My adult son has BPD

[SBA2014]

I did not know about any of this until 8 months ago. My son adult son (early 30s) was always combative, disrespectful, manipulating, bullying, had a couple of issues with law as a minor. I always thought that one day he will straightened out. He eloped in his mid-20s and they have 2 children.  4 and 1. About 7 months ago he began viciously attacking me and my wife for not providing "support". At first he framed it as babysitting, but very quickly it was about financial support. We agreed to help, but wanted a plan. At this point he began bombarding us with as many as 60 texts per day. Blaming me for molesting him when he was 7, and threatened to "reveal it to our friends". We stuck to our guns. So, he sent the “revealing” email to our closest friends. Our friends did not believe him. So he decided to up it and filed a case with the police of me molesting his daughter, my beloved granddaughter. He coached her in a video that he sent the detective, and shared the horrible video with our friends. We hired a criminal attorney, shared the vicious texts and emails with the attorney, who forwarded them to the detective. The detective cancelled the case.

We decided to seek counseling. We went to a highly recommended professional, who listened to our detailed woes, and then told us that he thinks our son has BPD. He suggested to block all communication with our son, since he was clearly manipulating, and attempting to divide and conquer, separating my wife and I, playing the emotional grandchildren card. At this point he is referring to me as his biological father.

Our son has disconnected from the entire extended family, including other siblings, old friend, and their adult children ("how come you are not supporting me?" "You’re either with me or him"

We joined NAMI support group. It is helping us understand mental illness. Gives us information about mental illness, allows us to share our stories. Time has a way of dulling the pain. We learned how to deal with it and how to continue with our daily routine.  We miss our grandchildren, which we haven't seen for 8 months.

We are constantly looking for ways to somehow re-connect, and begin a dialog that won't end as another bullying, manipulating, hurtful exchange.

Thank you for this forum.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi SBA2014

  Welcome to the bpdfamily.  I've very sorry to hear what you have been and are still going through, it's particularly difficult when there are grandchildren involved.   As I say to other parents, it's confronting to have a diagnosis but also also a relief.  The diagnosis, puts many things into perspective and allows you to learn how to care for yourself and your BPD child.  You have come to the right place, so much of your story will resonate with other parents, including mine. Your's son's ongoing need for support, the manipulation, the cutting off and the creation of stories against you.  These are all terrible things, and unfortunately, very indicative of BPD.  So I encourage you to  talk to as many parents here as you can.

I am glad you are engaging with mental health professionals; like everything I think it's about finding the right therapist for you.  i have read a few books recently, however Randi Kreger's book "Stop Walking on EggShells" talks about issues that you have been experiencing in relation to you son making false accusations against you.  Also, I took great value in reading Shari Manning's book "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder".  It is very insightful and talks about those issues that lead to incessant texting.

My daughter is 27 and is high functioning BPD diagnosed three years ago.  I've been cut off for three months and she has left our state without saying goodbye and taken my granddaughter with her.  This was following a series of violent rages when we tried to challenge her and make her more accountable for herself as we were exhausted after 12 months of supporting her and the baby while working full-time.  When she was teenager, she once accused my husband of chasing her around the house with a knife, so I do get how awful it is to have these accusations levelled at you.

In terms of reconnecting, it may be useful to step out of the drama just for a little while so that you can re-balance, heal a little and allow your son to calm.  Reconnecting is difficult, it's as much about it being on your terms as it is his; how to get that alignment without the abuse is the challenge... .one that I am still working on and not yet mastered.

Take care, we are thinking of you and please keep coming to share.

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hi SBA2014,

As another parent who’s uBPD son has chosen to go NC (no contact) I would like to join Merlot in welcoming you here. I hope that you will find the resources here as helpful and useful as I have, not forgetting the wonderful insight and support from fellow members.

Re-connecting, something that should be so simple and straightforward under normal circumstances, becomes such a difficult and daunting task when BPD is thrown into the mix.

I would say, continue to learn as much as you can about BPD and about good communication skills. Read others posts and post yourself and hopefully you will  come to see your way forward through this mine field that is BPD 

[SBA2014]

And to add to this, we now realized that our ‘beloved’ daughter in law is a grifter. So, she keeps pouring gasoline into his mentally ill brain (in fact, I believe she's mentally ill as well. Birds of a feather... .) She wants money, and he can't provide the amount that she wants, so she figured, let's use his illness to hit the soft target, his parents. Or as she said "you have enough equity in your home, and you can't take it with you, so it'll be a drop in the bucket for you".

They invited our friends, their adult children, and their young children to our grandson's 1st birthday, leaving us, of course. No one from that group showed up.
My wife is still hoping for this magical switch to miraculously turn on. I am realistic and am dealing with the pain of not seeing my grandchildren. I have good days and bad days.

As to my son, I discovered a feeling that I have never felt before: Hate. I truly hate him. I hope to be able to deal with it, through therapy, meditation, exercise, or whatever. I am a positive person, and this feeling saddens me. I don't like it.

I found a resource on YouTube re. toxic adult children by Ben Leichtling and reached out to him.

[Merlot]

Hi SBA2014

I only just made it to my GD"s first birthday and havent seen them since. Its so sad and there are definitely good and bad days.

I hear your anger. I have also felt like this but I know that ultimately that is more desttuctive to me and so working hard to not stay stuck here.

I am also reading a book bu Sheri McGregor: Done with the Crying. Its about adult child estrangement and reconnecting. There are some really useful insights into how to address issues for couples as they are often in different mind sets and in processing their grief. There is also some examples that talk to the issue you raise about your son's partner. I'm finding it really helpful.

Look after yourself and each other.  I kmow this is very difficult.

Keep coming and sharing as we are here for support.

Merlot