Our 16 year old daughter has BPD traits- what can we do to help her?

[Momof3Teens]

Dear BPD Family Community,

Our 16-year-old daughter was recently expelled from school for significant stealing behavior. She is now completing the rest of the school year via virtual classes. Although we never anticipated encountering a situation this serious with our daughter, we have struggled for years with her challenging emotional responses, lack of empathy, and behavioral choices. We adopted her 7 years ago, along with her biological siblings, and as she has grown into adolescence we have begun to see more and more of the BPD traits in her interactions with our family, friends, and at school. She doesn't have any friends at school, due to her pattern of sabotaging the friendships. She has little remorse for her actions that led to her expulsion, and any blame that she outwardly expresses for the current situation she finds herself in is directed at myself, my husband, of her siblings.

She does have a history of abuse and neglect in her birth family, and prior to this incident we've sought out counseling for her, although eventually the counselor closed the case out, stating that our daughter was now in a good place (which was not apparent to us, unfortunately). She is now seeing a counselor on a weekly basis, but since we live in a small town this counselor was simply the only one available we could find to begin work, and has not specific expertise in BPD. Since our daughter is 16, we are also not able to participate in the sessions or communicate with the therapist about our daugther's progress (per the therapist's request).

My main question to start is a big one, I know: What can we do to help our daughter live a full and well-adjusted life?  
Thank you for any help you might be able to offer.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

   Welcome Momof3Teens,

    So very glad you're here. Also very sorry that you are joining the ranks of us parents here. You will find much support here and lots of educational tools.
    You asked a great question  "What can we do to help our daughter live full and well adjusted life". You have already started the process, by being here and asking questions. If you have not done so yet, take some time and look around to the left of the page ------------------->>  you will find great lessons, videos and tools.
    My daughter is older 35, we also live in a very small coastal town. Help is hard to come by. She does see a therapist, no she does not specialize in BPD, but she really seems to do well with my daughter. Her therapy is goal oriented, so it is measurable. Since your therapist does not allow you in there as her parents you have the right to know what her treatment plan is.
   All the things you explained in your post about her behavior is typical BPD. The blaming can be really hard to deal with. Look at the S.E.T. tool, it is very useful for communicating when the blame is going on. In the beginning and even now, it helps me to always keep in the front of my mind; that my daughter is scared and in her mind there is nothing she can do to change that. Her reality is just that, hers.
   I know you will get more support, encouragement from other parents here.    You are on a new journey with your child. Keep posting and sharing.

[Momof3Teens]

Thank you for the support!

[wendydarling]

Hi Momof3Teens  

I join bluek9 in welcoming you here. I'm glad you've joined us, though sorry what brings you here, the behaviours you're dealing with your daughter and have been for sometime.   As bluek9 shares and it's good to hear progress with a non specialised therapist happens and I second bluek9's suggestion ask for details of the treatment plan.  

You ask what you can do to help your daughter ... .is where I was 3 years ago when my now 29DD was diagnosed following her first crisis, hospitalisations... . what helped my daughter was her knowing she was not alone in this very challenging world as an emotionally sensitive person and that things can get better, they have for her, small steps. Like bluek9 and parents here I practise the tools, lessons   the educational resources, they are an amazing gift! My DD is a quiet pwBPD the most helpful for my DD is listen with empathy and validation, validation. It's about understanding our unique situation and finding what works for us and if our current approach is not working we change it lesson 2.

How are you coping? It can be truly overwhelming having a child with BPD, traits as a you'll read on the board it helps to get it all out, talk about it and learn from and support each other. You are not alone  

WDx

[Daisy123]

Hi Momof3teens,
Had I wished I had this forum when my DD20 was 16. There are so many resources here on this site. My suggestion is to read as much as you can and post here,often. I’ve gotten invaluable insights and so much support from here.

As someone said in a previous post, SET is such a great place to start.
Another is to watch some of the Videos- Back From the Edge is pretty amazing.
You can search YouTube any videos on Marsha Linehan.
She is one of the Dbt guru for BPD.
I really like her videos on mindfulness and radical acceptance.

Also- this disease can take a toll on the entire family, especially your marriage. NAMI has classes for families with mental illness and there’s a program, 12 week course on BPD called Family Connections. That might be in your area. I also found out that Family Connections offers weekend workshops- but you have to travel to Boston.
Consider finding a therapist for both you and your husband. You may benefit from additional support.