How can that just sit there...and act as though everything is normal?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How can they (u/BPDw) just sit there, and go on and on; on the phone like nothing is wrong, everything is a-ok, yet in reality, it’s full blown ST, and “go screw yourself”, and “I can take care of myself I don’t need anything from you”; and “do what you want to, I won’t take the blame again”... .

It’s was a good run, some thirty six daze with only minor flare ups, was able to redirect, turn, and defuse... .but this morning, over something about “shopping”, .major dysregulation, .door slaming, tried to lock me out, upended several items of furniture, .just wow, I thought I couldn’t be surprised anymore, but I have to tell you, today was something.

I think I handled it well, did not give over to her behaviors... .did not join in, just went about my buisiness, .

Held my boundaries, did not rescue (clean up after), and one of my best ones; ie’ wont allow BPD to disrupt the standard operating procedures ie’ Sunday is Church, out to lunch and grocery shopping followed by time spent reading, and listening to the Sunday comentaries on the radio,

Nope, I gave her a wide berth and only communicated in one liner and succinctly at best,

Yeah, .I knew it was a bit overdue as the cycle is eleven days usually,

Hope everyone is ok this evening,

... .talk more tomorrow, Red5 out~>

[Red5]

How can they (u/BPDw) just sit there, and go on and on; on the phone like nothing is wrong, everything is a-ok, yet in reality, it’s full blown ST, and “go screw yourself”, and “I can take care of myself I don’t need anything from you”; and “do what you want to, I won’t take the blame again”... .

It’s was a good run, some thirty six daze with only minor flare ups, was able to redirect, turn, and defuse... .but this morning, over something about “shopping”, .major dysregulation, .door slaming, tried to lock me out, upended several items of furniture, .just wow, I thought I couldn’t be surprised anymore, but I have to tell you, today was something.

I think I handled it well, did not give over to her behaviors... .did not join in, just went about my buisiness, .

Held my boundaries, did not rescue (clean up after), and one of my best ones; ie’ wont allow BPD to disrupt the standard operating procedures ie’ Sunday is Church, out to lunch and grocery shopping followed by time spent reading, and listening to the Sunday comentaries on the radio,

Nope, I gave her a wide berth and only communicated in one liner and succinctly at best,

Yeah, .I knew it was a bit overdue as the cycle is eleven days usually,

Hope everyone is ok this evening,

... .talk more tomorrow, Red5 out~>

[Turkish]

I found the cycle record to be 3 weeks,  typically 1-2 weeks.  By week 2, I was WOE.

Even today as a co-parent, separated over 4 years, there was a minor moody incident today when she picked up our son. She kind of apologized to D6 later in the day (she was returning S8), but nothing to me.   

What precipitated the latest incident?

[Red5]

I found the cycle record to be 3 weeks,  typically 1-2 weeks.  By week 2, I was WOE.

Even today as a co-parent, separated over 4 years, there was a minor moody incident today when she picked up our son. She kind of apologized to D6 later in the day (she was returning S8), but nothing to me.  

What precipitated the latest incident?

Afternoon Turkish !

"What precipitated the latest incident"?... .I am still trying to figure that out, .as I deconstruct the accident scene, and pull the burned and twisted pieces of fuselage out of the impact crater ()... .all I can do at this point is try to retrace my steps on Sunday morning.

The fight did flare back up this AM, when I said “good morning” and got no response (ST), and then I asked, “so, how long are you going to give me the silent treatment for this time?”… and she then started in on me about me taking all day the last two daze of last week (had those days off due to airshow) to clear logs out of our front yard from the tree surgeons visit over a month ago now, and promising to take her shopping on Saturday, but then not going as we had to finish the logs on Saturday (her idea)?/!

So then it was an understood agreement that we would do said shopping on Sunday after Church, as we were getting ready Sunday morning, still, so far so good (?), we were in the kitchen together, and I asked, “what’s the primary goal of today’s shopping going to be?”... .and KABOOM !

Background:
*going south on Friday for a family (my foo) memorial service, need to possibly enhance wardrobe,
*need to replace the dishwasher,
*whatever else she has (had) in mind,
*her birthday is Saturday, same day as memorial service down south, (NOTAMS) u/BPDw destroyed my b-day back in March, that was the great gall bladder, hit and run operation she pulled on me…
*also it's mother’s day this weekend,

Ok, after swinging the chainsaw, and the log hook round all day, three daze in a row, my old back is quite d-u-n !… so of course, I really was not too keen of spending endless hours watching her shop, sorry, but I am old, and cranky, and pretty much tired of the WOE… I’d rather just stomp them under my feet and take my licking these daze, … so by making the statement of “what’s the primary goal of today’s shopping going to be?”… hoping to set shopping goals in our limited amount of time, I set her off,

I promised her Saturday, but she “re-directed” the days efforts back to clearing the front yard, but she now denies this, also she says she got my old truck some maintenance done for my belated birthday, afterwards, like it never happened crash damaged birthday… gee thanks, could have paid for that myself you know, so nice try.

She was really in my grill this morning as my S31 special needs and I were trying to get ready for school and work, was pretty tenuous… I did make a futile attempt at JADE, you know FACTS !… but of course to no avail, as she quickly rearranged the historical record to ensure I was blamed for “ruining her Saturday, and then her Sunday"… grrrr what the heck & what the H3LL… bravo sierra never ends with her…

In the midst of it all, I did keep my cool, and “led” her through the argument to a point that I could get out the door and off to work, have a nice day Red5 eh” smh  

At one point, I asked her something I’d heard a while back on another “channel”… I said to her, if you did not know me, or I was not your husband or else family, would you even want to have anything to do with me as you see me now (perceive me)… she said NO!

And then I said to her, then maybe you should act accordingly then…

So, .what caused the ruckus this time, after some thirty-six daze of somewhat “calm”… only minor flare ups, well, it was when I said;

“what’s the primary goal of today’s shopping going to be”

That was enough for:
#1. 24 hours of silent treatment, scowls, poufy face, and glaring eyes, followed by more argument.
#2. Attempted lock out last evening (I have spare key now due to this ongoing behavior).
#3. Tipped over (acting out) cat tree right in front of my Sons bedroom, and bathroom door in hallway, so I took a pic with my cell phone  .
#4. Slammed door in my face in bathroom, just thirty minutes from time to go to Church, told me to go “screw myself”.
#5. RUDE all day Sunday… RUDE ! (very childish).
#6. Threw my pork sandwich into the floor this morning while I was making S31 special needs, and my lunch.
#7. Called me “fat” and took pics with her cell phone of me, while I was making salad last night (because I took pic of her rampage with the kitty cat tower)… (what the heck)  !
#8. Belittled, berated, and scorned me to a pulp this morning, before I left for work, ah' yes, &  good to go, thank you may I have another !
#9. I got into bed last night, and she promptly got out; and went to the office couch (leather)... .her choice, I slept pretty good all night too !

Wednesday she goes in for another cancer treatment, and then Friday we are to leave for this two-day trip down south to be with my foo/fam for the memorial service… Ugh   !

Another brick in the wall, in my wall, my boundary, and more for my growing list of “why”…

I think I did pretty good though, I am pretty much numb to her BS now, not much feeling left now,

Thanks for listening,

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

So, I’m assuming she’s talking on the phone with someone and is acting like all is good in life, yet she’s giving you the silent treatment and acting out without explanation.

This compartmentalization seems so characteristic of BPD: similar to black and white thinking, they don’t have an issue with someone else and can be pleasant and friendly, and abruptly switch gears and come at us both barrels blazing.

It’s so easy to get lulled into a comfort zone when they’ve been acting “normally” and then suddenly find the rug pulled out beneath us for no discernible reason.

I had a long run where everything was going along fairly smoothly, only to have an incident yesterday when I tried talking honestly with him about his upcoming surgery tomorrow. He’s having a hip replacement and in my opinion, he seems to be in denial about how disabled he will be afterwards.

Knowing that due to cost constraints, hospitals routinely discharge patients before they’re truly capable of navigating homes that aren’t all on a single level. And the fact that he weighs 80 pounds more than me and that I have rotator cuff injuries—I wanted to make him aware that I might not be physically capable of lifting him and otherwise assisting him if they discharged him before his strength returned and that staying in a skilled nursing facility for a couple of days with visits by a physical therapist might be a good plan.

Well, you can imagine the fireworks that ensued. “You don’t want me at home. You’re sorry you married me. You don’t want to do anything to help me. You want me to go away. I don’t need anything from you, etc.”

We have very different styles of moving through the world. I try to anticipate problems and look for strategies beforehand. He calls that “being negative”.

So many of his behaviors, such as excessive drinking and using prescription drugs have set him up for problems down the road, but in his mind any consequences from his behavior are seemingly random or due to bad luck. He wallows in “poor me” verbiage yet he seemingly has no awareness at how fortunate he truly is and how much worse off so many people are.

Sorry for the hijack.

Cat

[Cat Familiar]

Sorry for the loss of your family member. And sorry that you have a car trip with her to go to the service.

As an outsider I can see how triggering “primary goal of shopping” could be to a pwBPD. I might have said something very similar to trigger my fiasco this weekend.

You and I both are very logic-based thinkers and what seems organized and efficient can seem abrupt and insensitive to our pwBPD. No matter how much we try to “soften” our language so we don’t inadvertently set them off, it seems inevitable from our “just the facts” orientation.

Lots of times I can’t even imagine a way to sugarcoat the truth I need to communicate and even when I try my best, I’m told that I’m being callous. The irony is that they have such delicate ears, yet their mouths are so capable of saying wounding things. SMH!

[Red5]

So, I’m assuming she’s talking on the phone with someone and is acting like all is good in life, yet she’s giving you the silent treatment and acting out without explanation.

This compartmentalization seems so characteristic of BPD: similar to black and white thinking, they don’t have an issue with someone else and can be pleasant and friendly, and abruptly switch gears and come at us both barrels blazing.

It’s so easy to get lulled into a comfort zone when they’ve been acting “normally” and then suddenly find the rug pulled out beneath us for no discernible reason.

Sorry for the hijack.

Cat

Many Happy Returns Cat!, .highjack away 

Yes, u/BPDw was talking with her S30 on the phone, all happy happy happy, smiles, jokes, and such like... .wow !

Its like one minute your watching Friday the 13th on the tele, then somebody switches the channel to Captain Kangaroo !

I've never been able to do that, if I am mad, well;... .I am mad, all of me is angry, and there is no changing that until I cool off.

Most times, when I get that far up a tree, I'll just disappear, and get away from everybody, .and process; until I can be "around folks" again, .time out as it were,

But not u/BPDw... .nope, she just blows up, scattering "it" all over everybody and anybody who happens to be in the way, or else too close, 

But what does it say about pw/BPD psychology?... .is it all a show, a fake?... .to just be able to "switch off", and then smile, laugh, love, and be "pleasant"... .ugh   !

AND THEN... .switch right back to the axe wielding ski mask person  ... ."click" !

Made of glass, fake, empty... .shattered, .

Also, pw/BPD cannot deal with facts, .nope, you can JADE all day long, but if they get it into their head that things need to be re-written in order to get past, to win, to correct and to process the non for punishment (?), .then it does not matter how things really went down, nope, .its going to be re-written in their minds to satisfy... .and woe be tide to the non who may have other ideas, .the punishment must be met !

It will be time to go home in about fifteen minutes, and I dread it... .

What a $HIT show... .

oh' well... .

Red5


 

[Cat Familiar]

Its like one minute your watching Friday the 13th on the tele, then somebody switches the channel to Captain Kangaroo.

My mother was like that. It was remarkable how she could switch gears so quickly.

But what does it say about pw/BPD psychology? ... .is it all a show, a fake? ... .to just be able to "switch off", and then smile, laugh, love, and be "pleasant" ... .ugh   !

AND THEN ... .switch right back to the axe wielding ski mask person   ... ."click" !

LOL! I don’t think it’s fake, I think that they’re so good at compartmentalizing.

Also, pw/BPD cannot deal with facts, ... .nope, you can JADE all day long, but if they get it into their head that things need to be re-written in order to get past, to win, to correct and to process the non for punishment (?), ... .then it does not matter how things really went down, nope, ... .its going to be re-written in their minds to satisfy ... .and woe be tide to the non who may have other ideas, ... .

It endlessly amazed me how my mother could rewrite events. I understand that people can have different interpretations of events, but the basic facts don’t change. Well, they definitely did for her. She would make up stuff in the moment and the next time she recounted the story, the “new” facts were in place. It was impossible to have a differing view, because she knew the “truth”.