I am happier alone

[AskingWhy]

uBPD/uNPD H left for a week-long business conference and I have the house to myself.

It's liberating!  I don't feel the need to "report" to H at the end of the day and demonstrate how much I "accomplished" for him.  I can watch a TV show or movie, work in the garden, do my business research--anything I please.

In another post I discussed how H sees me as his "employee," someone he can dictate to, control and show approval and disapproval. He shows disapproval with punishment, usually by leaving the house for hours, or by sleeping on the couch and other forms of withholding affection.

I find like being by myself.  It's quiet, and I don't feel the eyes of rage behind my back.  My stress level has gone down--no more "eggshells" to walk on!

Once he arrives at the conference hotel, he will call me when he checks in, but will not call often due to the "splitting" of BPDs--"out of sight, out of mind." 

I really don't worry any longer about his calling. I don't care, really.  I said before on another thread that the marriage is dying by degrees and, surely, it's happening.  BPD H has really destroyed anything I ever felt for him.  His enmeshment with his adult children has done this to a great degree.  When I am in a room with him and one of his children, I don't exist to him.  Again, this is the object permanence issues.  I can't relate to both me and his children at the same time.  It's like I am not even in the room. 

I am enjoying my solace, and H won't return until the conference ends.  I wish I could stay, "Why can't you stay another week and just relax?"  (The conference is being held at a resort.)

[Turkish]

Though I mourned my family broken, I felt similarly liberated.  I could relax.

What are your thoughts moving forward?

[AskingWhy]

Though I mourned my family broken, I felt similarly liberated.  I could relax.

What are your thoughts moving forward?

Turkish, thank you for the reply.

H has threatened divorce countless times for the last 10 years of our 20 year marriage.  This happens when he dysregulates and rages, and the threats last from several hours to a few days, then it's back to normal again.  In these threats, he usually sleeps on the couch to show his disapproval of me and to punish me (withholding affection), then returns to sleep in our bed without saying a word having cooled off.

In the past, I was devastated when he threatened divorce, and now it's tiresome.   Maybe they are empty words but, either way, I am ready if he files and has me served.  I feel strong enough now not to be codependent, and my worth is no longer dictated by his approval of me.

The solitude has given me space to think, and I don't need H hovering over me controlling me and dictating how I live my life.  H is a professional with vastly more money than me and yet he demands that we split the finances.  He clearly does not see just how much of my money I spend on joint needs like groceries, sundries, toiletries and items for the pets and grandchildren.  In true "object permanence blindness," he can only see what he is spending on one particular day, forgetting I paid for the plumbers to repair a bathroom fixture, or paid for the home computer upgrade and networking.  He totally, utterly forgot these things.  He feels unfairly "used" by me and has told his adult children as much.  (They are his confidants and he is enmeshed with them.)  The other day, one of his children sounded off on how I "abuse" their father.  Triangulating is so much of how BPDs work.  (The child in question is most likely BPD with a history of unstable relationships, substance abuse, alcoholism, several car accidents, and suicide attempts.)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0

Again, I am ready if he files.

[mama-wolf]

Hi AskingWhy,

I’m happy for you that you have gotten some time alone and that you have found it so enjoyable!  My T has encouraged me to get away (“take a break”) from my situation for just this reason.  It is pretty amazing how different the environment is without our pwBPD around (and without the prospect that they’ll be home soon).

H has threatened divorce countless times for the last 10 years of our 20 year marriage.  

... .In the past, I was devastated when he threatened divorce, and now it's tiresome.   Maybe they are empty words but, either way, I am ready if he files and has me served.  I feel strong enough now not to be codependent, and my worth is no longer dictated by his approval of me.

... .Again, I am ready if he files.

Given what you have discovered with him being away and that freedom you feel, I am curious whether you have considered  taking the initiative and filing yourself?  I ask because it sounds like you have identified that you would be happier out of the marriage, but you are relying on him to decide if and when you might be able to make that happiness stick.

mw

[AskingWhy]

Hi AskingWhy,

I’m happy for you that you have gotten some time alone and that you have found it so enjoyable!  My T has encouraged me to get away (“take a break”) from my situation for just this reason.  It is pretty amazing how different the environment is without our pwBPD around (and without the prospect that they’ll be home soon).

Given what you have discovered with him being away and that freedom you feel, I am curious whether you have considered  taking the initiative and filing yourself?  I ask because it sounds like you have identified that you would be happier out of the marriage, but you are relying on him to decide if and when you might be able to make that happiness stick.

mw

MW, I have consulted with several attorneys and know my rights.  I am a partner in a business that is restructuring and it's taking a very long time.  Once it's over, I will be in a better position to rethink filing. 

I agree that we can think more clearly when the pwBPD is away.  I have a really hard time now dealing with H's splitting, but now I know how to handle it.

[toomanydogs]

Hi AskingWhy,
  My STBX filed for divorce the end of August. Initially, I was devastated, and I admit it's been pretty rocky until just recently; however, I'm with you. I am much happier alone.
  My STBX also treated me as an employee (in my opinion) as did his father. And, actually, I looked at myself more as an employee. There was such a huge disparity in financial worth--for every dollar I had, he had probably 1000 times that.
  Now that he's gone, I no longer have that anxiety in the pit of my stomach, that he's going to barge into whatever room I'm in (he once wouldn't stop talking to me when I needed to use the toilet. I finally had to tell him, truthfully that I had diarrhea, and please could we resume the discussion later?)
  When we were sleeping together (he stopped sleeping with me years ago), he didn't like it if I slept with my back to him. He didn't like it if I tossed and turned trying to get to sleep. He slept crosswise on the bed, so I had no room, and that was a king size bed, and I'm under 5 feet. He also chewed tobacco and would fall asleep with it in his mouth, which resulted in tobacco on the sheets. My very first boundary: "You want me sleep in the same bed, STBX, I need you to spit the tobacco out of your mouth before you fall asleep."
  I didn't mean to co-opt your thread here, I'm just realizing day-after-day how calmer and happier I am with him out of my life.
  Now onto settlement,
TMD

[Red5]

... .H left for a week-long business conference and I have the house to myself.

It's liberating! 

I don't feel the need to "report" to H at the end of the day and demonstrate how much I "accomplished" for him. 

I can watch a TV show or movie, work in the garden, do my business research--anything I please.

I find I like being by myself.  It's quiet, and I don't feel the eyes of rage behind my back.  My stress level has gone down--no more "eggshells" to walk on!

I am enjoying my solace, and H won't return until the conference ends.  I wish I could say, "Why can't you stay another week and just relax?"  (The conference is being held at a resort.)

Good Afternoon AskingWhy,

Ah yes!, .and me2!

I can certainly relate to your much deserved respite period, so enjoy it!

Get some rest, do your own thing, .the peace and quite sounds very nice, .and very relaxing.

I have written here before, .seems when our pw/BPD, or else pw/npd leaves for a few days, .for me its a period of "thank God"... .a little time to myself, without all the "b" and the "s" for a while.

I (myself) seem to flourish a little, I actually become a completely different person for a while, .I get creative, I hobby, I do some "heavy lifting" as I am now "unsupervised"... .my S31 special needs and I very quickly settle into a period of peace and tranquility, there is quiet about the decks so to speak, things seem to run so much smoother... .yes, I do very much need one of these periods of "off duty" time myself; yes, .very much I do.

No fussing, no fighting, do deadlines, no pressure, no "crated drama"... .I can let my guard down, I can feel relaxed and be my true self for a little while.

I am envious !, .enjoy it !

Crazy to even say that isn't it !

But its the truth,

Red5