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[Eternally]

Hi,
My husband and I have a 30 year old son who has was diagnosed with BPD in the summer of 2017.  He also lives with addictions. More recently he has been diagnosed with ADHD as well.  We moved to a rural area a few years ago and live a somewhat isolated life. Our son lived with us until our move in 2016 at which time he moved out, but moved back home to our new house September 2017 as he was unable to sustain any kind of life on his own.  We have been struggling for years knowing something was just not right. Now that there is a diagnosis and he is home with us life is hard and sad.  He believes we are the root of all that is bad in his world, yet we all live under the same roof.  On the positive side, he has been very proactive in finding support and is currently in a 6 month DBT program and has a therapist - no psychiatrist as he did not like the fellow who he was seeing close to our home so has decided not to see him any more.  He was on meds but went off them cold turkey so we had two weeks of extreme anger/suicidal ideation - flip flopping between the two.  Some days he will communicate face to face, but when he is angry we only talk via text message. "walking on eggshells" is our life and we have no idea when it will ever end.  We pray each day for the best and brace ourselves for the worst.  I have joined this group in hopes of gaining more knowledge about BPD and how to best provide support for our son.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

hi Eternally and

youve found a community full of members who have walked or are walking in your shoes, and get it. there is hope and healing, and i commend you for reaching out for support!

its great news that hes in a DBT program, and been proactive in finding support. it can be a difficult road for all involved, but that desire to get help can be really critical. is he seeking treatment for the addictions as well?

it must be hard that hes isolating himself and you and your husband are walking on eggshells, but things can get better. i encourage you to dive into the lessons and tools to the right of the board, so much of this is not intuitive. what are the primary sources of conflict with your son (you mentioned he believs you are the root of all that is bad in his world)? has he gone back on his meds, or is he still off?

[Feeling Better]

Hello Eternally,

I would like to join once removed in welcoming you here, you will find lots of help and support.

I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling for years with your son, I know, along with many others what you are going through, that feeling of walking on eggshells all the time. Yes, it is very hard and sad.

How is your son doing on his dbt program? It is really heartening to hear that he has undertaken this by (and for) himself, as you say, a very positive move, you must be very proud of him.

What about you, do you find time for yourself?

Hope to hear more from you x  

[Eternally]

Hi Feeling Better,

Thank you for your response. 

The DBT program, a condensed 6 months, is now finished.  Our son believes it was helpful, but now feels very alone and scared of moving forward - there is no post support from the program and you can not take it again.  Because it is so condensed - usually it is a year long program - our son feels he would benefit from another round of the therapy it provides along with the weekly counselling and telephone support. We are so very proud of him that he started and, most importantly, finished the program. Life here is marginally better, but sadly we suspect this will not last. Fingers crossed.

As for time for me and my husband, we head to our cottage on weekends which gives us all a break for a couple of days a week.  I am reading more (lots about DBT and BPD) and I started knitting to keep me busy

Thanks again

[Eternally]

Hi once removed,

Yes we are super fortunate that our son has been so proactive in finding support.  It means more to him when he is able to do things on his own.  He has not yet found a program he is comfortable with to address his addictions but from what we can tell he is coping in different ways to break the pattern, which is impressive. Kudos to him.

We are using the Tools and Lessons, reading lots, and we are both in therapy with a person who is very versed in DBT.  The primary source of conflict seems to stem from issues when he was a child that he believe happened in a particular way - his version of the story, which angers him.  He was seeing a therapist that wanted him to relive his past and it seems the therapist also wanted our son to wallow in it forever as there was never any movement forward - no discussion with us to talk.  As with BPD when he is angry we are the worst parent who have done a lot wrong and yet when the mood is okay our son admits we are super supportive and he is very grateful.  Living with us is not where he wants to be and is difficult for him to accept so living under our roof can create very angry and/or down times.  Honestly I don't really think we are the issue but if he believes in his mind that we are it is difficult to make him see/understand differently, when he feels that way - if that makes sense.

He will not go back on his meds.  The psychiatrist as the DBT program said meds are not for everyone so perhaps he would be okay not on the meds. Recently he told us the suicidal ideation is no more, which is great.  He believes the meds were the issue.  Also, he has gained a lot of weight and feels horrible about himself and his body image - no mirrors allowed in his part of the house.  He blames the meds.  We think it was the meds and his eating junk food when high.  The pot is now medicinal, which we guess is better.  The smell of pot makes me physically ill. If not being on the meds reduces the suicidal ideation I am okay with that. Suicidal thoughts are a really tough thing to deal with as a parent.

Life is marginally better at the moment.  Our son is hoping to move out in the near future and is putting boxes of items together to take with him.  Not sure when this will happen but we encourage him to just take small steps.  Work is difficult to maintain so we are not sure how he can sustain living on his own without some kind of financial stability.  We do not have the funds to support him living outside our home.

So, fingers crossed that moving forward there are more up days than down and that small steps are taken.

[wendydarling]

Hi Eternally  

Kudos to your son! He's a determined man sticking with DBT, my 29DD lives and breaths DBT after 14months outpatients that ceased last Sept, she's doing well, keeping up her skills. She too lives at home, I'm patiently waiting for her to get back into work/volunteering something that works for her, I too am wondering how she'll manage. Watch this space  

Does your son reach out to BPD, DBT groups on line?

Pleased to meet you  

WDx