Some help in identifying what I am observing - an interesting read.

[goateeki]

Background: 49 y/o male who was married for 19 years to a woman with a remarkable trauma history and, in the end, a BPD diagnosis. Relatively smooth divorce, split custody of the children evenly, and we get along. We actually cooperate, which is good.  My main reason for ending the marriage is that I could not feel that my ex was doing anything other than barely tolerating me. Never said she loved me, never asked about my day, never expressed any interest in anything that made me happy, but put a lot of energy into lecturing me about how to fold the laundry, etc.

Soon after the divorce got into a relationship with a woman somewhat older than me, and we're almost four years into it.  Things have been very good. It has been quite reciprocal, she has been interested in me, and has been more expressive than my ex. I have valued these things.

There are some real stressors in her life. I believe that she drinks too much, and she has said to me that she is ashamed of the way she ended her marriage -- which was, I believe, more or less walking out on her husband to participate in an affair.  Her youngest son (who lives with his father) detests her to the point that he ignores her when she speaks and he will not spend any time with her at all.  Her oldest son (in college) does speak with her, but in my view it is more out of a sense of duty and kindness than anything else. I think he feels bad for her, bit doesn't want to involve himself too deeply in a relationship with her.

Below are the behaviors that I have questions about. I have these questions because sometimes, I just do not know if I am calling things correctly. Some of what I'll describe is unequivocally hurtful and out of bounds, some of it might be inadvertent, but it still does hurt.  All of it has accumulated to the point that it's very hard for me to feel attracted to her, and despite the fact that she is head-turningly beautiful, the last bit of sexual desire that I felt for her seems to have left me.

In January of this year, while eating dinner at a restaurant, she mentioned without prompting a that she (before she met me) met a "really, really hot guy" in a bar and slept with him three times but that he did not love her. It turned out he was married and had a young child. His wife found out, contacted her, and told her to stay away from her husband. The same month, she had a dream about a "really hot young guy. Young guys always want sex." She was so aroused by the dream that she wanted to wake me up to have sex but didn't. Note that there is nothing lacking in our sex life - it's incendiary and she tells me it's the best sex she's ever had. That same month, she remarked that I "go to the bathroom a lot."

February 2018 was a banner month what seems to be the end of our relationship. By February I was being lectured about how tightly I put the caps on bottles (too tight, it seems).  This morphed into "You use too much toilet paper," that my toilet paper use is "a bit OCD," and that I'm "weird." That same month, she described a routine aspect of our sex life as "weird and creepy." Also that month, she embarked upon a campaign to correct my speech in real time -- note that I am a lawyer and speak for a living, I'm quite good at it -- and this included correcting idioms, my infrequent use of "OK?" after positing an idea, and even my choice of words.  For example, me asking "Are you done?" is not good, but me asking "Are you finished?" is fine.  Her ire turned to my best friend soon after. He, in her view, was unable to meet us at a restaurant because "he has no money and if he meets us at a restaurant he might have to pay." This isn't true. My best friend is gainfully employed, while she sits at home engaged in online shopping all day.  Later that month, she turned on her sister, who she told me privately and angrily is "full of ___." It was also in this month that, suddenly, every human male she knew became "ridiculously good looking."  The contradictions and commands grew more robust.  While sitting with my children at the breakfast table and making a simple and wholly accurate statement about the way the immune system behaves after an inoculation (I think that the immune system must still battle a pathogen once it enters the body, even if one has been immunized against it), she jumped on me with "I think you're making that up."

Things continued to deteriorate in March. Every male acquaintance that came up in conversation was "ridiculously good looking," or "super hot," or "super successful." The same was true for virtually every male actor seen in a movie.  At about this time, she broke down males into two categories: "ridiculously good looking," or "creepy."  To her, Gary Oldman is an example of "creepy."  I am not exaggerating when I say that during some periods, these statements were a daily occurrence. Also during March, I got the complete lecture series on toilet paper use, cap tightness, and towel placement. I once took a towel off the rack and placed it on the vanity for my use after a shower, and she thought it was important enough to me know that that was her towel that she opened the shower door and told me so. She placed it back on the rack and put a different, identical towel on the vanity.   My toilet paper use was termed "weird and creepy." I was warned against the phrase "press off" -- as in press off a shirt -- and told that I should omit the "off" and say only "press."  One night, after a few cocktails, she told me that she's "very good at knocking me off [my] high horse." I have no idea why she would say this.  I am as gentle and solicitous with her as I would be with a four year old -- something that I am now thinking is the wrong strategy. 

March culminated in the one of the worst scenes in my life.  While walking to a downtown Manhattan restaurant, she started in on how I should speak to my 13 year old daughter about boys.  I didn't ask for this advice, and I have never told her how to deal with her own children.  We arrived at the restaurant and she told me that she hates the way her friend (a woman) kisses her on the cheek when she greets her. She called it "gross." I said "I'd never thought of that. I kiss [a female mutual friend] on the cheek when I greet her. Maybe I should curtail that." When I say she went ballistic, it is an understatement. She shouted at me (contents below) and left the restaurant. One of the things she said before she left is that I am "weird and creepy." Patrons were looking at her, and at us. It was that bad.     

She said that "there's always been something weird" between me and that friend, that she could "no longer feel safe in [her] own bed with [me]," that I was "playing games." I was shocked by what she was saying, and said "What the hell are you talking about?" Later, at her place, she begged me to not go, and I stayed.  The next day, she was profusely apologetic, and explained that she was in a bad frame of mind because she had recalled a group of friends from 25-30 years ago in a different city, whom she'd recently Googled; they (male) were -- you guessed it, "really, really good looking, so good looking that you couldn't trust them" and they were not -- you guessed it "very successful," but they were bad, and whatever happened 30 years ago was sufficient to make her pissed off at me that night.  Bizarre, I know.

The following day, after again apologizing, she said that she said "I'm really, really worried that I'm not walking around in the mood to have sex with you. I like it when you initiate it, then I want it, but I don't really feel like I want it minute to minute and it worries me a lot."  The day after, I texted her to ask when she could speak on the phone. She replied "oh no, I have this terrible sinking feeling," believing that I was about to dump her. We were unable to speak, but I texted her ":)o not call me weird or creepy. I am not weird or creepy. When you do that, you hurt me. Stop. Don't do it again."  She texted back that I am the furthest thing from weird and creepy, that she loves me and that, in essence, she was grateful that I hadn't dumped her. 

The following weekend, in front of my children, she describes an immigration officer at an airport customs and immigration booth as "really good looking." She encountered this man between 35 and 40 years ago.

Between January and May, she had described the following people in her life as gay or possibly gay: her brother (married, three kids), her best friend (divorced, two kids), her best friend's ex husband (has a steady girlfriend), their son, her own son, and two other couples, both of which are either still married with kids or divorced with kids. In addition to the obvious evidence of hetero orientation, there is no evidence of gayness, and she admits as much. But, she has "always suspected."  While on vacation, she grows concerned about the sun, demands that I wear a cap (her cap) while she uses a different cap, and then says to me that I look "gay" after I put the cap on my head.

April: I am in bed with her, kissing her abdomen as I have 100 times before, and I am told to stop as it is now falls within the category of "weird." And yesterday, after my 13 year old daughter asked me if I was interested in girls in 8th grade, and I respond that yes, I was, she (my girlfriend) says to my daughter -- with palpable disgust -- "that's so creepy."  So now my daughter has been told that her father, when he was her age, was "creepy."   

I have omitted a lot.  There are dozens of corrections to my pronunciation, word choice, use of idioms, and there are also multiple bids on her part to let me know how much she wants me in her life and how proud she is to be with me -- I am a "perfect partner" and she is "so proud to have me by her side" and she's "grateful every day."  Sure doesn't feel like it. 

What in the world am I seeing here?  I feel like she's losing her mind, or her interest in me.  I am a former catalog model, successful, easy to live with, and for the life of me, I cannot see what has caused this sudden change.  She is ten years older than me, still very, very good looking, and desirable my any measure.  I am at a loss to understand what's going on, and don't know what to make of the conflicting messages.  It's as if she's two different people, or she's very passive aggressively trying to cause me to end the relationship.   

[Skip]

Is there something that she feels resentful about? What is t he reoccurring fight in the relationship?

[goateeki]

Skip, I do not know what she could feel resentful about though her behavior does seem an exhibit of resentment, doesn't it?  The only thing I can think of is something that happened about 2.5 years ago.  One evening, she was drinking in two-fisted fashion, one after another. I didn't say anything at the time because her children were there, but I didn't want to be around her the following weekend. I made no plans with her, she confronted me about it, and I told her -- and I quote -- "I'm concerned about the drinking."  This caused her to slowly lose control, and three months later she started picking fights over what I'd said to her three months before.  The following month (about four months after I told her I was concerned about her drinking), through an absolute fluke that required me to sign in to match.com to cancel a membership that had automatically renewed, I discovered that she had updated her dating profile and was seeking someone new. It included pictures of her that I had taken of her, including our vacations, and it even described those vacations as recent exciting trips she'd been on.  Classy, right? 

I let her know that I'd found out, and ended the relationship.  She tried reaching me through proxies and I ignored her completely for around six weeks, when I agreed to see her. Again, profusely apologetic and downplayed the significance of what she'd done.  She mentioned this event again, about two weeks ago, with indignation.  I know how judgmental this sounds, but my growing impression about her is that she is never responsible for her own bad actions, she never lets go of a slight, and she'll make people pay and pay for those slights.  In fact, the night of the blow out that saw her shout at me and run out of the restaurant, she said that he ex husband "will be paying for the rest of his life."  I'd never seen such ugly behavior before, and I wonder if this is what's in store for me.  So, to answer your question, I know only that she never forgets. It could be anything.

I find it almost impossible now to be attracted to her. If she's trying to force a breakup, she's doing a wonderful job. 

[Skip]

I know how judgmental this sounds, but my growing impression about her is that she is never responsible for her own bad actions, she never lets go of a slight, and she'll make people pay and pay for those slights. 

I would give her a little space (pouting and guilt free) - spend less time, make it more fun. See what happens.

I find it almost impossible now to be attracted to her. If she's trying to force a breakup, she's doing a wonderful job. 

She got on a dating sight. She's putting you down. Something is clearly bugging her. She may not even know - and asking may complicate things more.

I would listen carefully. Try to figure it out.

[Cat Familiar]

I don’t mean to be the skunk at a garden party, but you’ve been married to a woman with BPD before. I wonder if you had a parent with BPD?

Having been married to two men with BPD and having a mother with BPD, I found that I was far more tolerant of strange behavior than most people.

I look at some of what you’ve described and it makes me wonder if you haven’t hooked up with yet another pwBPD.

[goateeki]

Cat Familiar, not a parent, but I do think that my marriage made me perhaps too tolerant of this, and I believe that my GF has some issues, for sure. And I'm accountable for my present situation.

[Red5]

I discovered that she had updated her dating profile and was seeking someone new. It included pictures of her that I had taken of her, including our vacations, and it even described those vacations as recent exciting trips she'd been on.  Classy, right?  

I know how judgmental this sounds, but my growing impression about her is that she is never responsible for her own bad actions, she never lets go of a slight, and she'll make people pay and pay for those slights.

In fact, the night of the blow out that saw her shout at me and run out of the restaurant, she said that he ex husband "will be paying for the rest of his life."  

I'd never seen such ugly behavior before, and I wonder if this is what's in store for me.  So, to answer your question, I know only that she never forgets. It could be anything.

Afternoon Goateeki,

"She said that he; ex husband "will be paying for the rest of his life."  -  "I'd never seen such ugly behavior before, and I wonder if this is what's in store for me."

Wow & hmmm, that's a pretty big clue imho,

What does your "gut" tell you,

Said another way, what does your intuition tell you about what things will be like in your future, considering what you; yourself, .have not allowed 'yourself'... .to forget thus far.

I see lots of red flags here ,

A wise friend once told me, "if you want to know how your soon 2B ex wife will treat you when things inevitably go south, just take a good long look at how her previous bloke faired, before you came along"... .very good advise I think !

Be careful,

Red5

[SamwizeGamgee]

It's been a day since your post.  Let's reflect.  Can you please re-read your descriptions of the patterns of behavior to yourself?  
And this time, include in your head all the bad stuff that you allude to.  Note, that these aren't flukes on a bad day.  What you are describing are consistent patterns.

Then pretend that your brother, son, or best friend described his situation like you described yours.  :)o you think there would be a problem with the woman you describe?
I know that only you can decide what direction to take in this relationship. But, remember that you _can_ decide what happens.  I think your gut knows more than you're saying.  What would present self tell past self about getting deeper into this relationship?

I have observed that when we tend to note terrible behaviors in those close to us, we cover them up with our idealization of the good behaviors.  As though sex, head-turning good looks, great cooking, charming personality (part-time), business savvy, or what ever "makes up" for the darkest parts of the person.  I no longer look at it as a balance sheet, in which enough good can erase the harm done by the bad.  I think of it as the spoonful of sugar that helps the poison go down.  Rhetorically, how much poison is enough?  How much sugar will it take for you to stay in a damaging relationship?  

If there is real damage, or if the person is toxic, you should be aware.  :)ecide and act when it feels right for you.
 

[SamwizeGamgee]

I find it almost impossible now to be attracted to her. If she's trying to force a breakup, she's doing a wonderful job. 

QED

[Panda39]

(Married to an alcoholic for 20 years - so slightly triggered  )

You called her out on her drinking... .she's in denial she gets defensive... .she starts picking fights and blaming you.  Got to make you the bigger problem, got to take the focus off her drinking. She doesn't take responsibility for her actions and shifts blame for the relationship issues on to you.

Could she have been drinking during some of her off the cuff remarks mentioned at the beginning of your post?

Panda39

[Cromwell]

if she is near the same age as you it could be due to hormonal changes in the perimenopause years. Have there been any changes in her menstrual cycle. Just one thing that could be ruled out but could also explain a lot of the changes what you have mentioned.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Cromwell, she's 59, well past menopause. Yes, we women can get a bit odd due to hormonal shifts around 50, but this is totally wacky, well into personality disorder territory or mental illness.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I recall being utterly disheartened and confused when the best explanation I could come up with for my marriage dynamic was that PMS might actually last four weeks per month.
Way, way, before I stumbled on the idea of personality disorders.
I wish I could go back and do things over.

[Circle]

Goateeki,
Great original post; well written, great recording of observations, at times funny, insightful and disheartening.
You also have some of the best replies possible.
I can only agree with Cat Familiar, Red5 and Sam Gamgee.
This is serious stuff.
Like everyone else, I have been there too.
The physical love and beauty really aren't worth it, are they?
I don't have anything to say that everyone else hasn't already said.
Yet, you have all the evidence you need.
This person is acting like a mad hatter.
And, it only gets worse and worse.
How much longer are you going to expose yourself to this madness?
How much longer are you going to expose your children to this?
I hope that you can find the strength sooner than later.

[goateeki]

All, thanks for the great responses.  The people on bpdfamily continue to impress me as some of the most thoughtful I've come across. 

I've been mulling all of this over and I think I should make clear (I probably did not in my original post) that this woman treats me like a prince 90% or 95% of the time.  It's one of the things that makes the strange episodes so strange. There have been a few times where she has turned on a dime and I feel as if I am confronted with a totally different person.  Since my original post, I have changed my own response to this stuff from quietly alarmed withdrawal (which means I am less available) to a calm and thoughtful "It hurts when you behave like this and I don't know why you do." I stick to that and I don't elaborate on that theme at all. I stay out of the weeds.  It has worked, so far. She is apologetic and her behavior has improved markedly. It's as if she needed just the right push back to look inside and think about her behavior. If I'm correct, then it vindicates what seems to be taught in the resources on this site about calmly enforced boundaries.

I might not have mentioned that she is quite estranged from her youngest son, who is finishing high school. He ignores her. He has been diagnosed with OCD and ADD, but he manages to do very well academically.  Nonetheless, his treatment of her affects her outlook and sometimes I feel that she's so hurt by this that she's barely hanging on.

I know that we should avoid diagnosing our partners, but sometimes I think it helps to built a lens through which we can better seen and understand behavior.  I think that it is possible that she is mildly bipolar. She has a very hard time with winter weather.  And in looking at Bipolar II, I found something interesting.

Bipolar II is sometimes accompanied by delusions and paranoia.  I have seen her act paranoid only a few times, and it seems to fit in with a depressed phase.  But the paranoia about the sexual orientation of others in her life -- this is just bizarre to me.  When she has spoken this way, it is again during what i would call a depressed phase. When she has spoken this way, it really is disturbing, and one can't help but feel she isn't interpreting reality correctly. 

My question is not whether she has Bipolar II or any other illness.  My question is, what could the sexual orientation paranoia signify?  There is no way that she is anything other than 100% hetero. I don't think I've   met a woman who likes men and enjoys being a woman more than she.  Really, she likes men.  If there is something that is the opposite of homosexual, she is that.  So why the suspicions that everyone around her is gay?  It seems so strange to me.     

[PeteWitsend]

I recall being utterly disheartened and confused when the best explanation I could come up with for my marriage dynamic was that PMS might actually last four weeks per month.
Way, way, before I stumbled on the idea of personality disorders.
I wish I could go back and do things over.

LOL, I remember reading posts from people about tracking & journaling their pwBPD's behavior, and thereby identifying patterns that helped them get them therapy or medication to help curb the excessive behavior. 

I tried that.  I dutifully noted good days, bad days, fights, and outbursts for a month.  Then when I looked back and saw "bad days" and fights all over the place, with no discernable pattern, I was like "BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD... ."