He's even worse after our car accident?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Last Saturday my husband and I were in a car accident. I got most of the impact and am off work for several weeks. He was able to go back to work already with some pain. I thought surely something this traumatic would make him change his behaviour for the better but he is actually worse than before. It's like he is mad at me for this (he was driving my car) and upset I am not catering to him like I usually did.

I researched and found a new vehicle as mine is a write off but do you think he will make any time for us to go see it? I can't drive right now so I need someone to take me there and to do the test drive. I am so incredibly disappointed in his behaviour and don't understand why he's frustrated with me when I'm in this condition.

I haven't even been asking him to take me to my physio and other medical appointments because it's always met with the same response about how much I'm inconveniencing him, or he will be late and even more frustrated even if he does agree to do it.

I guess all of this is just confirmation that he truly is incapable, not unwilling, to be more supportive in this relationship.

The accident was very traumatic for me. I've never been in one before and I keep having flashbacks of the moment before impact. I am sad that I still have a long way to go before I am back to normal, if I actually get back to the way I was before. I am trying so hard to not get discouraged and fall into a depression but his behaviour is not helping me at all.

Before this I was planning to get my own place and now all the money I had saved for this needs to go to buy a different vehicle. I feel I should be the one who is upset and yet I have not said anything about him wrecking my car.

How can someone who supposedly loves you treat you this way? Wouldn't the condition the person is in bring out a shred of empathy? It's not like I'm even asking him to wait on me and I'm trying to do as much as I can on my own. I have asked him to take out the garbage since I can't lift it. The house was a mess before the accident and I got in a cleaner which I thought would make him happy since he didn't want to do the cleaning. He never said a word about how nice the place looks and tonight he complained about them and said they messed everything up (?)

I just can't win and now I'm stuck here indefinitely because I'm in no condition to pack up and leave now.

[renewmyspirit]

Last Saturday my husband and I were in a car accident. I got most of the impact and am off work for several weeks. He was able to go back to work already with some pain. I thought surely something this traumatic would make him change his behaviour for the better but he is actually worse than before. It's like he is mad at me for this (he was driving my car) and upset I am not catering to him like I usually did.

I researched and found a new vehicle as mine is a write off but do you think he will make any time for us to go see it? I can't drive right now so I need someone to take me there and to do the test drive. I am so incredibly disappointed in his behaviour and don't understand why he's frustrated with me when I'm in this condition.

I haven't even been asking him to take me to my physio and other medical appointments because it's always met with the same response about how much I'm inconveniencing him, or he will be late and even more frustrated even if he does agree to do it.

I guess all of this is just confirmation that he truly is incapable, not unwilling, to be more supportive in this relationship.

The accident was very traumatic for me. I've never been in one before and I keep having flashbacks of the moment before impact. I am sad that I still have a long way to go before I am back to normal, if I actually get back to the way I was before. I am trying so hard to not get discouraged and fall into a depression but his behaviour is not helping me at all.

Before this I was planning to get my own place and now all the money I had saved for this needs to go to buy a different vehicle. I feel I should be the one who is upset and yet I have not said anything about him wrecking my car.

How can someone who supposedly loves you treat you this way? Wouldn't the condition the person is in bring out a shred of empathy? It's not like I'm even asking him to wait on me and I'm trying to do as much as I can on my own. I have asked him to take out the garbage since I can't lift it. The house was a mess before the accident and I got in a cleaner which I thought would make him happy since he didn't want to do the cleaning. He never said a word about how nice the place looks and tonight he complained about them and said they messed everything up (?)

I just can't win and now I'm stuck here indefinitely because I'm in no condition to pack up and leave now.

[ortac77]

Hi

So sorry to hear about your car accident and that you were injured, I hope that you make a speedy recovery. This must all be very frustrating and upsetting for you - at a time when you need support feeling it is just not there.

That certainly is my experience with BPD and I noted your words "truly is incapable, not unwilling, to be more supportive in this relationship" because I have come to the same conclusion. Is there anyone else locally who can give you some support in your recovery from the accident?

I have struggled too with this whole empathy question, can they show empathy? I think it varies in individuals but my experience shows that my pwBPD has little empathy for others. I have to keep reminding myself that  the condition is one of poor/damaged emotional development - not that in the moment or period of our own suffering that helps apart from gradually making me realise that 'he' will never be there for me when I am experiencing difficulties.

Im so sorry that you are going through this at the moment

in peace

[renewmyspirit]

Thank you for your reply.

I do have many good friends that keep in touch with me by text and online. Some have come and driven me to my medical appointments as well. I mean it's good I have their support, but I am immersed in the "non-supportive" environment so much more often that it really affects me negatively.

I try to not let it bother me but all I'm doing is shutting down my emotions, staying away from him, not asking for help when I actually really need it - it just doesn't feel healthy to me.


I keep asking myself 'how much more can I take' and things just keep getting worse and worse. I don't want to stick around to find out how bad they are actually going to get. I'm feeling that this accident is a sign he is getting even worse. To me, I think we had plenty of time to stop for the yellow light. We proceeded through narrowly missing the first car that was clearing the intersection and then colliding with the second one. Since the other guy turned left in front of us, it's automatically his fault, but really I think we played a big part as well. And there was no reaction from him when we almost hit the first vehicle. No braking. No concern he almost hit it. Just anger at the other driver for being an idiot. Always blaming someone else for whatever has happened.

This risky driving behaviour is a constant with him and when I get my new vehicle, I am not ever going to let him drive it, which will make him upset and feel like I am blaming him for the accident. At this point, I don't even care and need to start doing things to make my life better instead of catering to his mood all the time so he doesn't get upset. He alone is responsible for his emotions and he needs to learn how to deal with them.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent more than anything. I will feel less vulnerable when I am more healed and I guess I just pick things up from where I left off and try to move forward.

[Red5]

I keep asking myself 'how much more can I take' and things just keep getting worse and worse.

I don't want to stick around to find out how bad they are actually going to get.

I'm feeling that this accident is a sign he is getting even worse.

This risky driving behaviour is a constant with him... .

At this point, I don't even care and need to start doing things to make my life better instead of catering to his mood all the time so he doesn't get upset.

He alone is responsible for his emotions and he needs to learn how to deal with them.

Good Afternoon Renewmyspirit,

Ortac also wrote, "This must all be very frustrating and upsetting for you - at a time when you need support feeling it is just not there."

I know that in my own marriage r/s... .I do wonder, what if something were to happen to me, and I were to become completely dependent on my u/BPDw for daily care... .uh' and well... .that does scare me quite a bit.

As far as driving, .ridding in the vehicle with my u/BPDw driving is like riding with an angry teenager, .yes, she does scare me when she is driving, .-tailgating-speeding-not stopping to short enough-getting angry at other drivers-... .and the kicker, when we are on a trip someplace, and she slips her rail, ie' the BPD'ism's show up, she is driving, and we are far from home, and there is nowhere to go to, no escape... .no, not cool at all. 

I am sorry that you were injured, and I hope that you are on the mend well, .we all can relate to your posts, and we are all listening, you are not alone R-Spirit !

Kind regards, Red5

[FindingMeAgain81]

... .And there was no reaction from him when we almost hit the first vehicle. No braking. No concern he almost hit it. Just anger at the other driver for being an idiot. Always blaming someone else for whatever has happened.

This risky driving behaviour is a constant with him and when I get my new vehicle, I am not ever going to let him drive it, which will make him upset and feel like I am blaming him for the accident. At this point, I don't even care and need to start doing things to make my life better instead of catering to his mood all the time so he doesn't get upset. He alone is responsible for his emotions and he needs to learn how to deal with them.
 

Hello renewmyspirit,

You are among people who truly understand the frustration and the fear that you must be feeling in this situation.  I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I hope you feel better very soon and can return to your normal activities. Being in a r/s with someone with BP is so very difficult already, and to throw on top of that an injury that they essentially caused and will not help support you through the healing process must be infuritating.  I have found in my own very similar relationship that it's difficult to ask for help from them bc of the fear of being belittled, blamed or blown off.

I can understand.  I am in the process of trying to leave a r/s with my BP who was very little help through two miscarriages and also has the crazy driving tendencies. I've almost been run over by him several times because of his anger outbursts while I was getting out of the vehicle, and his incessant texting and speeding and driving.  Reading your post has actually helped me realize how bad it can get with the unsafe driving.  They will never admit or even consider that it is a problem or that they may be responsible for any of the negativity that comes from their actions.

Keep your head up and know you have a whole community of us who are in the same situation trying to navigate the same challenges.  I wish you the very best. 

J

[Red5]

FindingMeAgain81 wrote: I’ve almost been run over by him several times because of his anger outbursts while I was getting out of the vehicle,

That exact same thing happened to me about the last week of March... .ugh!

Red5

[renewmyspirit]

Thank you all for your replies. It's been a very rough few weeks as I try to recover from the accident.

This incident, along with your comments and feedback, just reinforce that it is beyond time that I move on. This is not living.

I hope I figure it out soon.

[renewmyspirit]

I can't do this any longer. I am so scared of what's going to happen with him when I leave (go on wild spending spree and rack up more debt, conflict when he knows I'm leaving, maybe he will harm himself, or me, who knows). That's what's keeping me here, and that I need to continue paying the mortgage for a while, and my new place, so his non-payment doesn't affect my credit.

He's barely working. Sleeps until all hours of the day. Has no money. We just got our property tax bill for $3200 and I mentioned it and he snapped, "yeah, so, we get one every year." I have no idea how to pay this.

I'm still recovering from the car accident and have returned to work half time. After work, I go to my appointments, clean up the house, make meals, get groceries, do laundry, run other errands, etc. He does nothing. Our lawn is a foot tall and I was not going to do it due to being injured. He finally decided he should do it but then he had a meltdown since he couldn't get the lawn mower started so he left it out in front of the house. I foolishly went out and tried to get it going and if I had, I would have cut the lawn, and now my shoulder is more sore as I couldn't get it going either.

I cannot believe this is my life. I feel like I am being pulled under in the ocean and I'm barely keeping my head above water. I don't know how to escape. Everywhere I turn there is a roadblock, mostly money. I need to get away because lately I've been wondering what I'm even living for if this is all there is. This is not like me and I don't want my mental health to deteriorate more than it already has. If my friends knew what I was actually dealing with they would not believe this is my life.

[BetterLanes]

Hi renewmyspirit,

I am new here and just saw this thread and that you haven't had a public reply in a while. How are you doing? Did anyone send you a PM?

I don't know if there is any equivalent in the US (where I guess you are because of some of the terminology you used) to women's refuges or domestic violence helplines that we have in the UK? A counsellor I spoke to told me that emotional abuse qualifies as DV even if it is not physical. I don't know if this would be a good solution for you due to the financial obligations that you have had to assume, and I know in the US it is more difficult with finances and there is less of a safety net. But if you have this kind of service available maybe you could talk to someone and explore your options. Also if your workplace has an employee assistance program, they will want to help you as they have an interest in you continuing to work. I have not talked to any "real people" yet about the issues in my relationship but I have been phoning around a number of confidential helplines to see what they can offer. At the least it's an opportunity to get some sympathy for an hour. 

HTH, BetterLanes