Dealing with friends

[Lollypop]

 

I know this topic has been up before.

My group of friends know what I’ve been through, but not understood  it. Supportive at first, they got irritated and tired of me endlessly trying to fix. Gradually, through my work here, my situation improved and they know my son27 is now working and functioning. But whatever progress he makes he’s never going to be conventional or “doing as well as their kids”. 

As I sat at the table, one of the first to arrive, I could almost feel their judgment as they arrived... This may of course just be in my imagination. The evening rolls on and each shares the latest news, drama and obvious successes. At the end if the evening one asked about my younger son. Nobody asks about my adult son27.  It could be they’re embarrassed to, or perhaps they simply don’t get all that’s been achieved and only can judge at what isnt “normal”.  They’re silence speaks volumes.

I’m getting a little better at the get togethers.  I found them so difficult and often didn’t go.  I’ve distanced myself and occasionally will tag along.  I think that’s the “nail on the head” - I tag along.

I’m not sad. I’m just saying that spending time with a load of women who feel so wonderful about their kids is more than deflating. I’m glad for them, I really am. I don’t want pity. I don’t want judgment.

Interestingly, the whole evening was spent talking about kids. I was a bit bored by the conversation but not by the company.  Since I’ve gotten a life for myself my kids are not my whole universe - I could easily have talked about a wider range of stuff. 

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi Lollypop

I can relate to a lot that you have written, however, I have just one trusted friend who knows the full ins and outs of my situation and although she doesn’t always ‘get it’ she is very supportive. One other person I know socially knows but not in depth, maybe the time felt right, she confided in me that her adult son suffers with bipolar and I just said that my son has mental issues. We both offered each other support if and when we need it. I haven’t told any of my other friends because they probably won’t understand and yes, as you, I would probably feel that element of being judged if they knew. It is too easy for some to just blame the mother for bad parenting skills and in some ways it helps them to feel better about their own parenting skills.

I liked the bit where you wrote that although you enjoyed their company you were bored by the conversation   I’ve always tried to avoid talking too much about kids especially if I get the feeling of the oneupmanship that some mothers seem to enjoy. Better to be prepared next time you all get together and try to steer the conversation on a different course. Oh, and don’t just ‘tag along’ (you surprised me here) get in there and ‘show em what you got’. Have fun x 
 

[beady]

I can so relate to this. I've decided to forego these get togethers. They always leave me feeling worse than when I arrive to them. The air of trying to see whose children has become the more successful is far too heavy for me. I have two or three close friends that I can confide in when asked how my children are, and that's all I need. You are not alone in trying to find a happy balance in these social situations. My approach may be the easy way out, but I think we've earned a free pass on this one. 

[MomMae]

Thank you for posting about this topic again, Lollypop.  I know we have discussed it in the past, and for me, it is something I still struggle with a lot.  Much of that struggle is an internal one... .I don't really want to be around these people, but you hear so much about the importance of "friends", and truthfully, if I eliminated the ones who make me feel worse instead of better, I wouldn't have very many people in my life.  Honestly, that is my true preference, but I find myself not wanting to be judged on one more thing in this life ... .not having that tight circle of "girlfriends" that we are told is vital to our well-being.

I have always disliked the brag fest that many get-togethers with friends turn into.  As beady said, they always leave me feeling worse than when I arrived.  I come home deflated instead of energized.  I never did join in with the bragging even before my family's difficulties began... .the comparing of score cards did not feel like friendship to me.  But now with my BPDDD's struggles, I have found, like you, some of them acting as though she didn't exist.  It is beyond awkward and not something I want to subject myself to anymore.

With my non-BPD son's horrible car accident last fall and traumatic brain injury, I really got a true insight into some of the people in my life and had, perhaps, an "ah-ha" moment.  He almost died.  He was not expected to fully recover, yet we were blessed with what doctors called a miracle, and he is basically back to normal with minimal symptoms.  This was an accident, not something that I could be judged as doing something "wrong" on. (Though, funny enough, there were a couple people who were more interested in hearing the details of the accident than how my son was doing).  But you know, those same people who now ignore my daughter's existence, couldn't care less about what we have been through with my son beyond "oh, that's too bad, good that he's okay... .now let me tell you about my wonderful kids... "  

This does not fit my definition of a friend.  I guess I am lucky that I am mostly an introvert, and am mostly happy being alone (except for that niggling doubt that there is something wrong with me because I do not fit the commercialized version of a woman with her tight circle of gal pals).

I have a few true friends that I can be honest with.  I don't necessarily see them often, but they listen, truly listen, and are real.  Two of them I met on this very board and we communicate regularly.  And then there are all the compassionate people who post here and take the time to care, even though they themselves may be struggling.  To me, that is more important than to be surrounded by a gaggle of people calling themselves friends... .a mile wide and an inch deep.

I feel a little jaded and guilty when I tell the truth like this.  But you know what, right or wrong, it is my truth.

[Lollypop]

 

Thanks for replying and I’m so glad I’m not the only one! I hope that’s not selfish of me -

Feeling better: you’re lucky to have the support with one friend and it’s brilliant you’ve that shoulder! I took the decision to step out of my life and try something different to help me... .maybe the word is heal... .to find a new path - fine art. It’s been 4 years and, combined with learning here, I’ve grown away from them with little in common other than kids.

Beady: I stopped going for about 18 months. I totally get what you say about coming away feeling worse. I didn’t want to go last night but was glad I did, I had a laugh and that felt good. I like your thoughts about deserving a free pass.

Mommae:

except for that niggling doubt that there is something wrong with me because I do not fit the commercialized version of a woman with her tight circle of gal pals).

. Me too! I’ve got 1 best friend who totally gets me, another who doesn’t judge and I’d say the rest maybe just gossip about me. I’m so so glad you’ve met friends on the forum and you’ve described the acquaintance type friends perfectly. Honesty, deep reflection takes effort and I’m grateful that you took the time to share.

I think friends are important, even for introverts. Taking better care of myself, I think, includes trying to find a better balance of friendships. Thanks for taking the time to reply. Whay I’ve taken from it is that life’s so short and we deserve to be happy.  I’ve been in such a serious mode for too long, I’d like to lighten up.

I know we talk about feeling the change in our BPD son or daughter. I feel a change in myself, perhaps I’m just kind of in an “inbetween” place.

Thanks

LP

[Yepanotherone]

Yes we’ve talked about this before LP and it’s still such a relevant topic because it can be so hurtful for us.
I have my close friends who I have known for a very long time and they have known my DD since birth . One of them has been my friend since schooldays , the second of my besties I have known for 26 years , she was my neighbour and her brother had bipolar and BPD ( he finally ended his life at the age of 40 ) and my third bestie has bipolar and BPD herself . None of these ladies judge me and I tell them everything . They are however all in Scotland so I don’t see them often but I know they are there if I need them .
My second group of friends are mostly just superficial socializing types ... we have lunch and get togethers , they will ask after my DD but the conversation is fleeting and we quickly move onto other topics .

One thing I have noticed this year and it’s a huge change for myself in comparison to where I was last year ; it’s highschool graduation time and my “ superficial “ friends are quite rightly posting all their pictures of their children going to prom and graduation pics on social media . . For the last couple of years I’ve looked at these pictures and posts with envy , grief , sadness and fear . Because I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to post pictures like that of my DD . This year , I’ve been surprised by the change in my feelings about this. I’m genuinely happy to see my friends kids progress in life . I don’t have the same feelings of envy and sadness this time though. And you know why ? It’s because I’m damn proud of my girl . Where she has been and where she is now is worth more to me than any opportunity to take a prom or graduation picture of her . I’m so proud of her and I love her just as she is warts and all. If I get to post a graduation picture of her in the future then that’ll be great , but I’m just so proud and happy to have her alive and doing well . That’s more than enough for me .

I feel that as we move into radical acceptance as parents of kids with BPD , we appreciate the small successes far more than “ normal parents with normal kids “. We don’t have the same expectations so little things mean far more and we celebrate the baby steps our kids take . It may not mean anything to those “ friends “ with their stories and bragging rights , but it means the world to us , BPD parents .

And that is why we come here . Because this group understands

Happy mother’s day everyone xxx we are strong , we are proud , and we have each other .

[wendydarling]

Thanks for raising friends again LP.

Gee I'm sorry no one asked after your eldest and to be honest I'm shocked with the whole evening spent talking about kids, do you think they were waiting for you to pipe in, hard I know breaking down barriers whatever they be.

I know we talk about feeling the change in our BPD son or daughter. I feel a change in myself, perhaps I’m just kind of in an “inbetween” place.

You're in an inbetween place, you're looking for MORE is healthy, personal change, growth, challenge, new personal relationships aside what you currently have.  Is it time to go out and get it, get your needs met? Have you considered volunteering, that can be a great way to meet likeminded people.

Yep I like your point as we move to radical acceptance what is, is real, we adjust to our unique situation ... .we grow.

[Daisy123]

Hi Lolipop,
I’m with Wendy- I am so sorry and sad to hear your friends didn’t even acknowledge your son. That’s just rude.

I am just so glad you were able to enjoy your friends.

I am a bit in the same boat as most who have responded here, cautious of what I say for fear of judgement or how friends go right into problem solving, which done out of love and concern, it’s just a bit tiresome trying to listen intently when suggestions begin to fly.

My father-in-law suggested we sell our home and move, my sister-in-law suggested DD go off meds. Two of my closest friends suggested I threaten H into therapy.

I, too have noticed with some friends that  the minute small talk turns deep, someone redirects and small talk begins again. It can be really frustrating  being myself and I just go into listening and question mode. I just start asking questions that keep the conversation light and about them- especially if I get that vibe of judgement. And mentioning borderline? Eegads.

Mental illnesses that seem more okay to discuss is anxiety and maybe depression. Many of my friends who are parents have kids who have suffered some form of anxiety or another.
Borderline has such a bad reputation as a disease caused by the mother’s poor interactions with a child. And, true as it may be, I wish I had found this board 6 years ago... .My DD20 might be so much more different. I still won’t put my neck out there to discuss what’s gone on in our home. The yelling, fights, refusals, drug use and risky behaviors our loved ones is often misunderstood and they are considered ‘bad’

I’m just grateful I’ve found this board and Family Connections.

[1hope]

This is such a great thread!  Along with all of you, I sometimes find conversations with friends to be very difficult when it comes to this topic.  I have only shared the "intimate details" with a couple of close friends.   Other friends that I have known for a long time (through work etc.) get "some" information.  They know my DD has gone through difficult times, but not about the suicide attempts, hospitalizations etc.  I feel like I need to protect my daughter's privacy, but on some level it's also because I don't want to be judged too.  I don't know how much to share at times, so I'll just say that she is still trying to figure things out when they ask if she's going to college or university next year.  I have told them about anxiety/depression, but the BPD has not been mentioned.  

I don't know what the future will hold, but I do see small changes in her.  She has a part time job, and is on social assistance, so she is (mostly) supporting herself.  We help with the bus pass and cell phone for now.  She went back to high school part time to upgrade some marks.  She lives in a student apartment (although she hates it and is in conflict with her roommates).  These all show progress, but not to other people who don't understand.  For now, I'm sharing with those closest to me... .that's what I can handle.  I guess we do what we need to do!  

I'm so thankful to everyone on this site!  It allows me to share without being judged!