Counting is over, exasperated, could use some input

[bluek9]

  Hi all,

            It has been no secret that I count days with my daughter. We actually had 4 months and 3 days with no meltdowns  . I count those as my golden nuggets. We had just come to the place of stretching out therapy to every other week, having her come to some awareness about her detaching from her son, making progress in not smoking. Then bam, out of no where   meltdown over something so miniscule. Like always it went from nothing to mount Everest in a nano second. It was the usual name calling, yelling, screaming, blaming, slamming things. She was volatile so I left the area and went into the living room. She followed me, and this time was worse because she spwed all over my grandson JJ. Said vicious horrible things about me to him and then stormed off. It was so fast there was no staying wisemind or using S.E.T for me. So here I sit, my head is still spinning.
          I am exasperated  not just from last night. I just accomplished gaining guardianship of JJ and getting medical power of attorney over my daughter. So many mountains to get over. I'm looking for input on this situation: JJ is 6 he goes to work with me every Saturday. Last week he shared that he is afraid of his mother. The way she talks to him, yells at him. NO it's not like I didn't know this was coming, I was dreading the day. I did my best to find a way for a 6 year old to understand. I simply said your mom has some things that get in the way of her being calm, sometimes things come out real mean. Oh lord just tear my heart out and stomp on it. Hello rollercoaster!
        I know there are other people, grandparents here on this board who struggle like I do. I'm looking for some input, ideas, suggestions in this area with JJ. He is smart as a whip. I look into my tool bag, dig around, what can I possible say in loving 6 year old way? How do I tell him his mom, my daughter is suffering and nothing can be done about it? His little heart is on that rollercoaster too. He tries so desperately to get attention and love from her, I do my best to protect him and give him what he needs. I find myself at a loss today. I'm hurt after last night, my mind going a million different directions, I'm asking myself how do I get back on track when I don't even feel like doing it. Sorry guys I'm crying to my BPD family this morning. I'm thankful for this place and all of you who read and respond, just sad hearted today   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

Hey blue, sending you a hug. 

You just got guardianship of your grandson, your d just improved in therapy... .I'd say this outburst and regression on her part was right on time.   My d seems to regress right after progress.  I wonder if fear of recovery of their own BPD is tied to their fear of abandonment. 

Here's what you can do for your grandson: gain guardianship, offer him a safe and loving environment... .oh wait you've already done that.     .

You are giving that little boy everything he needs just by being you.  He's lucky to have you.  Hang in there and keep us posted. 

[Daisy123]

Hello Bluek9,
You have moved mountains with getting guardianship of GS and medical power of atty for your DD! What major accomplishments those two are!
I am so sorry your peace has ended in such a painful way. Though your DD just lost it in front of GD, he still has you to help him steady his ups and downs with his mother. You have gained his trust as he is able to confide in you his troubling thoughts and wow! Good for him for being so self aware at age 6. That’s half the battle, perhaps. They are both lucky to have you. As for being at wits end, is there anything you can do for you right now? Your well sounds like it’s gone a bit dry.
I hope you find some thing to replenish you.
Take good care, I will hold you in my thoughts.

[Feeling Better]

Hi bluek9  

I can’t tell you how sorry I am to hear of your daughters meltdown, it must be totally devastating for you.

My heart goes out to you, you are trying so hard to raise your JJ in a loving and stable environment, you are doing the best that you can. I wish I could wave that magic wand for you, in fact I wish I could wave it for all of us.

You have asked for input, ideas and suggestions for JJ. Your situation is so difficult right now, I think you need to carry on doing for JJ what you are already doing, caring for him and protecting him as much as you can. You could tell him that you understand that he is afraid of his mother, this is acknowledging his fear, and tell him that his mother loves him very much but she finds it really difficult to show it. He needs a lot of reassurance right now. This is just my suggestion and no doubt you will get lots more. Above all else, don’t forget about you and your own well-being xx

[bluek9]

Thank you all for the fast response.

           FS, I think you have hit the nail on the head! regression in the face of progress. It's so damn hard to get her accept praise, I want that so much for her, for her self esteem. And yes is the answer, her abandonment fear goes so, so deep. I feel so sad that she has to experience that kind of feeling. But her treatment of me also causes so much pain. D123 thank you so much for the offer, you have already helped me by being here and lifting me up. Yes my poor well is dry  , right now I'm working on getting my garden in, so this weekend will be spent outside playing in the dirt. FB thank you for your kind words. I do tell JJ everyday that he is loved. Right now I'm feeling like I need a break from being the strong one, the one who ALWAYS keeps it together. Not that I'm having a pity party, just need to recharge. So yes I will keep on keeping on. I love you all for coming to my aid. THANK YOU

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Blue,

How horribly frustrating. That feeling of "maybe things are getting better finally" just to get your hopes stomped on. I'm so sorry. You are the best Grandma and your GS is so lucky to have you. You are saving him. Sending lots of love

[SlyQQ]

This may sound harsh and i apologize, but faced with a meltdown from your daughter it might be wiser not to retreat to the vicinity of your grandson, this is not meant as criticism in any way shape or form just focusing your awareness in face of the realities

[Harri]

Hi bluek9.  I am so sorry you are dealing with so much stress.

I do not have much advice about your daughter, but I do want to make a suggestion about your grandson. 

Validate his emotions.  If he is afraid, validate that.  Encourage him to talk about what he is feeling when she goes off the rails like that or even when she is having a good day.  He needs to know his feelings are normal, justified and okay to talk about with you.  It is okay for him to be angry with her, to love her, to fear her.  Those are actually normal responses in a very abnormal situation.

It is okay to tell him his mother loves him but I would recommend caution with that as it is too easy to fall back on that.  he may feel that he has no right to be angry, scared, whatever since 'his mother loves him'.  Being told his mother loves him even though she screams at him and he is scared of her is invalidating.  Yes, she loves him but what does that have to do with the fact that she is emotionally abusing him?  Do you see what I mean?

Peace to you and yours.

[bluek9]

        I need to respond to SlyQQ.  I get what you're saying so let me explain a little further. Our house is very small and when my daughter has a meltdown she follows me around. During one of her meltdowns she actually broke a door off the hinges to get to me. I went to the living room to go outside, JJ was in the living room playing. There was no making it out the door as she was already screaming. During this she snatched JJ up and took him upstairs. With the potential for her to be physically violent I have to be real careful.
        That brings me to Harri, I know how difficult these posts can be understand, as the reader we only get a small view into the whole picture. JJ is my life, I spend all my time around him first off making him feel loved, then protecting him from his mother verbally. He is only 6. I do my best to validate his feelings and emotions. We spend a lot time together because his mother will not participate in what he needs. We do talk a lot. As a counselor I have always reinforced the fact that people have the right to be mad, angry. I do tell him that, I think he knows that. I don't feel that at 6 he needs to know the expression emotional abuse. I said in my original post that I told him "your mom has some things that get in the way of her being calm and sometimes things come out mean".  I am by means a child psychologist but I do know that a 6 year olds capacity to understand is limited. Hence the reason I asked for input from other here.

[Harri]

Hey bluek9.  It is good to know you have a good handle on validation.  I do want to clarify that I was not thinking you should tell him about emotional abuse though.  Message heard and received on the rest of what you said.  Venturing out onto other boards is a learning curve for me so thank you.  I am glad JJ has you in his life.

Peace to you and yours.

[wendydarling]

Hi bluek9  

How are you today? Sunday is the first day of your weekend, I hope you are getting some you time?

I encourage you to keep counting from your start bk9, I'm a day counter like you and it's really worked for me these last 3 years, on the search for golden nuggets, small triumphs are huge, then wham bam, the earth below falls and it can feel like we are starting again, more mountains to climb as you say. What I've learnt is we are always in a better position than where we were before the original counting started. I've often referred it to a 'sliding doors' moment, much has been achieved, often more than we realise or can see at this point and when that happens it makes space for another issue to raise, challenge us and be worked through.

I'm interested to hear how your DD is working through detachment with JJ, what does that entail? What does that look like for young JJ? Is that what you're all working through at this time?

Wishing you peace this weekend bk9 as you regain your energy, I'm pouring a pot of tea for all right now, here's your cup, or is it coffee  

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hi bluek9,
I, too, just want to express my sympathies and empathy regarding the distressing situation you were dealt with your daughter's recent meltdown.  It's a horrible disease.  I think maybe by counting (and I think we all do it to one degree or another), we are in a way, setting ourselves up for a letdown.  My feeling is that a setback is almost inevitable with BPD, it is the nature of the disease - emotional deregulation.

As non-BPD's we, too, can have bad days, days where we react badly to things and act in ways we are not proud of.  For the pwBPD, I think it is a bad day (or series of bad days) on steroids... . 

You have made wonderful progress with your daughter, you are an inspiration to all of us on here with your upbeat attitude, empathy and advice.  I believe things will get back on track with your daughter soon.  You have come so very far, and although this is heartbreaking and so very hurtful, you have not returned to the beginning.

Thinking of you, bluek9.  Wishing you a peaceful Sunday.    MomMae

[Merlot]

Hi Bluek9

Glad you came to vent among us. We so need to be able to do that, especially when we just need some respite from the drama.  

I agree with MomMae that setback is part of the territory and that you have had a good spell is famtastic. Like we all say here, our adult children need to take responsibility for their lives with our gentle guidance. Our little grandbabies need to be loved and to feel safe and you are doing the very best you can in this regard.

Your situation Bluek9 is so incredibly complex with no quick solutions up for grabs but I do hear you celebrating the wins. Keep doing that.

I hope you can enjoy small precious moments in your day.

Im sure you are one of God'saints and he has chosen wisely.

Thinking of you.

Merlot

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I was talking to my husband last night about the pendulum analogy. I'd used it before with our daughter but never thought through it much. But I realized it's the perfect analogy for BPD. Someone earlier in this thread was talking about how regression always comes after progress. The pendulum swings back and forth and when the disease is at it's worst the regression can be catastrophic, take months to recover from. But it seems like over time and with treatment the regressions are shorter and it takes less time and effort for them to rebound. And eventually as the pendulum loses momentum we can hope it will come to a stop and let our beloved children live peacefully.

[bluek9]

  Thanks guys!

          It's Monday, and yes I did take a few days to recoup myself. You are all so right, meltdowns are to be expected, we all have bad days. But holy cow when that meltdown comes out of nowhere and it's so vicious, it really hurts. I will keep counting days, it helps me to keep the good days of progress in focus and never take them for granted. Yes HB I like that analogy, I hope that with BPD it may stop swinging too.
      To answer your question WDx, she was going to play therapy with JJ once a week. She made it for 6 weeks and then said no more. JJ loved it, looked forward to going. Now we are back to her not participating in anything. Right now I just grateful we all live together so he has her around. I do post often about her verbage and how ugly she can be when she speaks, but like everything else "a work in progress". And by the way yes it's tea when I'm relaxing, coffee in the morning. Thanks to all for the support