Divorcing my husband with BPD

[Annieface]

Hi,  I am starting divorce proceedings with my husband who has undiagnosed BPD. Always refuses to get help... it’s not his fault etc etc. I have a great therapist and she is helping me realize what I have allowed this man to do to me and how much my self esteem has suffered. I feel I am on the right track and feel more empowered going through this process. My problem right now is that he is going to my family and crying poor me, and trying to elicit their sympathies. My family doesn’t understand the hidden abuse I have suffered through for so long and I feel like they believe him and don’t understand how I could be so selfish and mean to break up a 32 year marriage. I find it very hard to be undermined by him and he is such an expert at manipulating people. So this makes me feel out of control. I will speak with my family but he seems to have gotten their ear first. Thanks for listening.

[zachira]

It is hard to have your husband telling everyone that he is the victim and there is really no reason to divorce. There may be people who will believe him in the beginning, and time will likely turn the tide. There are people who may be aware of what your husband is really like, and may support you in your decision once you let them know you have decided to get a divorce. Do keep in mind that you are responsible for your own feelings, and your husband and other people are responsible for theirs. Keep us posted as there are many people on this Board who are or have been in situations similar to yours.

[Annieface]

Thank you Zachira!  I sorta know all that but it helps to have it reconfirmed. I will continue on and will share any new developments. We have a family vacation home and I was looking forward to a nice weekend away but he (I call it bullying) talked my family into being invited (again the poor me) before I knew it he said they invited him. So I’m not going until he leaves. He’s using “give a ride to our son “ as an excuse to go. Thankfully my son has to work on Sunday so they have to leave early. In addition I’m sure he’s filling my son who’s 25 so he’s an adult with all sorts of guilt, and sorrow etc then proceeds to spend tons of money on him buying him expensive clothing, ski equipment etc. essentially buying him. I went that route... .I’m not anymore. Again thanks for listening.

[ForeverDad]

I'm not saying this would help, just pondering ideas here, would your therapist be willing to let one of your more trusted family members join with you for a session or two?  The overall theme likely would include that the dysfunctional part of the marriage has existed for years but you were conned and intimidated into hiding it for so long.  This wouldn't work for a gullible relative, H would likely have the ability to schmooze even better than the T could clear things up.

[Annieface]

Thank you Forever Dad. I hadn’t considered bringing a family member but I will. Thing is the ones I could get to come are the ones that see through his deceit anyway. He continues to insist that we can work through this and stay together. I am so far from changing my mind. I have confronted him for years about his behavior and when I finally said the word divorce that became a game changer. He feels I’m not giving him a chance to change ... .it doesn’t matter that for years I’ve walked on eggshells and always catered to him.  His addictive behavior has led to an enormous credit card debt and a recent DWI that he blames on me for wanting to end our “wonderful “ marriage. This is tough. Again thanks for listening!

[ForeverDad]

Hmm, 32 years was not enough time for him to improve?  Yeah, his logic is weak.  From what we've learned as a community here, unless he is in serious and progressing therapy over a long time and truly applying it in his perceptions, thinking and behaviors, well, his promises aren't worth anything.  Only actions are.  And now, with his behaviors finally exposed and him only now "seeing the light" — when the issue is forced — you can't trust today's quickly-made promises versus 32 years of history.

One problem with retreating from a reluctantly chosen solution is that it too often doesn't work and ends up sabotaging us (with delays, at the very least) and improperly enabling the problem person.

[Panda39]

Hi Annieface,

I wanted to point out the dysfunctional dance your stbxh is doing.  Instead of keeping things between the 2 of you he is pulling other people into your divorce and creating a triangle.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

The triangle can vary depending on your perspective.

To Him... .
You are the persecutor
He is the victim
Family Members are the rescuers

To you... .
You are the victim
He is the persecutor
Family Members are the rescuers (or they can also be persecutors)

My thought about your situation is rather than trying to prove or show the behaviors you see in your stbx, how about trying to move yourself off the triangle. 

Frankly in a polite way ask them to butt out and when someone asks you about it be polite but don't discuss it. 

Cousin so and so want's to know the latest on the divorce, could you say something like... .I appreciate your concern but I'm not comfortable discussing it... .I know you love both stbxh and me and want to see us happy and I appreciate that but this is between the two of us... .I really don't want to discuss my divorce or stbxh right now, I could really do with a little bit of fun, shopping therapy, a distraction from it all now... .

Create a boundary for yourself that you will not discuss it with them.  You can only control what you do and by not discussing the divorce with these folks you have removed yourself from the triangle, by not talking about it you don't have to listen to the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that your husband is sending via your family members, you do not need to justify your reasons for divorcing to them, this puts the divorce discussion back where it should be between you and your stbxh and ultimately by not discussing it with others you are taking power the away from him... .using your family to get to you is no longer working.

In terms of what your family believe, they will believe what they are going to believe.  They know you both and will make their choices regarding the two of you as they will.  Some will support you, some him, some both, and still others will stay out of it... .It's like that in every divorce and we can't control that, it will all shake out during and after the divorce. 

Panda39

[Annieface]

Thank you so much Panda39. This is such good information and great advice. It helps me so much to see that his behavior can be categorized and his seemingly nonsensical actions can actually be predicted. And it helps me so much with the validation aspect. I still sometimes think oh it’s not so bad or oh he didn’t really mean that or oh I must be overreacting. But my eyes have been opened and I look forward to not having to deal with me allowing him to make me feel that way. The tides have turned and there is no going back. My eyes are opened thank goodness and I’m so glad I found this website!