Looking for strategies to cope with my BPD mother

[Kay in PA]

Two years ago we moved my mother in with us and our four children.  She is now 74.  We are in the process of building her a large addition attached to our home.  (She is paying... .we're doing a lot of the work.). My only sibling lives in another state and we felt that being closer to us would be helpful as she gets older.  At first, things were going well.  But, as time has passed, we've found ourselves in a difficult situation and, honestly, bewildered at her behavior most of the time.  Perhaps as she's gotten comfortable here she is letting her real self show?  What a relief (?) to find information on BPD and this board! My husband and I are both convinced this is the missing puzzle piece.  Now, what to do?  We are committed to having her live here with us, because she has used her own money to finance the addition, which should be completed this summer.  She will have separate living quarters, but access to us when needed.  She is very stubborn and I don't think she would EVER consent to counseling... .after all, it's everyone else who has a problem, not her. 
Reasons we think she might have BPD... .
- If I'm really honest, I just don't feel connected to her, even though I have close loving relationships with my children and friends.
- She lives in a perpetual state of victimhood, triggered by an episode of childhood abuse and her divorce from my father 33 years ago.
- She is stubborn (which she WILL admit), often digging her heals in over insignificant issues and refusing to discuss or entertain new ideas.
- She brought her pet cat with her, and generally refuses to empty the litter box.  She'll say, "Just tell me when it needs emptied and I'll do it."  But, she took care of the cat at her previous home and no one was there to tell her.
- She is passive about normal, responsible activities, like putting clean clothes away, paying bills, balancing her checkbook.
- she is prone to temper tantrums and outbursts of anger over perceived slights.
- She only bathes 2–3 times a week.  When I ask her if she's getting a bath before bed she says, "I don't stink, do I?"  How do I answer that?
- She seems to be blind to the needs of those around her, especially feelings and emotions.
- She thinks of herself as a highly loving and caring person, and is generally well-liked by others, but is cold and surly here at home.
- She is unable to express genuine thankfulness to us for the hard work we've done for her.  Always focusing on why things aren't getting done faster.
- Unable to see us as fellow humans... .our worth seems to depend on what we're doing for her at any given moment.  No lasting gratitude or thankfulness.  We must continually work/perform.
There's more, but I will stop there. 

I don't have any hope of getting her into counseling.  Even gently bringing up the topic would send her into a tantrum, then sullenness and depression.

We need advice on ways to communicate with her so that we can have peace restored in our home.  The kids are struggling with not wanting to be around her, and I don't blame them.

Thanks.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  You are definitely in the right place to learn about communication and coping strategies in dealing with a pwBPD (person with BPD).  We are a community of people dealing with both diagnosed and undiagnosed relatives with at least traits of BPD so you are in good company.    It is very common here to have a mother who would not ever consider therapy and even the suggestion would cause conflict.  What we do is recommend you focus on changing how you interact with her.  Having boundaries, following certain 'structured' guidelines in how to speak and knowing when to remove yourself from a conversation is vital for self protection and a healthy environment in which to live.

The behaviors you describe are certainly challenging to say the least.  We do offer several tools that can improve communication with your mother and are often successful in preventing an escalation in behavior but they do not work all of the time.  As you share more specifics in terms of what your goals are, we can refer you to specific articles.  I don't want to start throwing a bunch of links at you just yet! 

How old are your children?  What have you told them about your mother's behaviors so far?  Does your mother focus her behaviors on them?  Though just being exposed to the tension and emotional upheaval is bad enough. 

A lot of time, understanding the dysfunctional coping strategies of a pwBPD can go  long way in depersonalizing their behaviors which allows us to focus on choosing how to respond rather than react to their behaviors.

Again, we have a lot of articles on behaviors common to pwBPD.  As you share more of your goals and how you feel when you are interacting with your mother, we can direct you to specific articles that may be helpful.

Please ask any questions and share more details as you feel the need.  We are here to listen and support you.

[Kay in PA]

Harri, thank you!  Our children are sons, 23, 18, 15, and a daughter, 11.  Oldest sons are out of school and working, but living here at home.  Youngest two are homeschooled, so home all day.  They're all fairly emotionally intelligent and have definitely recognized that their grandmother's behavior is not normal.  We have had many discussions about this when she's been away.  My husband has commented on her behavior for years, but, of course, I've made allowances, knowing her past hurts.  Now that she's here with us 24/7, it is more difficult to deal with the emotional upheaval.  Also, I am the person she is most attached to, so when she is home, she needs to be in the same room as I am and knowing what I'm doing.  She questions everything I do.  If I'm out shopping, she worries until I get home.  I am the one she either praises or totally ignores depending on how I respond to her comments.  It's hard to answer her seriously, because, frankly, often her questions border on the ridiculous.  If I show any sign of amusement at her or try to joke with her, she gives me the evil eye... .I read a comment on one of these boards where the poster described a look of pure evil and I understood it immediately.  It is almost the look of a crazed animal.  That is on a bad day.  Good days can be fairly calm, but she is explosive when agitated or confronted.  Over Memorial Day, she was being particularly mean, and I asked her to apologize to me.  Not only did she refuse to apologize, but she packed her bags and drove 1.5 hours to her friend's home and stayed away for 5 days.  Never called to tell us she was OK.  Came back like nothing had happened, and will never acknowledge or simply say, "I'm sorry."  Most of the time she is the quiet, reticent type of BPD, but there is definitely a mean streak there when she feels provoked or confronted.  So, I'm beginning to realize that "Love covers a multitude of sins" is going to become our family mantra.  Personally, I have a lot of anger towards her, because when parents divorced, not only did I lose my dad, but I lost my whole family.  She was simply unable to provide any emotional support for my brother and I, so we floundered along while she tended to herself.  Even 33 years later, she ruminates on her hurts and feels that her victimhood absolves her of any responsibility.  She can do and say as she likes, and we must accommodate.  (And we really MUST, because she's here for the duration of her life... .or until medical needs dictate otherwise.). It is also important to state that we are Christians, and do feel burdened to minister to her.  I'm just afraid that the next 10 years are going to be rough.  I guess I'm afraid that the situation will become more and more uncomfortable, while I try to hold things together for my family.  My husband and I still have years of parenting ahead of us.  I'm already exhausted.  We brought her here to live with us in the hopes that our family life would be an encouragement to her.  But, instead, she has brought upheaval and sadness.  I am weary and disappointed.  I find myself wondering why she just doesn't try harder.  I am fearful that maybe she just CAN'T.  So my coping strategy would be to have no expectations?  Appreciate any help.  So thankful for you all!

[Harri]

We brought her here to live with us in the hopes that our family life would be an encouragement to her.  But, instead, she has brought upheaval and sadness.  I am weary and disappointed.  I find myself wondering why she just doesn't try harder.  I am fearful that maybe she just CAN'T.  So my coping strategy would be to have no expectations?  Appreciate any help.  So thankful for you all!

No, not if you mean accepting her behavior as it is.  Her behavior, causing turmoil and sadness, is not acceptable.  The most loving thing you can do for someone is to let them deal with the consequences of their own behavior.  Establishing boundaries is one way of doing this. 

Often people view boundaries as being harsh but they are not.  They may not be what your mother wants, but she does not get to define you, what you find acceptable and what you allow to go on in your own home and in front of your kids.  Boundaries are built around our values and are about protecting us from harm.  So for example, your value may be we treat people with respect.  Part of your boundary is: we do not rage, scream, name call, etc.  The action you take to enforce your boundary may be to say No, stop talking like that to me.  You need to go to your section of the house until you can speak with respect.  I will not accept the way you are talking to me so I am going to leave and return in 15 minutes, a half hour, etc.  You do not need to tell your mom you have a boundary and she can not yell, etc.  You simply act and speak according to your values thereby enforcing your boundary.  Boundaries are about us and what we value, what we will accept and how we choose to handle situations. 

Here are some articles that you may find helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries This article talks mainly about romantic relationships but can be applied to family member situations.  There is also a green read more button at the bottom... .click it for even more on boundaries.

Communication skills- don't be invalidating  Not sure if this applies to you but I figured it can;'t hurt to read.  Often we invalidate a pwBPD without even realizing it.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)  I included this based on your story about your mother leaving for 5 days without contacting you.  Knowing about FOG can help you with understanding her behaviors but more importantly it can help you recognize your own reactions so you can work on them.

We have many many more articles, but I am going to stop here... .for now.   

PS  A great physical boundary to have when the new addition is finished is a door where the two homes connect... .  or completely separate entrances. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Kay in PA! 

I want to join Harri in saying how glad I am that you've joined us.  It's such a huge help to have a site like this to turn to for ideas and shared thoughts and especially for the understanding that you'll find here. Having a pwBPD in your life is a uniquely difficult experience, and we certainly understand well.

For some reason those with BPD tend to self sooth in negative ways, and they're so sensitive to any perceived rejection of any form. And it truly is perceived, not real in most cases. Kindness is rebuffed and anger comes pouring out when all you ment was kindness. I'm sorry for the struggle you have with your mom. I so remember how it was with my uBPDm too.

Harri posted some great links for you to review. How are you doing in your own personal thoughts of how being raised by her affected you? For example, are you able to process your feelings and identify them?

 
Wools

[Notwendy]

Hi Kay,

Reading about your mother's behaviors- they do sound like  BPD but something stood out to me- her poor hygiene. Is this new behavior? If it is, has she had a good check up? I understand that she would refuse counseling, but I wonder about depression or dementia in a person who does not take care of their own cleanliness. My mother has BPD and can also be volatile and mean, but she is meticulous about her appearance and if that changed, I would wonder if something else is going on.

My mother is also passive about household chores- her laundry, putting things away, and she prefers to be taken care of. But she's a regular at the hair salon and meticulous about personal cleanliness.

I think the communication skills here will help you and also it will likely be better for her to have her own space. Still, you will need some family time to yourself. Has she lived near you for a while or is this a move to a new place? She might be lonely. Are there some senior activities- perhaps in your church or another nearby church, or YMCA, or senior center day programs where she could meet people and do activities? 

You are likely correct that there are aspects to her personality that she can not control. BPD is a disorder that affects the most intimate of relationships the most. She is probably less controlled around you than others.  She may enjoy her own social activities and that would give you some time without her.

[Kay in PA]

Thank you, Harri, Wools, and Notwendy!  So much insight and direction from you all.  I want to give some well-thought responses, but Mom is home today, so I'll respond later this evening or tomorrow when she's at her part-time job.  Blessings to you!

[Harri]

How are things going Kay in PA?  I know you have a lot going on so I do not mean to pressure you.  I've been wondering how things are with you though.

Post when you can or when you feel like it.