MMPI-2, which is used to assess parenting ability, and is designed to detect psychopathology, among other things. You would then need an expert to make a custodial recommendation based on the results. It can cost roughly $5,000 depending on where you live, although I was able to get a psychiatric evaluation done on my ex without doing a full custody eval. However, my ex had a psychotic episode and sort of brought things on himself.

I am asking for 65% physical custody, but I fear without a diagnosis or hard evidence her mother is causing her physical harm, the judge isn't likely to stray from 50/50 custody.

Sometimes what works best is to recommend therapy for your child, more so than therapy for your ex. I found my ex resisted therapy for our son because it was threatening, and/or because I suggested it    Courts love therapy, so ex's resistance raised flags. That, combined with other factors, helped to swing things my way.

Another possibility is to get a third-party professional involved, to shine light on the situation. For example, you could ask the court for coparenting counseling, or, if you live in a state that has parenting coordinators, that's another possibility. Then you research the heck out of who the best ones are in your county, suggest the top three, and let her pick one.

Then you document her inability to comply, if it comes to that. Or, if she complies, you let the professional gather evidence to make recommendations.

Forcing your ex to participate in therapy is more of a legal strategy, but it's probably not that effective unless you have some other things working for you.

In my case, my ex was ordered to participate in anger management classes, substance abuse treatment, and parenting classes. His custodial time was contingent on doing those three things within a deadline, which he failed to do. Meaning, we found a bit of leverage and pressed hard on problem solving, something the courts love, while knowing that a person suffering from BPD/NPD would not be able to do.

The expense of all this is awful

[ForeverDad]

LnL's reply is excellent.  As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.  Focusing on making her get therapy is unlikely to work unless she really wants to change and get better.  With the intense Denial that acting-out disordered people have, that is one huge task.

My divorce took some 2 years.  Afterward I kept going back to court for another 6 years until the order finally was modified enough to work.  Guess what?  It was only the last time in court that our court's decision included mention that Ex should have counseling however it did not order it.  She would benefit from DBT or CBT but to my knowledge she has never attended counseling or therapy sessions.

So what to do?  Focus on what you yourself can do to improve your knowledge, your communication skills and your boundaries.  Read Henry Cloud's Boundaries.  Trying to make her observe boundaries will backfire, she will fight them.  So what you do is set boundaries for yourself.  How would that work?  Rather than telling her ":)o this or don't do that" which she would almost surely oppose or ignore, instead your boundary should be something like, for example, "If you do ___ or don't do ___ then I will do ___."  See?  You can't make her do or not do anything but you can tell her your boundary and what YOU will do if she breaks it.

Meanwhile document incidents and her poor behaviors in a journal, diary or log.  If needed in court the details and specifics recorded will make your statements more credible than vague/general "he always... ." or "she always... ." that are easier for a judge to ignore or consider as hearsay.

Also read the excellent SPLITTING by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.

If you do get equal time (or better) then quite possibly you will get child support.  But understand that historically courts have defaulted to mothers walking out with the children.  Don't assume she will look bad to the court because of her recent allegations and you will waltz out with majority time.  In my case my court ignored her poor behaviors and didn't credit me with my good behaviors.  Like many other fathers, I had an uphill struggle.

[Mr. Dad]

Thank you both so much. These are very helpful insights.

[ForeverDad]

One thing I have asked for in my written response to her request for the DVRO is psychological testing for her (and I volunteered to undergo the same testing).

It is hard to ask for the other parent to be evaluated without a judge trying to be fair and deciding to have both parents submit to the testing.  However, often we are facing allegations and the default is for the court to only test or evaluate the accused, not the accuser.  That's tough.  That's why we don't volunteer for testing, whether for psychological purposes, drugs or some other issue, unless both parents are so ordered.

One concern is that psychological evaluations have limited impact.  Why?  They may indicate some level of disordered thinking or perceptions but often the results don't tell the court how parenting is impacted.  For example, a person may be reported to the court as an alcoholic but how severe is it?  Is the person a dry alcoholic who hasn't gotten drunk for months or years?  Or is the person someone who may get drunk but not while parenting the children?  Or is the person someone who gets drunk, threatens the kids, drives intoxicated (DUI) with the kids in the car, etc?  Courts won't care much about the first two, only the third example.  See the point?  What matters is how the children, parenting and co-parenting are impacted.  Same with the psychological issues, court will mostly ignore the minor misbehaviors and care about, maybe, the more serious ones.

If you don't have a good temp order now and get positive action on your current case in court, then you may need to ask for a Custody Evaluation as it is known in most areas.  It is an in-depth review of the parenting issues that can take time and money.  It will go deeper than a parent's issues, it will make a recommendation to court on custody and parenting decisions.  Most hearings are a half hour in length and each time deal with only a few of the major issues brought up.  The courts really won't have enough grasp of who the parents really are without other professional providing reports to the court.  But if you are able to select an experienced evaluator with a solid reputation in court, he or she will be worth his/her weight in gold, so to speak.

[ForeverDad]

What is the current parenting schedule?  Generally the parent with the most parenting time is also considered the Primary Parent.  The PP often gets child support, depending on time percentage, respective incomes and maybe other factors.  The PP's residence generally determined where the children attend school, even if the PP moves frequently.  If the court orders equal time then it's up to the judge to determine PP.

Whatever your outcome, what you want is to emphasize your stability and ability to cooperate in parenting.  (Note:  'Cooperate' excludes appeasing or acquiescing, those are self-defeating strategies.)  Custody issues usually are the bigger ones, not the day-to-day matters.  Doctor and medical decisions, religious training, etc.  If there are impasses on such big decisions then what happens?  Does it go to a Parenting Coordinator, mediation or court itself?  That can be expensive and lengthy to resolve.  So try to demonstrate you are the more stable parent and thereby get some form of Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  (In practice that is close to full custody but just not in name.  One reason it is so hard to get full custody is that court doesn't want the other parent to feel shut out.)  That way if the other parent doesn't agree you can proceed after notification, it's up to the other parent to pursue objection with the responsible authority.  Of course, be sure your decisions are defensible and make sense to the professionals even if the ex doesn't think so.