Asked my 20 year old BPD D to leave...

[Parents! Get help here!]

It has been a tough couple of weeks. My 80 year old diabetic dad stepped on a nail and had to have part of his leg amputated. So I have been back and forth to the hospital dealing with my 77 year old osteoarthritic mother. They still lived independently in a 5 floor walk up and I have to change their living situation as soon as he is out of the hospital in a few months.

My D has been useless. She refused to go to the hospital because she said she could not see her grandfather in that condition. However she was at her BF's bedside in the hospital a few weeks ago when he had severe diarrhea. During this time I have had family members come down to visit with my dad. My D made it her business to stay out of my home. Then last Sunday she calls me from an unknown number asking me to pick her up.

When I do it obvious that she has been beaten and her phone is smashed. I asked that we go to the police and she refused. She was concerned about her phone and we took it to a cell doc who replaced the glass for $150 however there were other issues that needed to be fixed. She asked to borrow the money and I agreed as she would have gotten paid that Friday. She also said she was done with the relationship. This abusive person not only hit her but she caught him hanging out with another girl and according to her she was embarrassed and humiliated. I tried talking to her. Reminding her how beautiful she was and how she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. For a moment I thought I would be getting my D back on track and she would be fixing her life and going back into therapy.

So while I was back and forth visiting with my Dad at the hospital and tending to my mom's needs I found out she had been lying to me. Behind my back she was using my extra phone I had lent her while hers was being fixed to call him. Then I came home late one night and the at I allow her to drive wasn't there. I tracked her and she was with the BF. I was livid and drove to where he lived.

I saw the car pulled over and went behind them, got out of my car and confronted them both. He started screaming and yelling at me totally disrespecting me. Then blurted out that my D was pregnant. I told him that I couldn't believe that was true. That any woman who is pregnant would want to protect her baby and why would she be with someone who would hurt her and possibly end her pregnancy. He claimed he had money and that he could support her, however I mentioned in the year they have been together he has done nothing but have her living under his mother's skirt. And if he is so wealthy why is it that he is sitting in my car. So I told him to get out it. He proceeded to call his mother so she could come downstairs.

I asked him if he was threatening me. He was screaming got me to get off of his block. I told him it was a free country and I can drive wherever I wanted to. I was starting to dial 911 when my daughter snatched my earpiece out of my ear so that I couldn't call the police. I became very upset and realized that if he wanted to cause me harm she was ok with that. She told him if you hurt my mom you know what's going to happen. But she ran off to the car and drove away leaving me there with him screaming and yelling. I saw his mother coming out of the building with at least 4 other people and I decided to get in my car and leave as this is project building in the not best area.

I drove home and when my D got there she asked me why was I there. I told her because I am tired of being lied to. That I am trying to help her but her behavior and lies don't help. I told her I could not see her being abused anymore and that if she was not going to end things with this person that she could not live with me anymore. She claimed she was not pregnant that she didn't know why he would say that. But he definitely suffers from some kind of mental disorder. They both do. She can' see that what he is doing is not ok.

I am not sure if I handled this the right way. But with the stresses of trying to work, going to the hospital and dealing with my elderly parents is too much for me. I want to keep my stress level to a minimum. If she is not going to help me and keep me on the edge all of the time I cant have her here. So she called a cab and left. I told her how disappointed I was and that she will regret her choices.

She called me a day later to ask for favors and I said no. She even mentioned using my car and made no apologies for anything that happened that weekend. I am at my wits end and feel this is the time to completely cut her off. What do you guys think? Am I wrong? I cant take her behavior anymore and I am not sure that I read enough to respond to her in a way that helps. Your advice is appreciated.

[Jnel921]

It has been a tough couple of weeks. My 80 year old diabetic dad stepped on a nail and had to have part of his leg amputated. So I have been back and forth to the hospital dealing with my 77 year old osteoarthritic mother. They still lived independently in a 5 floor walk up and I have to change their living situation as soon as he is out of the hospital in a few months.

My D has been useless. She refused to go to the hospital because she said she could not see her grandfather in that condition. However she was at her BF's bedside in the hospital a few weeks ago when he had severe diarrhea. During this time I have had family members come down to visit with my dad. My D made it her business to stay out of my home. Then last Sunday she calls me from an unknown number asking me to pick her up.

When I do it obvious that she has been beaten and her phone is smashed. I asked that we go to the police and she refused. She was concerned about her phone and we took it to a cell doc who replaced the glass for $150 however there were other issues that needed to be fixed. She asked to borrow the money and I agreed as she would have gotten paid that Friday. She also said she was done with the relationship. This abusive person not only hit her but she caught him hanging out with another girl and according to her she was embarrassed and humiliated. I tried talking to her. Reminding her how beautiful she was and how she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. For a moment I thought I would be getting my D back on track and she would be fixing her life and going back into therapy.

So while I was back and forth visiting with my Dad at the hospital and tending to my mom's needs I found out she had been lying to me. Behind my back she was using my extra phone I had lent her while hers was being fixed to call him. Then I came home late one night and the at I allow her to drive wasn't there. I tracked her and she was with the BF. I was livid and drove to where he lived.

I saw the car pulled over and went behind them, got out of my car and confronted them both. He started screaming and yelling at me totally disrespecting me. Then blurted out that my D was pregnant. I told him that I couldn't believe that was true. That any woman who is pregnant would want to protect her baby and why would she be with someone who would hurt her and possibly end her pregnancy. He claimed he had money and that he could support her, however I mentioned in the year they have been together he has done nothing but have her living under his mother's skirt. And if he is so wealthy why is it that he is sitting in my car. So I told him to get out it. He proceeded to call his mother so she could come downstairs.

I asked him if he was threatening me. He was screaming got me to get off of his block. I told him it was a free country and I can drive wherever I wanted to. I was starting to dial 911 when my daughter snatched my earpiece out of my ear so that I couldn't call the police. I became very upset and realized that if he wanted to cause me harm she was ok with that. She told him if you hurt my mom you know what's going to happen. But she ran off to the car and drove away leaving me there with him screaming and yelling. I saw his mother coming out of the building with at least 4 other people and I decided to get in my car and leave as this is project building in the not best area.

I drove home and when my D got there she asked me why was I there. I told her because I am tired of being lied to. That I am trying to help her but her behavior and lies don't help. I told her I could not see her being abused anymore and that if she was not going to end things with this person that she could not live with me anymore. She claimed she was not pregnant that she didn't know why he would say that. But he definitely suffers from some kind of mental disorder. They both do. She can' see that what he is doing is not ok.

I am not sure if I handled this the right way. But with the stresses of trying to work, going to the hospital and dealing with my elderly parents is too much for me. I want to keep my stress level to a minimum. If she is not going to help me and keep me on the edge all of the time I cant have her here. So she called a cab and left. I told her how disappointed I was and that she will regret her choices.

She called me a day later to ask for favors and I said no. She even mentioned using my car and made no apologies for anything that happened that weekend. I am at my wits end and feel this is the time to completely cut her off. What do you guys think? Am I wrong? I cant take her behavior anymore and I am not sure that I read enough to respond to her in a way that helps. Your advice is appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Jnel921

Welcome to the bpdfamily

I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through, you are being torn in so many different directions and emotionally challenged in range of ways.  It's very difficult to see our parents age and be confronted with health issues for which we are there to support and I hope they are ok.  The timing with your daughter is just awful for you and no doubt you are exhausted.  

You have come to the right place to share your experiences and your feelings.  We are all here to support you in your journey as so many parents here will relate to multiple challenges you're being faced with.

She called me a day later to ask for favors and I said no. She even mentioned using my car and made no apologies for anything that happened that weekend. I am at my wits end and feel this is the time to completely cut her off. What do you guys think? Am I wrong? I cant take her behavior anymore and I am not sure that I read enough to respond to her in a way that helps. Your advice is appreciated.

I commend you in taking a small step to set a boundary about the car.  Well done  I have been coming here for some time and I have been learning the value in being able to take a step back from the drama to re-centre,  look after myself and re-prioritise.  It's about learning to understand when I am being emotionally triggered and actively practicing wise mind to avoid being sucked into the drama.  If you look to the right there is a link to this    It's just one small step in being able to deal with the trauma of BPD.  We love our children and just understanding that BPD is a mental illness, allows us to continue to love them, even when we are angry and are finding it difficult to like them.  It's been difficult for me too in this regard with my DD27.

I hope you have some support for yourself.

Thank you for sharing and we look forward to hearing from you.  Hugs to you

Merlot

[Turkish]

Stopping someone from calling 911 is a felony in California where I am,  but it sounds like you still had your phone and you extricated yourself from an unsafe situation successfully. 

His do you feel about letting your adult daughter realize the natural consequences of her actions?

About the DV, this is typical,  sadly. Very sadly for children in such a home. 

[Jnel921]

Thanks for the kind and supportive words. My dad will have one final (fingers crossed) amputation Tuesday and I am hoping things go well. Its been hard for me and my family. My D has stayed away. I did see her last Sunday before I left to the hospital where she called me and asked me to go by to give me some money she owed me which is a first. She never thinks of paying me back. I saw her and she gave me the money. She asked me how my dad was and she gave me a kiss on the cheek and left. I really didn't hear much from her other than a question here or there asking about my dad.

Yesterday early I did get a call where she told me she needed to be picked up. I asked her why. She said her BF no longer wanted to be with her. It sounded like she was in the same room with him. I told her that I was not going to pick her up only to have him summon her the next day and have her disrespect men and my home. I told her when YOU are done with this relationship perhaps coming home will mean something more. For now she was going to have to figure it out. She got upset and said that she was calling a cousin. I didn't feel bad. I know that I need to create boundaries and she has to learn something.

I know she has mental issues, but so does this guy and they like to fight and treat each other badly and I want mo part of what is going on. Although my life has been overwhelming with the situation with my dad I have to say at home I do feel some peace and less stress without worrying what my D will do next to upset me.

[Jnel921]

I also wanted to add that mother's day and my birthday are coming up. If she requests to see me or wants to spend time is it healthy to say yes? Should I entertain that or should I shut down.

[Turkish]

Congrats on your boundary. Going back to am abusive relationship is unfortunately sometimes the norm... .

If she reaches out to you what's the harm in seeing her?

[wendydarling]

Hi jnel951  

I'm so sorry about your dad  , such a traumatic life changing time, I went through similar with a young colleague, all limbs. I hope Tuesday goes well, my thoughts are with you, it's a journey and I found love brings us through. How's your dad and you coping? Are you happy with the support from services you're all receiving?

You've been clear for your DD to return home, to your peaceful home, respect for all who live there     What plans do you have for your birthday and mothers day with your loved ones, many here find letting them know well in advance what happening can help them prepare, be calm, or not turn up, their choice. Does your DD find family occasions difficult?

Jnel951 you might find it useful to hook up with hyacinth, have a look at her posts, she too had to set the home boundary, still sticking by her DD, lots of learning there   My 29DD craves calm and peace, now, they can choose, we are listening to them.

WDx

[Jnel921]

Thanks Wendydarling... .I just got home from the hospital. My dad seems in good spirits. We are hoping after this surgery he will recover nicely and go to the rehabilitation center within next week and get fitted for a prostheses and hopefully things will look up once he starts PT.

My D did reach out today and invited me to lunch on Mother's day. She asked me to come by where she works and she would treat me. I told her lunch was fine and that I'd have to leave immediately after to be with my own mom.

She also asked to see me on my Birthday which is the 15th and accompany me to the hospital. She said she wanted to give me a gift card so I could purchase a perfume she knows I like. I am not sure how I feel about all of this. This is a different side of her where she is asking to spend some time. But I cant help but feel there is an underlying plan. Also not sure about her going to see my dad this late in the game. He is upset with her too for all that she has put me through. She did mention that she didn't want to see him at his worst, but I really needed the support and felt she wasn't there for me.

You are right, this is very traumatic and very life changing. I am not sure what the future will bring. Just putting it in prayer everyday. Thanks for all of the support here.

So not sure what I will do in the respect.

[wendydarling]

Hi there Jnel951

My D did reach out today and invited me to lunch on Mother's day. She asked me to come by where she works and she would treat me. I told her lunch was fine and that I'd have to leave immediately after to be with my own mom.

She also asked to see me on my Birthday which is the 15th and accompany me to the hospital. She said she wanted to give me a gift card so I could purchase a perfume she knows I like. I am not sure how I feel about all of this. This is a different side of her where she is asking to spend some time. But I cant help but feel there is an underlying plan.

I understand you're not sure how you feel about this, is there an underlying plan... .Conflict is raw and your hurting. I do think you've set out your stall and she's responding favourably, waiving a white flag of surrender perhaps... .Reinforcing their positive behaviours can be hard when we feel angry and hacked off. It does work however.

Also not sure about her going to see my dad this late in the game. He is upset with her too for all that she has put me through. She did mention that she didn't want to see him at his worst, but I really needed the support and felt she wasn't there for me.

How does your Dad feel about a visit? You may prefer it not be on your birthday and have you thought about not being there, let them get on with it, let your DD take on her responsibility towards your Dad, visit under her own steam? My 29DD did make it to see her Poppa (95yrs) in hospital for 3 days after he suffered a massive brain haemorrhage, he never recovered from, all very traumatic and it completely overwhelmed my DD, I do believe it was the final push for her, she overdosed, was hospitalised shortly after ... .then diagnosed BPD. This was in 2015, looking back, knowing what I know now I recognise the dysregulation in her face, her eyes. After 3 days of visiting she said she could not do it anymore.

Sending my very best to your Dad for his operation tomorrow.

Things can get better, hang in here with us.

WDx