Thinking about next steps DD20 and husband

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
My DD20 is still refusing PHP. She is seeing her no DBT therapist once a week, actually getting herself there on her own. She is a low function pwBPD and doesn’t do much with her life. No job, no school, no hobbies except for smoking weed. Last night we went to Walgreens and I found myself feeling really angry as our basket filled up with make up she thought she needed. I supply the basics, home, food, meds, therapy, birth control - oh yes, we bought a pregnancy test because she’s two weeks late... .she’s put off taking the test and I am afraid of her father’s ire when or if he sees we’ve purchased such a test.

I am considering giving her a date of when she needs to be employed.
I don’t know why- it seems I’m just setting myself up for more disappointment. She hasn’t done much to get better and now she’s taken to eating. She’s put on 30 pounds in the past few months.

I’m ranting, sorry. It’s just so hard watching DD do so little to help herself. I mention a job and she says she has too much anxiety to try-yet she won’t seek treatment for it.

In the meanwhile, my husband continues to be difficult and wrapped in his own pain regarding DD. I was planning on catching up on sleep when I woke to him screaming at her. Apparently she went out last night and was coming in at 7:30 in the morning. He accused her of being on drugs and they had a loud fight at 7:30 in the morning!

I’m tired of just watching my DD do nothing. And I’m beyond irritated with my husband. He refuses to go to family therapy, he refuses to read about BPD or join a parent support group that I belong to. I pointed out that he is refusing help just as his daughter has and perhaps he could be more of a role model and show her how one reaches out for help when needed.

His standard answer: “What will help me is my daughter finding the proper treatment.”

He has no idea that he is making it worse by creating more conflict. All the drama that’s taken place in our home since she’s been back from rehab- she did put herself in rehab back in January for a Xanax addiction- is because he’s started yelling at her for one reason or another.

My mantra has been- it’s okay to be angry, it’s not okay to take out your anger on others.

But, this is how both my husband and I were raised. Parents got to rage out on us because we did something wrong. He’s as much stuck in his cycle of dysfunction as our daughter is in her shame and anxiety.

I can’t seem to communicate this point to him. I’m really getting close to my wits end with husband.

Today, I asked if we could talk about his own drug abuse with alcohol. He doesn’t drink anymore, but we’ve never talked about it. I mentioned that he didn’t like when I accused him of drinking and that perhaps it’s not working with our daughter. His response was’ I’ve never had a drinking problem and therefore there’s nothing to discuss.’

I just backed off and let it go.

In the meanwhile- I want my DD to get up and take this test while her dad isn’t home so we can quietly deal with whatever we may have to deal with. And in the meantime, she continues to do very little, chores here and there, one appt to therapist, running out to get high with friends. I’m short on patience wondering if she will ever be able to take care of herself. I mean- I have to hand her her meds or she won’t take them. She has no clean clothes and beginning to wear mine- TMI even my clean underwear! Gross!
Lastly- I hate to say this, but I’m considering asking the husband to leave. 26 years of marriage... .I’m holding in so many resentments towards him and he won’t go back into therapy with me. He’s just like DD the more I persue, the more pushback I get.
I can’t but think if we’d better without his constant ire around.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy123

Gee, I'm sorry things are so tough for you, you've a lot on your plate and been working hard, it's no wonder you feel irritated angry and resentful with neither getting on board with you, making any positive change, in roads. What is good Daisy is you can see, understand the issues, the dynamics, you come here and lay them out clearly and vent as we do.   While my situation is different to yours, on reflection it was the slow and consistent 'pushing through' that led to small successes on the way. Like you are I armed myself with knowledge and parents here   picked me up, dusted me off and gifted me the energy and confidence to go forwards.

Re your DD not taking on responsibility for treatment or work, sometimes we have to hand it to them low functioning or not, her doing nothing and saying NO is not an option, you know that and it's driving you nuts and making you sad. Have you considered offering her choice of either treatment or work, give her a couple of days to weigh up each option and make a decision between which one she's taking responsibility for and then set a timeline as you suggest. SET (support empathy and truth) works well here. Is this the deal for living under your roof as an adult, how do you feel about that? Just a suggestion Daisy to help you think things through. Lesson 2, if our approach is not working change it.

Ugg, you really needed not, I kinda dare not ask, how did the pregnancy test go?

As can be the case sometimes there is one adult role model, leading the way, to impact change. I'm so sorry your H is not listening to you, getting on board, providing you support, acknowledging his role in the conflict in your home must be unbelievably frustrating, I'd be at my wits end too, getting nothing back. Do you think he wants to leave?

We are here for you.
WDx

[Feeling Better]

Daisy123, I’m so sorry to hear about your current situation and I am hearing you loud and clear, I can feel your utter frustration and disappointment in your D and your H right now.

The saddest and hardest thing is when we can see where our loved ones are going wrong and despite our best efforts to guide them in the right direction, they still hold onto their beliefs that they are right.

I am sorry that you are not getting the support that you need from your H, he is currently stuck in his own mindset whereas you are moving on, wanting your H there with you but realising that sadly this may never happen.

Maybe if you tell your H how you are feeling, and that because of the hopelessness of your current situation you are considering asking him to leave, that might make him wake up to what’s actually going on. It might spur him to be more proactive. Or is there a possibility that it might trigger his anger?

Wishing you well  

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Daisy

I just wrote you a long reply and then somehow lost it.

The gist was - I have been so close to where you are. I didn't think my husband and I would survive several times over the last few years.

My daughter was exactly like yours. Did literally nothing all day every day. Actually yours is better because she gets herself to therapy. I had to pretty much drag my daughter out of bed and out the door to go to therapy. The only thing that helped her was us making her move out. Are you in a financial position where you could help her move into an apartment? And give her a deadline when your aid would end, like two months. I think that your daughter may have to move out to save your marriage. And I also think long term it may help her the most.

Not to say that my daughter moving out was easy. It has been extremely difficult, but my husband and I had the space to be alone and recoup between drama. And we reconnected and were able to get on the same page about our daughter.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I was on the verge of asking my husband to move out for a few months to get himself together a couple of times.

I so hope your situation improves. I feel for you more than you can know. I am here if you want to talk.

As a side note, I would highly recommend trying to convince your daughter to get the Nexplanon birth control implant. I spent several months convincing my daughter and honestly it was the only thing that gave me peace of mind about her at several points over the last few years.

[Daisy123]

Hi Folks,
Thanks for the support! It’s gotten worse. All of the past conflicts since DD has been out of rehab we’re started by my husband. He actually picks fights with her. He woke me up yelling about how I needed to get her out and into a home. I do not like my husband right now and he is exhausting every bit of energy I’ve got.
My DD has attempted suicide 3 times all very serious attempts. We do not have the monies to place her in her own apartment. All of her friends still live at home, there’s no family that will take her in. I resent my husband and his bad behavior.
I’ve had to stay at home today to keep the peace.
I don’t know what to do. Kicking DD out is not an option.

[Jnel921]

Daisy 123, I'm sorry about what you are going through, sounds a lot like my own D who is 20 and your marital troubles are all too common. I found myself feeling the same way about my H. But we went to counseling and I understood where the anger and hurt was coming from. He hated seeing my suffering at the hands of my own D. Unfortunately you are too. Perhaps you both need to go to strengthen your M and come to mutual decisions together. Not just to save your M but save your DD.

Putting her out of the home is not such a bad idea. I've done it and I will be honest. Not having her here is hard, but having her here is harder. She like your daughter would want me to buy load of stuff for her that she didn't deserve. Not to mention everything else she put us through.

One day she will have to learn to stand on her own 2 feet. Whether she does it through public assistance or going to a homeless shelter, she has to learn one day that she cannot solely rely on you. Bailing our kids out doesn't teach them responsibility. It handicaps them.

My own D needs to go back to school and figure out her life. I cant do that for her. So in the meantime she has to fly and learn how to land safely without my help.

I know it sounds scary, but in order for these changes to happen you have to trust that whatever happens afterwards cannot be any worse than what is happening now.

Good Luck.

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
Well DD is not pregnant. That’s a relief.

Thank you for sharing your story Jnl, you are right... .my H and I need to put some major energy into our marriage.

I think you hit on something, too; our life partners suffer so much, having empathy for this suffering alieviates some of that resentment I’ve been holding onto.

He is suffering as much as DD and me. He, like DD acts out his pain through anger. Gosh do I wish he could just see that his behavior is making things hot around here.

I think that his poking, prodding and constant crtisism is what led to yesterday’s outburst.

He’s not going to go back into therapy- he has said so. I am going to continue to explore ways of making some inroads with him. If he won’t actively seek support through therapy and Family Connections, I think it fair to ask how he can best support himself so we aren’t walking on eggshells with him.