Cancer Diagnosis

[Tired_Dad]

Well, after years of creating her own drama and issues she has now received a diagnosis of breast cancer.

She is having a lot of issues coping with her situation. From what she has shared of her diagnosis it is incredibly optimistic and very treatable. For her, as she has been creating issues out of nothing for so long, this situation that she has no control over and that she has to listen and trust experts is overwhelming her coping skills.

I have been struggling with how far I allow my empathy to show for her. I am being as supportive as I can as she is the mother of my child, still living in our shared home, and is someone that I do care about. However, I am not going to let any diagnosis excuse any "bad behavior" on her part and I have on several occasions now walked out of the room when she was upset because the conversations went to areas that I have already set limits on before she was diagnosed.

Mostly I am concerned that she is going to make a poor medical decision based on fear or control and that will lead to my son loosing his mother. But that is something that I have no control over and can only have a plan on how to move forward if she falls further away mentally or physically.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Tired_Dad,

I'm sorry to hear this news.  Cancer is always scary and as you say, you care for her and she is your child's mother.  That must put extra strain on you.  Where would you say you are presently regards the r/s?  Are you planning to separate?  Does this diagnosis change anything for you?

Love and light x

[Tired_Dad]

This does of course complicate things. However she has been choosing to stay at one of her parent's homes fairly often, staying out late and coming home after I go to bed, or coming home and going straight to bed. This is a continuation of her previous behavior and if it continues we will have to separate as she truly is not engaged in the marriage.

I plan to hold off on any legal action until her initial treatment is complete so that she will have insurance and I don't plan on cutting her off financially until things are settled.

I would like to think that adversity would bring out the best in her and that she will rise to the occasion, instead I fear that this will just drag her down faster.

[Harley Quinn]

What sort of conversation have you had around this, if any?  I'm wondering if the diagnosis has changed anything for your wife in any evident way regards the marriage. 

Love and light x

[Tired_Dad]

We really haven't had any real conversations. I have found that she is far too overwhelmed to process and is barely able to conceptualize a way that she can go through her treatment.

Case in point we spent the weekend apart as I was training with the Army and she went to visit her sister. She arrived home and was sore and upset, I tried to give her some support and of course she flinched and then started over explaining and snapped at me. I ended up yelling back at her and I am not proud of that but she did go up and take the shower she was planning on and then was leaving for a meeting. When she came back downstairs and was heading out the door I was once again given the "I'm not going to be treated this way speech" and that I "started yelling at her when she came in the door." At this I first started to remind her (read JADE) of what the sequence was before I started yelling and she started throwing the "you're a soldier and are never wrong" the "you will have so many regrets" and other things at me and I couldn't even respond anymore to the absurdity.

The only regret that I have was that when she moved out and we were separated 4 years ago I should have never trusted her and let her back in. I regret that I haven't divorced her yet. I regret wasting my life trying to make her's better. So yes, I will have many regrets, but none of them have anything to do with how I have treated her.

I am trying to be civil and kind as an example for my son. I am not always succeeding and I want to do better.

I don't want to do any legal actions now as I don't want her to think at all that I am divorcing her because of the cancer, I want her to know that she is the "cancer" in this relationship and I can see no other way out but to remove her from my life as much as I can and move on.

Hopefully she will recover, and will find a way to live her life. I know that I will never give her the opportunity to recycle me, and that I have to be able to model a healthy relationship for my son and to be honest I need to be in a healthy relationship.

[Red5]

Afternoon Tired_Dad,

Only have a moment here,

I am also dealing with an u/BPD wife who has been dx with stage four renal cell carcinoma,

I know its tough, combined with BPD, either dx or not.

Just wanted to let you know that we are out here listening, and many of us deal with the exact same things you are dealing with now.

It very helpful/beneficial to be able to come here and "write it out", and then have feedback.

Keep it up, we are listening,

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Tired_Dad,
My husband is about to undergo surgery for a hip replacement and I’ve discovered he’s very uncomfortable talking about his recovery, nor does he want to think about issues related to the process.

When a pwBPD already has difficulty with emotional regulation, adding in medical procedures makes that even worse. It’s no fun being the target of their wrath, particularly when you’re trying to help. And what seems like logical conversations and planning to a non, can be very triggering to a pwBPD and can seem like an attack.

Boundaries are always good when dealing with a pwBPD, but when implementing them with someone who has medical issues, we can be accused of not being sympathetic.

Good luck to both of you.

Cat

[Fie]

Hello Tireddad,


I don't know your story but stumbled upon your post and thought I'd reply on something you said.

First please know that I am really sorry for what you and your son are going through now. This is huge.

What I wanted to say was, first, I think it's very noble to want to stick around at least until after the treatment will be finished. I do however think it can be very insightful to ask yourself what your motive is for 'sticking it out'.

I don't want to do any legal actions now as I don't want her to think at all that I am divorcing her because of the cancer, I want her to know that she is the "cancer" in this relationship

As much as I understand where you are coming from, I would never think bad of someone in your situation choosing to leave at this point. Sometimes we are caretaking someone so much and it became such a habit, that we keep doing it, even though we came at a point where we realize it's not in our best interest. Her suddenly getting cancer does, in my opinion at least, not mean that you should further keep your life on hold - just so she can keep having her way with you. If you separate now, you will indeed probably get the insult of leaving because of the cancer. But first, I think she will probably hold it against you anyway, regardless of the exact moment you will leave.

Second, this is not about her ! It's about you. It really doesn't matter what she thinks. This is about what you want. This reminds me of me ruminating about my NPD/BPD ex after I left : 'What is he doing now', 'Is he happy, is he missing me', etc. Until someone told me : stop it, don't you see it doesn't matter ?'  Now I even think my mind was playing tricks on me, so I'd have an excuse to not have to focus on myself and my codependency.

I am trying to be civil and kind as an example for my son. I am not always succeeding and I want to do better.

Don't beat yourself up. You are trying. That is very remarkable and honorable in itself.

Lastly, would you say that, if you left now, it could actually be a good idea for your son ? Don't you think it could lead him to calmer waters ? This period will no doubt affect him. Dad moving out and him living with dad some of the time, in a house with a lot of tranquility and stability, might do him some good. What do you think ?

Please know that I am not trying to make you change your mind. I just wanted to chime in because I recognize this codependent tendency in myself too, and I wanted you to know that just because you (might?) feel guilty leaving at this point, doesn't mean you *should* feel guilty.

[Tired_Dad]

Thank you all for the encouragement.

Fie,

As of now I expect her to pull through this. Though it is cancer, and that can change suddenly.

My motivations for how my actions are perceived is for long term post cancer post marriage stability. If others perceive that I abandoned her during this time it will reflect poorly in court and in custody proceedings. I know it sounds cold that I think that way, but I am a strategic planner by nature and I always have an eye towards what the long term outcome I want is. I have within the past years got to the point where I can no longer see her as part of my long term goals and that my actions now are to stabilize the present to a point where a civil dissolution of the marriage is possible.

Reconciliation seems a distant dream and stability is my current goal.

[Fie]

I see.

I know it sounds cold that I think that way

I don't think you sound cold at all. You sound healthy. Keep sticking up for yourself and for your kid. I am sending you lots of courage.

[MrRight]

Hello Tired_Dad

boy can I relate to that username.

I am so sorry to hear all this - not least that your partner has been diagnosed.

My partner has been talking up her "cancer" for more than a decade and had a biopsy recently, on her breast - which came back neg. Though she still claims she has cancer with every ache or pain.

may I ask how old you child is and when you split did she take the child.

[Tired_Dad]

None of my intentions to improve the situation matter anymore.

Caught her cheating, asked her not to come home and to stay somewhere else.

I can't legally bar her from the house, but DCF has been involved since she was committed for sucide watch and drug use and I think that will keep her cooperative.

I'm asking her to maintain supervised visits and to have her father or mother take care of transporting my son.

[Red5]

None of my intentions to improve the situation matter anymore.

Caught her cheating, asked her not to come home and to stay somewhere else.

I can't legally bar her from the house, but DCF has been involved since she was committed for sucide watch and drug use and I think that will keep her cooperative.

I'm asking her to maintain supervised visits and to have her father or mother take care of transporting my son.

Sorry to hear this Tired_Dad,

Cheating is an absolute deal breaker for me, a "non-starter", .zero tolerance for that,

Hang in there, and take care of yourself... .what do they say "keep calm & chive on" !

One day at a time,

Red5

[Tired_Dad]

Went to our scheduled "Marriage Counseling" last night.

We made some tentative agreements to move forward. She seems to understand that I did not kick her out, that I asked her not to come to the house. Specifically when I am home. This may seem like semantics, but I recognize that I do not have legal authority to bar her entrance to the house.

I let her know that I am sensitive to her cancer treatment and she revealed to me that she has Stage 3 breast cancer in one of her breasts. Her prognosis is good as of now from what I understand, but I am researching options to formalize our arrangement in order to keep her in treatment. No matter what she is the mother of my child and she deserves medical care and since she can't work now I can't currently bring myself to work towards a path that could significantly put her health at risk.

I told her that all financial arrangements that are in place will remain in place for now until we can sit down and hash out all of it. What sucks is I was in the middle of setting up a refinance of our home in order to consolidate debt and now I have to rethink that plan. I believe that I can get her to agree to it as it will benefit her also and make it easier to care for my son.

She didn't deny that she was speaking to him. She did try to re-characterize the situation but she stopped after I let her know that I made screen shots of the conversation. I found it amusing that she tried to say that she found things on the computer that I left there because she was snooping and then was immediately offended that I was snooping. That got shut down real fast by both me and our therapist.

I am meeting with a lawyer on Friday and getting everything together. I need a plan that protects my son and me and that doesn't leave us exposed to her instability.

[Red5]

Went to our scheduled "Marriage Counseling" last night.

We made some tentative agreements to move forward.

I let her know that I am sensitive to her cancer treatment and she revealed to me that she has Stage 3 breast cancer in one of her breasts.

I am researching options to formalize our arrangement in order to keep her in treatment.

I told her that all financial arrangements that are in place will remain in place for now until we can sit down and hash out all of it.

I believe that I can get her to agree to it as it will benefit her also and make it easier to care for my son.

She didn't deny that she was speaking to him. She did try to re-characterize the situation but she stopped after I let her know that I made screen shots of the conversation.

I found it amusing that she tried to say that she found things on the computer that I left there because she was snooping and then was immediately offended that I was snooping.

That got shut down real fast by both me and our therapist.

I am meeting with a lawyer on Friday and getting everything together.

I need a plan that protects my son and me and that doesn't leave us exposed to her instability.

Solid !

And remember... ."I need a plan that protects my son and me and that doesn't leave us exposed to her instability"

One day at a time, stick to your plan, but understand that sometimes you may have to change, or tailor your plan to ultimately reach your goal.

I have been there myself, in my first marriage, .consistency = peace of mind,

Hang tuff Tired_Dad!

Red5

[Tired_Dad]

Update: I met with and retained my lawyer on Friday. The meeting went very well. He seems optimistic about custody, a bit less optimistic about how I will get out of this financially. No matter what, it is time to go. I am no longer conflicted, or tolerating, it is time to end it.

I have not read her in fully on my plan as I do not need an extinction burst until several financial pieces that rely on her cooperation are in place.