My 20 yr Old Daughter Wants to Move Out - I’m Scared for Her

[Parents! Get help here!]

Over the last few years we have watched our daughter come close numerous times to disaster. Although she did manage to graduate from high school and had started her first year of university, it has not been easy. In the past she has entered into sexual relationships with men for money, has an uncontrolled eating disorder and has started trying entry level drugs ( marijuana and ecstasy). We just discovered that she was pretending to go to university over the last few months, but had actually dropped her classes and did not write any exams. She is a brilliant liar and actress and had our whole family believe that she was still going to school. We also learned that she entered into a fraudulent scheme and ended up losing all of her money ($ 4000) and has racked up a credit card bill in the process. Now she feels that we have invaded in her privacy by finding this out and she wants to move out so we cannot be involved in her life. I feel that without our supervision ( as limited as it is) and her living away from us she, will really end up in true physical danger. While we don’t plan to help her financially in order that she can move out, I am sure she will find a man to live with. Is there anything we can do, or do we just let her live with her consequences?

[Cricket12]

Over the last few years we have watched our daughter come close numerous times to disaster. Although she did manage to graduate from high school and had started her first year of university, it has not been easy. In the past she has entered into sexual relationships with men for money, has an uncontrolled eating disorder and has started trying entry level drugs ( marijuana and ecstasy). We just discovered that she was pretending to go to university over the last few months, but had actually dropped her classes and did not write any exams. She is a brilliant liar and actress and had our whole family believe that she was still going to school. We also learned that she entered into a fraudulent scheme and ended up losing all of her money ($ 4000) and has racked up a credit card bill in the process. Now she feels that we have invaded in her privacy by finding this out and she wants to move out so we cannot be involved in her life. I feel that without our supervision ( as limited as it is) and her living away from us she, will really end up in true physical danger. While we don’t plan to help her financially in order that she can move out, I am sure she will find a man to live with. Is there anything we can do, or do we just let her live with her consequences?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Cricket12

Welcome to the bpdfamily 

This must be terribly upsetting to watch your dughter make decisions that are likely to have adverse consequences for her and feeling powerless to stop this. We love our children and want nothing but the best for them.

Given the age of your daughter, you are most likely unable to stop her choices.  But these choices are hers and ones that ultimatley she will ned to take responsibility for.  I have learnt this the hard way as I have always stepped in to rescue my DD27 and most of the time with disastrous consequences.

I am learning to step back from the drama, learn about BPD and how I can change myself and how I react to her. I'm also learning how to set boundaries to protect myself.  I commend you on being firm in your decision about financial assistance.  This is a small but strong decision.

Have you been able to read some of the information on the board to the right. 

Stay strong. I hope you have good support around you and we are always hear to share your journey as many parents are also experiencing so ,uch of the same.

Keep coming and sharing. Hugs 
Merlot

[Iscream]

Hi Cricket12

We are in a similar situation. Our dd age 18 moved away for college. She went first semester but didn’t second. She was living with her sister and we all thought she was going to school and working but she also got fired. She is a perfect liar but now having researched BPD we realize she isn’t the perfect liar but suffering from BPD. We always thought she was such a manipulative person but now know she doesn’t have the intent to manipulate.  Reading and more reading has made us feel so much better about the future but we are in a similar situation because our daughter is technically an adult so we can only do so much.