Individual Session at Marriage Counselor: Why am I still here?

[12years]

Ok, wish me luck, as I am off to an individual session with a marriage counselor today! I feel if someone can help it will be this new counselor. I am going to let her know that I think my husband has BPD or NPD and I hope this can direct some of the sessions. I feel scared though going to reveal secrets and I will find out if she has to tell him too. This poor woman is going to have her hands full with us! But, it's only going to work if we follow through. I don't have too much trouble following through, my husband of course, can't manage himself (words, actions, etc). It's so hurtful! I try to ignore, avoid and walk out but, somehow I am greatly effected again. I hope and pray he sees the light very very soon. It's been too many years of this and why am I still here? This is my last ditch effort, this new counselor. Ok, wish me luck!

[Dragon72]

Good luck! 

Has your counselor gotten to know your husband already? Are they aware already of some of his behaviors/actions?

My suggestion would be to bring his actions/words to your counselor's attention and then ask the counselor's professional opinion.

I'm sure it will be fine. Enjoy the opportunity to have your side of the story heard!

[12years]

Hi Dragon 72!
I have been following your messages as well. Yes, my husband went first in his individual session and she seemed to have a good grip on him from out first joint session.
Thank you for the well wishes!
-12 years

[pearlsw]

HI 12 years,

Nice to meet you via your story!

How did the counseling go? Are you still feeling so upbeat? Is this DBT? Or marriage counseling? Or…?

I know counseling can bring up a lot of emotions for people…It can feel like many steps backward and only a few forward at times. I hope it goes well in time!

What you are working on specifically if you don’t mind my asking?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[12years]

Hey Pearl:
Thank you for writing! It’s marriage counseling. But he is also going to individual therapy and so am I. I did get to tell her the long pattern of behaviors and mentioned maybe he has BPD. 
She seemed to be getting it. But I think we will really know if she got what I was saying about him and our situation when we meet with her again. Though it’s not all his fault, I didn’t know how to handle the arguing so I did all the wrong things for a long time. And it exacerbated the situations. So I am hopeful because this is my last effort to stop the cycle of the issues and arguments. I will keep you all posted.
-12 Years

[12years]

So, of course we were supposed to have a joint session shortly following the individual sessions which would have been great, but, of course he had to cancel it. Due to business travel!

I feel these coincidences have really taken over and are pointing to, this isn't going to work. I don't want to drag it out anymore. I have enough in 12 years. I saw some girlfriends this weekend who don't really know what's going on except we were going to go to the first round of counseling and they said " that's unhealthy" and "what's your plan to get out."
And apparently the husband of the one friend noticed how MEAN my husband was to me on one outing when we all lived together in Germany over 2 years ago. We had gone out for a night and my husband was picking fights with me and then almost got into a fist fight with some guy in the bar. The guy did say something rude we all felt but not worth it to fight about it. But, it was interesting how that many years ago, people noticed how mean my husband was to me. And these keep popping up. A neighbor we were friends with said she had a conversation with another one back when we lived there, and the one I didn't really know, said she heard the arguing and was so appalled by how my husband was treating me, she almost called the police. The windows were open. But, that shows you other people noticed too, it took me awhile to notice! 

But, back to the counseling. I don't think anything is going to fix it, but, I will go to a few more. The nasty digs and comments though explicitly asked to not say these and I also told my husband that this is the last ditch effort, this is a trial period, if either of us is unhappy then we need to call it quits. These were expressed to him re: nasty comments, behavior and trial period were presented in a calm way and expressed as an effort to communicate, and give some ground rules and timing. I just can't keep going on like this. I feel like I have been dragged back in having to do exercises via the therapist and then going to the therapy, where I have to say, it seems like a "show" put on by my husband. But then I think that's all he has, he has no persona, just a shell. But, I don't think its wrong to lay it all on the line and say "here are the expectations" make it work or not. He came up with some items to contribute to the conversation, but, I have to say, again and again it's the same stuff. But I did listen and understand his point of view. And it seems to end up badly--all important conversations regarding future, feelings or exercises for the therapist.
when all conversations end up badly, and regular calm, nice communication can't take place, thinking before you speak, when it's all on the line, then it's just about time to call it quits.
I will write after a session that *may* take place next week. Ha! If that doesn't happen then I could care less. God is saying, pull the plug, there isn't time to fix it!

Thank for listening, all!