I have a curious question that really is pure curiosity and not a ploy to get myself back with my ex but here it is : when you got back together after a recycle or even to an extent never split or the oppositeyou left them and came back , how or did you manage to regain their trust ? I’m not talking about getting back the honeymoon period I mean how did they or how are they trusting you again? Enough to stay I mean ?

Hi Shawnlam,

Can you tell us a bit more please? Why is trust such an issue? Does she often say she does not trust you? Is this a theme between you?

take care, pearl.

 

It's interesting that you asked "how do you get them to trust YOU enough to stay", because I feel like the dominant question is usually "how do you trust THEM enough to stay?"  But your question is truly valid and on point, because it is really the trust the person with BPD has in us that is actually the shakiest.  I know I often forget that my wife's trust issues are just as valid as my own, and it's an important thing to keep in mind.  People with BPD often DO have trouble trusting anyone.  They've often been hurt a LOT in childhood, which is why they have the disorder in the first place.  That can make it difficult to put faith into anyone, even later in life. 

I have had to learn (and relearn, usually the hard way) that there is just a lot about my wife that is completely OUT of my control.  I have had to accept the possibility that she could (at any time) have an emotional flare-up that is so bad it could cause her to leave me- maybe for a few days; maybe forever.  I believe that being in a serious relationship with someone with BPD is always going to be an emotional risk, because I know I can't control her emotions, and I know she can't always control them either.

All that I feel I can do in terms of gaining and keeping her trust are: validate her emotions (even when they seem irrational), have patience with her, set my own boundaries (emotional and otherwise), and give her emotional support (think "cheerleader", NOT "coach".  And one more really important thing in my relationship: I have to give her SPACE and TIME when she asks for it.  Often, when they are in the midst of an emotional flare-up, the worse thing you can do is push them to talk about it.  Give them whatever time they need to "cool down" before you try and talk.  My wife usually takes 5 to 30 minutes to "cool down", and then she is ready to talk calmly.

But the "key" I feel is in accepting that you can't change who they are.  They are going to have flare-ups.  They are going to get mad and stomp off in a fuss.  Sometimes, they might even pack up and leave for a while.  I feel that a person with BPD needs a partner who is going to be understanding about that; be forgiving about that.  That's NOT to say you're not allowed to be upset.  But I think you have to learn how to be upset and be understanding at the same time.  You have to realize that the emotional flare-ups are NOT directed at you, even though they probably feel that way.  Those are OLD emotions resurfacing, and they usually have NOTHING to do with what is really going on at the time. 

It's confusing sometimes, but I got used to it.  I still have problems sometimes, and I come here for help or talk to my own therapist.  I journal a lot.  I go on a lot of long walks.  But, at the end of the day, I love this woman and wouldn't change her if I could.  She's strong and has fought a lot of battles to be with me.  I just have to have faith that will never change.

Wish you the best!  Hope this helped a little.

I just want to add that in a place where feelings = facts, today they may "feel" you can be trusted, then the planets misalign, and they 'feel" they have never been able to trust you.

Short answer - you can't make them trust you, or rely on it once they do.  It will morph and sift with their emotions.

Long answer - I believe over time some things can be addressed, slowly, through demonstration rather than words.

I SHOW H I am not abandoning him, that I return when I say I will, that I am by his side as possible.  In that case, my actions are validating "enough" for the most part. 

There seems to be a common belief that the right WORDS can get through to a pwBPD.  I think the right words can help stave off a fight, or a rage, in some cases, but that ACTIONS, consistent actions, do the most good.

Shawn, the first part of restoring trust is truly understanding what trust has been violated. We need to have a crystal clear understanding of that from the perspective of the other person. There are a number of things that follow after that, but the all important first step is understanding how the other person feels violated.

I've followed your story and I think you would find more relationship satisfaction if you could develop stronger empathy skills. When you get hurt/offended, it becomes all about you, and you push hard to have your needs addressed and you tend to assign malicious intent (or psycho) to most of her actions

This is a natural reaction. We're men. We all react negatively to a relationship when it is on the down-slide and we all react negatively to not being respected - just like everyone else. The more mature man, who wants to save a sinking relationship, steps back, balances himself (possibly with the help of friends), and takes on the difficult task of trying to understand what is going on in their partners world that is causing them to be reacting in the way they are. This is where we are called upon to be strong. This is the strength that women look for from a man in a relationship.

Armed with a clear understanding of what is going on with the other person and how we are affecting them by our actions, is critical to changing those actions to be more favorable to the relationship. When we run with our feelings, that is a immature man's reaction. When we run with our heart and with the other persons well-being high in our priorities, that is a mature reaction.

she couldn’t trust me anymore and that everything was my fault

This was your answer to "why is trust an issue". I particularity note the highlighted part. She didn't say that. You tagged her with that malicious intent. You are not hearing her (empathy) - you are, instead, judging and devaluing her. And she feels it.

You can't build trust in this mindset.

What is she saying? From your notes, I think it is very clear. I don't see you trying to grasp it... .you seem to be avoiding it, even when people point it out.

I think it became clear to her, after months, that you weren't going to grasp it and she let go.

I'm not saying that she handled things well. She didn't. I am saying that when she got spooked in December, you over-pursued, and you pouted, and you threatened... .and every step of the way, she withdrew more and more. You were tossing acid on her and she was avoiding you in a passive aggressive way (that's how people react when they feel bullied, real or perceived).

Even knowing what you knew about her concerns and the advice you got here, you chose to block her again - and the next day she broke up with you.  Two weeks earlier, when you cut her some slack, she was very responsive.

You had a clear contrast between the two approaches.

I think you might struggle to see the big picture. Rather than, "OK, lets slow this down", you got caught up in "I'm not taking that behavior from anyone, I'm outahere". To her that sounded like "I don't care about your feelings - I'm focused on mine".

This is the damage that would need to be repaired. Trust that you will accept her feelings without over-pursuit, anger, pouting, judgement, and threats.

That would take a very different outlook on life, her, the disorder, and yourself. You would need to change from strong / demanding to strong / understanding / benevolent.  You would need to be "understanding / benevolent" and not feel weak or humiliated in doing so.


She got this message - over and over.

You are entitled to think this. But it does say that you two are not a good match. You both need a person with strong empathy skills. There are others out there.

And skip it wasn’t bullying it’s called having a set of ba//s and not letting a woman disrespect and walk all over you BPD or no BPD . feeling bullied come on ,I didn’t let the child take her tantrums and then apologize when she was upset ? Ummm too bad .


I blocked her because she needs to be trained to respect people and she was responsive after because she knew she was wrong the whole time .


This had nothing to do with my ego ,never ever have I had issues in all my past relationships when it comes to respect both ways .The big picture is don’t take crap from anyone abuse is abuse ,don’t think people with BPD don’t know they are doing it ,they know big time... .no free pass for them.They want empathy ,don’t abuse people.They want to be loved and not abandoned,don’t abuse people.What happens when you abuse people ,consequences.

She got this message - over and over.[/quote]

Honestly I’m glad she did and she stopped her BS and left  imagine playing this game once married with kids,14 years later and off she goes with a new guy on an emotional tantrum .

Interesting Question, my pwBPD and I split for two years around 7 years ago. We have been back together for 5 years but in truth I have never felt fully TRUSTED, and has been getting worse again lately. There is never a question of if I trust her or not enough to stay together. I have been through enough and know enough that I can never fully trust her and have some acceptance of that.

But a recent case, due to a very very long waiting list to get into any counselling here (up to 5-6 months) I was briefly seeing the counsellor my wife was seeing but always thought of it as a temporary stop gap. When I told my wife I had a new appointment with a new counsellor she told me "you think we are all against you" when I said I wanted my own independent help and was threatened I saw someone else. Got grilled for almost an hour after I got back from the first appointment, even mentioned to my new therapist about my apprehension getting my own support because of the mistrust, and that I fully expected to get questioned/grilled about everything as soon as I get home as she doesnt have her own counsellor to keep tabs on me.

I go back and forth with how much the TRUST my pwBPD has in ME with pretty much everything I do, whether it is enough to be able to stay in the relationship or not.

I would be lying if I said that the Trust in me thing doesn't bother me on a regular basis. It has created a lot of resentment and self esteem issues that may not ever go away. I have to keep reminded myself the trust thing is her insecurities and not a reflection on my abilities or intentions. But it still lingers in the back of my mind with everything that I do or think, constantly have to ask myself how is this going to be taken on face value? what possible areas of mistrust can I expect? I find myself going above and beyond explaining what I am doing and why constantly becuase of the expectation of being accused of some alterior motive.

If it wasnt periodic and that during the good times, they can be really good, I probably wouldnt be able to stay. Sometimes it goes through periods where I will get pissed off and frustrated with being mistrusted constantly and shut myself off / avoidance for a number of days. It always seems to calm down, we have amazing sex for a few days, and then starts to go back again.