Over a month of NC and I hate myself

[Sargeras]

I'm out of carrots and I'm out of sticks, time and again I find myself to be absolutely exhausted with the mere prospect of talking to my ex again. 6 weeks ago we went over a week without speaking to each other after I cut her out, and she messaged me a week later to text/call me to leave her the f alone, etc etc even when I hadn't spoken to her? I ignored her calls and the text. Regardless, she's dating a new guy as of right now after her previous bf broke up with her. I know this because I cracked and looked at her blog tonight. It just breaks my ___ing heart thinking about how much she hates me. One of the posts on her blog two days after she called me read something to the effect of: I wonder why I wasted so much of my time and energy on guys with the emotional understanding and maturity of a paperclip before now.

Part of me kind of wants to hear from her again. This just seems like the most drawn out and emotionally taxing ordeal I've ever been thru. I would honestly jump for joy if I heard from her again. I want to talk to her, but I feel like she would just shoot me down and step on my neck.

I hate what I've become. I hate the fact that so much of my happiness is/was ever hinged on this person.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sarge, Don't beat yourself up!  It's doubtful that anything you might have done would have changed the outcome.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace.  A BPD r/s is akin to an addiction in the the sense that we know it's unhealthy yet we still want it to continue.  Why do you think you are still so obsessed w/her?  Usually the answer has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  Maybe this is true for you?  Fill us in when you can.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

hi Sargeras,

i was catching up on your story, and i see that you posted on the Bettering board (good move) and attempted/were kind of on again/off again friends, and that that was tough going.

one thing stood out to me though: has taking the time to really grieve the loss of the relationship been a part of your process?

[Sargeras]

Thank you for responses guys. It's hard to pinpoint why exactly there's this theme of me following people around like a lost dog/looking for validation in my life. I think her and I mirror each other in that sense. I couldn't really say what the source of this obsession is because I didn't go through any childhood trauma and I consider my upbringing to be pretty normal and healthy.

Honestly it's just some of my own personality traits (need to be accepted, liked, whatever) coupled with her BPD that has resulted in this whole debacle. It's difficult for me to think about and accept the possibility of not hearing from her again. It's difficult for me to think about and accept that maybe she really doesn't like me. There's days when I do not care about these things and think about how tired I am and was with her ___, and then there's day's where it's overlooked and I feel empty and miss her.

I pride myself on having ignored her latest attempt to communicate with me and at least walk away on my own terms and have some respect for myself and my own wants. I'm sure I did the right thing as I believe if I had picked up the phone she would've just barked at me and put me down. She's only ever left on her own terms. My doing this given our long history together just serves to rattle her. I feel bad for not having answered her. It's as though I'm not providing her with a sense of safety and security as I have in years past?

Ultimately, this relationship we had was strongly related to my pitying her and going out of my way to help her through that prism of viewing things.

I don't want to recover a year from now and get sucked back in to this as I hear it is not uncommon for pwBPD to come back if they need a security blanket and are feeling desperate. At the same time, it would  bother me if she did not come back as I want to leave things on a good note with her.

Rock and a hard place.

[Lucky Jim]

I don't want to recover a year from now and get sucked back in to this as I hear it is not uncommon for pwBPD to come back if they need a security blanket and are feeling desperate. At the same time, it would  bother me if she did not come back as I want to leave things on a good note with her.

Hey Sarge, What do you meant by that, above?  What would you like to see happen?  LJ

[Sargeras]

Thank you for answering.

I want her back, to be 100% honest with you. I'd love to hear from her, though I don't know what I'd say. Some days, most days I'd say, I feel alright without her. And on some days, I get lonely towards the evening and begin to think about her and the fact that she is with somebody else enjoying life without me. I viewed her blog the night I made this post and it hurt me greatly. It sucks even considering the possibility that I won't hear from her again. Poof she's gone.

Ultimately, I'd attribute a lot of these feelings to my not going NC with her when she broke up with me nearly a year ago. I'm really just beginning the healing process. I am committed to not contacting her as I know it is best for my mental health, although sometimes it is hard. I'm just ready to feel better about this.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sargeras, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  It's normal to imagine a recycle as an avenue of relief, but the reality is that most who recycle (including me) only find themselves back in the same place further down the line, except with more pain.  Your task, I suggest, is to work through the pain, which involves some heavy-lifting.  Have you considered seeing a T?  That might be a good start on your path towards recovery.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

theres a lot on your plate, Sargeras, and none of it is easy.

what steps are you taking in terms of building a new life? are you seeing a therapist to work with those personality traits? additionally, you might consider opening a thread on the Learning board to do some reflection and get some feedback.

hard to say. at some of my worst times, it helped to switch the focus to me, and at others, it helped to focus more on grieving and working through it.