She broke up with me says she loves me

[Mutt]

Out of frustration I broke up with my gf she’s not borderline she display anxiety / obsessive compulsive traits. We started seeing other last August and the honeymoon lasted until last month a friend of mine had to point out that the honeymoon was over - I couldn’t tell I felt like there was a shift in the r/s.

She said she had a lot on her plate when I asked what changed and she said that she else’s taking care of herself that’s what I was feeling. She’s a single mom she’s separated for almost two years going through a divorce. Her mom had major surgery a couple of months ago they had removed a large malignant tumor she’s supposed to be checked fi cancer cells.

We had a long cold winter I have my kids one week on one week off. The weeks that I didn’t have my I spent it with her she wanted to see each other every night, sleep over on weekdays and weekends usually I passed on the weekdays and sometimes I slept over on the weekends. She’s anxious if I was late leaving the gym to go to her place she would wait until her S5 would go to bed and then ask me to come over and sometimes she’d call 5 minutes asking me if i has left. She’d ask me come over the days that I had the kids my oldest is 12 she’s used to watching the kids I’d step out for an hour I felt bad. There were some nights where I wanted to leave her place at a reasonable time and she would ask me to stay i was thinking that it’s going to catch up to her.

She works split shifts she’d usually get at 400-430 and do a work out routine start work at 7 her break from 9 to 11 then she was off at 6 I hate split shifts. Sometimes I’d have the weekday off see her in the morning then see her in the evening. I should of put on the brakes and defended my boundaries and say you have to go or say I can’t spend time with you to give her space.

She said that I complained because of the time that she wasn’t giving me when she started seeing me once or twice a week starting 4-6 weeks ago. I started to push more and become more clingy because I felt like I was losing her. I’m confused she wanted to spend all of her time with me it became a routine and I wanted to show her I know bed so I aient as much time as I could which was also clinging behaviour due to my fear of abandonment.

I wanted to know what direction we were going I asked her and she wouldn’t answer instead of taking the hint that she didn’t know or didn’t want to i kept asking again and then I started frustrated and angry because I want getting an answer so I threatened to break up with her and she said she didn’t mind and I said it shows that you dont care if you’re not fighting for the r/s. She said yes let’s move in together then I said really then she said the she said let’s have an open r/s I said what are you talking about? She said forget that she said that.

So last week that she said that couldn’t give me her 100% and it’s not fair to me he can’t give me what I want which is eventually at some point integrated the two families and that I should find alone better than her but it’s up to me with what I want if I wanted to stay with her she said one thing is for sure I love you.

I should point out that she’s 32 and I’m 44 at my age you do things quicker because you know that time is limited. She said that she sees a pattern and she doesn’t think that I couldn’t wait for her without getting frustrated and angry. I apologized and I didn’t meant to break up her and that I should have waited two weeks like she had suggested and to my surprise she wanted to stay broken up.

This was on Sunday she said nothing has changed just our status instead of gf / bf were friends that are supportive of each other. She came over to my place today and she kept her jacket on so I thought she is not staying long. I have couches side by side in my living room she sat in one and I sat on the other. She was going through her phone ordering a dress for her mom for Mother’s Day then she came over to my couch sat beside me her leg up against mine and she was showing me these beautiful Indian dresses on the site and I notice she kept talking she was anxious. She then started hugging me and we were hugging for two minutes not letting each other go. We broke up over whatsapp we didn’t see each fit a few days so I though maybe these hugs are her saying good bye? She said that she had to leave to get groceries and I asked her if she wanted to do something sometime she said sure when can i come over on the weekday again I said that I’m available after work or on the weekends we’re seeing each next Friday at my house. I thought that she doesn’t want want me at her house. We talked on Whatsapp a little today I gave her her space or I’m trying to be more conscious about it and I’m trying to be less clingy.

I decide that I want to stay in the relationship and wait for her to sort out the negative feelings she sounds confused and wait for her to come back and talk when she’s ready?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[braveSun]

I'm so sorry Mutt, that you are going through something like that.
It must be hard to just have your feelings with things shifting this way and that way. 



I can't tell for sure the answer to your question. I know this moment will pass. Clarity may come with a little time.

I'd say pay extra attention to your feelings. Don't rush now.
Do something nurturing for yourself. 

 

[pearlsw]

Hi Mutt,

How are you feeling about this breakup now? Was it the right thing for you? A decision you may later revisit?

I hear ya on the age stuff - I'd like to have this part of my life more settled, stable, and certain.

Sorry you are having a hard time!

wishing you peace in your heart, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Hang in there, Mutt, these are challenging situations.  It sounds like you are listening to her and thinking about how your behavior impacts her (e.g. perhaps crowding her).  You may or may not choose to adjust your behavior.  In a relationship, we tend to measure ourselves with reference to the person we are with.  What feels crowding to her may not feel crowding to another woman.  So listen to yourself as well.  It sounds like you are open to more contact with her, to continue to process things, be friends, and see where things go?

WW

[Harley Quinn]

Mutt I'm sorry to hear that it came to this.  It's good news that you have arranged to see one another and it sounds like that's a week away, so you both have some space and time to think. 

My advice would be to occupy yourself so that you are able to let her have some time to weigh up what she wants without giving in to trying to influence her.  I know that's hard, but if she comes to a conclusion independently it is more likely to be one that she is sure of.  How are you feeling?

Love and light x

[braveSun]

Hello Mutt
Here I am reading your post again this morning.

She said she had a lot on her plate when I asked what changed and she said that she else’s taking care of herself that’s what I was feeling. She’s a single mom she’s separated for almost two years going through a divorce. Her mom had major surgery a couple of months ago they had removed a large malignant tumor she’s supposed to be checked fi cancer cells.

I see the words divorce and cancer in your description of what she's going through right now. Those are high stress events in anybody's life. It's difficult to have a sense of control in one's life when these things happen. Being a single mom doesn't help make these transitions any easier.

Honestly she might be talking about her own truth about her own emotional availability right now. From an external point of view, that would not mean the whole story about her. From a one to one point of view, I see the importance for you to figure out your own truth about your needs right now.

Pearl and Harley Quinn have a good point about checking your feelings up.

WW has a good point about listening to yourself.

I know that when we are moving on into our new life after a r/s with a pwBPD, we know what we don't want, but it doesn't mean that it's easy to figure out what we actually want. It's more of a process. We also need to create new ways in our approach to the life we want.

[Mutt]

I see the words divorce and cancer in your description of what she's going through right now. Those are high stress events in anybody's life. It's difficult to have a sense of control in one's life when these things happen. Being a single mom doesn't help make these transitions any easier.

Honestly she might be talking about her own truth about her own emotional availability right now. From an external point of view, that would not mean the whole story about her. From a one to one point of view, I see the importance for you to figure out your own truth about your needs right now.

Good point. I didn't think about that she has two life events going on at the same time. Divorce is brutal I can't imagine having a sick parent with cancer on top of that. I feel selfish for not being able to see this because I was focused on the r/s I was focused on myself.

[braveSun]

Mutt, sorry you feel selfish. It's something we all do in the midst of the action. Communication could be imperfect also. Don't beat yourself up about it.
 

I feel selfish for not being able to see this because I was focused on the r/s I was focused on myself.

I know the feeling of feeling selfish. I can relate to that. It's a part of our life story it seems. We need someone who loves us for who we are, and than we feel selfish when we see the reasons when they stop giving us what we need. Maybe not the love, but _____________?...

Even though she is going through that much, your needs still count.

[Mutt]

Even though she is going through that much, your needs still count.

Thanks for walking me through this braveSun. I told her that even though she has a lot on her plate she could try to find a solution. She said that she couldn't which I don't believe because she's smart.

Everything was done on her terms, I felt like she was trying to hide me, we were either at each others houses we never went out to a restaurant or a movie. She was worried that one of her neighbors might see me and tell her mom back in India. She said that she didn't want anyone at work to know because she didn't want drama. When I asked about not going out in public she said that she's going through a divorce. It's controlling I always thought we'll see a bit later maybe things will change.

She did this for herself if that's her pattern. Maybe she wanted to be with me to relieve some stress and loneliness. Maybe after the honeymoon phase she saw something that she doesn't like. It feels invalidating.

[braveSun]

She said that she didn't want anyone at work to know because she didn't want drama. When I asked about not going out in public she said that she's going through a divorce. It's controlling I always thought we'll see a bit later maybe things will change.

She did this for herself if that's her pattern. Maybe she wanted to be with me to relieve some stress and loneliness. Maybe after the honeymoon phase she saw something that she doesn't like. It feels invalidating.

May I ask you Mutt, what feels the most invalidating to you?

[Mutt]

What feels the most invalidating is that she didn't treat me like a proper boyfriend.

[braveSun]

OK.
Like in 'not allowing you two to be seen as couple in public'? Or is there something more than that?

[Mutt]

Correct. Just that.

[braveSun]

I'm sorry Mutt. I can see how this may cause you to feel invalidated. After all, you are her boyfriend, unless you two decide otherwise. And when we feel a little left out, it's normal to wonder about the status of the relationship. With what you are going through right now it's not surprising.

Do you know of any cultural reasons she might need to hide your relationship from the public. I read that she didn't want people to know about it from work, you mentioned drama, and with the divorce situation I wonder. Have you asked her about this before?

[Panda39]

She broke up with me says she loves me

These 2 things are not mutually exclusive, both can be right for her.

It sounds like you are listening to her and thinking about how your behavior impacts her (e.g. perhaps crowding her). 

I like WW's advice but keep things in balance.

For a long time I did only the above... .how could I make my partner happy, comfortable, satisfied, stay with me... .

I never considered what I needed and was I getting it?  Consider not only what she needs but what you need too, because if you don't you end up in a really lopsided situation that is bound to fail.  It's about a partnership and compromise. 

Hiding your relationship in the shadows doesn't feel right to me.  There are a lot of logical reasons given but to me hiding and being secretive isn't healthy.  To me you want to be proud of your partner and them of you and you want to share your happiness with family and friends.

Panda39

[Mutt]

For a long time I did only the above... .how could I make my partner happy, comfortable, satisfied, stay with me... .

I see what you’re saying Panda39 and that is what I was doing I was soothing her anxiety. What I want is to focus on myself and let her go if it’s meant to be she’ll come back. It just doesn’t feel right for me to wait or hope that she comes back I want to heal as quick as possible.

I think that I was a transition for her because of the pressure from her mom and the divorce. She’s a transition until the woman, she was the first gf after my divorce.

[braveSun]

Hey Mutt

How is it going with your self-care? Do you have a plan for the next couple of weeks? Just checking.

[Mutt]

Hi braveSun,

Thanks for checking in that's really nice. We had an argument because I asked if she was seeing someone. She wanted to stay friends and continue to talk to me through whatsapp which I had agreed upon hoping that maybe we could get back together.

I mentioned earlier that everything was done on her terms - she's self centered and I can understand that some of that comes from anxiety and the life events that she's going through but if she wants to keep me as a friend it's serving her not me. I still feel for her she wanted this I didn't.

~ She might be feeling guilty
~ She might be missing me
~ She might of valued both the friendship and the romantic r/s and she wants to keep the friendship

I decided that I need to stop talking to her I need to get over her we'll see what happens later because I don't torture myself and miss an opportunity for someone else. If I keep things going the way that they are now she has control. I'm going to stop chatting today.

I created an account on a dating site and it was amazing the amount of women that wanted to meet me at I'd say thirty since I created it Friday night. This has never happened to me. I'm currently speaking to a couple of women. I spoke to my mom we talked about it she didn't suggest to do it right away  but she said that I'm ready and you'll find someone that will give you what you want.  

I went through a transformation I've been working out for three years if my ex doesn't want me there are a lot of other women interested. To answer your question what started this transformation is I went to my MD about depression / anxiety three years ago, to finally treat it and take care of it anyways he had me see a social worker that gave me a month pass to the YMCA and suggested to exercise to feel better. His advice was "If you have nothing better to do go to the gym"

I went out with coworkers on Friday, again on Saturday to celebrate a coworkers birthday and I'm going to the gym it's really nice out I'll do cardio outside for the fresh air and to regulate my feelings.

[braveSun]

I went out with coworkers on Friday, again on Saturday to celebrate a coworkers birthday and I'm going to the gym it's really nice out I'll do cardio outside for the fresh air and to regulate my feelings.

   Sounds like you are taking care of it. Good news!...
         Keep up the cardio outside. That sounds like just the right thing.

I also like that your mom didn't suggest to do it right away. 

[No-One]

I'm going to stop chatting today.

Sounds like a good strategy.

I felt like she was trying to hide me, we were either at each others houses we never went out to a restaurant or a movie. She was worried that one of her neighbors might see me and tell her mom back in India. She said that she didn't want anyone at work to know because she didn't want drama. When I asked about not going out in public she said that she's going through a divorce.

Sounds like there could be multiple red flags with her:
1.  Just thinking that if she felt no one could see you both together in public, that she wasn't truly ready to start dating. Someone emotinally ready to date wouldn't want to keep you a secret.

2.  What's the real reason for not wanting her mom to know she was dating you?  Was it a matter of her just dating anyone?  If you aren't of the same ethnicity, could that have been an issue for her mother? (Even if she may not want to admit it).

3. Why would seeing someone from her work, at a show or restaurant, cause drama for her?  Unless you go to places around the corner from her place of employment, the chances are slim that you would enounter someone from her work.

4. The fear of the neighbor making reports to her mom in India is a rather strange situation.  How is it that this neighbor has such power in her life?

I hope you enjoy meeting new people and venturing out in public.

[Mutt]

Hi No-One,

1.  Just thinking that if she felt no one could see you both together in public, that she wasn't truly ready to start dating. Someone emotinally ready to date wouldn't want to keep you a secret.

That’s a good observation.

What's the real reason for not wanting her mom to know she was dating you?  Was it a matter of her just dating anyone?  If you aren't of the same ethnicity, could that have been an issue for her mother?

She’s been separated for a year and half and the divorce proceedings had started and her mom would pressure her everyday to go back to her husband. Divorce is just not something that you do. The divorce rate is 1.1 percent and it brings shame to the family.

Her mom knew about me, that’s what my exgf said I don’t know how she knew if I had to guess maybe she was trying to hurt her mom and told her she was going out with a white guy.

The fear of the neighbor making reports to her mom in India is a rather strange situation.  How is it that this neighbor has such power in her life?

You’re right it really is exaggerated  When i first met her I was wondering what type of mental illness does she have? I have major depressive disorder, anxiety disorders panic GAD. I thought is she BPD, DPD, depression and anxiety what is it? She certainly had traits of an anxiety disorder with obsessive compulsive and other anxiety. I’d also say that she had traits of depression as well and she’s a hermit. I never thought that that she’s a hermit until I typed it down. She seldom goes out if she does she goes to gudwara on the rare occasion she visited friends.

Id also say that she’s in survival mode surviving from crisis to crisis work > home > work > home and just repeats the cycle.

[Mutt]

The last thing that I said to her early yesterday morning was that I called her selfish. If someone called me selfish I'd expect them to repair the r/s it's been 24 hours since we last communicated and she sent me a voice message on whatsapp 14 secs long mid morning today so she had to say something I haven't listened to it, the fact that she me a message shows that she cares and she's probably worried because she expected me to message her what would she want? She made it clear that she can't give me what I want if I had to guess it something to do about her maybe shes looking to sooth her anxiety?

[Mutt]

I think that I know what her message may be about. I know she means it when she says she'll never be able to give me what I want, she was angry when I asked her if she was seeing someone, the last thing that I said to her was that she was selfish, I'm not blocked, she sent it right before her break ended if I listened to it then she's busy working and not available she doesn't want to talk, 14 secs is long enough to have something to say. We haven't been apart long enough for her to lose the bad feelings about me, I think that she probably doesn't want to have contact with me.

[Mutt]

I was wrong I listened to the message she’s probing she says that she’s just saying hi.

[Mutt]

I didn't reply to her first message now she sent me another message asking me if I can come over tonight if I have the time. What do she want to talk about it? I know that she's not going to want to have sex she lost interest a couple of months ago. She wants to talk about something.

[Radcliff]

Hi Mutt, how is it going?  Did you end up going over?

WW

[Mutt]

I thought about it I didn’t talk here from Sunday morning up to 5 o’clock in the afternoon on Monday. What’s next is she going come to my house or is she going to completely back off? Out of respect for her I respect need and I told her I’d come by.

She was happy when I got there she was excited she asked if I ate I said I’ve had liquid calories all day it’s hard to eat with braces but I’ll cook something when I get home she offered popsicles we ate those her place was so hot

I think she was scared to lose me we talked I told her I missed her she misssed me too she said that I should find someone else she asked if wanted to go on the mattress she has a futon and a mattress on her floor we kissed and made out. She was tired and it was almost 9 already I left and went home.

She sent me a message this afternoon she watches my son at the daycare the youngest and he gives her a hard time he’s disrespectful and talks back. I said that I’m sorry that he’s giving you a hard time I notice a pattern he is like this at my house I get the complaints on the week that he’s at uBPDexw house.

I Googled how to discipline a dysrespectful child that talks aback I found some good information online I found why he’s acting the way that he is and I’m going to put more effort with and the oldest transgender D12.

I get a call tonight and we talked I could tell that she had been crying her mom is going to go through chemotherapy. Medicine is a business in India she has a SIL that has a cousin in Florida that’s a cancer specialist she’s going to send an email if her mom’s paperwork to get a second opinion.

Her family was supposed to Canada now they’re staying in India she can’t go back because her STBX could prevent her from flying back. I told her that her STBX wanted to get the divorce done quickly I said you might have to concede something but you might be able to use his impatience to your advantage and go visit your mom when the divorce is finalized in Canada.

We talked for quite awhile. I think that she likes getting support from me. She says that don’t look too far in the future just in the present now. I’ve waited four years after my exuBPDw left me that’s reasonable I’ll move on and I think that we’re both emotionally mature enough to handle a friendship.

It makes me sad but it wasn’t going to work from the start for various reasons. She’s special to me, she entered my life in a transitional phase. She’s going through very difficult things she’s afraid to commit she said she brought her son into this mess and it’s his turn and she devotes herself to give him a good education. It’s not my fault that she’s afraid to commit.

Every other ex left having already started another r/s before mine was done. I told my ex last night that you know to sooth my anxiety is it because of your mom? She has anxiety she said that she has a lot of empathy for me she’s been in my shoes . If anything staying in contact is helping each other’s anxiety. I’m not going to get stuck here though I’ll keep pluggung away self care with the gym and I’ll find someone eventually maybe not tomorrow it’s not going to be like the long break I took with my exuBPDw.

[pearlsw]

Hi Mutt,

It might not always be obvious, but take it from someone who has been there - being involved with someone going through a divorce is really challenging. I thought when I met my SO that his was over and done with, but it wasn't. It turned into an even bigger drama than either of us could have anticipated and dragged on for many years. Eight years later and they are still sorting out legal troubles! (scream!)

I don't know how many dinners were affected by him texting her the entire time, or having to put out fires with her and his kids.

I think it is really important to set expectations. She has children, legal troubles, a mom with health issues. It's natural she has less time and energy for your relationship. It may or may not have a personal component in terms of you.

Are you able to do things to help take the pressure off of her rather than increase it... .without totally sacrificing yourself and your needs in the process?

take care, pearl.

[Mutt]

Are you able to do things to help take the pressure off of her rather than increase it... .without totally sacrificing yourself and your needs in the process?

We talked and decided to be FWB you're right she's just not in a place in her life right now where a romantic r/s is feasible it doesn't mean that she doesn't get lonely and wouldn't mind companionship from time to time. As a single dad with shared custody of 3 kids it's complicated and it gets lonely we just went through a brutal winter and it would of been tougher without her.

She messaged me last night to come over so I went over we talked for a bit and then we had sex it felt fine for me it didn't feel awkward, we know each other well this would be different if it was a stranger. If I was younger I don't think I would of had the maturity to be able to do this.

My needs I need to put in a lot of effort with D12 she thinks that she's a boy she doesn't act like it I think that she's looking for attention she has a refferal to a gender P she's really mixed up, the middle one is doing good the youngest is becoming is really rude lately with back talking and being difficult so he needs attention too. I have some other things that I want to take care of this will give me the time and I want to focus on the gym sometimes I'd rush through to get to her place on time.

I hate dating I removed myself from POF last night, we're not in a commited r/s but I can't date and be a FWB at the same time that's my boundary.

The youngest is telling me a story with his behaviours lately he's not getting attention at the other house he's probable getting yelled at by mom and her bf I think that it's becoming more chaotic over there being a single dad is challenging my kids really need me right now and I'm fine with being a FWB for now. I used to think of r/s as black and white I think that there are shades of grey because sometimes we're in a space where you can't fully commit to a r/s.

[Radcliff]

Mutt,

It sounds like you are thinking about your needs, adjusting your expectations, and considering having a "friends with benefits" relationship with her for companionship and mutual support, while you each focus on what your kids need.  Does that about size it up?

WW