my BPD teenager and chores and responsibility vs privileges and money

[mothrof3+2+2]

My 15 old daughter refuses to do any chores or help around the house. Her room is a mess.  She  is in home school because school was too overwhelming for her but she only does about 1 hour of school work each week.  At the same time, she is furious that i expect her to do work and help out to earn money for things she wants like going out with friend, nails and eyebrows done etc.  I do provide all the needed items like clothes, food, makeup and hair products and a phone.  It is a huge stumbling block in our relationship. She says it is because she is adopted and I don't love her enough.  She says very unkind things to me on a daily basis.  She quit school because she felt she was bullied but now she is bullying me on a daily basis.I know that is to make me feel guilty.  She was literally mad enough to hurt me yesterday because she wanted me to give her money for a carnival she wants to go to with her friend.  I told her she could earn it.  She says it is not fair because I pay for things for the younger kids and they don't have to earn it.  Actually they do and that is part of my problem.  The younger kids go to school everyday and do their homework and chores everyday and are generally helpful when I need it.  It does not seem fair to them that she sits around on her phone all day and does nothing and gets into trouble wit the police and swears at me and still gets the same privileges they do when they are working hard.  She screams that it is not fair but to me it seems very fair.  She wants to do nothing and get everything.  That doesn't seem like a healthy life skill to teach her.  She says she is too emotionally distraught to do anything and it is over whelming.  I even offered to let her earn money for using her coping skills correctly and doing self care and goals she is working on in therapy.  He response to that was to quit therapy. Nice. She shoplifts often and blames me because I wont give her money.  There would be no way to give her enough money.  It is a black hole.  Her two older brothers have the same entitlement issues.  She also wants a dog but I told her she has to earn it by taking care of the responsibilities she already has. (We already have a dog, she just wants one of her own.) She says fine then I will just get pregnant and have a baby.

Is it reasonable to expect her to earn the money and privileges?  Is this a battle I should fight?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi mothr,

again I so feel your pain. My daughter also quit school and was home schooled but never did anything. We tried everything imaginable to get her to do chores and earn allowance to no avail.

Yes it is perfectly reasonable to expect and I will say that if you don't start it likely will continue to get worse as she gets older.

In retrospect I wish I had fought the battle a bit more but she is our only child (also adopted) so that was less of an issue for us.

If you decide to fight the battle, I would sit her down when she's calm and use ":)EAR MAN" -- see resources to the right -- to tell her that everyone does chores and you expect her to. She will not get allowance unless she does them. The key too though is to make it reasonable so you might need to pick one small thing that she does once a week. It needs to be something she can actually accomplish given her mental state. And then you have to stick to your guns and never budge. Choose a specific amount she can get if she does this chore and never budge. The second you give in you'll sadly have to start from scratch again.

[Feeling Better]

Hi mothrof3+2+2

I agree with hyacinth bucket that it is perfectly reasonable to expect your daughter to help with the chores in order to earn money, she shouldn’t be getting a free ride, it’s not fair to your other kids and you have already very wisely recognised that.

hyacinth bucket has given you some excellent advice and I would like to follow on if I may by giving you the link to DEARMAN which she mentioned:

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. Technique

You might also like to take a look at Communicate Boundaries & Limits in the TOOLS section on the right