A slow-motion world, post the rollercoaster crisis’?

[wendydarling]

Sigh…. can you hear me?  

We’ve been through the breath taking - life-threatening rollercoaster, progression and regression and arrived at what I can only describe for me is living a slow-motion world of BPD….it is such a weird feeling after all the chaos and ask myself is this how life’s going to be. I'm in no way complaining just wondering if anyone may relate in anyway.

29DD continues to do well is a blessing. She’s made good choices along the way; kicked alcohol into touch, worked at getting the meds for depression, anxiety right for her, engaged in and benefited from DBT, reaches out for help when in need, has stood back from romantic relationships – her words ‘I need to sort out No 1 first’. She’s three years into this slow recovery, she gets it, she gets her, her disorders and works hard to manage her emotions, impulsivity…...  Recently she’s socialising more, last week away for 3 days attending a wedding, this weekend a music festival. These are important steps getting out there, building her confidence I hope, testing her resilience.

I shared in my last post she’s trying to navigate what next with getting back to work, it’s on her mind, lots of talk these last 6 months, no action yet... …I’m waiting for her to move on this, she’s anxious …. And I wonder how long it will take her. See my post on Hyacinth Bucket's thread Update: 2 jobs in 3 weeks, I’m tagging along in the hope I’ll have news soon. As I often share my approach since 2015 has been to provide her the space and time and emotional support to make the steps at her own pace and she has, it’s worked, she’s been proactive, accountable to herself. Remember the saying if it’s not broken don’t try to mend it, I'm holding onto this with my approach for now.

It is however incredibly slow, slow-motion BPD world for me. I feel like I’m floating through space. The good news is the power of practicing patience continues to help me keep my feet on the ground and not blow my plan.  

Still in there for the long slow motion haul.  

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi WD... .sigh... .yep! I hear you  

Give me slow motion rather than chaos anytime.

I can relate but in a slightly different way, I am playing the waiting game, which in it’s own way is a slow motion way of life. Everything takes time, more time than I originally anticipated or wished for but I have finally settled down into a no rush, take it steady kind of mindset.

My goal is to one day try to reconnect with my NC uBPD son. I know that it may be my one and only chance and for that reason I have to be sure that I have done all my homework, I need to get it right, learn all the right skills. And I need the confidence to do it too. And I know that I also need to be prepared for rejection. So, slowly does it. Thankfully I no longer feel the urgency to get a quick resolution, I can bide my time.

So, let’s just relax and enjoy this slow motion kind of life, who knows, it could all change tomorrow x  

[Merlot]

Hi Wendydarling

I think having such a strong awareness of what you are going through with your daughter, as you said, allows you to practice that mindful approach to patience, I think so many of us can take a leaf out of your book :-)

I can understand how frustrating it is, however only you will know if and when that slow progress is actually still progress as opposed to a stall in events.  Amazing how we have to control our reactions and emotions in the face of our BPD children struggling to manage their own. 

Things do sound incredibly positive for your daughter, hang in there. No doubt and with your support, will turn that corner and a new chapter will begin.

Merlot

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi WD,

How did you get to the point of not needing a quick resolution? I am realizing I am very much stuck there. Mainly because I still don't really trust my daughter. I think I don't fully trust myself either. How long did it take you do get there?

[Lollypop]

Hi there WD

I understand that slow motion and it’s does feel weird. I think Merlot makes a very good point about progress and stalling. It’s just so tricky to judge and, like you’ve said many times, it’s a matter of using your gut and doing the right things that fit your situation.

I called my situation inbetweeness, I’m on a path to a new life for myself. Thankfully, I have a son27 that is happy and relaxed with us on his visits, we leave him to his life and he comes to us for emotional support occasionally. We watch from a distance, but not so intently that he’s aware.

You know that I always had that long term goal for him to live independently, whether it was in benefits or working, he had to find his own way. Job was a trigger word for us.

The job came first, he slowly increased to full-time and now he’s living close by in a sort of half-way situation. We wait for him to live fully independently, cooking his own food and paying his bills - there’s a way to go yet.

Progress isn’t linear - we say this a lot don’t we. In reality, we do try to make it so though.

Ideally it’s in this order: Treatment, job, management of life, slow move away to independent living, stable relationship, maybe a family. This may happen, it’s more than likely to be a a different chain of events.

It was the inaction I found the most difficult. The fear of making the wrong decision was normally at the root of the problem. It was an elephant in the room. Actually, we both made it the elephant; him with his fear of taking action and it being the “wrong” choice, me by my reaction in the “watching and the waiting”.  How long should I wait?  How long could I wait? These were unspoken words, me doing a dance around the situation until, of course, I ended up in an argument with him.

I’ve no answers WD, only a voice of support. One way or other, your daughter will find her way and just what that looks like can change as things slot into place. One thing is sure, nothing lasts forever despite it seeming like it’s endless!

Feet in treacle... .it’s just downright sticky, we want to say “for goodness sakes, clean your shoes and get out of it”!

Hugs

LP

[Lollypop]

WD

I just read this and thought it so apt:

“Perhaps one is made more alert when waiting”

I think it’s true. Being in slow motion whilst in an alert state.

LP

[Daisy123]

Hi Wendydarling,
I’m with Feelingbetter;

‘Give me slow motion rather than chaos anytime’

[/quote]

My DD is up one day for treatment and down the next. We are no where near getting a job because she’s in bed for most of the day. She can hardly get herself to therapy once a week let alone a PHP.
It’s got to be rough while waiting, your DD is so close and has made such beautiful progress.

Sending you and your daughter positive vibes.

(()
Daisy123

[wendydarling]

Thanks everyone for your share and wonderful support  

Oh yes LP, you made me smile  

Feet in treacle... .it’s just downright sticky, we want to say “for goodness sakes, clean your shoes and get out of it”!

is where the skills we learn here help them make the changes they need to. 

I just read this and thought it so apt:

“Perhaps one is made more alert when waiting”

I think it’s true. Being in slow motion whilst in an alert state.

Yes, I agree, I'd add 'whilst being in an emotionally alert state'. Feeling Better this is what you describe. We are here to find our emotional balance, alertness in very difficult circumstances.

Interesting Feeling Better you can relate but in a slightly different way, playing the waiting game, which in its own way is a slow-motion way of life. I relate when you say everything takes time, more time than you originally anticipated or wished for but you've finally settled down into a no rush, take it steady kind of mindset. Thinking about our situations your son is living independently, is what I'm waiting for and your goal is to reconnect with your son, what I have with my daughter. Do you know what kind of lifestyle your son lives, his work, stability? Does he have a partner, enjoy life? That's a solid plan you have FB, I find it interesting seeing how everyone here works through finding a plan that works for them.  Your being sure to do all your homework, gain the skills to get it right, feel confident when you decide to reach out, knowing you've done your best whatever the outcome.  You see clearly now, you don't feel the same sense of urgency.

So true Merlot, it is amazing how we have to control our reactions and emotions in the face of our BPD children struggling to manage their own.  In my case my DD needed all the emotional space for her to own, take responsibility for her emotions and managing them. Good question, has she stalled? I believe not, it continues to be slow, slow progress. DD mentioned she had a GP appointment late last week, she was unsure of the purpose. I'm wondering if it was to gain a sense of if she's well enough to go back to work. This will be the crunch time (trigger), it's what'll make her move unless she makes that first step, it may also set her back - which way will it go? I've been away so I'll find out in a couple of hours if the appointment was about returning to work, or not. One thing is for sure that question will come in time and my gut tells me it’s best not to come from me.

Hyacinth, how did I get to the point of not needing a quick resolution? It was when I learnt and then accepted how very complex this is. You say you feel stuck in needing a quick resolution, I did like you when my DD was in crisis, hospitalised, suicide attempt I think recognising, acknowledging her limitations at that point and now helps her take on her responsibility. Not that she can't work on her struggles she clearly has, comes back to her moving forward at her own pace. When you say you still don't trust your daughter, in what way?

Thanks LP, it is that, we go with our gut what’s right for us. It's so helpful reading everyone else's stories, a reality check it's ok, my approach is ok, the positive reinforcement from everyone here is comforting. And I like the term you chose for you 'inbetweenness'.  This really spoke to me,   ‘we watch from a distance, but not so intently that he’s aware’ that’s how it’s felt for me for me, since the days of crisis LP. I’ve been, am watching at a distance, of course I’m here when she asks for support making the next steps of her choice.

Thanks for the positive vibes Daisy   I want to send you hope, we can come through the eye of the storm, positive change can happen. I know you are exhausted by it all, keep pushing through, we're all walking with you.

WDx

[wendydarling]

So the GP appointment didn't happen, someone got their times mixed up and according to DD it wasn't her  , it's rearranged for two weeks. I've got a big feeling they are going to say it's time to go back to work and this will send her in a spin ... .

Monday DD went to her second to last therapy session (with NHS) and cried the whole way through... .that's three sessions she's had since September, not much. DD says the worst thing about being a self aware mentally ill person is that people assume that because you understand your illness you’re automatically able to actually apply your knowledge to your life and cure yourself. We talked about ongoing support post her last therapy session. She's checking out local support groups, there appears to be a new one at the Women's Crisis Home she stayed in twice. Her eyes lit up, I felt her relief when I offered to pay for therapy, someone with well grounded experience of BPD (until she's in work), she clearly needs and wants the support.

There we go, for now 

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

The GP may well say she’s ready for work, also there’s the possibility they may not. I really hope the appt goes off smoothly and maybe the delay will help her process her feelings so she doesn’t go in a spin.

Can I ask if she has volunteered anywhere?  Has she ventured into looking at various work or other training opportunities?  Or maybe some career advice?  Or has she done what my son27 would do and avoid at all costs. 

The offer of a therapist wil really help her calm down and not feel so rudderless. I really am pulling for her to see she’ll overcome her fears and get that life she wants. And of course for you too WD. It’s a long game of so very many baby steps. 

Hugs
LP

[wendydarling]

Thanks LP, that's really kind pulling for her.   Well she did one days work with her former employer and turned the second offer down.  It's the wrong environment, (record industry) lots of social events and business meetings in pubs type stuff, after gig parties alcohol…… she's staying away, good decision. She may get asked to do art work for them, which she'd do at home, honestly she does not want to go back into that scene. She's interested in Art Therapy at a cost of circa £6k, I'm not prepared to pay for that …… yet. Volunteering or a simple routine job is a good first step. She's not mentioned her friend who said they'd offer her work at the collective set up to help people suffering from mental health issues get back into work, I've not asked, I'm being purposefully hands off here, like you describe watching from afar. If she's signed off disability I'd expect that'll help her focus, she has to pay her bills. I want to see how far she gets without my input.  She can be very motivated one day and struggling the next... .and this disturbs her. So yes bring in the therapist. The real test is how she handles stressful or triggering situations over time... .and that's sort of a failure, re-evaluate, do more work, and improve process.

I wonder how long it will take her to find a therapist? A friend has recommended one …... .

Hugs

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

I think you’re very wise, she’ll find a way to resolve her problem in her own way.  As a side, just planting a seed (can’t help ourselves can we?), your daughter could go an MA in art therapy part-time on a student loan. I’ve a friend who has just got hers but I’ll warn you it’s heavy going, academic and personally deep (she had to attend art therapy herself as part of the course requirements). She maybe could apply for a maintenance loan.  Just a thought x

LP

[wendydarling]

Yikes LP I thought I'd replied days ago, I drafted and obviously failed to press the all important button POST.

So DD's GP appointment went well, she's still signed off on disability, she did not get in a spin in the days before  . Latest is to volunteer in a cat sanctuary (her heaven), part time work. She found out she can work 16 hours a week/£100cap while receiving the allowance. She mentioned she nearly applied for a fulltime position in our local pub   and decided for the better not too, phew, good decision!

Thanks for the reminder about maintenance loans, she's £2k left to pay off from her degree. I think a commitment to Art Therapy or other is something for the future. Getting into some kind of routine vol/work wise will be wonderful and a champagne popping moment.  

WDx