My BF 28 YO D w/ BPD/NPD cross w/ disabled 3 yo on ssi & bf pays all bills Help

[Scared2go]

My BF’s 28 year old daughter is a BPD/NPD cross but she didn’t like that diagnosis for some reason so her mom and she doctor shopped until they found one that diagnosed bipolar and schizophrenia and had her medicated to the hilt (since circa 16 years old). She’s floated back and forth between mom and dad and had a son 4 years ago who was born disabled and is fed through a peg tube. She applied for ssi and got it and recently got it for her son.

She attended university and is quite bright but dropped out so has no degree and she’s never had a job ever.

She is currently refusing treatment except every 2 months to get prescriptions

My BF pays for (monthly)
Rent
Babysitters for 4 hours a day Monday through Friday because she is so
     Zonked on medication she needs to nap or appointments or do as               She wants
She often puts the baby (who is on a PEG for feeding) into the playpen so she can nap
Food
Petrol for car
Cable tv
Internet
Mobile
Car insurance

So $2000 / month on top of SSI
Plus he bought her the nice car

She confessed in March she owed $12,000 on a credit card
(Since found out there’s more debt)

Which means she has about $2,500 in disposable income monthly

Btw this 2,000 a month from my bf doesn’t include the occasional $800 emergency bail outs every few months, and at the moment she’s with my bf exwife and rang him last night because her mom would only give her healthy food and she needed $100 for the week for fast food. BF sent it.
I’m outraged but more importantly

The baby. She sleeps 10 hours a night, 4 hours of babysitters, she puts him in his playpen if she needs a nap. So circa 2 hours a day. So she “parents” 8 hours a day to a disabled 4 year old who had a peg and a serious internal organ issue. I’m terrified that child protective services will come take him when we could parent him.

I don’t know how to get my BF to stop enabling.

She has no intention of working and is covered with tattoos and piercings and multi coloured hair. Dealing with her alone is insanity but our worry about grandson is overwhelming. Our love relationship might die if we can’t sort this out.
Can anyone help?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Scared2go]

Also getting her back in treatment is so important. Any advice on that?

[Feeling Better]

Hello Scared2go,

Welcome and let me say how sorry I am to hear of your situation, it must be utterly frustrating for you.

You obviously love your little grandson very much, you say that your worry about your grandson is overwhelming and I’m sure that it is, my heart goes out to you.

You say that you don’t know how to get your bf to stop enabling, the truth is, if he doesn’t know that he is enabling his daughter, then he won’t see it as a problem. I guess he thinks he’s just helping her out. Are you able to talk to him about this, help him to see that he is enabling her?

As to the question about getting his daughter back into therapy, I am giving you a link which you might find useful:

How to get Borderline into Therapy

Can I ask, how are you, are you taking time out for yourself? You seem to have so much on your plate right now, I hope that you are able to look after yourself too 

[Scared2go]

Thank you for writing me. I think he knows he is enabling but she will spend all her money and put the baby in the playpen (prison) and sleep while they are alone so I think he feels if there are baby sitters there that the baby is being held and played with.

We would like to get custody of the baby. She was in a 3 day hold and the only reason child protective services didn’t take him was because we did. Is getting custody even a possibility?

Hello Scared2go,

Welcome and let me say how sorry I am to hear of your situation, it must be utterly frustrating for you.

You obviously love your little grandson very much, you say that your worry about your grandson is overwhelming and I’m sure that it is, my heart goes out to you.

You say that you don’t know how to get your bf to stop enabling, the truth is, if he doesn’t know that he is enabling his daughter, then he won’t see it as a problem. I guess he thinks he’s just helping her out. Are you able to talk to him about this, help him to see that he is enabling her?

As to the question about getting his daughter back into therapy, I am giving you a link which you might find useful:

How to get Borderline into Therapy

Can I ask, how are you, are you taking time out for yourself? You seem to have so much on your plate right now, I hope that you are able to look after yourself too 

[Feeling Better]

We would like to get custody of the baby. She was in a 3 day hold and the only reason child protective services didn’t take him was because we did. Is getting custody even a possibility?

I think that it is wonderful that you would like to get custody of the baby. I don’t really know much about it myself but I would have thought that it would be a distinct possibility that you could get custody. Especially if it could be shown that your bf’s daughter is incapable of looking after him.
 There are parents on this board who are looking after grandchildren and I know of at least one who has recently managed to get custody because she mentioned it in one of her posts. I’m sorry but the name of that member escapes me at the moment, maybe someone else will remember and let you know. 

[wendydarling]

Absolutely Feeling Better, I think bluek9, qcarolr and other parents have spoken recently about their custody wards, or working towards. Also Scared2go I recommend you pop into the Family Law co-parenting board, they have so much knowledge and experience, they can point you in the right direction if they can.

You are in a tough place and talking this through with parents here will help you, so keep posting daily and asking questions.

My Q to you is if you go for custody will you be in the same place and more, your BF enabling? How will your SD cope? You clearly see what is, at this time it is what it is. Most importantly are your personal needs being met?  

WDx