Just need to air it to anybody , My wife was difficult now i find impossible .

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello ,
Where do I begin ?
I am sorry but this is going to be a long winded message so please bare with me , maybe i am simply writing all of this to at least share it with someone , i do not know .
I met my wife 6 years ago while i was away overseas working playing professional sport for my country against her country (please forgive me for being vague and not giving too much info ) , I met her during an exhibition evening doing my sport , and I have to say , the attraction  was love at first sight , I feel for both of us it was , we had a photo taken together as lots of photos were being taken at the time , and she was there with 2 of her friends that evening .I asked her friends if she was in a relationship and they said "no" and I started to chat to her but she was extremely shy , we arranged a date for the next night and we went out and had a nice meal and got to know each other etc , then arranged a date for another night and had a lovely time , we had so much in common and we were both the same age , she had a grown up son (aged 22) and I had a daughter aged 22 , and we simply clicked and there was an attraction between both us .
I had to come back home to the UK a few days later so we kept in touch via social media and whassap and phone calls / skype and we could both see that this was leading somewhere nice .
^ months went by and I got a flight to have 2 weeks with her at her home , that went fantastic , 4 months later I did the same , and again it went great , she was simply perfect in my eyes ... we both knew that a decision about the relationship will have to be made so I flew again to her a few months later and we discussed the future .
She told me that she worked for her Fathers business and that the business was doing well etc , so i decided to give up my job and move my life to her and apply for a visa to live in her country ... Leaving my family was heartbreaking , and to be honest after a few weeks i was struggling and missing my country and family so much .
My wife came here to the UK to meet my family and they thought that she was amazing also and were happy for me .
After moving to the new country and living with her for only 2 weeks , I started to get alarm signals concerning her behaviour , some characteristics that she had begun to show were of a completely different person to the lady that I had been seeing and communicating with for the last couple of years prior .
My phone was constantly being checked and suspicion , jealousy , anger , silent treatment , negativity... .you name it , she was showing it on a regular basis , 99% of the time for no reason whatsoever .
Also , within a few weeks of living there it came to my attention that her 2 bothers and their wives simply did not want to know her ... coming from a very close family as mine is , i felt that this was strange as she is (or was ) such a shy , silent type and lovely gentle person ... I also found it very quickly that she was working for her Father , but only a few hours per week and for such little salary it was unaffordable for her to maintain a home , then i realised that she was so close to lose her home due to unpaid rent etc ... .I confronted her about her family issues in a kind and loving way , and I asked her about her unpaid rent and possible soon to be eviction and was met with sheer uncontrollable anger , silent treatment and a responce of "who are you to judge me " etc ... .I thought that due to the sacrifices that i had made , i was within my rights to question these things as if i had know this , then it could have been arranged for me to stay in the UK and she could come to the UK instead of me giving everything up , that would have made more sense than me moving to a new country and to homeless within 4 weeks of arriving .
I stayed for 3 months , and then basically said that I should go back home to the UK and start again , getting a house , furnishing it , getting a job etc ... .I asked her to come back with me as a short holiday and she agreed and she would then have to return to her country and we could apply for a spousal visa for her , and that is what we did .
The 3 months that i spent living with her in her country were turbulent and argumentative to say the least , but we put it down to simply learning to live with each other , maybe a language barrier etc ... .but my gut feeling told me that something still was not right with this lady , but I decided to give her more time and to take a chance because i was by now in love with her , I also put these insecurities down to the number of times that we had to say "goodbye" to each other and the long distance relationship , which is difficult .
At this time , the only info that I knew about her was that she seemed to have so much in common with me , raising a child into adulthood , her son was now at Uni , my daughter a lovely young lady , she liked nature and walks , so did i , she was not a materialistic person , neither am i , and she seemed so much similar to me that I am a very giving and caring person , doing lots for charity , and I really appreciate how blessed i have been in life and what I have , I never complain about petty things and am generally easy going in nature .
I am so sorry but this story seems to be going on and on ... .I will cut this very long story a little shorter and get to the point .
I have now found out a few things that sit difficult with me about her , and i will get to those soon .
To put it bluntly , from day 1 of moving in with her in her country it was difficult , difficult socially and in the house .
She has been here living with me in my country now for 3 and a half years , and in that time we got married ... .all of the things that i thought she was insecure about i thought that i could give her , marriage , security , a new loving family , even an ex wife that happily will chat to her and hand our grandchildren over to her , she hates all of it !... .Absolutely everything that i told her about my life in the beginning , my children , my grandchildren , my family , my job , my social circle even my ex wife and how we all get along for the sake of the extended family ... .she loved the thought of that peaceful lifestyle , and she could not wait to join us and to be welcomed in ... .in the early days of our relationship that was what she loved about us all ... .oh my word she has changed that within these 3 and a half years ... .she has made me a nervous wreck ... .any time that i want to spend with my family is made so uncomfortable due to jealousy and anger because  of my time not being spent on her  , my job is made so uncomfortable also , due to me having female co workers , i go through hell over this and she has basically de humanised everybody in my social circle , my workplace , and is slowly de humanising my family members to the point where i cannot comfortably talk to her about my day at work , visiting my daughter or even chatting to a friend on the phone when she is not there to hear the conversation ... ,All of these things are made into a terrible suspicious atmosphere ... .to the point where i now feel isolated from anybody who used to be in my social circle ... .my sport / hobby has basically gone ... .i do not know where i find the energy to do my job anymore ... .i am now like a zombie , staying silent to avoid conflict ,basically walking on eggshells... .while she has a lovely time going out meeting new friends , building up a nice social circle , talking to me with excitement and enthusiasm about her job and co workers , wearing anything she wants to and looking lovely , ( i write this because if i go out dressing nice or even if i have a haircut ... ,.the gates of hell open )
Basically she has no guilt or shame or does not even see that the only thing that i want out of life is exactly what she now has ... .peace , freedom , trust , faith and other people in life ... its that simple .
Anyway , in addition to all of this behaviour and suffering in silence which has affected my health in a big way ... .the constant walking on eggshells , conflict , terrible verbal fights , suspicion , mistrust and basically any other relationship negative that i can think of ,i am living through and just about surviving ... .4 months ago i had a full on brain seizure (the Neurologist said that my body had taken so much and basically shut down as a warning to me ) ,now i have been diagnosed with Atrial Fibrilation of the heart ... I have never felt so ill in my life , and I am convinced this has all come from immense stress within the relationship .
My Mother passed away last year , and during the grieving process my wife would come home from work and attack me for not greeting her in what i call "an Airport greeting way " , i am sure that you can work out what that means ... .   she did not understand that maybe i am a little quiet because of the loss of my mother and the stress of comforting family memebers etc ... .she simply had no emapathy at all for anybody ... .she would act as if she did ... .but her feelings did not feel honest at all , she would show sympathy in a movie style way and then quickly change the subject to her getting her nails or hair done and laughing and excitement ... .seconds after chatting about grieving , i simply could not switch the conversation so quickly and my emotions so quickly , very surreal .
And now to the punchline ... .Her behaviour patterns seemed far too immature for a woman of her age that has brought up a child into adulthood , run a home and had different jobs etc ... .she seemed to have the maturity of a teenage girl in our relationship ... .and to be honest , with no exaggeration , she has the responsibility and consequence ideals of a 5 year old !... this has made me check back on her past and to see if there is a pattern , i did this by knowing a few friends within my sport from her hometown and country , i know that this is rather intrusive into her past life , and that morally maybe i shouldnt have done this , but I did as i was getting no answers from her family members and i was absolutely desperate to find things out so that i could maybe help her in recovery if needed , so i needed to know where this behaviour comes from .
Unfortunately , this action of mine has made me feel even worse towards her ,
I found out that she has had numerous turbulent relationships , also that she lied to me , she did not bring up her son , he was taken away from her when he was 7 years old and she only seen him 1 weekend per month if he was lucky , right up to the age of 18 ... .also that she was in a long term relationship with a heroin addict  , and that she had been involved in drug abuse , and the biggy ... .that she was arrested by police after her house was raided and they found drugs in the house , she spent a couple of days in jail ... .which in turn means that she has frauded her visa here , and I am her sponsor for her to live here with me .
All of the above goes completely against my way of living , like i say we are a close family , we all hate drugs and the problems that they cause , even in divorce within our family the focus is always on the poor children being looked after and loved .
Now I understand more clearly why her close family do not want anything to do with her , they have tried and tried about the way she has lived her life and they have failed , only to face the wrath of her anger ... .I have so much confusion , embarrassment  , low confidence , stress and i must add , i now have anger within me ... .How did i get hustled /conned so well by this person , how does she morph from a world of drugs and that social circle into a wife /Nanna within a few years ... .and i imagine that she played all parts of her life and morphed into the character of whoever gave her the most attention ... .I have just read all of this back to myself and somehow had a little laugh to myself and thought "how have i been so stupid "!... .I have nobody to talk to about this , if i speak to family members about her behaviour and especially her history , then they will send her back on the next flight i just know it , they would not bother to read about BPD or personality disorders , they will simply want me get rid asap ... .and i dont blame them , if a friend or family member told me the info above , i would say the same ... .Thank you for taking the time to read this ... .i have only scratched the surface of her behaviour to be honest , I could go on with scenarios forever about incidents , But i am sure if you are reading this then you guys have gone through similar , or maybe not ! haha... .I dont know what to do , I Love Her ... .but i am struggling now to cope with what i know and what i have experienced ... .thank you again for allowing me to simply air all of this . 

[hope1969]

Hello ,
Where do I begin ?
I am sorry but this is going to be a long winded message so please bare with me , maybe i am simply writing all of this to at least share it with someone , i do not know .
I met my wife 6 years ago while i was away overseas working playing professional sport for my country against her country (please forgive me for being vague and not giving too much info ) , I met her during an exhibition evening doing my sport , and I have to say , the attraction  was love at first sight , I feel for both of us it was , we had a photo taken together as lots of photos were being taken at the time , and she was there with 2 of her friends that evening .I asked her friends if she was in a relationship and they said "no" and I started to chat to her but she was extremely shy , we arranged a date for the next night and we went out and had a nice meal and got to know each other etc , then arranged a date for another night and had a lovely time , we had so much in common and we were both the same age , she had a grown up son (aged 22) and I had a daughter aged 22 , and we simply clicked and there was an attraction between both us .
I had to come back home to the UK a few days later so we kept in touch via social media and whassap and phone calls / skype and we could both see that this was leading somewhere nice .
^ months went by and I got a flight to have 2 weeks with her at her home , that went fantastic , 4 months later I did the same , and again it went great , she was simply perfect in my eyes ... we both knew that a decision about the relationship will have to be made so I flew again to her a few months later and we discussed the future .
She told me that she worked for her Fathers business and that the business was doing well etc , so i decided to give up my job and move my life to her and apply for a visa to live in her country ... Leaving my family was heartbreaking , and to be honest after a few weeks i was struggling and missing my country and family so much .
My wife came here to the UK to meet my family and they thought that she was amazing also and were happy for me .
After moving to the new country and living with her for only 2 weeks , I started to get alarm signals concerning her behaviour , some characteristics that she had begun to show were of a completely different person to the lady that I had been seeing and communicating with for the last couple of years prior .
My phone was constantly being checked and suspicion , jealousy , anger , silent treatment , negativity... .you name it , she was showing it on a regular basis , 99% of the time for no reason whatsoever .
Also , within a few weeks of living there it came to my attention that her 2 bothers and their wives simply did not want to know her ... coming from a very close family as mine is , i felt that this was strange as she is (or was ) such a shy , silent type and lovely gentle person ... I also found it very quickly that she was working for her Father , but only a few hours per week and for such little salary it was unaffordable for her to maintain a home , then i realised that she was so close to lose her home due to unpaid rent etc ... .I confronted her about her family issues in a kind and loving way , and I asked her about her unpaid rent and possible soon to be eviction and was met with sheer uncontrollable anger , silent treatment and a responce of "who are you to judge me " etc ... .I thought that due to the sacrifices that i had made , i was within my rights to question these things as if i had know this , then it could have been arranged for me to stay in the UK and she could come to the UK instead of me giving everything up , that would have made more sense than me moving to a new country and to homeless within 4 weeks of arriving .
I stayed for 3 months , and then basically said that I should go back home to the UK and start again , getting a house , furnishing it , getting a job etc ... .I asked her to come back with me as a short holiday and she agreed and she would then have to return to her country and we could apply for a spousal visa for her , and that is what we did .
The 3 months that i spent living with her in her country were turbulent and argumentative to say the least , but we put it down to simply learning to live with each other , maybe a language barrier etc ... .but my gut feeling told me that something still was not right with this lady , but I decided to give her more time and to take a chance because i was by now in love with her , I also put these insecurities down to the number of times that we had to say "goodbye" to each other and the long distance relationship , which is difficult .
At this time , the only info that I knew about her was that she seemed to have so much in common with me , raising a child into adulthood , her son was now at Uni , my daughter a lovely young lady , she liked nature and walks , so did i , she was not a materialistic person , neither am i , and she seemed so much similar to me that I am a very giving and caring person , doing lots for charity , and I really appreciate how blessed i have been in life and what I have , I never complain about petty things and am generally easy going in nature .
I am so sorry but this story seems to be going on and on ... .I will cut this very long story a little shorter and get to the point .
I have now found out a few things that sit difficult with me about her , and i will get to those soon .
To put it bluntly , from day 1 of moving in with her in her country it was difficult , difficult socially and in the house .
She has been here living with me in my country now for 3 and a half years , and in that time we got married ... .all of the things that i thought she was insecure about i thought that i could give her , marriage , security , a new loving family , even an ex wife that happily will chat to her and hand our grandchildren over to her , she hates all of it !... .Absolutely everything that i told her about my life in the beginning , my children , my grandchildren , my family , my job , my social circle even my ex wife and how we all get along for the sake of the extended family ... .she loved the thought of that peaceful lifestyle , and she could not wait to join us and to be welcomed in ... .in the early days of our relationship that was what she loved about us all ... .oh my word she has changed that within these 3 and a half years ... .she has made me a nervous wreck ... .any time that i want to spend with my family is made so uncomfortable due to jealousy and anger because  of my time not being spent on her  , my job is made so uncomfortable also , due to me having female co workers , i go through hell over this and she has basically de humanised everybody in my social circle , my workplace , and is slowly de humanising my family members to the point where i cannot comfortably talk to her about my day at work , visiting my daughter or even chatting to a friend on the phone when she is not there to hear the conversation ... ,All of these things are made into a terrible suspicious atmosphere ... .to the point where i now feel isolated from anybody who used to be in my social circle ... .my sport / hobby has basically gone ... .i do not know where i find the energy to do my job anymore ... .i am now like a zombie , staying silent to avoid conflict ,basically walking on eggshells... .while she has a lovely time going out meeting new friends , building up a nice social circle , talking to me with excitement and enthusiasm about her job and co workers , wearing anything she wants to and looking lovely , ( i write this because if i go out dressing nice or even if i have a haircut ... ,.the gates of hell open )
Basically she has no guilt or shame or does not even see that the only thing that i want out of life is exactly what she now has ... .peace , freedom , trust , faith and other people in life ... its that simple .
Anyway , in addition to all of this behaviour and suffering in silence which has affected my health in a big way ... .the constant walking on eggshells , conflict , terrible verbal fights , suspicion , mistrust and basically any other relationship negative that i can think of ,i am living through and just about surviving ... .4 months ago i had a full on brain seizure (the Neurologist said that my body had taken so much and basically shut down as a warning to me ) ,now i have been diagnosed with Atrial Fibrilation of the heart ... I have never felt so ill in my life , and I am convinced this has all come from immense stress within the relationship .
My Mother passed away last year , and during the grieving process my wife would come home from work and attack me for not greeting her in what i call "an Airport greeting way " , i am sure that you can work out what that means ... .   she did not understand that maybe i am a little quiet because of the loss of my mother and the stress of comforting family memebers etc ... .she simply had no emapathy at all for anybody ... .she would act as if she did ... .but her feelings did not feel honest at all , she would show sympathy in a movie style way and then quickly change the subject to her getting her nails or hair done and laughing and excitement ... .seconds after chatting about grieving , i simply could not switch the conversation so quickly and my emotions so quickly , very surreal .
And now to the punchline ... .Her behaviour patterns seemed far too immature for a woman of her age that has brought up a child into adulthood , run a home and had different jobs etc ... .she seemed to have the maturity of a teenage girl in our relationship ... .and to be honest , with no exaggeration , she has the responsibility and consequence ideals of a 5 year old !... this has made me check back on her past and to see if there is a pattern , i did this by knowing a few friends within my sport from her hometown and country , i know that this is rather intrusive into her past life , and that morally maybe i shouldnt have done this , but I did as i was getting no answers from her family members and i was absolutely desperate to find things out so that i could maybe help her in recovery if needed , so i needed to know where this behaviour comes from .
Unfortunately , this action of mine has made me feel even worse towards her ,
I found out that she has had numerous turbulent relationships , also that she lied to me , she did not bring up her son , he was taken away from her when he was 7 years old and she only seen him 1 weekend per month if he was lucky , right up to the age of 18 ... .also that she was in a long term relationship with a heroin addict  , and that she had been involved in drug abuse , and the biggy ... .that she was arrested by police after her house was raided and they found drugs in the house , she spent a couple of days in jail ... .which in turn means that she has frauded her visa here , and I am her sponsor for her to live here with me .
All of the above goes completely against my way of living , like i say we are a close family , we all hate drugs and the problems that they cause , even in divorce within our family the focus is always on the poor children being looked after and loved .
Now I understand more clearly why her close family do not want anything to do with her , they have tried and tried about the way she has lived her life and they have failed , only to face the wrath of her anger ... .I have so much confusion , embarrassment  , low confidence , stress and i must add , i now have anger within me ... .How did i get hustled /conned so well by this person , how does she morph from a world of drugs and that social circle into a wife /Nanna within a few years ... .and i imagine that she played all parts of her life and morphed into the character of whoever gave her the most attention ... .I have just read all of this back to myself and somehow had a little laugh to myself and thought "how have i been so stupid "!... .I have nobody to talk to about this , if i speak to family members about her behaviour and especially her history , then they will send her back on the next flight i just know it , they would not bother to read about BPD or personality disorders , they will simply want me get rid asap ... .and i dont blame them , if a friend or family member told me the info above , i would say the same ... .Thank you for taking the time to read this ... .i have only scratched the surface of her behaviour to be honest , I could go on with scenarios forever about incidents , But i am sure if you are reading this then you guys have gone through similar , or maybe not ! haha... .I dont know what to do , I Love Her ... .but i am struggling now to cope with what i know and what i have experienced ... .thank you again for allowing me to simply air all of this . 

[Cat Familiar]

Hello hope1969,
I want to welcome you here. What you describe is so familiar to us. BPD is a spectrum disorder and some individuals are quite extreme, while others seem mostly normal, with occasional quirks and can be quite functional in their daily lives. I've been married to two BPD husbands: one on each end of the spectrum. Thankfully my current husband is on the "normal" side, but I can say from my experience, that you've caught quite a "whopper". In reality, she most likely caught you.

Please do not blame yourself for falling for her charms. Borderlines can be incredibly alluring, mirroring back our most beloved sides of ourselves. It's easy to quickly fall in love with them and feel like we've finally met our "soulmate". Then, as you've discovered, the other side of them shows up and we're totally blindsided.

So many of us, myself included, believed that the "nice" part was who they really were and if we could only get them past the "ugly" part with love and understanding, they'd go back to being that wonderful person we fell in love with originally. Well, unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. They are a package deal--you can't have just the "nice" side. But through what you'll learn here, you can "manage" yourself so that you no longer have to put up with so much abuse, and that's exactly what you've been dealing with: abuse.

Your health has taken a downward turn from all the anxiety and stress. You may harbor a thought, like so many of us here, that if you could only get her to do therapy, she would see the error of her ways and things could get better. Unfortunately few people with BPD are willing to do the rigorous self-examination that therapy entails and if they start, they soon quit. Borderlines are so filled with shame and self-loathing, that they readily project those feelings onto others. Hence they often have left a trail of broken relationships, and in her case, a history of lawbreaking.

I'm a "just the facts" kind of person, so I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh. You say you "love" her, but do you truly love the entirety of who you've found her to be? Or do you just love the very gentle and kind person you once believed her to be?

You've got a lot of thinking to do here and with your health being impacted by this relationship already, I'd suggest that you begin doing therapy, just to alleviate some of the stress you've been dealing with. There's a wealth of information on this site. Please take a look at the sidebar on the right side of this page. And keep posting more of your story.

I, like so many here, arrived at this site in crisis. I've been here almost three years and now my life is mostly smooth and my relationship with my husband is far easier and happier. I wish you the best as you begin to navigate through all this information. Dealing with a pwBPD (person with BPD) involves learning an entirely new skillset. All our previous understandings of relationships with others will be useless. But once we learn some of the tools, things begin to be much easier. Thank you for sharing your story.

   

Cat

[Enabler]

Hi Hope1969,

Welcome to bpdfamily, as you know this is an annonamous forum so you can express concerns and details as freely as you like. You’ve given us plenty of information in your introductory post which is brilliant as it sets the scene nicely for us all to understand the dynamic of the relationship. Whether or not her actions and behaviours are indicative of someone suffering from BPD, I don’t know , irrespective of that we maybe help you work through your thought process to enable you to make decisions about how to proceed and what you want to prioritise.

In summary
- honeymoon start, lots in common (so you thought), shared interests and emotionally too good to be true
- moved there and reality didn’t match the fantasy picture she painted. You smashed a few illusions and she got upset because you’d shattered the fantasy world.
- moved to uk to live in a viable real world where she has sought to isolate you (or realistically you have isolated yourself because you wanted to make her happy and she showed disstain for your family and friends, going out, looking good)
- weirdness continued and you’ve found out that her history is also a fantasy
- concerns about your legal position among obvious concerns about the relationship and your own sanity
- health issues from stress

Wow, that is one hell of a story so far is my initial reaction. What are your biggest concerns at the moment? If you don’t mind me making some suggestions:
- your  legal status re being her sponsor
- your stress levels contributing to your health issues

Have you consulted a legal advisor regarding the immigration issue and is it within your practical and economic means?

What are you doing to manage your stress levels othe than coming here, which is a wonderful start as the more you chew through this mess the better you will be in mind body and soul. Do you continue to participate in the sport you competed in?

[hope1969]

Just 5 words to yo both ... .THANK YOU SO SO MUCH !
What a lonely world this had  become until now  :

Cat ,
Thank you so much for your reply and yes, i need the harsh facts from somebody , you know that i already know it anyway eh ?... .I just needed somebody out there to tell me that i am 100% responsible for her life and choices , and i deserve better for the love and kindness that i know i can give ... .and i know that she brings out the worst in me , places i have never been to psychologically in my mind ,dark places , not a nice cloud to live under .
To answer your question , i love the kind and gentle one that she used to be , i dont think its love that i feel for her now ... .its more a responsibility type of love , the kind you have for a younger sister who gets moody or has a fall out if you know what i mean .
I am so happy for you Cat that you seem to have come out on the other side and life is much more positive for you , that puts a smile on my face and gives a lil confidence booster which is much needed .

Hi Enabler ,

Same again thank you for taking time out to reply to me , it is much appreciated ,to answer your question about my sport , no i dont compete at the level that i did unfortunately , I have not been strong enough in my mind to compete at a professional level anymore , and due to my drop in form (the same time as my relationship started ! ha ) i have lost all of my sponsors so i get a job with a previous sponsor and work as average people do now .I just play at local level now , after representing Wales & British Lions .
You were spot on with your run down of events , and some .
My biggest concern now is my health , i dont think that i have ever put myself No 1 in life , due to having children at a young age and taking responsibility for a family , i never ever thought of being number 1 in my life , until now ... .I have a son & a daughter who look up to me as a Father & i am a grandad , and i want to see my grandsons grow up , i am convinced if i stay in this relationship i will be in an early grave !
The immigration situation is totally in my control , i can send a letter to immigration explaining what i have told you guys and they can then take responsibility for her ,
A few reasons why im stupid & soft enough to keep giving her more chances , i "love her " , in a weird way i feel sorry for her and just wanted her to see what a 2nd , 3rd or 4th chance she had in life , I really respect her parents who are elderly and it will destroy them to hear we are breaking up ... .and maybe another reason i have held back could be my fear ... .i ask myself what am i feared of losing ... .it could simply be fear itself , i dont know .What if she did harm to herself if i tell her to go , could i live with that ? ... .im damn sure she is capable ... all of these are from the brainwashing i am sure ...
anyway ,
Thank you so much guys ... .i read your comments and actually was in tears ... .somebody can hear me , somebody out there has also gone through similar ... .thank God i have found this forum  !

[Red5]

 

Welcome aboard hope1969,

Wow, that's quite a story you have written, but it also sounds so familiar, in many many ways.

You will find many correlations to the others here, and their own stories compared to yours.

This is a good and safe place to come to and vent, and to garner good feedback, and conversation as you navigate through the BPD phenomenon.

My advice is to learn all you can here about borderline personality disorder (BPD), and I am sorry that you are going through this, please know that you are not alone here.

I see in your story, many many BPD markers, .it seems that its always the same story, the cycle that it follows, the same in each and every story.

Knowledge is the best medicine, arm your self with this knowledge, learn all you can, and then you can see things more clearly, and you will be able to ascertain your situation better, and you will be able to ground yourself better, and secure your own emotional / mental security.

It has been said that we can get lost in this, and I know I was for a long time before I came across the explanation / reason that is BPD, as to why I was experiencing all this duress in my own marriage.

It was like somebody turned on the lights, gave me a decoder ring, suddenly I could understand "why".

Keep telling us you're story, tell us about the repetitive behaviors you are experiencing, what made you come to suspect BPD?

There is a wealth of knowledge that you can access here on this website, learn all you can.

Take good care, and again; welcome !

Red5

[pearlsw]

Hi hope1969, & CatFamiliar, Enabler, and Red5! 

Read your post and just wanted to add a little sympathy and support! I know it can be quite a shock when we start to piece together the puzzle of our partner’s behavior.  I also know the compounding difficulties of an international relationship.

Do you feel open to continuing the relationship?

with compassion, pearl.

[MrRight]

Hello Hope1969

sorry to hear all this. I assume that you are a top level rugby player. Wow. I can imagine how devastating it must be to lose that status.

I too went abroad and met someone - took her back here - or was rather bullied into bringing her back - and have been paying the price for that stupid decision for the last 17 years. It's far more difficult to get rid of a BPD wife under those circumstances. You could have simply bailed out had you remained in her country and discovered her questionable past/character etc. But she probably would have kept the sweetness up in her own country - aware of her vulnerability to the possibility of you packing a suitcase and leaving. Not so easy to leave an overseas bride when you have married them and she lives with you in your own country.

Your completed the immigration/visa forms in good faith - based on information provided by your spouse. You now find that some of the information was false. What you must legally do now before it is too late is report what you know to the Home Office - failing to do so is probably a criminal offence that could land you in prison. The Home Office will most likely check the new facts, interview her, revoke her leave to remain and ship her back to where she came from. I doubt if you will face any action.

Face facts - she is a lying snake with a criminal past - you trusted her and she is in the process of trashing your life.

What if she did harm to herself if i tell her to go , could i live with that ? ... .im damn sure she is capable .

Ah yes - this is why I am in the trouble I am in. When I was in Russia she kept threatening self harm, suicide, if I did not follow through on a promise I had stupidly made to bring her back to the UK. I believed her and got scared. I told myself that I would bring her here, and solve the problem later on! I should have left the country and called her bluff.

Has she threatened to hurt herself?

Well those are my thoughts - at least you have no children with her, I assume, so a swift end to your nightmare is possible without hurting anyone else but you and her.

If you do decide to inform the Home Office - do not warn her in advance - as she will do anything to stop you.

[juju2]

Hi Hope,

We are a caring community here.  We are not to give run messages.

When I realized a lot of our issues were due to his BPD, late in the game, i started with stop making things worse.  No one here can tell you or me what to do.  It's my life, my path.

If i knew what you should do, why can't I figure out my own life... .

learn here, post, get peacefulness. I go to al anon, as I am codependent.  When i use the tools that are here, take excellent care of myself, learn boundaries, my life gets good.  It's about me and my choices.

You had a connection, there was something within her that attracted you.  There are people here that have a lot of wisdom.

It takes work, and really looking at myself. 

You can do whatever you set your sights on.

sincerely, j