Questions about my next step with UBPDH living separately

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone, I have been a member here for more than three years.  At first, I was trying to improve my relationship with UBPDH.  Then I move to Detaching... .now I find myself needing input or advice about the  divorce process. 

In late January, after weeks of constant arguing,  my husband flipped out and pushed me out of the house, slapped me and threatened to kill me and himself if I came back.  I did not want to involve the police. I think that was my codependent self still trying to protect him.  There were no witnesses to this, that have come forward, even though it happened in our front yard.  Well I fled the house with clothes on my back and an old car.  I stayed with my daughter and family until two weeks ago when I moved into my own place.

I didn’t have contact with my husband for about 10 days.  He sent me a text apologizing latest abuse and for abuse during our relationship.  I saved it several places.  Since then he has been alternately nice and then abusive in our communication.  We own a house and have finances in common.  I have saved some abusive, ranting voicemails.

He is angry that I “abandoned and turned my back on him”.  I haven’t retained a lawyer.  I made an appointment with one and she cancelled on me and turned out to be kind of flaky so I got a little leery of making another appointment. 

He and I, during a more calm moment, had discussed selling our home, paying off our debts, and then divorcing.  Kind of clean and nobody trying to screw the other around.

He is living in our home, I have moved most of my own things out of the house.  We lived there 25 years, so there is a lot of stuff.  I’m glad that neither of us are hoarders! 

He is buying his own home and signs the papers soon.  Well yesterday he asked me to walk the dog while he wasn’t going to be home.  I was close by visiting my mom in the nursing home.  I said sure.  I tried to be gone by the time he got home, but he arrived and said we have to make a game plan on getting the house ready to sell.  I interpret this as code for - you have to make all the arrangements to get the house ready and then put it up for sale even though I am being uncooperative.  He has stated that he isn’t putting any more “sweat equity “ into the house.  But, he thinks I should of course.  Any repairs require appointments and financing and he has been uncooperative about both. 

He yelled at me to “get out of his house” and that “my world was going to be turned upside down soon”.  I know him very well and he swings back and forth.  I usually take these kinds of threats with a grain of salt.  However, I am a little worried because he is saying I abandoned the house. 

I’m ready to divorce, but don’t have thousands of dollars to spend on attorney fees.  I’m going to get my own checking account today. 

For people with experience or expertise in this, what should I do next?  What advice do you have about the legalities, etc.? 

Thanks so much, input is appreciated.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello everyone, I have been a member here for more than three years.  At first, I was trying to improve my relationship with UBPDH.  Then I move to Detaching... .now I find myself needing input or advice about the  divorce process. 

In late January, after weeks of constant arguing,  my husband flipped out and pushed me out of the house, slapped me and threatened to kill me and himself if I came back.  I did not want to involve the police. I think that was my codependent self still trying to protect him.  There were no witnesses to this, that have come forward, even though it happened in our front yard.  Well I fled the house with clothes on my back and an old car.  I stayed with my daughter and family until two weeks ago when I moved into my own place.

I didn’t have contact with my husband for about 10 days.  He sent me a text apologizing latest abuse and for abuse during our relationship.  I saved it several places.  Since then he has been alternately nice and then abusive in our communication.  We own a house and have finances in common.  I have saved some abusive, ranting voicemails.

He is angry that I “abandoned and turned my back on him”.  I haven’t retained a lawyer.  I made an appointment with one and she cancelled on me and turned out to be kind of flaky so I got a little leery of making another appointment. 

He and I, during a more calm moment, had discussed selling our home, paying off our debts, and then divorcing.  Kind of clean and nobody trying to screw the other around.

He is living in our home, I have moved most of my own things out of the house.  We lived there 25 years, so there is a lot of stuff.  I’m glad that neither of us are hoarders! 

He is buying his own home and signs the papers soon.  Well yesterday he asked me to walk the dog while he wasn’t going to be home.  I was close by visiting my mom in the nursing home.  I said sure.  I tried to be gone by the time he got home, but he arrived and said we have to make a game plan on getting the house ready to sell.  I interpret this as code for - you have to make all the arrangements to get the house ready and then put it up for sale even though I am being uncooperative.  He has stated that he isn’t putting any more “sweat equity “ into the house.  But, he thinks I should of course.  Any repairs require appointments and financing and he has been uncooperative about both. 

He yelled at me to “get out of his house” and that “my world was going to be turned upside down soon”.  I know him very well and he swings back and forth.  I usually take these kinds of threats with a grain of salt.  However, I am a little worried because he is saying I abandoned the house. 

I’m ready to divorce, but don’t have thousands of dollars to spend on attorney fees.  I’m going to get my own checking account today. 

For people with experience or expertise in this, what should I do next?  What advice do you have about the legalities, etc.? 

Thanks so much, input is appreciated.

[prof]

Hi mustbeabetteryway,

I'm sorry that you're going through this!  I'm in the middle of a divorce myself.

I would think that your first step should be to interview some more lawyers.  I'm sorry that the first one didn't work.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Prof,

Thanks for the reply and the encouragement.  I made an appointment with another attorney today.  Can’t see her for two weeks which is okay with me.  I haven’t been in a rush and this is a big step, but a necessary one.  The relationship is over.  He left a phone message today for me to come and get the dog because he is going on a date and will not be home this weekend.  WTH no reason for him to say any of that except to be vindictive. I refuse to respond to that provocation. 

 

[ForeverDad]

He and I, during a more calm moment, had discussed selling our home, paying off our debts, and then divorcing.  Kind of clean and nobody trying to screw the other around.

He is living in our home, I have moved most of my own things out of the house... .

He is buying his own home and signs the papers soon... .he said we have to make a game plan on getting the house ready to sell... .  I interpret this as code for - you have to make all the arrangements to get the house ready and then put it up for sale even though I am being uncooperative.  He has stated that he isn’t putting any more “sweat equity “ into the house.  But, he thinks I should of course.  Any repairs require appointments and financing and he has been uncooperative about both.

... .However, I am a little worried because he is saying I abandoned the house.

Do not sign any papers regarding properties, whether deeds, mortgages, quit claims, etc, without first getting specific legal advice.  Laws vary from state to state.  It's possible that he may try to get you to sign away rights your state grants to long term, married individuals.  Right now you are still considered married until the final decree.  Your lawyer may direct you to refuse to sign certain papers until whatever goals or requirements are met.  Your lawyer may even tell you to stay quiet and not tell your ex he's making a blunder since it will provide you more Leverage later on in the divorce.  My point, there may even be times you don't share information with your ex so you don't enable your ex to have more Leverage over you.

As some have commented here over the years, I think david was one, "you know when the ex is lying, when the ex's mouth is moving."  Sadly, you can't trust whatever ex is claiming since an acting-out disordered ex generally cares only for his/her own self-centered interests.