I dont know if this is worth it anymore

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been hovering between this board and the bettering a relationship one. I keep going back and forth whether I am willing to put in what it will take to continue to have a future.

My pwBPD is literally driving me crazy. I understand more of why she does what she does now but I am so unbelievably exhausted dealing with being on alert 24/7. She was upset none of her kids bought anything for mothers day, I got her breakfast in bed, watched some movies with her and generally tried to give her a pleasant day as much as I could and she seemed appreciative at the time. Next day I had a counselling and dentist appointment, she got angry at me that I wasnt where she thought I was for my counselling appointment and texted me three times during it. She was pissed about me going anyway because I switched from her counsellor to one only I was seeing and  in her words "yeah you think we are all against you". I told this to my counsellor and expected she would interrogate me when I got home as she no longer has her counsellor to "check in" on me. Then I went to the dentist telling her what I was getting done, and while in the dental chair for 1.5 hours got 2 phone calls and 3 messages. Turned out it was just her family dramas back home and getting stressed about stuff that had nothing to do with anything important.
Later that night I spent an hour trying to fix a printer so she can print all of her 200 pages of law exam notes and the exam was first thing next morning and freaked out on me. I drove to the shops 10 minutes before closing, found a printer with ink, spent about 30 minutes setting it up and then went to be as she wouldnt leave her computer screen for me to set it up on her computer and print them. She got me up again around 10.30 and was ready and spent almost an hour printing them all out and having to find some soultion for her to separate them all as there was no staplers around. Eventually got them all done and went to be around midnight. Next day while work I ask how the exam went and she spent 30 minutes complaining how she caught our daughter in a lie and was videotaping evidence to prove it and was going to kick her out and then, dont worry its all sorted nothing for you to deal with. I am already stressed out beyond belief at this point and had to pick up two pond items for the back yard after work about 2 hours away from home. I checked in after picking up the last item that I was heading home as she always gets paranoid. Got 2 more calls on the way home asking where I was and how long I was going to be and please hurry. Got home at 8pm and less than 3 minutes after I sat down she unleashed on me how everything is against her here, and she just wants to move country immediately (she has 3 years left on her degree) and when I said it wasnt a good idea to leave with school just over emotion, I got told "see! thats why I cant talk to you and can only talk to my family".

I went to bed and since then getting messages how shes decided shes going to leave she has wanted this the whole time and is just going to do this for herself and doesnt care about school or kids but hopes I come along, if I want to. And thats where I am right now, back at work and getting messages about flight mode.

Right now I am thinking, what kind of future am I working towards? I dont know if I can keep doing this my whole life, knowing the kind of constant manipulative treatment I will continue to get. I need to figure out if this is really worth it because I dont even know anymore. I hate my job yet work has been my only real sanctuary lately.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

I have been hovering between this board and the bettering a relationship one. I keep going back and forth whether I am willing to put in what it will take to continue to have a future.

My pwBPD is literally driving me crazy. I understand more of why she does what she does now but I am so unbelievably exhausted dealing with being on alert 24/7. She was upset none of her kids bought anything for mothers day, I got her breakfast in bed, watched some movies with her and generally tried to give her a pleasant day as much as I could and she seemed appreciative at the time. Next day I had a counselling and dentist appointment, she got angry at me that I wasnt where she thought I was for my counselling appointment and texted me three times during it. She was pissed about me going anyway because I switched from her counsellor to one only I was seeing and  in her words "yeah you think we are all against you". I told this to my counsellor and expected she would interrogate me when I got home as she no longer has her counsellor to "check in" on me. Then I went to the dentist telling her what I was getting done, and while in the dental chair for 1.5 hours got 2 phone calls and 3 messages. Turned out it was just her family dramas back home and getting stressed about stuff that had nothing to do with anything important.
Later that night I spent an hour trying to fix a printer so she can print all of her 200 pages of law exam notes and the exam was first thing next morning and freaked out on me. I drove to the shops 10 minutes before closing, found a printer with ink, spent about 30 minutes setting it up and then went to be as she wouldnt leave her computer screen for me to set it up on her computer and print them. She got me up again around 10.30 and was ready and spent almost an hour printing them all out and having to find some soultion for her to separate them all as there was no staplers around. Eventually got them all done and went to be around midnight. Next day while work I ask how the exam went and she spent 30 minutes complaining how she caught our daughter in a lie and was videotaping evidence to prove it and was going to kick her out and then, dont worry its all sorted nothing for you to deal with. I am already stressed out beyond belief at this point and had to pick up two pond items for the back yard after work about 2 hours away from home. I checked in after picking up the last item that I was heading home as she always gets paranoid. Got 2 more calls on the way home asking where I was and how long I was going to be and please hurry. Got home at 8pm and less than 3 minutes after I sat down she unleashed on me how everything is against her here, and she just wants to move country immediately (she has 3 years left on her degree) and when I said it wasnt a good idea to leave with school just over emotion, I got told "see! thats why I cant talk to you and can only talk to my family".

I went to bed and since then getting messages how shes decided shes going to leave she has wanted this the whole time and is just going to do this for herself and doesnt care about school or kids but hopes I come along, if I want to. And thats where I am right now, back at work and getting messages about flight mode.

Right now I am thinking, what kind of future am I working towards? I dont know if I can keep doing this my whole life, knowing the kind of constant manipulative treatment I will continue to get. I need to figure out if this is really worth it because I dont even know anymore. I hate my job yet work has been my only real sanctuary lately.

[formflier]

I'm exhausted from reading all of that, I can only too well imagine what it is like to actually live the life that you describe.

Hey... .I can "feel" how much effort you have been putting into this relationship and I can tell that you are kinda "tapped out" and don't want to keep dumping effort into this thing... .right?  Am I on the right track about your feelings?

What if I suggested that all of your effort was actually "feeding" a bad dynamic and that if you "put less energy in" your relationship would likely improve.

I would suggest that you hang out with us her on conflicted for a few weeks or month and get the feel of things. 

Thoughts?

FF

[BurntOutFromBPD]

I'm exhausted from reading all of that, I can only too well imagine what it is like to actually live the life that you describe.

Hey... .I can "feel" how much effort you have been putting into this relationship and I can tell that you are kinda "tapped out" and don't want to keep dumping effort into this thing... .right?  Am I on the right track about your feelings?

What if I suggested that all of your effort was actually "feeding" a bad dynamic and that if you "put less energy in" your relationship would likely improve.

I would suggest that you hang out with us her on conflicted for a few weeks or month and get the feel of things. 

Thoughts?

FF

Thank you for your response. That was just a very condensed version of previous 2 days, I am beyond exhaustion now. As my username suggests I am definitely feeling completely "tapped out" or burnt out from the rollercoaster. I can see how my effort have been somehow making things worse, its part of my frustration. I think to myself almost daily, why do I keep doing all this stuff for her when the end result is the same? But I am finding it very hard to get a balance between healthy space, and feeding further chasms with avoidance. It feels like a Pendulum, the more effort I put in the more it swings back. If I do nothing, I am uncaring and just making plans to leave, but if I do everything to be a perfect husband, I have to be dragged down back to the level she is comfortable with me in. I was apprehensive to sit down and talk with her after getting home last night because of that "sense" I have with her mood but if I separated myself she would have sought me out and the end result would probably have been the same or similar. The push me away , pull me in dynamic has left me with nothing much left except trying to go through the motions as much as possible and keep my head above water until I can breathe properly again.

I agree I am more in the tolerating or conflicting place right now and this would be better to be able to get my head together and strength back so I can , if possible, manage and use the tools to have a working relationship with my wife. I feel trapped right now, and the more I try and find space for myself and get into a better place, she is trying to make sure I cannot do that. She cant control what I do or think if I have space or independence and the fight between that control is what my counselor believes is what she is trying to do. And I have nothing left for that dance right now. The constant messages have stopped and will get silent treatment for next day or two most likely and then she will act like nothing ever happened and everything is great again. Until the next time.

[formflier]

  If I do nothing, I am uncaring and just making plans to leave,

Ugg... .why on earth would you ever think this about yourself?

FF

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Ugg... .why on earth would you ever think this about yourself?

FF

Because I have been told this repeatedly for years.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

The rollercoaster continues. I spent an hour last night trying to convince my wife not to drop her course the day before her last exam of the semester. She got very offended for me trying to "force her" to stay in something for another 2 years when she doesnt want to do it. The truth is she has wanted to finish school as a life long goal since I met her 18 years ago. Every time she got in, after about a year would want to move again. Eventually I went to bed assuring her I only want her to stay in it because I have known her for 18 years and believe she will regret it later and she dug her heels in every time I suggested she stay like it was me forcing my wants on her. Then she would talk about staying and finishing the degree and always wanting it and then if I talk about how we can manage it for the next 2 years and then can move anywhere she wanted, it turned back to I'm against her and not supporting what she wants. Basically I could be on the EXACT same page as her but if I am responding to her initiating the idea it is ok, if it comes across as initiated by me in any way then it is resisted against.

So anyway this morning I found she went to the store as she ran out of printer ink and came back and I helped her print the notes for the exam at 8.30am which was due to start at 9am. Went to work and that was that. I am really unsettled by this current behaviour though, where I cannot say or initate anything, but if I hold back I am accused of keeping secrets and checking out of the marriage. I am staying firm but goddamn I am tired. Just so so tired.

[formflier]

  I am staying firm but goddamn I am tired. Just so so tired.

I'm sure you are... that certainly seems exhausting.

Can I challenge you to relax some today and take care of yourself.  Do something special... .just for you.


I would also challenge you to take some of your downtime and read the article below.  Then read your post... and reflect on your relationship.

What role could boundaries play in your relationship?  How could boundaries help you conserve your precious energy?

FF

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[Red5]

The rollercoaster continues.

I spent an hour last night trying to convince my wife not to drop her course the day before her last exam of the semester.

I am really unsettled by this current behavior…

… where I cannot say or initiate anything, but if I hold back I am accused of keeping secrets and checking out of the marriage.

I am staying firm but goddamn I am tired.

Just so so tired.

Good Afternoon BurntOutFromBPD,

Yes, I echo FF, you need a “me” day.

Sounds like, as I read your post, that you are doing whatever you can to help your wife, I’ll call this rescuing,

However, with a BPD, the more you rescue, the more they; pw/BPD will “move the goal post” on you so to speak.

The more you play, and play hard, at the game, of “helping/rescuing”… seems as though by the time you are expecting to run over the goal line, she has moved it yet again…

I say this often to myself, and here on these boards… “this is utterly exhausting”.

I liken this to the mission of a recue swimmer (RS), the RS sees the drowning victim thrashing about in the deep end of the pool, so the RS grabs ahold of his rescue floatie, and jumps in, but when the RS reaches the drowning swimmer, the drowning swimmer GRABS onto the RS, clawing his face, and now the rescue floatie is ejected away, and now quite useless, as the RS try’s to calm the drowning swimmer, it is to no avail, and soon enough now they are both sinking, out of breath, and in peril of both drowning,

SO! what do you do… You erect a “boundary”… you are not drowning (yet)… so just let go of them, and sink a little… they will let you go now, and you can swim away, and catch your breath, and try it again… if you don’t do this, you are both done for… “letting go” is the only option.

Yes, a boundary, something like this,“You keep this up, and I am going to have let you go, so freaking calm down, and think about this”… “I can help you, but you’re going to have to STOP fighting me,ok!”

Boundaries… they do work, as FF is speaking of.

Not an “overnight thing”… implementing these boundaries; it takes time, and she is going to yell at you, and call you names, and let you have it with the “you you you” guns… but she needs to calm down, or she is going to drive you both nuts!

Again, watch it with the constant rescuing, there is a time and a place for it, but when our mates; pw/BPD create a drama event, ie; waiting till the last minute to do something, ie’ prepare for an exam, and then they have an “F” it extermination burst and try to scuttle the whole affair… not cool.

When the constant “BPD’ism’s” seem to overrun, and overwhelm, and completely deplete our (your) ability to cope/handle/preserver, I call this “getting lost in it (BPD)”.

Then you are no good to anyone, and any rescuing will indeed cease anyway at that point.

Hope all this helps, keep posting,

Red5

[BurntOutFromBPD]

I would also challenge you to take some of your downtime and read the article below.  Then read your post... and reflect on your relationship.

What role could boundaries play in your relationship?  How could boundaries help you conserve your precious energy?

FF

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Thank you for the link to the article. This is a big area for me I have always had problems with. Not just with my wife but my family and childhood etc, and spent years putting up boundaries with my family which ulimately failed to the point I went NC and have been for a number of months. I dont want to go to that place with my wife, but finding that balance between healthy boundaries and ultimatums or massive walls has been difficult for me. Probably the biggest area in my life I need to work on, and discuss with my counsellor. At least I have independent counselling now and can start taking steps to be me again. Because I truly dislike what I have become.

[formflier]

  putting up boundaries with my family which ulimately failed to the point I went NC and have been for a number of months. 

If you would like... .we could start a new thread just about boundaries.  Specifically they ones you have tried before and you suggest "failed".

Big picture:  Many people erroneously believe a boundary is a tool to modify someone else's behavior.  "I used a boundary, yet they still do (fill in the blank)."  (wrong thinking)

A boundary is to protect you and your values.

So... going NC or an estrangement is a form of "boundary enforcement" which is usually very effective.  Perhaps police would be the next step.

Anyway... .the "measure of success" is are you protected by your boundary.  Trying to measure a boundary by someone else's behavior or the level of boundary enforcement needed... .doesn't seem quite right to me.

I'm estranged (by my choice) from my in-laws.  My life is much better now, since I am protected from their toxicity.

Would I like to have in-laws that are nice... sure.  But it's not my boundary that failed... .

See the difference?

FF

[MrRight]

BurntOutFromBPD I am on a similar rollercoaster from hell.

Yes I get zillions of texts and calls while I am out and around too. I also have been through the printer nightmare - spent several hundred dollars on ink cartridges (have to be originals) so that she can print out stuff that could be done for a fraction of the cost at a print shop and if she sends a doc for print and anything goes wrong (paper out) she will go into a rage.

at least you have your work as a refuge

I work from home and so does she!

[BurntOutFromBPD]

I left to take a break for a few days. I know this will probably cause more problems down the line for "leaving her" but I just need a break for a few days for my physical and mental health. I am sick and pushing through illness with work projects due that have been working on for almost a year and the current "phase" has drained on me where I do not have the energy to manage things at home while I am battling my own physical and mental issues. I need to look after myself for a few days.

[Gemsforeyes]

Good for you for seeing to your needs.  My friend there is that saying, "keep your head where your feet are", meaning let go of what she may say or do when you return.  That simply cannot matter for now or the next few days.  Or even upon your return.

Just breathe in where you are.  Rest yourself, have a nice quiet cup of tea or coffee by yourself, mute your phone, listen to some music.  And take a bubble bath - yep, even men can soak in bubbles and love it.  This is ONLY about you.  Period. 

You've earned quiet and solace. 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Good for you for seeing to your needs.  My friend there is that saying, "keep your head where your feet are", meaning let go of what she may say or do when you return.  That simply cannot matter for now or the next few days.  Or even upon your return.

Just breathe in where you are.  Rest yourself, have a nice quiet cup of tea or coffee by yourself, mute your phone, listen to some music.  And take a bubble bath - yep, even men can soak in bubbles and love it.  This is ONLY about you.  Period. 

You've earned quiet and solace. 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

The inevitable backlash of me taking time out has already started. I am persona non grata right now, but I guess I have to just keep my cool and maintain myself. She is feeling abandoned and betrayed I can tell so I know she will make me hurt for it.