I found this to be very helpful in understanding my  BPD daughter's thinking. Nothing will make the pain any easier as you all know. This article did make me cry for my daughter. I hope it resonates with many of you.


God Bless Her for being so upfront and Honest. God Bless our Children and us as well, we are all victims of this horrible disorder.

Thank you for sharing this. It makes me cry for my daughter whom I know suffers so much.

I sobbed greatly when I first read it, Ill be sharing a couple of more insights from those with BPD. That have helped me continue on in the hopes that God and my daughter will smile on me again

Thank you for the reply

  Scout206

There isnt anything wrong with you. You are going what we all have gone through. I still feel anger, until I realize it is much like when she was younger and shed throw up on me or something, she couldnt help it.

Yes they do rewrite their history. Inspite of what others say on here, there is no peace, time doesnt heal all wounds.
I know the feeling all to well of anger, guilt and remorse. The womdering where my baby went etc.

There is no peace,at least not for those that love our children unconditionally. If you should need to talk or want to, feel free to send me a private message ans I will try and help you as best as I can, I may need some help as well. BTW it does feel like punishment but it is an attempt to get you to feel what they are going through, along with their vengence they suffer a huge amount of guilt with it and their rage, Thus creating the roller coaster or merry go round that doesnt stop and we all get to ride.

Soc

Soc this article speaks to you and this is good and talking here on the forum is the right thing to do.

Scout2016 there is nothing wrong with you   your point goes to show, remind us how broad BPD is a spectrum, it's complicated and our situations are unique as you point out we have to do what's right for us.

Here's an example of complicatedness, there are 3 questions on the back of Stop Walking on Eggshells, if you answered YES your loved one may have BPD, my answer to all was/is NO, she'd been diagnosed with BPD ... .not a one fits all situation and I'm grateful for everyone here taking time to understanding my situation, we all need to be heard and we are all listening  

Soc you're not alone feeling a victim of BPD, as victims we are stuck, we can only change ourselves, grow through this, we are all searching for peace - you say you will not accept this disorder, are you saying you feel stuck personally and unsure how to help yourself?

WDx

Soc I'd like to share this with you. 5.01 Are we victims? What do you think, how does this make you feel, do you see yourself as the victim, are you ready to take charge of your life? Is this helpful for you?

You've opened a great conversation, you are helping others and we can help you.  

Small, gentle steps.

WDX

  MomMae

I do go by my instincts, no contact by me is not an option. That would mean I gave up on her (to me). This in my life has been going on for years. This wound will never heal with me, I do forgive her,I know it isnt her fault.

Perhaps with you and others the passage of time helps wounds heal and scar over,my scars are opened daily, and hope and faith are a pipe dream.

From Miriam Webster: victim: someone or something that is harmed by an unpleasant event (such as an illness or accident)

As I said we are all victims of this Illness, perhaps youd prefer the term "collateral damage". I dont come on this site to whine,nor do I come on this site to be questioned about whether or not I see myself as a victim. Im quite sure I was clear when I said we are all victims. Im 63 yrs old and have been quite in charge of my life from age 17 on.

What gall it takes to even ask me or anyone for that matter if I see myself as a victim. especially when you and/or others do not have a clue as to my life. Im not full of self pity nor do I need varied sympathies and ask for none. Im here hoping to find a silver bullet, an answer to this enigma.  I do not subscribe to the Doris Day song mentality of "Que Sera, Sera".

Wendy what is helpful to me? you asked Is this helpful to me.

Perhaps those that do just give in or up on those that they allegedly care about and love just have a lesser depth of caring and love for those in their lives with BPD.

I have met several parents of those that have BPD, a couple of them were unknown to me at the time, and as soon as BPD was brought up they broke down. BPD is a spectrum, many cases are mild, many are very severe, most fall somewhere in between.

This insidious disorder is akin to the death of a child. If any of you has had a child that has died, and you had to still function as a parent for your other children, could you?, or if you know of anyone ask them if they feel like a victim, go visit a St. Judes Hospital, or a children's hospital and see the damage done to lives.

Here's a link for you from youtube, getting one person's viewpoint of how they feel about BPD.
You may see some of yourself there, I know Ive seen a lot of me in that video. Its only 3+ minutes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FglzBa8PvQ

Hi Soc,
First, I want to say again how very sorry I am for the overwhelming pain that you are feeling.  I understand; I have been there and so has most everyone who posts on this board.  I would never begin to suggest that my pain was worse than yours or anyone else's, nor the love I have for my daughter, my family, deeper than that of others.  When you use the word "allegedly" (as you did responding to Wendy) when talking about the love others have for their child or the depths of pain that others who post here feel it is very unfair and judgemental.  Being at the limits of emotional pain can be confusing and overwhelming, and sometimes it causes us to focus our anger and frustration on those that don't deserve it.

Wendy, who is a kind and gentle soul, has shown me immense compassion not only with my BPD dd, but also with my son's traumatic brain injury.  Her gentle questioning of the role of victim that we can easily fall into while dealing with a family member with BPD is an important and valid one to ask.  Soc, you and I have corresponded a bit through personal messages and I brought up the idea of examining our role as a victim as well... .because, for me, it was an important part of changing the course of things for my BPD dd21 and our family.  I will copy what I wrote to you in that message below:


I can be a stubborn person, Soc, with very strong opinions, similar to yourself. But I also know that if I did not open my mind and heart to the perspective and wisdoms of others on this board, I would still be stuck in the whirlpool of confusion, anger, bitterness and self-absorption that I was in when I stumbled upon this website.  Maybe you are not ready to make yourself vulnerable enough to hear others' gentle challenges as an act of extreme caring and understanding.  And that is okay.  I understand.  But it is not okay or fair to suggest that your love and caring for your beautiful daughter is any deeper than any other person who has ever posted on this forum just because you are presently still buried in your own overwhelming pain and sadness.

I am sorry for your hurt, Soc.  MM       

It has to be devastating that she is connecting with the her 16-year-uninvolved mom and pushing you aside - after all the years you stood buy her - sacrificed for her.

Man-to-man, your greatest opportunity going forward lies in how you react to this adversity. How you react will greatly effect your daughter. How you react, will greatly affect your well being.

You seem to be telling us that you find understanding and a level of comfort in identifying in the wounds of a victim/martyr and in having anger and hatred for the disorder. OK.

Some members are on a different path and using different tools to cope with similar and at the same time, vastly different situations.

We understand.

So what is happening with your you and your daughter and your ex-wife right now? Can you scope out the overall situation?

Yes, of course. I think about what I write before I write it and I posted it in the right thread 

She is your daughter for the rest of your life. Sometime's our only choice is to play the long game.  It's not easy buy any means, and everyone here can identify with or has lived your frustration.


How is that working for you? You have invalidated everyone who has posted to you and they have all walked away. I'm trying to re-open that door. You are a wounded brother in need. I'm reaching out. It's your choice to grab hold or not.


Ugh 

Can you tell us a little more?  

1. Forgetting about logic, fairness, truth, etc., for the purpose of this question, what would you daughter say her problem with you is right now, what does she feel you have done that is bad, and why does she feel safer with her mom. You know how she thinks and you have had thousands of conversations leading up to this - why does this all make sense to her.

2. What is the reality? What is true, was is delusion?

You have friends here. When your ready to dig in, we will be here. We play the long game, too. 

Some quotes from you Soc, towards people who were in your corner, caring and trying to help:






These are the words of someone trapped in anger and bitterness, not someone ready to move forward.  Do you hear it?  Is this how you want to be?  Does spewing meanness at people showing you empathy make you feel better, Soc?  It does make me wonder if you have the introspection to see that you may be even a small part of the problem with your daughter when you can be that angry with strangers who are only trying to empathize and help. 

One last suggestion from me is for you to review the lessons to the right   If you open your mind, you should find Lesson 2 particularly helpful. 

Please don't rip into me, Soc.  I am only trying to help, and I am truly sorry if it doesn't come across that way to you.  Best of luck to you.  MomMae

  Soc

It’s been awhile since we last spoke. I was sorry to read this thread and hear of your situation and it sounds like you’re having such a tough time. Our kids are just so precious to us and when things don’t go how we’d like them to, the pain can feel unbearable. I’ve had times when my son didn’t want anything to do with me and the “no contact” was truly horrible.

My situation didn’t improve until my pain got so bad that I had no choice. I was faced with never having a relationship with my son or to try a different way. I didn’t know what would happen but I had to try something for both our sakes. I decided to change my approach.

I’m reminded of a saying:


I learnt nothing for years.

My pain forced me into a better place.

That’s my truth. These aren’t empty words.

From what you’ve written you’ve said you’re finding it extremely difficult to cope emotionally. I’m so very sorry as I remember just how exhausting and hopeless I felt. This is just hard.

LP

Hi there Soc

Good to hear from you  


I know that feeling. I used to try and avoid going into my town as I’d sometimes see my son and I found it physically unbearable. There was absolutely nothing I could do to change his situation for him, I had no hope that he’d WANT to change his own situation.

It was the feeling of hopeless and helplessness that overwhelmed me.

I’m trying hard to be succinct, to try and convey how I changed my approach. It was through a number of things. My situation may be entirely different to yours but perhaps we can find some similarities.

I think the first thing I accepted was that my son couldn’t feel my love. This was irrespective of everything I’d ever done for him or told him how much I loved him. He knew he was loved but he just didn’t feel loved.

The second problem was that he found it easier to not spend any time with me. This didn’t mean he didn’t love me; he took the path of easiest resistance. When we were together I was too straight talking, intrusive and asking questions. There’s no way he was going to find his time with me a positive experience.

My third problem was that I’d made him the centre of my world. I’d done too much for him and allowed our relationship to become unhealthy. I’d lost perspective and become unconfident in my abilities as a parent.

Fourthly, I had no life of my own, no interests, I had nothing to say that he could relate to. Truthfully, I was boring and judgmental.

These were big problems. How does anyone fix a relationship? I just didn’t know how to and I found this forum.

The first thing I did was say to him “I’m getting help for myself. Things have been so bad between us and I’m trying to find a way that will make things so that we can get along a lot better”.

This created a little interest. I got to work proving it.

My first priority was to improve the atmosphere when we were together. even if it was just for a few minutes, I made sure our interaction was a warm, loving and smiley experience. No questions, no judgment, no talking about problems. He slowly warmed and relaxed. This kind of covered problems 1 and 2 above.

I looked outwards for my solution to problems 3 and 4. I discovered I needed better boundaries and, because of our growing relationship, he received them ok (he’s a quiet BPD). I got back to basics on my communication skills - I now spend most of my time listening and really observing how he’s feeling through his body language.

Number 4 was just for me. I signed up at a local college on a part time course. It exposed me to other people, it helped me forget about my problems and I re-discovered my love of learning. It gave me something to talk about with my family, it enriched me. I’m 55 and I’ve done this for 4 years. It’s never ever too late - my fellow student is 70 (who has a non contact daughter and doesn’t see her two grand children). It’s given me perspective. My son surely must have deeply sighed knowing all my attention wasn’t in him any more - I have a life of my own that he can share if he’d like to.

Soc, is there anything in here that you can relate to?

I feel for you. The waiting for the crisis is awful.

LP

Hi Soc
I have followed this thread of yours and it makes me sad.   My daughter has been no contact with me for most of the past 2 years so I'm farther down this road than you.  I understand all too well the despair that you are experiencing.   I wish I didn't.  Only this January did I even hear of BPD and start to learn about it.  Before that I was totally in the dark - confused, angry, hurt - more than I ever thought I could bear.  But the no contact has been her choice not mine.   That is how my journey began - seemingly (to me) no contact with no inciting cause.  It's the last thing I want.   Does that mean that I am giving up on her or don't love her enough?  I am not out of contact with my daughter because the depth of my love is less than yours or because I want it that way.  I love her more than my own life.  I'm out of contact with her because she gives me no other choice.   She tells me that I am the sole cause of her anxiety and depression and seems to have rewritten her life history.  She apparently doesn't remember the mostly wonderful life she has had and that she has been treasured since before she was born.  She has split me black and I have no control of anything except to try to stay sane.   She's getting married in July and I don't know how to make it through not being there.  I'm doing the best that I can to survive day by day.  Like you, I also raised my daughter on my own with very little help for 29 years.  I also have an ex who makes everything worse instead of better.  But I can't control that or change it.   I can only drive myself crazy being angry about it if I stay on that road.   I don't mean to be hard on you because I understand your pain makes you feel hopeless and angry. But the depth of my love for my daughter is beyond words.   My sadness will never heal no matter what the future holds but I am learning how to survive in this reality.   I don't think you mean to hurt people but you must remember that we are all caught up in a circle of confusion, pain, stress and despair.  So when you tell me that because of my situation, I don't love my child enough it wounds me.   None of us needs criticism like that.  We try to be supportive and helpful to each other on this forum.   Having a place to go where you can talk to people without having to explain what you mean when you say "My child has borderline traits and I don't know what to do... .I feel like I'm losing my mind" is difficult to find.    I hope that you are feeling a bit more hopeful at least sometimes and continue to share your journey if you wish.   We are here for you and for each other.  There are many helpful tools to the right side of this page and I hope you take a look at them.   Try to take care of yourself as much as you can.  We are of no use to ourselves or our children if we don't pay attention to our own well being and mental health.   Scout206