Any advice for a child stuck in the middle?

[helpingkml]

My step child is packing to move out as I type this.

She has really struggled with living in a world between her dad's home and her mom. She moved in with us 5 years ago. She came voluntarily and has been successful in school and with her jobs. Her father has court appointed custody.

Unfortunately, she has struggled with familial and social relationships, especially during her senior year when a series of poor choices leading to upsetting consequences threw us all for a loop. While the consequences were pretty serious, it was the lying that put her at risk for the consequences that really stunned us. To this day, she still lies and has an entire "secret" life.

My step daughter's mother is an abusive woman through her words and mistreatment. She has called this child a b**** on her 16th birthday. She has told this child she was sorry that she overcame her illnesses and failure to thrive as an infant. She's called her spoiled because, according to the mother, her child gets everything she wants. As two working class folks, I can assure that has not been the case, but we could provide differently than mom could. We also have different jobs that allowed our most important resource of time for the extracurriculars. The child was given grief about that too. When she lived with her mom, she was not fed, not sent to school, and was not allowed to participate in extracurricular activities due to a lack of funds though a generous child support was given for the siblings and this daughter who lived there for three years until she came to us seeking a more stable home life.

While living here, especially as high school was drawing to a close, she's vacillated between accepting the support we give (time, love, money for the normal things) and absolute resistance saying that her siblings have to pay their ways and it's not fair that she gets to be a kid and have us pay her way. That lasts about two weeks and then it goes back to "normal" only to repeat the pattern a few months down the road. Her mother is jealous, broken and has always pitted the kids against one another.

Tonight this child has decided that she can no longer take her dad's "control" over her (he just asked where she was going, when she was returning and for her to touch base upon arrival at her friend's, nothing unreasonable). Tonight, when she was caught being somewhere across town where she wasn't supposed to be (not forbidden, just not where she said), she came unwound with her dad. Ultimately it came out what we had always suspected was true, she was being manipulated by her mother.

Her father will be going to court to stop child support for the no longer minor child who still lives with the mother. When that happens, the POSSIBILITY of the off-setting child support would have to be paid to my husband who, with the support of the judge, would refuse it as we don't need it, it's only $200/mo. It turns out the mother has guilted this child into believing that she's going to have to emancipate herself and move out so mom won't have to pay the child support to her dad.

This fragile child who has struggled at home and at school because of the poor choices she made last summer. and who has been broken by her mother's mistreatment is now completely convinced that she's not worthy of her father's and her step-mother's love is now going to move out tomorrow. She's been 18 for two weeks and will graduate next week. She has no plan, no place to go and has packed everything she has here to get out because her mother has her convinced that she doesn't deserve to be here.  She has convinced herself that she doesn't deserve our love and has made herself completely repellent trying to vilify herself to justify moving out and making her own way. She's already talked herself out of 4 year college down to trade school because none of her other siblings chose college. That happened just this last week. She was accepted to several state universities and one out of state.

She's terrified we will be mad at her when she leaves. We've watched her wear out all of her friends this year by smothering them, but also using them to cover all her lies. She has pushed us all away (her dad, me, my family, her paternal grandparents and aunts on this side). She has a secret life, boyfriend, etc. She tells us that she pushes away people because she can't help it. She villified her father and me.

While she has NOT been diagnosed with BPD, I honestly believe that she has BPD. She exhibits so many of the things that I have read. I have worked with teens for nearly 3 decades. This is beyond acting out.

We're at a loss. What would you do if your child wanted to move out. She does have a job, but it pays very little. She's turned down our offer to help with college and is convinced it's her lot in life to pay for her own college completely. That only she can do for herself, as it's not fair that her dad didn't pay for the other three siblings to get post HS educations.

Ugh... .admittedly her father and I are weak when it comes to not reacting and listening with empathy. We're trying, but we're human. Help us learn your ways.

She plans to leave tomorrow. She is going to leave the car and the cell phone because her father pays for them. I am tied up with a commitment with my mother so I told her that I was very sorry that she wasn't willing to come to an agreement with her dad about checking in, that I wouldn't be home tomorrow to see her off, that she did NOT have to take on the entire world alone (she's convinced otherwise), and that whoever told her that she's not worthy of love deserves to be punished because she IS worthy of love and worthy of being cared for. When I told her that, she began to cry. It was after she came home fuming because her father caught her in several lies tonight that she told me that he was unreasonable and she was moving out tomorrow that her father (who works shift work) contacted me to tell me his side of the blow up about the lies and that she has been told by her mom that she's required to go to court to emancipate herself. So, we're putting together the fact that she's being told she can't stay here because mom can't  and doesn't want to pay the child support.  

What a terrible spot for this child.  Help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi helpingkml

Welcome to the bpdfamily

My first reaction to your post is Wow!, how lucky your step daughter is to have you and her father.  It is so clear how much you care about both of them and I really commend you in sticking by and looking for answers in what must be such an incredibly difficult and emotionally challenging time.

Notwithstanding the acrimony/manipulation that exists in a fundamentally broken/unhealthy breakup, your step daughter is an adult and is making her choices.  In terms of whether or not she has BPD, she has not pushed you away - you are here talking to us and loving her - she has pulled herself away for the moment - no more or less.  You will always be there as a constant as she ebbs and flows, but in doing that you will set your own boundaries to take care of your hearts as much as hers.  This is no doubt a very delicate balance.

On that note, I encourage you to come here and share, we all learn from each other without judgement.  I am relatively new here too and I could not have gotten through this without the wonderful support and guidance from other parents, my 27 year old daughter is high functioning BPD.  What has worked well for me is engaging here on an ongoing basis, reading as much as I can both here on the board and through other resources, talking to a therapist and leaning on my closet of friends and family.

The stress of what your family is going through is monumental and life changing.  Above all else, find some sanctuary to sustain you everyday.

Keep coming here and posting, we all here to support you.

Hugs to you

Merlot

[helpingkml]

The stress of what your family is going through is monumental and life changing.  Above all else, find some sanctuary to sustain you everyday.

Keep coming here and posting, we all here to support you.

Hugs to you

Merlot

First, Merlot, thank you for reading that.

We made it through the night. She packed up her room. She has not told her dad she's leaving. She only told me. I told her that I was sorry she felt that she could not come to an adult agreement about what's appropriate behavior and what are reasonable boundaries for an evolving adult. I also asked that she not leave a mess when she left tomorrow. I didn't ask her to stay. I didn't tell her to leave and that I was sorry that she felt that this is not the place for her.

I did feel that she and her father would escalate without my being here. She knows how to push his buttons. She watched her mother do it for eons. So, my inlaws are here because she won't escalate with them around. She has a great deal of respect for them.

She's hauled out her garbage and says that she cleaned last night. I suppose that she'll move out once everyone leaves.

I get so mad, hurt, frustrated and sad with her and the constant lying and the gas lighting, but I know in the end it's she alone who has to see through world to a very broken lens.

So, I will update and if anyone can offer any other advice, I would appreciate it and will check in after I go on a errand with my mother.

Love... .

[Merlot]

Hi helpingkml

She packed up her room. She has not told her dad she's leaving. She only told me. I told her that I was sorry she felt that she could not come to an adult agreement about what's appropriate behavior and what are reasonable boundaries for an evolving adult. I also asked that she not leave a mess when she left tomorrow. I didn't ask her to stay. I didn't tell her to leave and that I was sorry that she felt that this is not the place for her.

I did feel that she and her father would escalate without my being here. She knows how to push his buttons.

I'm very inspired by your calm approach.  You seem to be so self aware of the dynamics that are going on and it's allowing you to be mindful about your engagement with your step daughter/husband which includes much validation and it seems like she really trusts you.  I think sometimes having a significant "other" is really helpful while you husband/stepdaughter/ex-wife are possibly entrenched in well-established patterns of behaviour.   Sometimes you just have to get through the crisis.  Hopefully when it passes, there is an opportunity for reflection, self evaluation and learning.  I'm sure you will be pivotal in gently guiding both your stepdaughter and husband in this regard to support them both; what a difficult position this is for you, but you are doing great  . 

How have you found the information on the board?  There is much to consider in how it might apply in your circumstances to ellicit small changes for the better.

Personally, it's taken me many months of soul searching and reflection, even while dealing with crisis and grief to map out a clear path for me and it has not been possible without the guidance from many people here and so I'm glad you are here so that we can support you too.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

Take care each and every day.

Merlot

[helpingkml]

To update anyone who's reading... .

I was busy driving my elderly (don't tell her) mother to a funeral and attending a monthly meeting for a women's organization into which I was elected an officer. They were one time deals that I could not miss.

My in-laws came over to be the buffer as my step-daughter was finally brave enough to say she couldn't stay any longer. When asked why, she told my husband what she told me that she could "no longer take it" here. She wouldn't give reasons and I suppose that is her prerogative. She instead threw a ginormous fit much like she did when she was 13 and moved in here (by her choice). She said hurtful things to her (only) grandparents and to her dad. I was already gone and what was said about me, my husband and in-laws have insulated from that bit of venom.

I fell in love with this girl. She really needed a mother when I met her at 11. She took my hand and chatted me along a half mile walk. In the months after my husband married, she came for her visitations. I always gave space to them. She needed me, but she really needed him.

Much of what we experienced during the past five years was normal teen stuff, but there were underlying behaviors that came out on occasion that were beyond routine acting out, not keeping friends, having massive falling outs with friends from which never to recover, souring my relationship with my in-laws to the point where they wouldn't speak to me at all, being outwardly mean to me when her dad wasn't around, but there were many very good times so I figured it was just being from a broken marriage and having a cruel mother. With that said, this past year has been hell, much of it exacted on her dad and me.

I am cleaning out her bathroom and airing out her room. I have found that most of the trinkets that I had picked up for her along the way, she left behind.

One more fact is that she is the ONLY of my husband's four children who will graduate in the traditional way. His first was a senior the year of the divorce. He stopped at mid-year, elected not to "walk" and chose boot camp instead, the middle siblings both dropped out. Her mother is jealous. She has been. This is NOT a contest. We didn't help this child to "win" in any way. We've poured into them all and love them all, but she is the ONLY one who lived with us so we did do more for her. Her mom has never let her forget that, ever.

I am crushed. I cannot fathom how much this has hurt my husband.

Ugh!

[MomMae]

Hello helpingkml,

I just wanted to pipe in and say that I think you are amazing! Being a step-mom isn't easy, yet here you are being an amazing mother, spouse and person through the most difficult circumstances imaginable.  Both your step-daughter and your husband are so fortunate to have you in their corner.

What a difficult situation with her bio Mom doing everything she can to undermine you, your husband and her own daughter.  It seems that you are doing everything right, helpingkml, despite the horrible circumstances and hurt.  I will point out the lessons on the right hand side of this page   You may find some further hints and resources that could help you with your interactions with your step D.

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, helpingkml.  All of us on this board have or are presently walking a similar dark and lonely path.  It is so painful; we understand that.  Please know that you are not alone.

  MomMae

[helpingkml]

   

Thanks for the kind words. Cleaning out the rooms is my therapy and I don't want to re-open this wound weeks down the road. I'd rather handle it now. I am not scrubbing clean her presence or removing evidence of her, but just deep cleaning dirt behind a teen's housekeeping. Most of them aren't tidy, are they? Anyway, if she were to come back in her current state of mind, removing all evidence of her would wound her further and she doesn't need that.  I doubt she will return, but in case she does, I will not pour salt into her wound.

I will say that it's taking every fiber of my being NOT to trash everything she left behind.


Just lift us up in happy, thoughts and prayers, we would appreciate it. We are so broken hearted.

The funny thing about this kind mental health issue is that it's nearly impossible to explain to others not going through it. Trying to explain to others that your kid is not just a brat and suffering from something other than adolescence that makes them behave that way is nearly impossiible.

Intellectually, I know that the lens through which she perceives the world is woefully distorted. Emotionally, I am crushed. I do feel for her, as I am not the one who has to look at the entire world with that lens and navigate my course that way.

She pulled away... .she pulled away... .she pulled away... .likely not personal... .likely not personal... .likely not personal... .regardless... .we're are crushed ::sigh::