Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Everyone has a point at which trusting a BPD spouse becomes or will become impossible. I have reached that point.

She has recently been committed into short term care and completed a program revolving around suicide and substance abuse, DCF is involved and has an open case against her, we have had to go to court because of an altercation she had in the bar of a family style restaurant, she has been diagnosed with breast cancer, she FELL OF A 40ft LEDGE into a river and went to the ER and I didn't even know until the next day, I still don't know if she was impaired, suicidal, or clumsy. And then, just to put a cherry on top after she lost her phone in the river, she used my computer to access Facebook and left herself logged in... .and yup, boyfriend.

So now I have doubt to what I have attested to DCF that she has been attending NA meetings, that her absences from the house were legitimate, and pretty much everything she has claimed about her job search, cancer treatment, and substance abuse recovery.

So on Saturday night I confronted her with it in the course of a texting conversation (I am refusing to have voice communication with her as I want an audit trail) and asked her to not come home. We had some discussion about mother's day and I let her know that I was not denying her access to our son and reaffirmed that I am not denying her access to our home, only asking her to not be there and even ensure that I stated overtly that I cannot legally bar her from the home (at this time)

On Sunday she waited until 9:30am to get in touch with me to see our son for Mother's day, and then agreed to see him at 4pm when I had even offered her an earlier time. She took him out for pizza and to the park and I ensured that he got her flowers and a card. He was home early and she dropped him off in the driveway and at least she didn't come in.

This is a point I should have reached years ago and I can only blame myself for putting trust in her. Now I am going to resolve this and ensure that my son and my own needs are met and that I can limit my contact with her to the largest extent possible.

[Tired_Dad]

Everyone has a point at which trusting a BPD spouse becomes or will become impossible. I have reached that point.

She has recently been committed into short term care and completed a program revolving around suicide and substance abuse, DCF is involved and has an open case against her, we have had to go to court because of an altercation she had in the bar of a family style restaurant, she has been diagnosed with breast cancer, she FELL OF A 40ft LEDGE into a river and went to the ER and I didn't even know until the next day, I still don't know if she was impaired, suicidal, or clumsy. And then, just to put a cherry on top after she lost her phone in the river, she used my computer to access Facebook and left herself logged in... .and yup, boyfriend.

So now I have doubt to what I have attested to DCF that she has been attending NA meetings, that her absences from the house were legitimate, and pretty much everything she has claimed about her job search, cancer treatment, and substance abuse recovery.

So on Saturday night I confronted her with it in the course of a texting conversation (I am refusing to have voice communication with her as I want an audit trail) and asked her to not come home. We had some discussion about mother's day and I let her know that I was not denying her access to our son and reaffirmed that I am not denying her access to our home, only asking her to not be there and even ensure that I stated overtly that I cannot legally bar her from the home (at this time)

On Sunday she waited until 9:30am to get in touch with me to see our son for Mother's day, and then agreed to see him at 4pm when I had even offered her an earlier time. She took him out for pizza and to the park and I ensured that he got her flowers and a card. He was home early and she dropped him off in the driveway and at least she didn't come in.

This is a point I should have reached years ago and I can only blame myself for putting trust in her. Now I am going to resolve this and ensure that my son and my own needs are met and that I can limit my contact with her to the largest extent possible.

[livednlearned]

Oh wow.

Where to start.

Are you doing ok? I mean, it's hard to imagine what ok is like when you have all of this going on.

Not to mention, those holidays when we help our kids pick out gifts for the other parent -- oof.

Can you remind us how old your son is?

It sounds like you have already contacted an attorney?

[Tired_Dad]

Hey lived,

My son is 10.

I have contacted an attorney and I am hopefully going to get to his office today at lunch to pay my retainer to get this rolling.

To be blunt, she has been mostly absent from our lives for a long time and fairly toxic overall when she does interact. My son has been asking "where is mom" and has been upset that she has so many appointments. To find out that her time away has been for reasons other than appointments breaks my heart for him.

For me, I am actually more ok now than I was before. I am releasing myself from my emotional "responsibility" to her and basically looking at the situation as maintaining a financial status quo while now being able to put my emotional resources to raising my son and for moving forward with my own life.

[livednlearned]

Even when they aren't involved, it's still hard, isn't it?

The pain of seeing a kid yearn for his parent is excruciating.

Go easy on yourself about trusting her.

If she is like my ex, the adherence to a false self is so integrated with personality that it's all but impossible to tease any true reality out of that.

And many of us stayed because we had kids.

Knowing what I know now about the divorce and custody process with a high conflict person, I forgive myself for being afraid to divorce.

It is no walk in the park.

Will you contact only the one attorney, or do you have a plan to reach out to others?

[Tired_Dad]

I intend on retaining the one attorney.

He came highly recommended for being able to stand up for fathers in custody cases. I will know more on Friday when I meet with him, but as of now unless he is unwilling to take my business he is the one.

[ForeverDad]

One of our members here said, "I know when my ex is lying when I see her mouth move."  That says it all.  Without independent documentation you can't trust anything claimed.  And you can't risk supporting lies nor hiding the truth.

Did she attend NA?  You truly can't vouch for her.
Where was she when she was gone from the home?  You truly don't know.
How extensive was her job search?  You truly don't know.
How far along is her substance abuse recovery?  You truly don't know.
Does she really have cancer and get treatment?  You truly don't know.
If she lied about that, yikes!  What else will turn up?

This has been said many times so I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember from the original Star Trek series the starship Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

[Tired_Dad]

The only thing that I am certain of is that she has cancer. Everything else is speculation.

[Tired_Dad]

Went to our scheduled "Marriage Counseling" last night.

We made some tentative agreements to move forward. She seems to understand that I did not kick her out, that I asked her not to come to the house. Specifically when I am home. This may seem like semantics, but I recognize that I do not have legal authority to bar her entrance to the house.

I let her know that I am sensitive to her cancer treatment and she revealed to me that she has Stage 3 breast cancer in one of her breasts. Her prognosis is good as of now from what I understand, but I am researching options to formalize our arrangement in order to keep her in treatment. No matter what she is the mother of my child and she deserves medical care and since she can't work now I can't currently bring myself to work towards a path that could significantly put her health at risk.

I told her that all financial arrangements that are in place will remain in place for now until we can sit down and hash out all of it. What sucks is I was in the middle of setting up a refinance of our home in order to consolidate debt and now I have to rethink that plan. I believe that I can get her to agree to it as it will benefit her also and make it easier to care for my son.

She didn't deny that she was speaking to him. She did try to re-characterize the situation but she stopped after I let her know that I made screen shots of the conversation. I found it amusing that she tried to say that she found things on the computer that I left there because she was snooping and then was immediately offended that I was snooping. That got shut down real fast by both me and our therapist.

I am meeting with a lawyer on Friday and getting everything together. I need a plan that protects my son and me and that doesn't leave us exposed to her instability

[ForeverDad]

I let her know that I am sensitive to her cancer treatment and she revealed to me that she has Stage 3 breast cancer in one of her breasts. Her prognosis is good as of now from what I understand, but I am researching options to formalize our arrangement in order to keep her in treatment. No matter what she is the mother of my child and she deserves medical care and since she can't work now I can't currently bring myself to work towards a path that could significantly put her health at risk.

So you've seen her doctor paperwork?  That's good.  Anything less and I'd seriously worry that she is guilting you and stringing you along with emotionally convincing claims.  Strange that she has stage 3 and yet her prognosis is good.  Stage 3 means it has spread beyond the breast such as to the lymph nodes, chest wall, etc.  When does she have surgery, radiation or whatever scheduled?  (What I'm saying is that there are no limits a person with acting-out personality disorder too low to stoop to, can look you in the eyes and still blatantly lie.)

[Tired_Dad]

ForeverDad,

You have actually hit on something that in my research I saw today.

However, she does have cancer. Verified by her mother and father and by documentation.

Stage 3 doesn't fit from what she told me. She only had her lymph nodes biopsied yesterday so and she is also telling me that it is only in one breast. It is possible that it has spread to surrounding muscle and skin but I have no documentation or statements from her about that.

She is actively resisting starting chemo which is supposed to start on Friday. If it is stage 2 that is a risk for it spreading, if it is stage 3 that is a risk of her dying sooner.

I am not on her care plan, and I am only going to provide her access to health insurance as I feel that it an ethical line that I cannot cross. Beyond that everything else is subject to change.

[Tired_Dad]

Went to my Lawyer today and had a good meeting. Paid the retainer and we are getting things moving.