Does this ever get better?

[mothrof3+2+2]

I have 3 teenagers with BPD, 18 boy, 17 boy, and 15 girl.  It seems like we are always going from crisis to crisis.  If it is not one then it is the other.  I also have 2 more teenagers with special needs, one 14 with cognitive delays and one 13 with severe Cerebral palsy.  They are all adopted.  Did not realize in the beginning that it would be so intense.   I imagined a hard time when they were young and then all playing sports and camping together when they were teenagers.  Not so much!  I do have an other bio child, 23 and married doing great.  I also have a 10 year old bio daughter who was a happy surprise at the end.  I worry so much about her and the effects of all the others on her.  The younger teenagers are doing pretty well.  They take a lot of physical care but are ok emotionally most of the time.  My 18 son is living in a house with roommates.  He moved out 3 months ago.  he was too disruptive to live at home.  he stole our cars, money, and came home drunk  at all hours.  We are paying his rent and we thought he was doing better and getting a job.  Then last night I got a call from the local ER that he was there because he drank too much.  he begged me to come be with him but I told him he was in good hands and his roommate was there to take him home.  I felt guilty for not being there but I just need to take care of myself.  I am exhausted. Then his landlord called me today and said that he is being evicted for last night and he has 30 days.  He cant come home. Then my daughter went with a friend to a lake and wandered off and was lost for about 3 hours and got lost.  She was still in cell range so I talked to her until she finally found her way back.  Then she got home and brought her friend over and they are in the bedroom screaming that they have been overtaken by daemons.  I don't know if they are on drug or just attention seeking.  I asked but they are not telling. I guess I will just watch them and wait it out.  Meanwhile it is very disruptive to my younger children.  My husband is very supportive to me but really does not know what to do with the three teenagers.  My 17 year old is presently in a residential treatment facially but is coming home in to weeks to live with my sister and brother in law.  He is dangerous to my younger children so he can not live at home.  My sister does not have any children and is willing to try and keep him until he is 18 in 4 months.  Then I dont know.  I just feel like we live from one crisis to another.  Is there any hope that they will be able to live normal lives and take care of themselves? I am emotionally, financially and physically drained.  I want to have something left to give my younger children.  I feel like I cant even enjoy the good times with them because I am so overwhelmed with negative emotions like guilt, FEAR, anger,etc. from the older 3.  Does it ever get better.  From everything I am reading, it seems like this is a life long struggle.  I don't know if I can make it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Mothrof3+2+2

Im so sorry for what you are goimg through, no doubt adopting chidren comes from nowehere but a place of love and care, and people like yourself are so valued in this world. It is an injustice that you have found yourself in this situation.

I can completely understand why you would be exhausted going from crisis ro crisis.  Clealry there is much to learn about BPD and you are no stranger, however it is untenable to remain in such a state of crisis long term.  On that basis, are you able to consider options that can help you unpack issues and alleviate the overwhelming circumstances. It may be that a therapist can help in advising a considered course of actions including respite/community services assistance.

In dealing with these issues, you may need to take a small step back to consider support for yourself in the first instance. You said your husband is supportive, that is great. Consider how you can draw on this to help you.

My heart goes out to you. We are hear to listen anytime you need us.

Merlot

[MomMae]

Hi Mothrof3+2+2 (and may I add that this = a whole lot of love, compassion and strength on your part!)

Reading your story I started to feel overwhelmed by all you have on your plate... .I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it is coping with the needs of so many young people, let alone throwing BPD into the mix.  You are amazing that you have not collapsed under the strain, and you are right - you need to now put your needs first, or you will indeed burnout. 

Are there professionals involved with your family, are they in therapy?  Do you have any extra support available to you through the adoption processes?

I hope that you keep posting, Mothr, as it can be very cathartic.  There are other adoptive parents on the board who may be able to offer more relatable advice, hopefully they will chime in.  As well, if you haven't already found them, the tools and lessons on the right  hand side of this page can help you hone your communication skills as well as temper your reactions to your children's BPD behaviours.

Please do something for yourself, Mothr, you deserve it, you need it.  You are a doing a great job, even if it doesn't feel very rewarding at the moment.  We are here, empathizing and understanding.    MomMae 

[mothrof3+2+2]

MomMae, thank you for your encouragement.  We are getting some outside help.  My 18  ended up working things out with his landlord to get another chance so his eviction was revoked but he is on probation so he can't mess up again. I am sure he worked at it because I made it clear that home was not an option.  That was hard and my 15 year old thinks I am a terrible mom because of it but the three youngest are very grateful.  They do not want him home at all. He is going through the paperwork process of getting a new job. He passed the background check so hopefully he will pass the drug test as well and then be able to function at work. I have recommended that he use our health insurance to get help with his mood or drinking but he denies there is anything wrong.

Adoptions is paying for the residential treatment center that my 17 year old has been in but they only pay for 18 months.  I applied for a scholarship through the facility so that he could stay long enough to graduate from high school there.  It is a week away and we are still holding our breath.  I talked to him today and he reported that he was giving up and he would just finish high school at night school.  I told him that was going to be hard but I had seen him do hard things before so he could do this. I guess we will see in about 5 days.  We are worried that when he gos home to my sisters, he will just run away. We have recently had an electronic alarms system put on our house so my younger children will feel safe at night after he is back in the state.

My daughter is in therapy through Kaiser.  We have a fabulous therapist who is the one who diagnosed the BPD.  It answered so many questions for me.  Before I understood what was going on, I was sure I was crazy! My daughter refuses to go to group so dbt is hard but the therapist is doing the best she can to work with her.  She actually likes this therapist so that is a plus.  She has quit therapy at least 5 other times but none of them actually dealt with the real problem.  She is taking medication but it is less effective because of the drug use like weed and alcohol.  Everyone one has talked to her about it and when she is sober and away from her friends, she can see it but she just can't resist peer pressure. I am sure it has something to do with interpersonal skills and self esteem.

I have an online counselor that I message with regularly and talk with once a week.  This works well with my busy schedule.  She is helping know how to set boundaries and fill my cup so I don't burn out.  I just feel like every time i put  a few drops in my cup, it seems like those three suck it out.  I want to have some for myself and my younger children and husband.  I have been learning as much as I can about BPD.  I have listened to 4 audio books and read one more in the last month.  I will definitely explore the resources on this site. I love that this is here.  I fell like I am not so alone.  I am just hoping that there is hope and somewhere it is not so intense.

[MomMae]

Nice to hear more from you, mothrof3+2+2!

I am so glad to hear that your 18 year old son took some responsibility and worked things out with his landlord - good job on you for sticking your ground and good for him for taking care of it himself.  That must give you some relief, knowing that he can remain in his place. And good for him that he is in the process of trying to get a new job, hopefully a step in the right direction for him.  Despite your 15 year old giving you a hard time, you know not having him back in the family home is the right thing for your family at this time, though not easy by any means, either way.

Glad to hear that you are getting some support for residential treatment for your 17 year old.  It sounds like he is almost done there and then will be living at your sister's, close by to your home, if I am reading correctly.  I can so understand how you would be very nervous about how this transition will go.  So many things on your plate at once, but you sound like you are handling things the best way you possibly can.  Hopeful but realistic... .taking care of your BPD children as best you can while also taking care of the needs of your other children.  Putting in the alarm system is an excellent step.  (my own BPD dd21, who is doing well at the moment, broke into our home 18 months ago)

I am so glad to hear that you have an online counselor that is working well for you.   

I just feel like every time i put  a few drops in my cup, it seems like those three suck it out.  I want to have some for myself and my younger children and husband. 

Your analogy above is just so true, I can totally relate.  It is exhausting to go from one crisis to another and very hard to keep up the energy and hope.  But you are doing great, mothrof7, you are doing everything you possibly can.  There are no fast answers, no matter how desperately we want them.

I wish I had more to offer that would help you... .I am glad that you are feeling less alone... .this forum is a godsend for that.  Realizing that I was neither alone, nor crazy in my own reactions and emotions, was such a relief.  You are among friends who truly "get it" here.     MM

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Mothrof3+2+2,

I am so sorry for everything you're going through. I have a 20 year old adopted daughter with BPD and she is our only child. It has been so difficult, I can't really comprehend dealing with three. You are clearly an incredibly strong person and a devoted parent. It also sounds like you are setting good boundaries and that helps immensely. I am still in the thick of it but things definitely gotten more tolerable when our daughter moved out of the house. I hoping having that distance is helping you get more space and time for yourself and your other family members. I wish there was something magical I could say to help. I'm sending you lots of love and well-wishers.